Past Heaven (21 page)

Clarity, table for one?

I think I had my answer.

“THAT DRESS IS slamming hot on you. Buy it!” Cindy hollered out as she fanned herself.

I stared at myself in the dressing room mirror. The skintight purple mini dress was so not me. Right now, though, I wanted to be anyone other than me.

I didn’t want to acknowledge that November eighteenth was fast approaching. Instead, I focused on my reflection. My face had thinned out since that fateful night. Back then, I’d barely had time to apply a coat of lip gloss or a dab of mascara. That night, the dress I wore felt one size too small and now that same dress would hang on my body.

The darkness circling my eyes was a mirror of the hole I felt myself slipping into. The one-year anniversary of the worst day of my life would be a living hell. It would be nothing short of absolute, burning, screeching, painful hell. I would relive each minute of the day, and I would cry. I had to brace myself for the onslaught of attention from friends and family. No one would know what to say. Some would just be there, which was great. Some would try to explain it away with the typical “everything happens for a reason” bullshit. Those people I wanted to punch in the nose. But I would restrain my emotions as much as I could. Especially in front of the boys.

Cindy cleared her throat, jarring me out of my thoughts. “Well? Am I right or am I right?”

“I have nowhere to wear a dress like this.” I turned and looked at the back. My ass did look pretty great.

“You will. Hollywood Hottie will take you out to dinner with his famous producer friends or something. Your ass looks so good in that thing that I’d even do you. Seriously.”

Laughing, I shook my head and shimmied it off. “Okay, no need to switch teams on me. I’m getting it.”

“What happened when Reynolds got back on Monday?” Cindy handed me my jeans, and I slipped them on.

My face flushed at the memory, but I did what I did best. Denial. “Nothing. We worked. Why?” I pulled my sweater over my head and smoothed the flyaway’s from my hair.

“Don’t bullshit me. I know you almost kissed under that table and then had the most awkward goodbye in the history of goodbyes after that. I’m asking if you talked about it.” Cindy scowled, and I rolled my eyes.

“He asked if we could grab dinner and talk, but the boys had a soccer tournament this week. We’ve been engrossed in our writing, and I’ve been super busy…avoiding him.” I lowered my voice at the last two words. They were the truth, but I hated admitting them. I just wanted to work. I didn’t want to talk about anything else other than the screenplay. Somehow working on that project had helped bring light back into my life. Remembering everything wonderful Jack had done and how he had brought hope to so many people pulled me out of the hole I had sunken into after his death.

“Have you talked to Reynolds about the anniversary?” Cindy grabbed her pile of purchases, and we walked to the cashier.

“Nope. I don’t want him to worry that I won’t be focused on writing, and I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable.”

“Liz! Give the guy some credit. He
is
your friend.” Cindy shook her head and handed over her credit card. “You need to talk to him about these things. He has to know about Jack's anniversary and you have to discuss your almost kiss. If you don’t open up, things are going to explode.” Cindy flung her hands around in exasperation.

I swallowed hard. “There’s a tension around us now. Ever since he got back. At first I panicked and thought he had changed his mind about working together, but when we write, he’s singularly focused.” I handed my credit card over and leaned my back against the counter. Cindy bit her nail as she listened.

“I decided this weekend we would take a break from hanging out with him. I told the boys that.” I thanked the cashier, and we walked into the mall. “I’m trying to keep the boys from getting hurt when he leaves. We need distance so they don’t get too close to him.”

Cindy’s brow wrinkled, and she stopped walking, sitting on a bench and motioning for me to join her. “How’d that work out?”

I snickered, shaking my head. “The boys had a fit. Grayson told me that Reynolds is his friend and friends didn’t let other friends sit alone at home all weekend.”

“Grayson’s a good nut,” Cindy agreed.

“Even Griffin asked if we could ride horses with Reynolds. I reminded them that he would be leaving soon, and they all claimed to understand.” I rolled my head around my neck, needing to ease the tension. “And of course, even though he’s been quiet around me, he’s been his usual gregarious self with the boys.”

“I think no one is more surprised than the Hollywood Hottie that he genuinely enjoys spending time with your kids.”

I nodded and chewed on my bottom lip. All four of those boys were buds. Even I, Queen of Denial, couldn’t ignore that fact.

“Margarita time?” Cindy hooked a thumb over at the Mexican restaurant.

“It’s always margarita time.” I smiled gratefully and grabbed my shopping bags. I was ready and willing to forget my problems with my other good pal, tequila.

“Nice! Go Torrey, go!” Griffin cheered from the family room as he watched the fourth quarter of the football game. Stacking the last of the dinner dishes into the dishwasher, I leaned back against the counter and tilted my head to peek into the family room. Griff jumped off the couch, cheering for the Ravens. I sipped my wine and sighed. Hayden was asleep in the crook of Reynolds’ arm, and Grayson lay against his leg like a pillow. I rested the wine glass against my lips and took in the sight. My eyes fluttered up and met his, and we shared a smile.

He looked fantastic, all tousled hair and sleepy eyes. The picture of my guys happily snuggled against him was too much to take in. He was devastatingly sexy and yet lovingly comfortable with my kids. My stomach muscles tightened with apprehension. I blinked a few times and took a long sip of wine to end my trance. The game ended with a win as Griffin and Grayson bumped fists and attempted the Ravens’ Squirrel dance.

“All right, guys. I’m taking Hayden up to bed. You can play Xbox for twenty minutes and then head up to shower.”

Reynolds handed me a very tired Hayden, who woke and rubbed his eyes.

“Night, Reyn. I love you,” Hayden said in a sleepy voice.

Both Griffin and Grayson whipped their heads up at Hayden’s proclamation. I looked back and forth between Reynolds and Hayden, my skin prickling with panic. Hayden couldn’t love him. Shit, how would Reynolds handle this?

Reynolds stood up and took Hayden from my arms. He wrapped his arms around him in a tight hug. “I love you too, Hayden.”

I SAT BACK down on the couch and watched Griffin and Grayson turn on their video game, rubbing my tight jaw. Their incessant heckling made me smile, but I couldn’t relax. I wanted to jump out of my own skin. I wiped my palms on my jeans. I had to go upstairs.

What just happened? Kylie and my parents were the only people who had ever told me they loved me. I believed two of them had meant it. But this guy? This small and funny guy? My heart warmed, and my chest tightened. I couldn’t remember when I had been so touched.

Liz was distraught at Hayden’s words. Was she concerned about Hayden ending up hurt? She didn’t need to worry. I was falling in love with the whole family. These had been the best weeks of my life.

I needed to make sure Liz understood how much Hayden’s words meant to me.

“Reynolds, did you see that?” Griffin called out happily, scoring a shot on his brother.

“Nice moves, man.” I grinned and then sat back on the couch, looking up at the ceiling. My life was changing before my eyes and I had never felt happier. Here. With these kids and this woman.

I wanted more.

I had asked Liz out to dinner, hoping we could talk about us, but she told me she was too busy. Would she acknowledge that this was more than friendship or would she keep shutting me out?

She wasn’t ready. I got it. But I also couldn’t let it go. I got up and started upstairs.

What could I say to her that wouldn’t scare her off? My footsteps were heavy as I climbed the staircase. I stood at the top of the steps, a few feet away from Hayden’s room, and listened to Liz say prayers with him. I closed my eyes as my stomach rolled, and my pulse quickened. I opened them, letting out a deep breath.

Liz closed Hayden’s door and walked over, wrapping her arms around her waist. “I’m sorry. That must have been awkward to hear. He thinks you’re a dear friend, and you’ve become a part of his life.” Liz looked at me apologetically.

I shook my head and leaned back against the wall. “Stop. I loved hearing that from him. Your boys have come to mean a lot to me. They’re going to grow up to be great men.”

“I appreciate that, but I need to settle them down a bit. You’ll be leaving soon, and I don’t want them to get too attached.” Liz looked at her feet as she said the last part.

“What do you mean? I’m not leaving soon.” My eyebrows pinched together. Her words wrapped around my throat in a vice grip. “We have work left to do. And, well, I’m attached to them, too. They’ve become my friends. Just like you have. You’re all special to me.”

Liz grimaced, and she huffed with an eye roll. “Yes, but we don't fit into your everyday life. I don't want them to get hurt.” She straightened her shoulders and tipped her chin up.

I took a step closer, not taking my eyes off of her. “Yes, this is different from the rest of my life. Maybe that’s what’s been wrong all along.” I lowered my voice. I wanted to make sure she understood and believed what I had to say. “This has been the best experience of my life. It’s what’s been missing.” I held onto Liz’s forearms, keeping her in place when she tried to back away. I brought my face closer to hers and set my jaw.

Liz searched my face as her lower lip trembled. “Reynolds you don’t mean that. You can’t. You’re going to go back to L.A. Then what?” Her chin lifted, and her eyes narrowed with renewed fervor. “Those boys have already lost one man they loved. They CAN NOT LOSE ANOTHER!” Liz’s face reddened as she slung her words at me. She fought my grip on her arms, pulling them out of my grasp.