Out of Reach (15 page)

Seth

Fuck! I punched the steering wheel, my fingers throbbing in pain. I’d been sitting in my car for the last fifteen minutes, parked outside her apartment.
I shouldn’t have left.
She would be tearing herself apart, feeling horrible for something that she shouldn’t be feeling guilty about.

In the back of my mind, I had been stressing about people finding out. How could anyone really understand any of this? Was I really that surprised Deb had lost it?
Of course not.
Her son had died, and in her eyes we had moved on—only things were never that simple. We hadn’t moved on; it was a new path we were taking together.

Andy had been a huge part of both our lives, and we would never forget him. The idea of people thinking that we loved him any less made me furious. What right did Deb—what right did
anyone
—have to judge our relationship?

***

This is a bad idea.
I rapped on the door before I could change my mind. In my hands, I held the videos Andy had made during our trip. We hadn’t had a chance to watch through them, but maybe if Deb could see us all together she would understand. Then again, maybe I was fooling myself.

The door opened and Deb stood there, frowning at me.

“This is not a good time, Seth.”

“It’s never going to be a good time.” I crossed my arms over my chest to let her know I wasn’t going anywhere until I’d said my piece. “She’s sitting at home, blaming herself. This is the girl who dedicated her life to looking after and loving your son, and you go off at her like that?” I shook my head. “I get that you’re upset, but you can’t even begin to understand what she’s going through.”

“It’s been weeks, Seth.
Weeks
. And then I walk in on that? How did you expect me to react? I wanted you to look after her, not move in on her,” she said, her lip curling in disgust. “What about Andy?”

“He wanted this,” I growled, my anger growing. “She needs your support, Deb. She has nobody.”

“She obviously has you,” she shot back.

I shook my head. There was nothing I could say just then that was going to make it okay. I handed her the tapes.

“What are these?” she asked.

“The last few weeks of your son’s life. Watch them and tell me she didn’t love him enough.” I walked off, not looking back. I refused to feel guilty about loving her. The only person I had to answer to
was
Andy, and I’d already done that. Deb could hate me all she wanted, but I needed her to forgive Em
;
because otherwise the guilt was going to end up killing her.

Emily

I couldn’t even imagine how awful that must have been for her. Walking in on Seth and I so soon after Andy had gone . . . in what world was that okay?

Her reaction had been a wake-up call. Nobody was going to understand us being together, least of all our families. If we were serious about being a couple, then that was something we needed to give them the opportunity to get used to.

So now I had a decision to make. Was the chance of finding love with Seth worth losing the people who had been my family for the past ten years? Because no matter how right it felt, or how much we knew we had Andy’s blessing, they might never accept us being together.

“Em?”

I looked up from my bed and saw Seth standing there.

“I used the spare key,” he explained. He looked uncomfortable, with his hands shoved deep into his pockets. He hesitantly took a step toward the bed and sat down.

“I’ve had enough of people helping themselves to my spare key,” I mumbled, trying to make a joke. “That’s it. I’m moving it.”

He smiled. “I’ve just come from Deb’s.”

“And?” Not that I needed to ask. His lack of eye contact told me everything I needed to know. “She hates us, doesn’t she? Not that I blame her.”

“I refuse to let you feel guilty about us,” he said, his voice gruff. He took hold of my hand and I sighed.

“That’s just it. I feel bad for her seeing us like that, but guilt? No. I don’t feel bad about us.” I paused, wetting my lips.

“But?” he pushed, sensing my hesitation.

“But I don’t know if that’s enough.” I sat up, pushing my legs over the edge of the bed. “I’ve lost so many people close to me. How many more can I lose? I love you, I really do, but I don’t know what to do here.”

“Do what feels right,” he said. “Does being with me feel right? If everyone was okay with us being together, then what would you want?”

“You,” I whispered.

He moved closer until his mouth was on mine. But things weren’t that easy, were they? I inhaled sharply when his fingers touched my neck. His lips synced against mine, then he moved slightly until our foreheads touched. I opened my eyes and stared straight into his.

“You know how I feel. I’ll never leave you, Em.”

I smiled. But as much as I loved hearing those words, I knew that sometimes life didn’t give you a choice.

Seth

“I’ve got something to say.”

Opening my front door and seeing Em standing there, I’d been shocked.

“Come in,” I said. I walked into the living room and sat down.

She followed, and perched herself in front of me on the edge of the coffee table. Her hands gripped the underside of the wooden frame. Her brow creased and she frowned, her expression serious.

We hadn’t spoken much about Deb—or us—since the incident the week before. Nor had we heard from her. I was disappointed, but still hopeful that one day she would understand.

“You’re worrying me,” I said with a nervous chuckle. I reached out, my fingers brushing over her thigh before falling back into my lap.

“Don’t worry,” she assured me. My nerves settled, but I was still wondering why she was here. “I just wanted to do this right. I’ve been thinking a lot about us. I don’t want to lose you, Seth. I don’t think I could handle just being your friend, nor do I want to. I wish we had Deb’s support more than anything, but I can’t lose you too.”

Relief washed through me. I was sure she had been about to end things with me. Hearing her say she wanted us to work made me happier than I’d been in forever.

“You don’t know what it means to hear you say that,” I muttered. Sitting forward, I took her face in my hands and kissed her.

Emily

Six months later.

“What is it?” I asked Seth. He put his phone away and walked over to me.

“That was Deb. She wants to see us.”

“Now?” My eyes widened. We hadn’t communicated in more than six
months,
after she had made it clear we were no longer welcome in their life. What could she possibly have to say to us now?

“I said we would go.” He looked as shocked as I felt. He pressed his hand against mine. “What could she want?” he asked, echoing my thoughts.

Nearly nine months had passed since I’d lost Andy. Not a day went by where I didn’t think about him, but for the most part it was happy memories that occupied my thoughts. Having his support had made it easier to fall into a relationship with Seth.

Sometimes I thought about how different things would have been if he’d never gotten sick
;
if he were still here with us. How could I be so in love with Seth and still comprehend loving Andy if he were still around?

We pulled up out front of Andy’s parents’ house. It hadn’t changed at all over the months. It felt so weird being back there, and not knowing what to expect made it even more nerve-wracking.

“Are you ready?” Seth asked, reaching for my hand.

I nodded.
As ready as I was going to get, anyway.
We got out and walked up the driveway up to the front door. With every step, a new wave of anxiety washed over me.

I held Seth’s hand tightly as he rang the doorbell.
The few seconds it took for Deb to open the door felt like years.
She smiled, so I smiled back. Was I supposed to hug her? Shake her hand? I stood there awkwardly, wishing I knew how to act.

She ushered us inside. “Thanks for coming.”

“What’s this about?” Seth piped up. He clutched my hand. He was worried about me, and I liked how protective he was being. We followed Deb into the living room and sat down.

She cleared her throat. “Firstly, I want to apologize. One, I shouldn’t have invaded your space like that, and two, I didn’t know the full story.”

“Full story?” I repeated, confused.

She nodded. “It took me a long time to watch through the videos you left me,” she said, looking at Seth. “But I did that today.” She held up a disc. “Do you mind if I play this for you?” she asked.

I glanced at Seth, who shrugged.

We sat down on the sofa as Deb loaded the disc into the player. Why did I suddenly feel so sick? My heart ached as Andy’s smiling face filled the screen.

“Mom. Firstly, I want to say I love you. Thanks to you and Dad for being amazing parents, not only to me, but to Em, too. You have no idea how much your love and support means to her. Which brings me to the whole point of this video.” He glanced down, his lips pressed into a straight line. “See, I’m dying. I’ve fought hard, but this damn disease is going to beat me. But before it does, I’m going to do my damn best to make sure two of the people I love most in this world find each other.”

I glanced at Seth, my mouth hanging open in shock. When had he done this? From how well he looked, it had to have been a few weeks before our trip. Seth shrugged, looking as confused as I was.

“I’m not sure if you’re aware, but my best friend has been pining over this girl for the last fourteen years. I get it. I mean
,
she’s pretty hot. But he never made a move because he cared too much about my happiness. And Em . . .” He laughed and shook his head, staring directly down the lens of the camera. “What can I say about Em? She’s put me first for so long that this is the only way I can think of to repay her.”

He glanced down, wetting his lips before continuing.

“So this is what I’m going to do: everything in my power to help them find each other. I want to die knowing that the girl I love is going to continue to be loved. I wish so bad that it was me who was getting to grow old with her, but it’s not. Life sucks, and Em has suffered enough. I know it’s going to be hard for you to understand, but please, Mom, please promise me you will try. You’ve lost me, please don’t lose them too.” He smiled at the screen. “I love you.”

Deb stood up and ejected the disc. Her eyes were red and wet. So were mine.

“I’ve watched this about twenty times now,” she admitted, wiping her eyes. “And every time I feel like I’ve let him down by shutting you out.”

I stood up and walked over to her, wrapping my arms around her shoulders.

She began to sob. “I’m sorry, Em. I’m so sorry.”

“Shh, it’s okay.” I glanced at Seth over her shoulder. He smiled at me, and right away I knew he was proud of me. “We understand, Deb. We really do. I’m just so glad to hear from you.”

She pulled away from me and smiled, pushing her blonde hair from her eyes. “We have a lot of catching up to do, don’t we?” she whispered.

“We do,” I smiled.

***

Seth took my hand and pulled me into his arms. After spending the afternoon with Deb, we were back at my house—really
our
house, considering how much time he’d been spending there.

I giggled as his arms curled around my back, sneaking up under my skirt, his fingers brushing over my bare skin. I shivered, leaning up to kiss him.

“I love you, Em. I really fucking love you,” he said, his voice husky. His lips found mine again in another deep kiss. “I feel like the luckiest man in the world.”

“I love you too,” I smiled, drinking in his kisses.

When I fell in love with Andy, I thought that life could not get any better. I’d been through so much with losing my parents, but somehow, we had found something so wonderful and so rare—an unconditional love for each other.

When I found out he was dying, my whole world crumbled. I couldn’t imagine ever feeling happiness again. But somehow, through all that pain, Andy had brought Seth and I together.

Every second of every day I had Andy to thank for helping me find Seth, because without his love and support—and his not-so-subtle little push—Seth and I just wouldn’t be.

Dear Andy,

I miss you so much. Every day I wish I could pick up the phone and call you, just to hear your voice. I have so much to tell you, so I thought I’d write it down and hope that you can see it from up there.

So much has happened, I don’t even know where to begin. After two years, Seth Finally asked me to marry him. I said yes. The wedding will be in June
;
just a small event, basically just his family and yours. You know I’ve never enjoyed the spotlight.

You would have been proud of him and how he asked me, it was all very romantic. He went all out, arranging a big scavenger hunt that had me racing all over town looking for clues. I was sure I looked like an idiot—but I didn’t care. At the final point, he was there, waiting down on one knee with your grandmother’s engagement ring. He had wanted me to have a piece of you. He never lets me forget you.

We talk about you all the time as if you are still here. What Andy would think about this, or what you would say about
that.
Sometimes I can almost fool myself into imagining you’re not really gone, and that any moment you’ll walk through the door and take me in your arms. I miss your hugs, and your kisses, and the way you could always make me laugh. I miss you.

So that’s what’s happening with me. Seth made partner at the firm, and we just put a deposit on a new house. We need the extra room with the baby coming. Oh, that’s right, I haven’t mentioned that yet.

I’m 28 weeks along, with a little boy
. We know he’s a gift you’ve sent to us
;
a piece of you for us to love and watch grow. That’s why we are going to name him Andrew. Every day, I will look at him and remember you.

I love you and miss you,

Forever yours,

Em xx