Out of Reach (11 page)

Emily

I didn’t leave his side all night. Caught up in my own guilt and sadness, I held his hand in mine, my fingers softly stroking his dry, worn skin. The doctor had just been by to write up some morphine, and Seth was calling his parents.

Andy didn’t have much time left.

I watched him as he slipped in and out of consciousness. Every few minutes, he opened up his eyes and stared at me in shock. It was like he didn’t even recognize me. Wiping away a stray tear, I took a deep breath. I refused to let myself think of anyone other than Andy. Why hadn’t I told him that yes, I was still in love with him? Would it have killed me to lie? He was fucking dying, for Christ’s sake.

I wasn’t ready to let him go. I needed him, no matter how selfish of me that was
. I needed him
. He was going to die never knowing how much I’d loved him. My feelings for Seth weren’t real. We were both grieving for our best friend’s impending death. Seth was comforting. He understood. It was easy to confuse that connection for something deeper.

“I’m so angry at you right now,” I whispered. “Why did you have to push me away?” His last few weeks on this earth and he’d spent them shoving me into the arms of another man. How was I supposed to accept that? So what if Andy was okay with it? Nobody else was going to be. His parents were the closest
thing
I had to a family. How would they ever understand my being with Seth?

***

Seth came up behind me. I froze as his fingers grazed my shoulders, his touch incredible against my skin. I needed my mind to stop turning, because all it was doing was confusing me even more.

“His parents are here,” he murmured.

I nodded, knowing what I had to do. They deserved to spend some time alone with their son, no matter how hard it would be for me to tear myself away from him.

“Come on, let’s get you some fresh air.”

I didn’t answer as Seth stood me up and walked me out of the room. I passed Andy’s mom and dad, unable to meet their eyes. If only they knew what a horrible person I was. What I’d done. What I’d so badly wanted to do.

“Em, I’m worried about you.”

We stood on the deck. Seth wrapped his arms around me, his warmth radiating through me. I couldn’t move or react; I just stood there, allowing myself to be hugged.

“Talk to me.” He tilted my chin up, his eyes meeting mine. I blinked back tears. Where did I even start? How could I put into words what I was feeling?

“I
hate
you for loving me,” I whispered.

Hurt filled his expression as he processed my words. He looked shocked and confused. I took a breath and continued, knowing that if I didn’t get this out now I never would.

“If you weren’t in love with me, then he wouldn’t have pushed me away. I hate you for taking that from me. For taking
him
from me.”

“Em, you don’t mean that. You’re upset, and I get it. But Andy
wants
you to be happy. You don’t need to decide anything now, or in a month, or even in a year. This is all about you and when you’re ready.” He reached forward, his hand cradling my neck as he forced me to look at him.

“I don’t want to be happy without him. I don’t want to move on.”

Seth

It’s called the death rattle.

In the final hours before someone dies of a long-term illness, as their body begins to shut down and their lungs begin to fill with fluid, every breath is a struggle, accompanied by a strangling, gurgling sound. Apparently he wasn’t in any pain—according to Marta, and confirmed by Google—but it was horrible to witness.

By now, he was unconscious, unresponsive to everyone. He was slowly slipping away. Deb and Karl sat on one side of the bed, Em and I on the other. We hadn’t left his side all day. Even in just the last few hours he’d gotten so much worse.

I reached out at took hold of Em’s hand. She glanced at me, her green eyes swollen and red from the endless flow of tears. I hadn’t cried. I couldn’t, because I was sure once I started I wouldn’t be able to stop.

“I’m going to make a coffee,” I said, getting up. “Can I get you one?” She nodded. “How about you guys?” I asked, looking at Deb and Karl.

“Thanks Seth. A coffee would be nice,” Deb sniffed. I touched her on the shoulder as I walked past. She was a wreck—but then again, we all were.

While I waited for the coffee pot to boil, I decided to call Mom. I hadn’t spoken to her in a while, though I knew Deb had told her I’d called.

“Seth?” she said, answering on the second ring. Worry filled her voice, and I felt bad. I was the worst son, blocking her out of this. She loved Andy as much as the rest of us did.

“Mom, hey.”

“Is he . . . ” Her voice broke.

“Not yet. Soon,” I said, feeling sick. I leaned over the counter and stared at the black marble top. “He’s pretty close to the end now. Deb and Karl are here.”

“Good,” she said, relieved. “I’m glad they got there in time. How’s Em?”

“Not great,” I sighed. “She’s coping, but barely. I’m worried about her, Mom.”

“I know you are, honey. You just need to be there for her. There’s not much else you can do.” She was right, but it didn’t make me feel any better.

“I better go,” I said with a sigh. “I’ll call you later. Love you,” I said, rubbing the bridge of my nose.

“Love you, too.”

***

I carried the coffees, two in each hand, back to the bedroom.

“Thanks,” mumbled Karl, taking both his and Deb’s. Em didn’t respond as I placed hers next to her. “The priest is on his way now.”

I nodded. Andy wasn’t religious, but I knew this was more for them than him.

I sat down, cradling my drink in my hands. My mind was filled with regrets. Why hadn’t I spent more time with him over the past few months? Fuck work—I should’ve quit and hung out with him. I felt like I’d missed out on so much. It wasn’t fair. He was only twenty-six.

Fucking cancer. I laughed, thinking about the tattoo on his back. Would his parents ever see it? Both Deb and Em looked me with puzzled expressions.

“I just remembered . . . his back,” I finished, my voice low. Realization dawned on Em’s face and she snorted. “I’m sorry,” I said to Deb, still chuckling.

Then I had an idea. I jumped up and walked over the wardrobe where his video recorder sat. I picked it up and handed it to Deb.

“He was never without this damn thing the last few weeks.”

She smiled and opened the viewing screen. Fresh tears filled her eyes as she pressed play. I sat back down, placing my arm around Em as she snuggled against me. Andy’s voice filled the room and my heart jumped.

We listened in silence as Deb lived through Andy’s final days. Her hand flew to her mouth as muffled sobs escaped from her. I closed my eyes, listening, replaying the events in my head as I heard them.

“He made you do all this?” Deb gasped. That was after the bull riding.

I laughed and nodded.

“That’s Andy,” she smiled. “What the hell?” she cried.

I swallowed a laugh as Andy’s voice explained
“Cancer fucked me over, so I’m fucking it over right back.”
I glanced over at Em, who was staring at the small tattoo on her wrist, a shadow of a smile on her face.

At 1:33a.m, Andy took his last breath.

I thought I was ready, but nothing really prepares you for that moment. He was there, and then he wasn’t. I saw his chest rise and fall for the last time, and then he was gone. I felt…empty. It was like a part of me had died right along with him.

Em began to sob loudly next to me. I stood up and wrapped my arms around her, holding her close to me as her body shook, determined to protect her from the world of hurt she was feeling. Deb and Karl sobbed quietly, embracing each other.

He’s gone. I can’t believe he’s gone.

My heart pounded as I held Em, the finality of the moment beginning to sink in. My best friend was gone. I’d never be able to talk to him, to hear his voice, or joke with him again. She jumped up suddenly.

“Seth.” Deb motioned for me to leave with her and Karl. I glanced at Em, who was now kneeling beside his bed, clutching his hand. “She needs a few minutes alone with him. She’ll be okay.”

Will
she?
I wasn’t so sure.

Emily

I held his hand, my tears falling uncontrollably. He was gone. No matter how much I’d tried to prepare for this moment, clutching his lifeless hand between mine was unbearable.

I can’t believe you left me. Why didn’t you fight harder?

I climbed into bed beside him, desperate to feel his body up against mine one more time. The warmth was beginning to fade, just like my will to live. I didn’t want a life without him in it. This wasn’t fair.

I lay in his arms, crying.

Please come back. I’ll do anything for you not to leave me.

I racked my mind for a memory, anything to cling onto while lying there next to him. Anything that I could use to convince myself I hadn’t lost him. But it was hopeless. My head was a mess. I’d lost the one person I thought would be there for me forever. The one person who I knew loved me, no matter what. My heart was heavy. I could have died right there alongside him and it wouldn’t have mattered.

None of it mattered anymore. Nothing.

Emily

A week had passed. It had been a whole week since he’d left me. I never thought time could pass so slowly and so fast at the same time. I was a mess. I felt like I was moving in slow motion. Nothing made sense to me anymore.

It was the day of his funeral. I hadn’t slept. I’d barely slept at all since he’d gone. Sleeping meant remembering and I wasn’t ready to do that yet. We had left the beach house and come home the day after he passed. Deb had insisted I stay with them, and I was thankful that I didn’t have to be alone.

I sat at my dressing table, waiting. It was barely nine in the morning, yet I sat there in my black dress, ready. Waiting to say my final goodbye to the man that had been my family for the last fourteen years.

I’d dressed for him today—in his favorite dress, wearing his favorite perfume with my hair pinned to the side, just how he loved it. I didn’t bother with makeup. For one, I hadn’t stopped crying for long enough to be able to apply it, and second, Andy had always told me how beautiful I was without it.

For all the pain I felt right then, I wouldn’t take anything back. I wouldn’t change anything. All the pain in the world was worth one day of knowing Andy.

Focus on the good.

I pulled out my notebook and flicked open a page. I began to read.

Christmas morning. 2002.

The first Christmas without my parents.

It had been less than a month since the accident. I couldn’t imagine ever not feeling the way I did that morning as I rose to an empty house. No tree, no presents and no reason to acknowledge the day. Even though Andy’s family had taken me in, I was back here, the night before Christmas, alone with my emotions. I didn’t want to celebrate with anyone else. I just wanted my parents back.

It was my fault they’d been killed. Every time I closed my eyes, my own words screamed back at me.
I wish I’d been born to someone else.

“Em?”

I looked up and into Seth’s eyes. He walked over and cradled me in his arms while Andy knelt down in front of me.

“What are you doing here? We’ve been so worried,” Andy said. He took my hands in his. “Have you been here all night?”

I nodded. “The settlement is tomorrow. I just needed one last day to…” My voice trailed off. I couldn’t even say it. “Besides, I don’t want to celebrate Christmas. It’s just another day like every other day.” Except more than any other day, today I was reminded of how little I’d appreciated what I’d had until I’d lost it.

“Okay,” Andy said, as if it were that simple. “Then we’re not celebrating it either.”

“What? You have to,” I protested.

“Nope,” Seth chimed in. “We’re with you, Em. We are not going to leave you, especially not today.”

I closed the book and smiled as I pushed it back into my pocket. That Christmas had been spent sitting in my empty living room eating pizza and drinking soda. They had given up their Christmas because I hadn’t been ready to move on. They were always there for me. Every moment, the two of them were by my side.

“Em?”

I looked up and saw Seth standing in my doorway.

“How did you get in?” I asked. I hadn’t even heard him knock, and I was pretty sure Deb and Karl had left ages ago.

“Spare key,” he smiled. He walked over and sat down on the bed next to me. “Are you okay?” he asked. His hand found its way to mine, his fingers entwining themselves with mine.

“Not really,” I said with a laugh. I was burying my boyfriend today. How was I supposed to be okay with that?

“Silly question, huh?”

“A little,” I agreed. Sighing, I stood up and threw myself back on the bed. I stared at the ceiling, feeling sick. “I don’t want to say goodbye to him.” He lay back with me. I rested my head on his shoulder. “I keep thinking it’s not real, you know? That I’m just having an awful nightmare and I’ll wake up and everything will be normal.”

“I feel that too,” Seth admitted. “I keep hearing his voice. Every time I close my eyes I see his face.” He hesitated. “We have to go.”

I swallowed, nodding my head. I knew we had to leave.

Seth sat up and reached for my jacket, carefully arranging it over my shoulders. “It’s cold out,” he said, his voice gruff.

***

Everyone was staring at me. I could feel their eyes on me as I sat down in the front row of the church—eyes full of pity and sadness. They felt sorry for me. I was the girl who had lost both parents tragically, and now I was burying my boyfriend. Only I didn’t want their pity.

All I wanted was Andy.

My gaze locked on the white coffin that lay in front of me. An array of lilacs and white roses had expertly been arranged on top, and a framed photo of Andy sat in the center. I studied the picture. It was from a year ago, before the cancer had come back. He looked happy.

I felt Seth’s hand close over my own. I glanced up at him. He smiled, his eyes empty. I hadn’t noticed the dark circles around them before. He looked about how I felt. Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes, imagining that it was Andy sitting next to me, supporting me.

I don’t remember much of the service. I remember standing up in front, staring at the white and brass coffin that lay in front of me, my heart broken. All I could think about was
him
, lying inside that wooden box. I’d never see him again. I’d never feel his touch against me. I’d never kiss those lips again. I trailed my finger along the edge of coffin as tears rolled down my cheeks. Seth stood next to me, his eyes red and swollen. His hand never left mine.

People stood up to talk about what a brave, wonderful man he had been. There were so many people crammed into that tiny church that it was ridiculous. I wanted to laugh. Most of these people I’d never even met. How could they stand there and mourn him when they’d obviously not cared enough to see him during his illness?

I felt Seth shift in his seat next to me. He was the only one who understood. Regardless of what had happened in the last few days, Seth was the only thing keeping me going right then. Everything else felt numb…dead. How did trivial shit like living and breathing matter anymore? Simple: it didn’t.

“Are you okay for a minute?” Seth mumbled to me.

I nodded, confused. What was he doing? I watched him as he stood up and straightened his suit jacket. He walked over to the edge of the stage and whispered something to the minister, who nodded.

He’s going to speak.

He cleared his throat and adjusted the microphone. “I wasn’t planning on speaking. I don’t have anything prepared, but I wanted to say something.”

He lifted his head and stared at me, as if I were the only person in the church. I smiled and nodded, wiping away what felt like a never-ending stream of tears. The church was so quiet you could hear the sound of his breathing through the speakers. Taking a breath, he continued.

“I thought I was prepared to lose my best friend. His death wasn’t sudden. It wasn’t unexpected. I’d had plenty of time to ready myself for what I knew was eventually going to happen. But you can never really prepare yourself to lose someone. No matter how much warning you have, or how often you tell yourself they’re in a better place now, it still sucks and it still hurts.” My heart jumped as his voice broke. His gaze fell to the floor before he took another deep breath and continued. “I was lucky to have eighteen years with Andy. I try and tell myself that I was lucky to have known him at all, but I’m selfish. I wanted more. He was the kind of guy who put everyone else before himself. His biggest worry was being forgotten, but as anyone who really knew him would know, he was unforgettable.”

He raised his head and looked me in the eyes as I struggled to control my sobbing.

“Andy, you were one in a million. I loved you like a brother and I’m forever grateful of all the wonderful memories you’ve left me with.”

A loud cry escaped from me as he walked over and touched the coffin.

“I love you, man,” he whispered.

He walked back over to me. I stood up, wrapping my arms around him as
I Will Remember You
by Sarah McLachlan began to drift through the speakers. Until then, I’d been barely holding it together. But as the lyrics floated around me, I lost it completely. I began to bawl. Seth closed the small gap between us, wrapping his arms even tighter around me.
This isn’t happening.
Any moment I was going to wake up, and it would all be over. Life couldn’t be this cruel.

Only it
was
happening. And there was nothing I could do to change that.

***

After the service, we sat in the kitchen at his parents’ house. I was sick of smiling. I was sick of pretending to every person that approached me that I was okay.

Because I wasn’t.
And I wouldn’t ever be again.

Seth sat next to me. He held my hand under the table, every now and then squeezing it just to let me know he was there for me. There were people everywhere, but I had never felt more alone. With the exception of Seth, none of these people understood. I hated thinking it, but not even Deb could understand this.

“Do you need to get some air?” Seth asked. I nodded. He stood up, and I moved with him. I followed wordlessly as he led me outside, down the back toward the huge oak tree. We sat
down,
me snuggled into the crest of his arm.

“We used to climb this tree all the time. See who could go higher. Deb used to come out and yell at us.” He glanced up and smiled. “See that branch?” I nodded. “When he was nine, he fell off that branch and broke his arm.”

I smiled, finding the sound of Seth’s chuckling soothing.

“I remember spending every weekend down at the skate park with you two, because Andy had insisted if I wanted to be in your group then I had to,” I smiled, wiping away tears.

Seth sighed, his fingers stroking my hand.

“I miss him too, Em. The pain is never going to go away, but we just have to try and get through it. We have to do it for him.”