Authors: Rhonda Bowen

One Way or Another (11 page)

BOOK: One Way or Another

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It was impossible, but for a moment, it had felt like she knew everything.

Before that morning Toni thought she could handle anything. But the moment she stepped out of the van that brought them into the community of houses that HFH would be building, she realized that she was out of her depth. She had seen the pictures of what Katrina had done on the television, had watched the reports. She had even heard some of her fellow journalists talk about what they saw when they visited the affected areas. But there was nothing like seeing it firsthand. Toni couldn't believe that even after so long there were still places like where she was standing. Places that looked like the hurricane had just passed through some days earlier instead of some years. What was worse, there were actually people living underneath these piles of board and dirt.

“Pretty bad, eh?” murmured Tina from beside her.

Toni didn't remember whether she nodded or not. In fact, she remembered little of what she actually did that dayâeven though her muscles burned from the manual labor, and the heat of the sun sucked every ounce of strength out of her. She felt like her efforts were useless.

She had no concept of time, except that at some point she noticed the sun dipping down behind the horizon and realized that they probably had been out there most of the day.

The work teams, which included several other groups from inside and around Mississippi, broke up for the day and got on the buses that would take them back to the house. Toni rested her head against the window and sighed as she looked back at the work site, which in her mind's eye only looked mildly better than it had when they had arrived that morning.

“How you feeling?” Tina asked, falling into the seat next to Toni.

Toni sighed again. “Useless.”

Tina laughed. “I know,” she said. “We always feel that way on the first day. Especially the first time out. But you'll feel different soon.”

“Look at all these houses, Tina,” Toni said, nodding to the other dilapidated structures they passed on their way out of the community. “When will all of these get rebuilt? What will happen to the people who live here until then?”

“You have to take it one day at a time, chica,” Tina said, putting a reassuring hand on Toni's. “This community wasn't built in a day. We can't rebuild it in one day either. But we do what we can. We build one house at a time until it all gets done.”

“And when is that?” Toni asked. “It's been years.”

Tina sighed. “I know. That's the hard part. But you know what? It's just like these muchachos. They come to us at fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, after years of bad influence. We can't fix everything in one day. We can't fix anything in one year. But does that mean we don't try? No. We have to try. We have to do a little. If we help one, then it is all worth it. It is the way God feels about us. Some of us take a longer time to fix than others, but it's worth it for Him.

“It might take a long time, but it will get finished,” Tina said confidently. “I am sure of it.”

Toni forced a small smile but said nothing. She wished she could be as sure as Tina, but she knew better. Maybe God fixed some people. But she was pretty sure that there were some who had to work out their lives on their own. She was one of them. And she was fine with that. At least she had no one to blame but herself. And if things didn't work out, well, the only person she could be disappointed in was herself.

She watched as another house passed by her window. From afar it looked like it might be okay, but a glimpse through the door hanging open showed that inside was a mess. The walls were rotted and there was no floor. It reminded Toni a little of herself.

Tina was wrong. Everything didn't eventually get finished. Not everyone got fixed. She was living proof of that.

Something was wrong with Toni.

Adam wasn't sure how he knew but he just did. The problem was he couldn't figure out what it was because for once she was doing exactly what she was supposed to when she was supposed to be doing it.

It was the last working day on the project. They had completed the houses they originally came to work on two days earlier and had joined with another project to help finish it up. Things had gone better than Adam had expected, and he was already seeing a huge change in attitude for a lot of the boys. He just hoped that it was real, and not just the effects of the exhaustion of working six days in the Mississippi heat. He wanted to believe that the same exhaustion was what had gotten to Toni. But as he watched her move a paint roller up the side of the house they were working on, he sensed it was more than that.

“Hey, you okay, Bayne?” Sam asked, setting down a pail of cement next to Adam. “I think I see three new wrinkles in your forehead.”

Adam barely managed to crack a smile at the only other male staff member from Jacob's House along for the trip.

“Yeah, I'm good,” Adam said, glancing up at Toni again as he poured cement for the walkway. “Hey, let me ask you, you notice anything strange about Toni?”

Sam shrugged. “Nah, not really,” he said distractedly. “Although, she does seem quieter than usual. Not chatting it up with the guys as much as she used to. But then most of these guys are so wiped out by the end of the day they're not in much of a talking mood either.”

Adam nodded. He knew that was true.

“Why you ask?” Sam asked curiously, as he emptied the rest of the cement in the pail onto the walkway and got on the other side to help Adam level the surface.

“She's just been very cooperative and low-key, that's all,” said Adam. “Very un-Toni.”

Sam laughed. “Well, maybe she's just worn out like the rest of us. Although Tina did mention that she freaked out a little yesterday.”

“Oh yeah?” Adam said, looking up.

“Yeah,” Sam said, not pausing from his work. “Apparently she was acting all weird when the bus pulled up hereâalmost like she didn't want to be here. And then when they handed out work assignments, she switched with Tina so she wouldn't have to work inside the house.”

Adam frowned. “She didn't want to work inside?”

Sam nodded. “That's what Tina said. I don't know what her problem was. If I got to work inside and be out of this killer sun, I would not be giving that up, you know?”

Adam did know, and although it was a small thing, it made him even more convinced that something was going on with her. He was determined to talk to her as soon as he got a free moment. But when the foreman called for a break, she disappeared.

“Tina, where's Toni?” he asked, after searching the grounds in vain for several minutes.

“I think she's on the bus,” Tina said. “She said she was going to rest for five minutes.”

“Thanks,” Adam said, already heading toward the direction of the bus.

“Adam?”

He paused to look back at Tina, and caught the concerned look on her face as she stepped toward him.

“I don't think she's okay,” Tina said, lowering her voice. “Something's not right with her.”

“Yeah, I've been having that feeling too,” Adam said. “Let me go talk to her.”

It didn't take long to find her. She was sitting outside on the ground, on the shady side of the bus, away from the crowd. Her head was rested against her knees, which were pulled up to her chest. He almost thought she was sleeping, except she was breathing way too fast, and he could see it.

“Toni?” He stooped down beside her. “Are you okay? What's going on?”

She moved slightly, but didn't answer.

“Toni.” He placed a hand on her back. It was warm and damp.

“Go away, Adam,” she said, her voice muffled since she never bothered to lift her head.

“Toni, talk to me,” he said, unable to hide the concern in his voice. “What's going on with you?”

“Nothing.”

“How about you look up and tell me that?”

She lifted her head and rubbed her palms over her face. “I'm fine,” she said, finally turning her head to look at him. Her eyes were blotchy and her nose red. She was not fine.

“If you're fine, why are your eyes red?” Adam challenged.

“Grass allergies,” she lied.

“They just showed up today?”

“Yes,” Toni said, stubbornly looking away.

“No they didn't,” Adam said. “You've been crying. Talk to me, please.”

“There's nothing to talk about.”

She took a deep breath and tried to stand up. But her legs wouldn't hold her and she began falling as she lost her balance. Adam stepped closer and grabbed her before her body slammed into the hard side of the bus.

“Okay, that's it,” he said. “We're taking you back now.”

“No, I'm okay,” she protested, pushing away from him.

“You're not okay,” Adam said. “And I'm not going to just let you run yourself ragged.”

“Adam ...”

“This is not a discussion, Toni,” Adam said. He was mad at himself for not seeing how bad she was before. “Get on the bus.”

She tried one of her scowls, but even that was weak. He breathed a sigh of relief when she finally gave in and got on the bus without protesting. He hoped some rest would help revive her. But he had a feeling it would take a lot more than that.

Chapter 13

T
oni was exhausted.

Every jolt and pothole the bus hit reminded her of it. But it wasn't just her body that was exhausted. She felt tired on the inside.

As she leaned against the window, she was glad that she didn't have to share her seat with anyone. The thought of trying to muster up any sort of facade of decency was unbearable. She just needed to get through the next three hours and then she could be home and in her bed, and away from the images that were swirling in her mind.

She was stupid for coming here.

She knew it for sure two days ago when their bus pulled up in front of that house. That wretched house that looked just like the one she had grown up in. It was identical, down to the paint on the porch. If she wasn't sure before, she knew at that moment that the devil was real, and he was mocking her. It had taken everything in her just to stay there. And now she was drained.

She took another deep breath. Only three more hours.

“Is this seat taken?”

“Yes,” she mumbled, without turning away from the window to respond to Adam.

“Too bad,” he said, sitting down beside her anyway. “I just gave mine up to one of the boys so he could sleep. This is the only one left.”

The only word that came to her mind was
whatever.
But she couldn't even muster the energy for that, so she closed her eyes and tried to sleep. Thankfully Adam seemed to get the point and didn't attempt to speak to her.

She should have known better than to choose the seat directly above the wheel of the bus. Sleep was almost impossible as every imperfection of the road vibrated through the window and into her head. She was on the verge of crying from misery, when she felt Adam's hand on her back pulling her toward him. Without even the slightest thought of resisting, she sunk gladly onto his shoulder, sleep claiming her almost immediately.

Toni's shoulder hurt. Really badly. She tried to move but the pain that shot through her was so intense it took her breath away. No, moving was not happening. She opened her eyes and blinked several times. Everything was blurry and too bright. She blinked again and it seemed to clear a little. She was looking at white.

Where was she?

Moving her fingers, she felt something soft beneath them. Carpet? She sensed something else. Like movement. But why couldn't she hear anything? Something was wrong with her ears. She could feel herself panicking. Where was she? Wherever it was, she needed to get out of there.

She tried again to move, this time bracing for the pain. She managed to shift a little. Her shoulder felt heavy, and she reached her other hand over to try and lift it off the floor so she could sit up. That was when she felt the dampness. The panic became dread when she moved the mobile hand in front of her face and realized it was covered with blood. Her blood. She was bleeding!

She forced herself to sit up. Bile rushed to her throat as companion to the immense pain that swallowed her senses. If she wasn't dead yet, it certainly was happening now. Her vision was going blurry again, and her head was swimming, but she had to move. Had to get help. Somehow her brain had registered the fact that she was at her home.

Rolling to her side, Toni pushed herself onto her knees, then onto her feet, grabbing for the wall as a support. She took a step forward but her feet hit something heavy in the way. She looked down and another bout of panic and cold fear hit her as she caught sight of the body of her mother. She screamed, but it only came out as a hoarse rasp. But it was enough to solicit attention. She felt more than heard the pounding on the stairs, and the movement coming toward her. Stumbling back from her mother's body, she held onto the wall and limped her way to the kitchen, a trail of bright red blood on the pristine eggshell walls marking where she had been.

The footsteps were coming. Her brain screamed for her to move faster, but her body couldn't muster the strength to do it. She stumbled blindly backward into the kitchen. Through her cloudy vision she could make out a distorted figure in front of her now. Stumbling backward even faster, she tripped over the corners of the steps, over rugs, over walls and edges that on any other day she could navigate with her eyes closed. The figure moved and she heard the distinct click of metal against metal.

She was going to die.

She pushed back another step but this time her feet didn't touch anything. There was a loud explosion and the ground shifted from beneath her.

Toni screamed as her hands reached out to grab for anything to keep her from falling.

Her fingers found soft jersey material and she clung to it with everything inside her, hoping desperately that it would keep her anchored. But it was strong arms around her that held her firm instead.

“Hey, hey, hey, it's okay. Toni, wake up. It's okay. It was just a dream.”

Toni's mind barely registered the voice whispering close to her ear. Her lungs ached as she sucked in huge violent gulps of air. And yet she still felt like she couldn't breathe. She still felt like she was dying.

“Toni, it's okay. You're okay.”

No she wasn't. She knew she wasn't. But warm hands on the sides of her face insisted otherwise.

“Open your eyes, Toni,” the voice said. “Open your eyes. Come on, it's okay. You're okay. Just open your eyes.”

She opened her eyes and found herself staring into warm brown ones. Concerned warm brown ones. Nonetheless her heart kept pounding at an erratic pace. She took a deep breath. Then another. Then another.

“Adam?”

“Yeah,” he said. He let out a deep breath he seemed to have been holding. “You scared me half to death a while ago and nearly woke up half the bus with that scream.”

Toni blinked and looked around her, realizing, as she saw the curious faces watching her, that she had been asleep. She had only been dreaming. It had felt so real.

She also realized that she was still holding on to the front of Adam's shirt like it was a lifeline. She willed herself to let go. It took a couple moments for her brain to transmit the action to her hands. When she finally did, she slid back over to the window, sinking low in her seat in embarrassment.

“She okay?” she heard one of the boys whisper.

“Yeah, I think she's fine,” Adam answered. “She just had a bad dream. Go back to your seats.”

A few moments passed before she dared another glance at Adam. ”I'm sorry,” she mumbled.

He shrugged it off. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

She nodded and turned her head away. But even though she stared out the window, all she could see were the images from her dream replaying in her mind. The blood on her hands, her mother's body on the floor. The gun aimed at her. The explosion when it was fired. Involuntarily her whole body began to shake.

Out of nowhere she felt Adam wrap his arms around her.

“Hey, hey, it's okay,” he murmured, pulling her into his chest to hold her still. “It's over. You're here. You're okay.”

She hated crying. But she was so exhausted that she couldn't stop the tears. She silently wondered how long she would have to go through this. It felt like every year it got worse, instead of better. Every time she closed her eyes the memories became clearer and clearer. Her dreams felt more real than everything around her. More real than the bus she was sitting in. More real than Adam's arms around her. More real than life. And if this was how life was going to be, she wasn't sure she wanted it anymore.

“Was it your parents?” Adam asked after a long moment.

Toni nodded. She heard him sigh.

“Is this why you can't sleep?”

She nodded again.

“I'm sorry,” he said from somewhere above her head. “I know it probably doesn't mean much, but I am.”

It was something. Enough to start the quiet tears again.

“What happened?” he asked.

Toni knew what he was doing. He was trying to talk her out of her head. Connect her back to reality by engaging her. She remembered the technique from her brief time on a therapist's couch. She let him use it on her.

“I was sixteen when our parents died.” Her voice sounded hoarse to her own ears. “Trey was in the middle of college. I was getting ready to graduate. And then everything fell apart.

“In an instant they were gone, and we had nothing.”

“What about your other family?”

Toni sniffled and shifted away from Adam, back into her own seat. “We had one aunt living in California. She stayed with us for a while. But we were already grown and she didn't know what to do with us. She left after a month. Then Trey went back to school, and it was just me.”

Toni sighed. Why was she even telling him this? Maybe because she still felt hazy about what was real and what was a dream. This could be either. And talking was making her feel better. Or rather, less insane.

“What did you do?” he asked after a moment.

“I got emancipated,” Toni said with a sigh of release, her voice finally evening out. “I got a job. Did what I had to do. Plus there was some insurance to help. Trey finished school and got his commercial pilot license.”

A weak smile lifted her lips as she thought of the day her brother got his wings. “He always wanted to fly. That was his dream.”

“What about your dreams?” Adam asked.

Toni shrugged. She couldn't remember any of them.

The hum of the bus engine filled the silence that fell after that.

“I'm sorry,” Adam said after a moment, the empathy in his voice reaching out and caressing her. “You deserved more than that.”

She could feel his eyes burning into her, but she couldn't face them. So she turned away to the window. Empty, barren land rushed by them as they sped along the highway. There was nothing to see. But the nothing out there was better than the nothing Adam would see if she let him look into her like he was trying to.

It was a nothingness that had been there for a long time, and which had finally taken over completely.

The red letters stared mockingly back at Toni from her bedside table. 10:00 a.m. It had been twelve hours since she'd crawled into her bed. But she hadn't slept a wink.

The rest of the trip home had been uneventful. When the bus pulled into the Jacob's House parking lot at 8:30 p.m., Toni had made a beeline for her motorcycle and her apartment. A shower and two aspirins later, she had been in bed. However, sleep had been the one thing she'd been unable to tackle. Even though her bones were so exhausted they screamed for rest, her exhausted soul was what kept her awake.

She wished she could close her eyes and make it all go away, but her eyelids were painted with images from the past. Whatever box she had locked them in was now completely open, and they now had free reign all over her, running amok in her mind and wreaking havoc over her sanity. She couldn't shake the image of her mother lying still on the floor. Her blood, as it seeped slowly across the pale tiles.

Toni buried her face in the already soaked pillow and drew her knees up to her chest.

God, I don't know if you still know me, but if you are there ... if you can hear me ... please let me die. I can't do this anymore.

Though it was morning, darkness seemed to wrap around Toni like a cold, wet blanket. It weighed down her entire body, making it hard to move, or even breathe. She was drowning and she didn't know how much longer she could last.

Let Me help you.

The words echoed in the caverns of her battered mind more clearly than her own thoughts. With them came a flicker of hope that lit up the corners of her being for a brief moment. But almost immediately it was swallowed up by the darkness that was slowly eating her from the inside out. It was too late for her.

Let Me help you.

There was a buzzing in her ears. It kept going and wouldn't stop. Toni pulled the pillow over her head but she could still hear it. Maybe this was another symptom of her insanity.

Pounding soon accompanied the buzzing and Toni realized that it was the door. With energy she didn't know she had, she crawled out of bed and felt her way over to the door. She stopped a few times just to catch her breath. Her head was spinning and pounding at the same time. Each step felt like a hammer to her temples. When she finally got to the door, she had to brace herself against the frame to open it.

She barely remembered turning the locks when it swung open.

“Toni! I've been out here for like fifteen minutes. What took you so long ... Toni?”

BOOK: One Way or Another

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