Picturing Perfect (24 page)

"It's a big deal."

"Don't you think I know that? It's a big fucking deal. But, I love her. I love her and I've never even kissed her. How fucking ridiculous is that?" I ran my hands through my hair so forcefully that a few strands were left between my fingers. A groan forced itself out of me as I sat back down in the chair.

"It's not. Not at all."

"Don't tell her I said that…I don't wanna freak her out or anything."

"I know," Auden said, rubbing my back gently. My head fell back in my hands, my elbows were once again digging into my thighs.

"He doesn't deserve her."

"I know that, too," Auden said, her response dripping with sarcasm.

"There's something I just don't get," I said, turning to look at my sister's widened eyes.

"What?" Auden asked, tilting her head to the side and looking at me through the sides of her eyes.

"When her dad was sick…and I sent her those gifts. You should've told her they were from me. You
know
my handwriting."

"I never saw the gifts, I swear. She didn't want me coming to the house when Mr. Foster got sick. She was so protective of him…and he was so weak. She didn't want people looking at him weird…or feeling sorry for him."

"How could she think he would do all of that for her?"

"That was the lowest point in her life, Jase. And you weren't around…at all. Of course she thought it was all from her boyfriend. She needed someone to depend on. And for God's sake, he took credit for every single one of those presents. He makes me sick."

"He doesn't deserve her," I said, shaking my head.

"You said that already." She smiled weakly.

"But, I do."

"Yes, you do."

"Do you think she loves me? Seriously, be real with me. I'm getting so wrapped up in her and in the baby that I can't even see straight. I need clear eyes to see for me."

Auden's smile grew and her eyes softened. "Big brother, that girl has been in love with you for most of our lives. That's not gonna change."

"So, tell me what to do. What do I do?" I said, removing my glasses and pinching the bridge of my nose.

"Sit here with me. Wait him out. I guarantee he'll be leaving soon."

"Okay. I can do that." I took a deep breath and sat back in the uncomfortable wooden chair. Staring at the door to Haddie's room, I just kept hoping Tucker would walk out, walk away, and be done.

Ten minutes.

Twenty.

Thirty.

He was still in there. I was doing my best not to feel insecure about any of it, but for god's sake, my mind was a whirlwind of all sorts of emotions. Was I supposed to be the better man and move aside? Did I need to give Haddie a chance to make things work with Tucker? Would I be a total shit if I stood in the way of them becoming a family? My knuckles turned white as I grasped the arm of the chair. The thought of losing Haddie, and now Marty, made me feel physically sick. I wanted to punch something…hard. I felt trapped, out of control and desperate. Like an animal in a cage…only instead of being like Tucker and clawing to get out, I just wanted to get
in.

They should be mine. And I should be theirs. I've never wanted anything more.

Walking to the gift shop, I picked up a balloon that said, "It's a Boy" and a blue teddy bear wearing glasses. Auden laughed at the resemblance between the stuffed animal and me when I brought it back upstairs. I didn't even realize that I was drawn to a bear that looked like me.

"Marking your territory?" she asked with a smirk and one raised eyebrow. She's such a pain in the ass.

"No." Rolling my eyes, I sat back down, again watching the door. Tucker walked out just then. Without even realizing it, I was off the chair and walking towards him. My pace was determined. My mind was set. I had to fight for what I wanted.

Tucker's muscles stiffened the moment we made eye contact. His hands slid into his pockets. I held the bear close and the balloon drifted up to the ceiling. Tucker watched as the balloon touched the white painted tiles.

"Hey," he said, making brief eye contact before looking past me. He was searching for Auden, assuming she'd come to his rescue. The dumbass didn't realize that my sister wasn't going to defend him anymore. She was done defending someone who had the nerve to treat Haddie and his own blood the way he had.

"Going so soon?" I asked with a smartass tone.

"Yeah, she doesn't want me here."

"And what about you? Did you hold your son?"

"No. I'm not so sure he's mine." He glowered at me.

"What? You think Haddie would lie to you?"

"How can you blame me? You're in the goddamn delivery room and now you're keeping guard for her. For all I know, you two have been fucking for months."

I grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and pressed him against the wall. Clipboards dropped at the nurses' station. The stuffed bear tumbled to our feet.

"Now you listen to me, shithead. I
wish
that were my kid in there. And if he were mine, I wouldn't let you near him…either of them. So, you better make a choice. Either be there for your kid or back the fuck off."

"If he's my kid, then that's not up to you, asshole," he said, just as a nurse stepped between us, pushing me back.

"Figure it out," I said, glaring into his eyes, "Quick. Or next time I won't be so nice."

Tucker let out a grunt and kicked the bear across the floor as he stomped down the hallway. The little stuffed animal bounced off the wall. The balloon swayed in the empty air.

"I didn't know you had it in ya," Auden said from behind me. I shook my head with exasperation.

"Do you ever shut up?" I glared at her. My kid sister still knew how to push my buttons.

"No…seriously," she said, her eyes glistening as she shook her head back and forth at a slow pace. "I've never been so impressed. You really love her."

"Yes…I do."

"So, what are you doing out here with me? Get in there." She picked up the bear, dusted him off and placed him in my hands. I looked down at the little brown bear with tiny black hipster glasses. Giving him one more dusting, I walked back into the hospital room, the room that held everything that mattered to me.

Marty's wail pierced the air and sent the lights of the baby monitor into crazy manic flashes. I woke up with a start, rubbing the sleep from my eyes as I walked down the hall to his nursery. It was nearly daylight, just a hint of sunrise peeked through his navy blue curtains. He'd managed to wriggle himself out of his baby blanket in the few short hours he'd been in his crib. With a yawn, I carried my boy to the glider in the corner, placing my feet on the stool and opening up my nursing tank top.

"There you go, sweet boy," I said, stroking his head as he nursed greedily. It was amazing how much the baby ate…it was constant. Obviously, I wasn't completely naive. I knew that babies ate frequently. But, for the last few days, it'd been every two hours and nursing him took about thirty minutes each time. I felt like a dairy cow. I was sore, exhausted and deep bags sat beneath my eyes on a pretty consistent basis. The past three weeks had been the best, yet the most stressful, of my life.

I was constantly questioning myself. I called my mother more times in one day than I had for weeks at a time while away at college. She was gracious and patient. She gave advice, while also reminding me to follow the guidelines given by Marty's pediatrician.

"So many things have changed," she said again and again. It was hard to believe that anything of merit could've changed in the 23 years I'd been alive. But, it was amazing how many guidelines had changed since my mom was raising me. Different car seats, sleeping positions, bottle usage, etc. I called her regardless. She was my safety net and my guru when it came to child rearing. But, my rock…my rock was Jason.

He arrived every morning with coffee and breakfast. He spent most days writing at the dining room table while I nursed and changed Marty. He made me lunch, he watched the baby while I showered. He was amazing. It almost feet like we were a family. Almost.

At the end of the day, though, he went home to his place. We still hadn't kissed. In fact, he hadn't really touched me at all.

Tucker had called only once since I left the hospital. But, he had left several hundred dollars underneath the door.
So classy
. Don't get me wrong—I wasn't going to be ungrateful for the help. But, he knew money was not what I needed from him. My father's life insurance policy would support Marty and me until he started grammar school. I had plenty of time to decide when I would return to work. I could make the best decision for my child. Anything Tucker provided, at this point, was a bonus. I just wished he would make a choice. He either wanted his son or he didn't. I had nightmares, wondering how I would ever explain to Marty that his father didn't want me and therefore didn't want us. I hoped I'd never have to have that conversation with him. But it was impossible to know for sure.

When I dreamed about the future, though, I had to be honest with myself. Tucker wasn't there. It was Jason…always Jason. I envisioned the three of us playing at the local park. Marty as a toddler gliding down the large green slide, landing in Jason's arms. Jason twirling Marty in the air before placing him back at the top of the stairs. Repeating the slide again and again and again.

I saw us becoming a family. A
real
family. But I couldn't and wouldn't ever deny Tucker access to his son. As long as he wanted to be in his life, I'd allow it. But I refused to beg him…Marty would gain nothing from a forced parent in his life. He would see it—he would feel it and I could
never
do that to him.

As my thoughts continued to bounce around, I burped Marty and switched him to the other side to nurse. He drifted off to sleep as he drank. Gently, I rubbed his head to keep him from easing into a deep slumber. He startled briefly and went right back to nursing… but not quite as vigorously as he did before. Remembering my mother's tips, I broke his latch with my finger and carried him to the changing table. Diaper changes always woke my boy up.

His cry ripped through the apartment as I stripped him of his soiled diaper and quickly replaced it with a fresh one. After sanitizing my hands, we returned to the glider. My boy was now very much awake and ready to finish his breakfast.

I stared down at his precious little face. His slate blue eyes opened every so often as he nursed, a tiny dimple in his cheek as he drank. I loved his smell. I loved the little wrinkles in his wrists. I loved everything about this little boy I was lucky enough to bring into the world. Even when I was exhausted and even when I felt like a failure, at the end of each day, the love I felt for him kept me going.

An hour later, Marty was happily drifting to sleep in his swing. Jason arrived with the morning coffee as well as some bagels, lox and schmear from our local deli. My favorite.

"No capers for me, thanks," I said as Jason loaded my bagel up with goodies. He smiled and nodded as he built my breakfast.

"There you go, m'lady," he said with a fake British accent as he placed my bagel in front of me. Considering both of his parents were originally from England, it really was a pathetic excuse for an accent. I resisted the urge to tease him, though.

"Ahhh, it looks so delicious," I said, taking a big bite. With the saltiness of the lox combined with the creaminess of the schmear, I predicted I'd be in a food coma by the time the meal was through.

"Best deli in town." He smiled, biting into his open-faced sandwich.

"Nice t-shirt, by the way. It looks new," I said, gesturing as I wiped my mouth with a napkin.

"I thought Marty would like it." He laughed as he looked down at his emerald green shirt. It read:
Nobody puts baby in a corner.

"It's perfect," I said, leaning in to nudge him on the arm. He gave me a lopsided grin before taking a sip of his coffee. "How's Madeline?"

"Good. Almost finished with chapter 27. Now I just need an epilogue."

"Great. I can't wait to read it," I said with genuine enthusiasm.

"I'll let you read it later. Gotta get all the wrinkles out first."

"I love your books," I said, attempting to boost his confidence.

"I know, but…it's a matter of pride. I want the book to be awesome and I don't want you to read it before it's ready."

I shook my head. "Okay."

"There is something I've been meaning to ask you," he said with a cocky grin as he pushed his glasses up further on his nose. Usually a nerdy move, but Jason somehow made it sexy.

"What's that?" I asked, my pulse racing.

"Well, this might sound silly since I'm here…well, pretty much all the time. But, Haddie, I'd like to know if you'd go on a date with me this Saturday night."

"Oh, wow…" I said with a smile, heat growing in my cheeks.

"Too soon?" He looked confused and a little nervous.

"No, no…I mean…maybe. For Marty, I mean. I'm not sure if I can be away from him yet."

"We could bring him with us," Jason suggested.

"No, no…I want us to have our own time. Maybe next weekend. He'll be a month old by then."