On His Turf (21 page)
“It’s cozy,” I say, tugging my dress down so I can sit cross-legged on the floor. There’s an old ghetto blaster sitting on top of the television that he switches on and Backstreet Boys comes through the speakers. “I didn’t peg you for the boy band type,” I laugh and he tries but fails to hide his smile.
“This thing only plays tapes and I think this might be the last tape we own.”
As the familiar notes of ‘I’ll Never Break Your Heart’ play we both fall quiet and my mind goes back to his ex and Matty’s advice.
“What’s going on with you?” Shane interrupts my thoughts. “I leave you alone with Allison for five minutes and when I come back you look like someone kicked your puppy.”
“What a lovely expression,” I say but he ignores my change of subject.
“Talk to me, babe.”
“How serious were you and Allison?” I ask, staring at my hands in my lap.
“Like I said we were kids and we talked about the ridiculous things all eighteen year olds talk about including getting married and living happily ever after. But let me be perfectly clear - even if you and I had never met I would under no circumstances be with her. She showed me her true colors years ago and I’m over it. I’m mostly pissed because she brought Marco to my parent’s house and now I have to watch him ogle you without being able to do anything about it.”
He surprises me with his answer and so I ask the question I wasn’t planning on asking. “And what about Annie?”
“Annie?” he gives me a strange look. “Wow…Allison really is a bitch. Babe, Annie was my lab partner. She tutored me senior year and helped me bump my chemistry grade from a C- to the solid B that I needed for my scholarship. She was a really cool chick and a friend but nothing more. Allison is messing with you.”
“Is she?” I ask in a hoarse voice and he scoots forward so our knees our touching.
“You can’t let her get inside your head like that. It’s all that shit your mom puts on you that’s making you feel like less.”
“You sound like Matty,” I laugh shortly.
“Well he’s a smart guy then.”
“Shane…can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“What’s in the room upstairs with the closed door?” I figure if he’s opening up to me he might as well let it all out now.
“It’s probably not what you think it is,” he says letting his shoulders sag.
“I don’t think anything,” I say quietly. “That’s why I’m asking.”
“It was my brother, Connor’s room. He died almost ten years ago.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, taking his hands in mine.
“It’s been a long time since he passed and it’s not like the room is set up like a crazy shrine or anything but some of his old stuff is still in there: football trophies, jerseys and pictures. It’s just hard for me to look at.”
“Tell me about him,” I say and he pulls his hands away and runs them through his cropped hair.
“He was a pretty amazing kid. He was named an All-USA prospect for football and there were a lot of college scouts sniffing around before he died. He had everything: the looks and the arm, good friends, a great girlfriend, a family who loved him. He kept his pain hidden so well that we never knew how much he was struggling.”
“What happened to him?” I ask.
“He was eighteen when he hanged himself at a friend’s party. I was twenty-one and in my second year at Florida State. I wasn’t even around to see the signs,” he explains and the guilt in his voice is unmistakable. “At first we thought there might have been drugs involved but the toxicology report showed that his mind was as clear as day when he made that choice.” His voice catches when he speaks the next part. “Our family…it was ugly for a long time and there are still days. It really pulled us apart. My mom blamed my dad for pushing him too hard, I blamed myself for not being a bigger part of his life and in a way I think I also blamed the twins for taking up for much of my mom’s attention. How fucked up is that? They were only ten years old.” He hangs his head and I get up on to my knees and pull his face into my chest.
“I think blame is pretty normal reaction to tragedy. You love your little brothers so much and anyone can see that,” I whisper, placing a kiss atop his head. “Is that why you have the tattoo?” I ask and he gives me a sad smile.
“It’s from the bible. ‘Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning’. I went through a pretty dark time after his death. It’s probably one of the reasons that I have the reputation I do and why I’ve tried so hard to keep people at a distance. It wasn’t until I found this quote that I really started feeling whole again and the tattoo reminds me every day to hold on through the pain because there’s light at the end of the tunnel,” he explains. “I know I will always feel Connor’s loss and it will never go away but there are the bright moments that shine down that remind me why life is worth living.”
“That is beautiful.”
“It’s been a long time since I’ve talked about him,” he says, his voice muffled against my chest.
“I hope you will keep talking about him. That’s what I’m here for,” I say, keeping my arms firmly looped around his neck.
“You are my bright moment, Carmelina,” he whispers so softly that I almost don’t hear him.
“Shane?” I say and his eyes are bright with moisture when he looks up at me. “I love you,” I whisper. My pulse is pounding as I say the words but as soon as they are out I feel a calmness wash over me like I’ve never felt before. Somehow the air around me all of the sudden feels a bit lighter.
His beautiful mouth breaks into a smile so wide that it cracks right through the walls around my heart and I lower my head until our lips are touching.
“I love you too,” he breathes, kissing me tenderly. “Let’s not fuck this up,” he adds and I laugh against his mouth.
“Amen,” I answer as we fall back on to the floor together tangled in each other’s arms.
The next month flies by as Shane and I spend more and more time together. During the day when I’m at work and he’s at practice or a game I immerse myself in research on my story but at night we try to see each other as much as we can when I’m not working shifts at Fantasy - which he still thinks is Yagger’s. We check out the live music downtown, hit up the local breweries and explore as much of Austin’s outdoorsy side as we can.
Sometimes we go out for dinners and other times I cook for him at my place where we always end up hot and heavy on the sofa before falling asleep in each other’s arms. Sometimes the sex is slow and sweet and other times it’s quick and dirty but each time is better than the last if that’s even humanly possible. While we talked about only being intimate with each other while figuring this thing out we still don’t talk much about the future. But something definitely shifted for us both that day up in his treehouse and although this relationship stuff is new for both of us neither of us is ready to let go of what we have. The truth is that I fall harder for him every time I see him and I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to let go.
Though he hasn’t said it I think he feels the shift too because he’s bugging me more and more about accompanying him on his away games. When I tell him that I can’t just up and leave because it interferes with my job we always seems to end up in a fight. Like the one we had last night where I called him a ‘sexist pig who values his career above mine’ and he called me ‘stubborn and uncompromising’. Fortunately for us both it ended with me bent over the sofa and him driving his point into me until I was begging him to let me come. I guess I shouldn’t expect anything less from Shane since he approaches life with the same single-minded intensity he does soccer.
It’s a quarter to five on Friday night and I need to be at Fantasy Lounge in an hour for the shift I’m covering. It’s not until I head back into the kitchen for a snack that I get his text.
Shane: Practice wrapped early. Been thinking about you all day.
Carmelina: That’s sweet.
Shane: Trust me when I say my thoughts haven’t been all that sweet. You make it hard for a man to concentrate on his work.
Carmelina: How hard?
My fingers fly across the keys before my brain can catch up and a giggle escapes my lips.
Shane: I’m on my way over.
Carmelina: Don’t. I have to leave for work in less than twenty minutes.
Shane: You’re working again.
Carmelina: I picked up an extra shift :-(
Shane: I haven’t seen u in 2 days.
Carmelina: It’s just one more day then.
Shane: Fuck it, I’ll come to the bar. I’m heading to my car right now.
Carmelina: No.
Shane: Why not?
Carmelina: You know why.
Shane: I know that the place is a dive that you are embarrassed to work at. So quit.
Carmelina: I’m not having this fight with you again. Not by text.
Shane: Quit.
Carmelina: Shut up Shane.
Shane: It’s a long way to drive for minimum wage. You probably spend more in gas getting there than you make.
I don’t know why he keeps it up when he knows that every time he offers pay my bills I damn near hit the roof. In the bedroom I love him taking charge but everywhere else I figure he can just shove it.
Carmelina: Not really interested in an economics lesson right now.
Shane: Damn, u have no idea how much I want to teach that cheeky mouth of yours a lesson. Call in sick?
Carmelina: I really can’t. I picked up the extra shift for a co-worker and I can’t leave them short.
Shane: I guess this means I have no excuse to skip Marco’s birthday.
Carmelina: I thought you hated that guy?
Shane: I do but the whole team is going. I was hoping you’d be my better plans.
Carmelina: Sorry to disappoint. Where’s he celebrating?
Shane: No idea.
Carmelina: Go out with the guys and enjoy yourself.
Shane: I won’t. I’ll be thinking of all the other ways I’d rather be enjoying myself - like burying myself deep inside you.
Carmelina: !!!!!
Shane: Don’t pretend you don’t love it.
Carmelina: GOODBYE SHANE.
Shane: Drive safe. I love you.
Carmelina: You too. Have fun and I’ll talk to you tomorrow xoxox
Shane: Call me before you go to bed?
Carmelina: Prob a late one - home after 2am. Will call u in the morning.
Shane: Grrr
I sigh deeply as I toss my phone back on to the counter. I hate lying to him about the Fantasy Lounge but things are already strained between us when it comes to my second job - or at least when it comes to the job he thinks I have. I didn’t tell him at first partly because I wasn’t prepared for his reaction and partly because I didn’t think it was his business but now that we are together he definitely has a right to know. I can only imagine his reaction when he finds out what I’m really doing. And while I know that I should take Matty’s advice and just tell him it never feels like the right time. Shane and I got serious way faster than I ever would have anticipated and now that we’ve been together for a almost a few months I don’t know how to back-track. But short of driving out of town and begging the owner of Yagger’s to hire me I can’t see any good way out of this so I guess I will just have to lay all my cards out on the table and hope for the best. If he hates me he hates me and there’s nothing I can do about that but at least I won’t be living with this secret looming over me.
I bang my head against the kitchen cupboards as I curse my current predicament. As much as it sucks I know I have to just put on my big girl panties and take responsibility for the situation that I created. Now that Shane and I have gotten to know each other better hopefully he will see past what I do to who I am and then maybe we can move forward. After all it’s only a job and a well-paying one at that. It doesn’t define me. He will just have to see that.
“I’ll tell him tomorrow,” I say out loud to myself, the only response coming from the ticking of the clock on the wall. I repeat the mantra again a few more times in my head and it makes perfect sense. Only one more shift to get through until we can sit down and hash this thing out together. What a kick ass plan.
“Table six wants two more boiler makers and table eleven keeps asking where the one who looks like the Victoria’s Secret model went,” Rick rambles on but I cut him off.
“I don’t know why people keep making that comparison!”
“I’m just telling it like it is, baby girl.”
I slam the two beers and two whiskey shots on to my tray and stomp back over to table six. I’m in a foul mood because the place is near-empty and the last two tables stiffed me with less than ten percent which means I’ll be losing money in the tip-out tonight. Matty, who easily reads my mood, has been trying to handle me with kid gloves but even he can see that I’m about to blow and when Rick approaches again and touches my arm I almost rip his head off.
“Dammit, what?” I yell and he backs away with his hands raised in surrender. It is a gesture that a man who lives with five women is probably pretty used to making.