One Song Away (14 page)

Chapter Twenty-One

If I were standing, my legs wouldn’t hold my weight. I feel like I’ve exposed my bare bones, like there’s no longer any wall to hide behind. I can’t play this off with a laugh or a joke, and I certainly can’t pretend that it’s all part of the act. That option went out the window weeks ago. All I can do is take a breath and go forward.

“I
love
you,” I say again. It’s a terrifying thrill to let the words float out into the space between us. Sure, I’ve said them before, but always with a pat on his shoulder, always downplayed. I’ve never said them to him without hiding how I
really
mean them.

Twisting my hands together, I chance a look at Jake. He’s staring at me, his eyes wide. Wild. I can’t tell what he’s feeling. His brows are drawn together. He isn’t moving toward me, but he also isn’t moving away.

“I’ve loved you for a long time,” I say quietly. “I guess you were my first love. When we were kids, I thought I’d never love anyone
but
you.” I smile because I’ve loved and been in love since Coop, but never with this permanence. “I’ve had several relationships, but I think I was always thinking of you in the back of my mind. And then moving back here, and our arrangement—” I blink, suddenly realizing how it must look. “That wasn’t me using you. I honestly didn’t think I’d fall for you again, but I
did
. I fell so hard...”

Chills are popping up along my arms. I rub my hands together to ward off the cold and my emotions. I want Jake to hold me, but having taken this step, I’m afraid to go any further until he’s had time to process what I’m saying. It’s one thing for him to have believed I was just now feeling something for him, but another to hear how far back it all goes.

“I know this is sudden, but I…I love you, Jake. And I very much want to be with you, but I needed you to know how I feel before we take that step. And well, now you know.”

I’ve never asked him to reach across the line between us until now. Everything has led to this. I honestly never thought we would be at this point when I asked him to be my fill-in boyfriend. I planned for it to be over in a week, but then neither of us ended it. And now…here we are. All he has to do is reach across the breath between us.

But he hasn’t. He isn’t.

At first, I’m sure it’s because he’s just in shock. I’ve hit him with a hell of a lot of truth. But then the seconds turn to one minute. Two. I pull part of his blanket to my chest to stave off the continued vulnerability I feel from knowing all my cards are on the table. But the longer Jake is silent, the more terrified I am that I’ve just made the biggest mistake of my life.

“Coop?”

He’s looking at me as if he’s never seen me before. I’ve imagined that expression on his face, but it’s always been tinged with wonder. Wonder at really
seeing
me, at realizing I love him. It’s never been flush with bewilderment. Like he can’t even imagine me loving him. Everyone else does, so why can’t
I
?

“
Say
something.” I hear the plea in my voice, but I can’t erase it.

His chest rises and falls three more times before he finally speaks. “Claire…”

He won’t look at me. I can’t hear this. I
can’t
. Oh God. I was wrong earlier. I was wrong. I wanted to believe in us, wanted to believe we were on the same page. That he loved me, too. He said he was with me, and he said I’m all he can see, but he doesn’t
really
want me like I want him. If he did, he wouldn’t be silent now.

He made me believe, tonight. He made me believe he’s as in love with me as I am with him, but it’s still only me filled with longing. Only me with a ripped up, blown apart, useless heart.

Suddenly, being in his bed is suffocating me. I stand and hunt for my dress in the semidarkness. When I find it, my hands are shaking too badly to put it on at first. I make myself count to ten and then try again. When I’m dressed, I feel less breakable. My shoes. I need my shoes. I have to leave.

“Claire, wait.” Jake reaches for me, but I jerk away from him before his fingers can graze my skin.

If he touches me, I’ll stay. If I stay, I’ll listen to him. If I listen to him, he’ll tell me that he’s flattered, but he doesn’t love me like that. And if he tells me he doesn’t love me back, whatever strength I have left, however I’m holding myself together at all, will be gone. And I know what I look like broken. I don’t want to go there again. Each time I’ve fallen apart, it’s been harder to put myself back together. I’m not sure I can recover from another break.

“I have to go.” I shove my feet into my shoes, not even caring if they’re buckled.

“I need to explain—” Jake’s hoarse voice tugs at me.

“No.” I hold up a trembling hand, palm out to stop him. “No, you don’t have to explain.” My bag. Where’s my fucking
bag
?

Jake crosses the room, stopping a few feet away from me. He could reach out and pull me into his arms, but he doesn’t. He could tell me it’s okay, but he doesn’t. He could tell me he loves me, but he doesn’t. Instead, he rakes a hand through his hair. I know he doesn’t want to hurt me, but he’s going to anyway.

“I do, though. This isn’t what you think. You’ve got to let me tell you what’s really happenin’.”

“I know.” I exhale sharply. “You love me as a friend. You always have. You went along with our arrangement to be nice. You were attracted to me, maybe even into me, but you don’t feel the same way I do. You were going to sleep with me earlier, but you aren’t in love with me. Does that about cover it?”

I find my bag and clutch it tightly for something to do other than look at him. His eyes are tearing me to shreds. Why does
he
get to look so upset when
I’m
the one falling apart one breath at a time?

Jake stands, pacing. “
No
. Dammit, you’ve got it wrong. If you’d just listen to me—” He breaks off, slashing his hand through his hair. “Claire, did it ever occur to you that despite thinking you know it all, including what I’m feeling, that I care about you, too? That you could be
wrong
?”

“No, I think I’ve got it
right
.” Throwing my purse over my shoulder, I walk to his door. I turn back once. “This was fun, and I’m real sorry I fucked it up.”

My voice breaks on the last words, and I know I should go. I should, but I don’t want to, because as soon as I walk out of this room, it’s all over—our relationship, our friendship, our bond. I’m not ready to lose everything.

I don’t
want
to go.

“You don’t…” I’m choking on my words. On disappointment. “You don’t know what it’s
like
.” I barely whisper, but the room is quiet, so I know he hears them. “Everyone loves you, and you…you’d love
anyone
but me.” Hot tears fall so fast that I can’t even wipe them away before more follow. “You don’t know what it’s like to ache for a touch, a kiss…
anything
. You are all I have
ever
wanted, the only thing I’ve ever been selfish enough to want for myself.”

I’m not ready to give up our phone calls and emoji text conversations. I’m not ready to give up Freshly Ground. I’m not ready to give up Jake’s hugs, or
that
smile, the one he always saves for me. I’m not ready to be done, to walk away and have to find out who I am without him. And mostly, I’m not ready to give up this dream that one day, he’ll love me, too. It’s ruined me and it’s saved me, and I am not sure who I’ll be when it ends. All I know is that it has to end.

I have to end it.
Now
.

“Goodbye, Jake.”

I take the step past the threshold of his room. And even though it takes every fucking bit of strength I have, I keep going. Out the front door. Down the street, even though I think I hear him calling after me. By the time I make it to Time Out, I can barely see through my tears to find Sloane’s car. It’s unlocked, and I slump into the passenger’s seat. I send Sloane a quick text, not even caring if it’s legible or not.

She finds me there ten minutes later. I’m barefoot and I can barely speak through sobs. She doesn’t say anything. She just opens her arms and holds me while I cry.

___ ___ ___

I’m back on my couch, where I started the evening. Well, technically, it’s tomorrow, but since I haven’t been to bed yet, it’s all the same to me. Going to Time Out, Jake showing up. Those too-brief moments when I thought we were on the same page. And then there’s just pain. This pain that makes breathing hard. I know it’s because I haven’t stopped crying since Sloane found me, but it feels like my heart is breaking. My chest aches with every short breath I take.

Sloane, Brenna, and Mina finally help me to my bed, and without asking, they pile up with me. I haven’t said much of anything since they brought me here. I’m sure Sloane told them some variation of the story I told her, but they haven’t asked. I know they’re waiting until I’m ready, and I appreciate that.

The problem is, I’m not sure I’ll
ever
be ready. I knew this might happen, but I hoped with all my heart it wouldn’t.

I’ve been here before. I’ve broken up with guys, and been broken up with. I’ve ended it via text message, via screaming match. It’s been ugly and civil. And this sharp ending of something that was never real hurts the worst. With the other guys, even if we were together for some time, I could grieve them and move on. Or know I was better off without them.

It’s different with Jake. He’s in all of my memories. He’s everywhere. In the framed picture on my nightstand. In dozens of pictures in my camera roll on my phone. In the few videos of us, me dancing around his kitchen while he tries to cook.

“Soph? Honey?” Sloane pushes my hair away from my face.

I make a muffled sound so she knows I’m still awake and somewhat functioning. Cassidy is asleep on the other side of me, so I don’t want to be loud and wake her. She passed out about an hour ago. She cried almost as hard as I did. Jake is practically a big brother to her, and I think she knows that this isn’t just a fight. This is…the end.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I’ve never heard Sloane so tentative. Like she’s afraid if she pushes me too hard, I’ll shatter.

I open my mouth to speak, but all that comes out is a moan. I know I can do better than this. I can
be
better than this. My mama raised me to wipe my eyes and keep my chin held high, no matter what happened. She always told me that it’s okay to be sad and it’s okay to mourn an ending, but that I can’t let the ending destroy me.

Sloane puts an arm around my shoulders and pulls me close. It’s almost too much contact, after everything earlier with Jake. Right now I should be snuggled next to him, asleep. Having wonderful dreams about us. Instead I’m here without him.

“It’s going to be okay, Sophie,” Brenna says. Her eyes are full of tears, and just now, I love her. I realize again while looking at all of them that I have friends. True friends who are here for me in the middle of the night, who aren’t leaving. Friends who want to help, even if there isn’t a lot they can do other than keep me breathing.

“We talked in the park for a while.” I suck in a deep breath. Was that only hours ago? “He told me he wanted to be with me, and after that, things moved quickly. We went back to his place and things got heated. We were about to make love when I told him I love him.” When I close my eyes, I can still see him sitting there, unmoving, after my confession. “He didn’t say it back. I guess that’s why he was always so careful never to tell me he loves me. I just…made assumptions.”

Someone takes my hand, so I open my eyes. It’s Mina. She squeezes tight. “Is there any chance he was just shocked? Didn’t know how to react?” She frowns. “We were so sure he felt the same.”

“I don’t know.” I dab at my eyes with a tissue. I’m so tired of crying. “He tried to explain, but I left. I probably should have stayed and heard what he had to say, but I just ran. I couldn’t handle him letting me down gently. Even if he was shocked, he could have tried
harder
.” Breaking away from Mina, I frown. “I knew there was a good chance this would happen, but I thought it was worth it. I thought the risk was worth it, because there was also a chance we’d end up together.” My voice tangles around a sob, then shatters.

Mina and Sloane exchange glances. I can’t tell what they’re thinking, but I don’t ask. I don’t want to dissect what happened any more than I already have. It won’t change anything. It will only make me more miserable, and getting over Jake is already going to be hard enough as it is. It would be different if it was just a crush, but in the last two months, we felt more
real
than any other relationship I’ve ever been in. I honestly thought that there wouldn’t be any need to pretend soon, because we’d be genuinely together. I thought that’s what we both wanted.

I’ve never been so wrong in my life.

“I lost him,” I whisper. “And I didn’t just lose someone I wanted to date. I can’t go back.” I let out a slow sigh. “I lost one of my best friends tonight. He’s been my friend almost as long as I’ve known you,” I say, looking at Sloane. “And I just…lost him.”