Out of Reach (10 page)

Andy

She hadn’t left my side all evening. She hadn’t spoken either, but in her defense I had been out of it until now. Who knows? Maybe she had been speaking and I just didn’t notice?

Pain shot through my body as I repositioned myself to face her. Her head snapped around, her pretty green eyes widening as they locked on mine.

“You’re awake,” she whispered. Rising from the chair, she sat on the edge of my bed and grasped my hand. Fuck, she was so warm.

“Hey,” I mumbled, yawning. Even after sleeping all day, I was still so, so tired.

“How are you feeling?” she asked. She bit her lip. She did that when she was nervous or stressed. She’d been doing a lot of that lately.

“I’m okay,” I said with a little smile. The pain was bad—bad enough that I tried not to breathe in too deeply, or move suddenly—but in a weird way, I liked it. At least I was feeling something. Pain meant I was still alive. The moment that stopped, I would stop. They thought avoiding the IV pain meds was about me trying to be brave, but it was just the opposite. I was terrified to let go.

“Really?” she asked, raising her eyebrows.

I chuckled. There was no fooling her. “Em . . .” I hesitated. “I’m sorry about before. I just so badly want to know you’re going to be okay.”

Seth was right: I couldn’t force two people to be together, no matter how much I wanted it. Most people would probably think it was weird, me trying to hook up my girlfriend and my best friend, but with the exception of me, I couldn’t think of anyone who would love her and care for her the way she deserved to be cared for—except him.

Every day I hated myself for leaving her, but if I had to, then I had to make sure she was going to be okay. I couldn’t argue that Seth loved her as much as I did. If I
wasn’t
dying, I’d probably kick his ass.

“Don’t worry about me,” she mumbled, frowning at me. “You’ve been so focused with pushing me onto Seth that you’re not giving me what I so badly need—time with you.”

She was right: I was a monster. All I’d done was make things worse for everyone. She climbed into the bed, slipping her head under my arm. I closed my eyes and kissed her forehead, trying to memorize every tiny detail about her. No matter how much my head wanted me to, I couldn’t give this up. Still, I needed her to know it was okay for her to move on after I died.

“Em,” I began. She looked up at me, her big, green eyes brimming with sadness. I almost lost my nerve. “I want to ask you something.”

“Anything,” she said.

“We haven’t been a proper couple for a long time now. I can’t remember the last time I was able to show you how much I love you . . .”

This was coming out all wrong. She looked confused as hurt filled her eyes. She was probably wondering where the hell this was going.

I pushed on, determined to get this out. “I think you have feelings for Seth. I want you to promise me that you’ll let yourself move on after I’m gone.”

She shook her head, her eyes hooded with anger. “Stop this, Andy. Stop it.” She struggled out of my arms and sat on the edge of the bed, her head in her hands. “Why are you doing this?” She was crying.

“You don’t have to tell me, Em. Please,” I said reaching out for her. She pulled away, leaving my empty hand to collapse on the sheet beside her. “I’m terrified for you, Em. More than I am for myself. I need to know you’ll be okay. Please . . . I need this.”

“You want me to tell you that I’ll move on?” she whispered. She turned around, her eyes red and tearstained. “Do you have any idea how fucked up and morbid that is?”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Do you know me at all? Fucked up and morbid is all I know how to do.”

In spite of herself, she smiled.

I tried again. “I’m not telling you to move on, Em.” I paused, trying to get the words right in my head. “I just need for you to know that it’s okay if you do. Seth loves you, and I think you love him. I need you to know that you two being together would make me happy.”

“It’s . . . I can’t even think about that right now.” She wept. Her body shook as I reached out and touched her back.

“I love you, Em. I love you so fucking much,” I whispered.

She crawled back into my arms and began to cry. I told myself I’d be strong, that I’d never let her see me cry, but there was nothing I could do right then to stop the tears as they rolled down my cheeks.

“I love you too,” she whispered, her lips meeting mine. “I’ll always love you, Andy. Forever.”

“I know you love me, Emsky. I know how much you love me, and without you, I would’ve lost this battle a long time ago.”

“Don’t talk like that.”

“Why? It’s true.” I smiled. Her expression turned serious. “Em . . . I don’t think it’s me that you’re in love with anymore.” It was the truth. Our relationship hadn’t been right for so long now. It had become all about her caring for me.

“What?” She gasped. Hurt filled her eyes. “How can you even think that?”

“Em, I’m sorry. I . . .” I shrugged and wiped my eyes. “I’m sucking at this, aren’t I?” All I wanted to do was express to her that it was okay, but everything I said was coming out wrong. “I just want you to be happy.”

“My happiness starts and ends with you,” she whispered. A single tear rolled down her left cheek. I reached out and wiped it away.

“I don’t believe that for a second. You’re convincing yourself that you don’t deserve to be happy once I’m gone, and that’s bullshit.”

She curled in closer to me, closing her eyes. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore, Andy. Can we talk about it later?”

I nodded and kissed the top of her head. But I couldn’t shake the thought . . . what if there wasn’t going to be a later?

***

When I woke up, Em was still curled up in my arms, fast asleep. I smiled at her, lifting my fingers to her face. She didn’t stir as I gently traced the outline of her lips. I was going to miss her so much. Dying held no fear at all in comparison to losing her. I’d never kiss those lips again. I’d never feel those arms curl around me, or see the love in her eyes when she looked into mine.

As I reached over to grab my watch and check the time, pain stretched across my chest. It was too much for seven in the morning. I collapsed back against the pillows, struggling for every breath. Was this it? Was I dying? I glanced over at Em. I wasn’t ready to leave her.

Just a few more days.
Please.

Emily

I’m running. Every step I take, I can feel the ice cracking under my feet. Every step, I’m expecting to crash through into the freezing water. I spot Andy standing on the edge of the lake.

He’s not facing me.

“Andy,” I yell. He doesn’t answer. My heart begins to pound. Why won’t he look at me? I call out to him over and over, and every time it goes ignored. Eventually I reach him.

“Why didn’t you help me?” I ask. I grip hold of his arm and turn him around, but I can’t. Every pull brings the same angle. Why can’t I see his face?

I sat up, breathing heavily. Andy lay beside me looking tired and worn. His eyes were closed like he was asleep, but I couldn’t help watching his chest for that comforting rise and fall. After what felt like hours, his chest rose up quickly and then deflated.

Something wasn’t right. I reached for his hand and squeezed it gently. He didn’t move. My heart began to pound as I pushed back the covers and got to my feet. I grabbed my robe and slipped it on, rushing out of the room.

“Seth,” I called frantically, knocking on his door. No answer. Grabbing hold of the handle, I turned it and pushed it open. His room was empty, his bed still made and undisturbed. Where was he? Hadn’t he come home last night?

“Marta!” I called out, making my way further down the hall. Her bedroom door creaked open and she peered out. One look at my face and she knew something was wrong.

“What is it?” she asked, following me back down to his room.

“I can’t rouse him,” I said, panicked. My heart thumped in my chest.
Please don’t let him die. Not yet.
I stood back as Marta tried to wake him. My hand covered my mouth as I willed myself not to cry.

“He’s breathing,” Marta sighed with relief. “I’ll call the doctor. Can you sit with him?”

I nodded. I walked around and sat on the side of the bed, taking his hand in mine and covering it with my other hand. He was still so damn cold.

I could hear Marta talking in the hallway. I strained to listen, taking in words like
end
and
morphine
. My stomach turned as anxiety began to cripple me. I couldn’t stop this. No matter how badly I wanted to freeze time, it kept on moving.

***

Rise and fall. Rise and fall.

My eyes didn’t leave his chest as I watched him breathe short, shallow breaths. The doctor had been by and put a drip in to keep him hydrated, and prescribed injections for the pain. He needed such a high dosage that it all but wiped him out. I just sat there watching him sleep, knowing that it wasn’t going to be long now.

The
last words
he had spoken to me had been
him trying to convince me to move on—with his best friend, no less
. I pulled out my notebook and began to read
;
anything to distract me from the reality that was happening before me.

New Year’s Eve, 2009

“You’re telling me that after six hours of fishing, that’s all you have?” I stared at the tiny bass, which was bordering on undersized, and laughed.

“In my defense, I did catch a bigger one—only a bird stole it,” Seth shot back.

“A bird stole it?” I repeated with a snigger. “That’s the best you can come up with?”

“Hey.” Andy laughed. I screamed as he stepped forward and hugged me, holding me hostage in his big fishy arms. “You wanna keep making fun of our hunting abilities?” he teased, tickling me as I giggled.

“Let me go,” I gasped, tears streaming down my face. “Now I stink as much as you two do.”

“Come on, Emsky,” Andy growled, kissing my neck. I laughed, struggling to break free from his embrace. “You know you love the way I smell.”

I finally broke free and ran into the kitchen, both guys hot on my heels. “So, what’s for dinner then? Because that—” I pointed to the lonely little fish, “—just isn’t going to do it.”

Seth laughed and slapped the fish down on the counter. “Pizza?” He smirked.

I rolled my eyes. “Well, we’d better order, because it will take them ages to deliver. If they even will out here.”

It had been Seth’s idea to spend New Year’s Eve out by the lake. He knew how much I hated holidays. Holidays reminded me of what I’d lost, and how much I still had to lose . . .

My grip on my pen loosened, sending it falling to the floor. Seth featured in my happy memories just as much as Andy did. Why hadn’t I noticed that before? I flipped through the pages, memory after memory staring back at me. Seth’s role in nearly all of them was pivotal to my happiness. The notebook fell into my lap as I ran my fingers through my hair.

All Seth had ever wanted was my happiness.

He’d watched Andy and me through nine years of love and romance because he could see how happy I was—even if it meant compromising his own emotions. How lucky was I to have two people who would do anything in the world for me?

My stomach churned as I remembered my behavior on the beach earlier in the day. I’d made him feel like shit for not telling me that he was in love with me. What the fuck was that? I knew better than anyone that you couldn’t turn off your feelings.

It would’ve been easier for him to tell me a year ago, or ten years ago. To hide the way he felt in order to preserve our friendship spoke volumes about the kind of man he was.

I had messed things up, and I didn’t know how to right them. I didn’t know if Seth and I could go back to how we were. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to—because deep down, on some level I wasn’t quite ready to admit, I think there was some truth to what Andy had been saying. I think there was a part of me that was in love with Seth. And if there wasn’t—I was pretty sure there could be.

Seth

It was after ten in the morning by the time I’d worked up the guts to return to the beach house. I wasn’t looking forward to seeing Em or Andy, but it wasn’t like I had the time to put it off. One day could mean the difference between being able to make peace
or
never saying goodbye.

Goodbye.

I dreaded the moment where I’d have to say that. It was so final, but I suppose so was death. I walked in through the back. Marta looked up from the magazine she had in front of her at the table.

“Seth, thank God.”

“What’s going on?” I asked. Something was wrong. I could feel it. “Is he okay?”

“The doctor’s been here. It’s not good. He’s resting now. He’s on a high dose of morphine for the pain, which means he sleeps a lot.”

My heart raced as I ran down to his bedroom. Stopping in the doorway, I stared at him lying in the bed, asleep. Em looked up from the armchair. She’d been crying. Her eyes met mine, a fresh wave of tears spilling down her cheeks.

I walked over to her and knelt down. She fell into my arms, sobbing against my chest. I stroked her hair gently with my fingers, my eyes not leaving Andy. He was so pale, his breathing worse than I’d seen it. A breathing tube was in place in his nose, forcing oxygen into his lungs.

“Shh, Em, it’s okay,” I mumbled.

“I’m not ready to let him go,” she whispered, her nails digging into my back. I just held her, knowing there was nothing I could say right then that could make it any easier.

“I’ll be back in a second.”

Out in the kitchen, I leaned against the counter and sighed. I needed a moment to get myself together so I could be strong for her. I’d spent so much time focused on Em and Andy that I hadn’t allowed myself to process what was happening.

Andy was dying. This was it, his last days, and maybe hours. Should I let Deb know that he’d gotten worse? No—the last thing I wanted was for them to be driving upset. I just hoped they would hurry up.

I carried a cup of tea and a chair back into the room.

“Thanks.” Em smiled, accepting the cup I held out for her.

I sat the chair next to her and slumped down, snaking my arm around her shoulders.

“Listen.” She hesitated, studying the contents of her cup. “I’m sorry for yelling at you yesterday.”

I shook my head. “No, look, it’s fine. I get it. It must’ve been a shock.” I laughed and shook my head. “I still have no idea why he told you.”

“Because she needed to know.”

Both Em and I looked over at Andy in surprise. He hadn’t moved. His eyes were still closed. I was beginning to think that maybe I’d imagined it, until he spoke again.

“What time is it?”

I laughed and wiped my eyes. Reaching over, I took his hand. “You scared me, man. I thought you’d left me without saying goodbye.”

“Yeah? Kind of like the way you stormed out of here yesterday, huh?”

I laughed. “You’re a dick. But I love you, Andy.”

He managed a smile. “You two need to promise me that you’ll look after each other, okay? That’s the only thing I want from you: your promises to be there for each other.”

“Of course. Don’t even worry about that, Andy,” I muttered. Em nodded in agreement. “Your mom is on her way,” I added.

To my surprise, he laughed. “I knew you’d do that, man. You wouldn’t let me go without her saying goodbye. That’s why I love you,” he said. His voice trailed off as he fell back into a deep sleep. Em sobbed next to me.

“Shh, come here.” We stood up. I pulled her toward me, wrapping my arms around her. She couldn’t stand the thought of losing him, and the time was getting closer and closer. “I’ll be here every step of the way, Em.” I reached down and kissed the edge of her jaw, tasting her salty tears.

I looked up and saw Marta standing at the door. She shifted awkwardly, as if she were embarrassed about interrupting a moment. I smiled, letting her know it was okay.

“There are people here. For the wake.”

Shit. I’d forgotten about that. Em turned to me, her eyes wide.

“It’s okay. I’ll explain to them what’s happening.” I squeezed her hand as she sat back down. I followed Marta down to the living room.

“Marty.” I grinned. Fuck, it had been years since I’d seen him.

He laughed and walked over to greet me. He patted my back as we hugged. “How are
ya
,
Sethie
?” He shook his head. “Geez, man, you don’t look any different.”

I laughed. “Yeah, I wish I could say the same thing about you,” I joked. I turned my attention to the blonde standing behind him, cradling a baby. “Are you going to introduce me?”

“Yeah, this is Mandy.” He grinned, holding his arm out and motioning for her to come over. She smiled and stepped over to us. “My wife. And this is Bailey, our little boy.”

I peered over at the little bundle wrapped in a soft blue-and-white blanket. He made a face and smiled at me, making me laugh.

“He’s gorgeous. How old is he?”

“Nearly four weeks. Yeah, we’re pretty happy with him,” he said, winking at Mandy. She rolled her eyes and nodded. “How’s Andy?” he asked, his voice turning serious.

“Not good,” I said, wincing. “Unresponsive most of the time now, and in a lot of pain.”

“Fuck,” he muttered, shaking his head. “This sucks. Poor guy. How’s Emily?”

“Barely coping,” I replied grimly. “About how you’d expect her to be. His family is on their way.” I hesitated. “Look dude, I know you’ve come a long way . . .”

Marty shook his head. “No, we completely understand. Is there anything we can do? Do you want me to contact the rest of the guys and tell them not to come?”

“I don’t even know who’s invited.”

“He emailed a bunch of us. I’m pretty sure I have most of their numbers. Leave it all to me. You just be there for him. And Emily.”