On Becoming His (2 page)

Another word I’ve learned recently is patience. Personally I have none and I will need to learn more than my share in order to appreciate, but I also know the Dom has to have a tremendous amount as well – if not more than the sub. The Dom is naturally going to enjoy the level of control and the possible abuse of power is definitely something both have to understand and respect. Therefore you both have to know this isn’t something you either learn right away or stop learning about. The change is tremendous and patience is an incredible virtue. The sub will fail, will try the Dom’s patience and will without a doubt be willful at times, pushing the limits. The Dom must know how to react and how and when NOT to react.

I’ve often told people this type of
relationship is stronger than marriage and I truly believe that it is. I’m giving you what I hope is an emotional journey of one woman’s desire to enter into a D/s relationship after years of being the strong woman and the one in charge. Jezebel is not only afraid of admitting to her friends
that
she wants to be taken in hand by a very powerful man
,
but she’s
also
terrified of admitting the truth to herself. This is an
impassioned
journey and some of the poem
s
I’ve included I’ve written over the past few years. Is this a personal telling? Well, perhaps to a degree but this is more about the angst we all feel inside and the hunger we have wanting someone to love us. It’s also about being true to ourselves and so many of us feel we can’t – or aren’t allowed.

I also give you a taste of my
Dom,
both his why’s of how he became a Dom and why he hungers for this woman differently
,
but his
complete
story will com
e
in a later piece. This is about Jezebel’s decision.
Her wants. Her
needs.

Come with me as I share her story, her worries and the changes in her life as she steps into a new beginning….

On Becoming His…

Kisses   xxx

Cassandre

Admittance

He is my lover

He
is my friend

He is my Sir

Jezebel Waters, Jessie to all who knew her, sat at her kitchen table aimlessly swirling her finger around the edge of her wine glass.
The words a mantra, she had been saying them over and over again for weeks. This wasn’t about convincing herself
of anything. The words were
frankly stated
and utterly the truth
,
and in
fact
had allowed her soul to be freed completely for the first time in her life.
The thought
,
even to her
, seemed odd
initially, but the moment she’d not only accepted
the realization
but also
really worked through the why’s in he
r mind, the day had been one of the best in
her life.
And very freeing.
Sadly, this was also a concept and a lifestyle she had no idea how to expla
in to others why she wanted something so different
–
no
had
to have the blissful change
in her life. How the hell could she? After all, she was a strong woman in every term of the word. Jessie had it all. That’s what everyone told her. But the truth was, she’d been unhappy the majority of her adult life.
At least the partial truth was her life was full of broken dreams and she wanted more – so much more.

Sighing, Jessie
tried to simply hone in on the intense rock music blasting from the CD player and groaned. What she needed was something softer
,
given the mood she was in. Rising to her feet, she slowly walked into the living room and flipped through her eclectic selection of music, finally selecting her favorite Spanish guitarist.
The moment the sultry sounds filtered into the air
,
she exhaled slowly.
Nodding, she folded her arms and walked back to retrieve her wine, her nerves frazzled.

Why the hell she was so ants
y wasn’t really wasn’t the question
. She knew why. After all, she’d fallen hard for a man who
continued to take
her breath away. Taking a sip of wine, she licked the rim and thought about him. Luke Brennan was everything she’d eve
r wanted in a lover and mate
. From his rugged features and deep chocolate skin to his soulful eyes and quiet demeanor, he was without a doubt the most intriguing man she’d ever met. He was also a practice
d
Dom
but hadn’t had a sub in many years, almost a decade
. The thought giving her a shudder, she moved toward the window, staring out at the afternoon sky.

Palming the glass, she slumped
against the window frame
as a tremor of fear skated down her spine. This was the perfect relationship for her and one she’d on
ly come t
o understand and appreciate
recently. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. Hissing, she took a gulp of her wine and closed her eyes. The absolute truth was that she had thought about entering into
a D/s situation on more than on
e occasion, even going so far as to do hours, days wo
rth of research on the Internet and she couldn’t deny she
was
utterly and completely terrified.
You want to submit. You crave everything about the lifestyle and the man.
Granted, the words were very true and she continued to repeat them over and over to herself like a mantra
– and she had several she’d practiced time and time again
.

Laughing, Jessie licked her lips as her heart raced. How many nights had she lain awake doing nothing but thinking about this? How many times had she opened her mouth simply to say the words out loud and couldn’t do it?
“You’re terrified. Admit it.” Yes, she was.
Trust.
That was part of the reason and she couldn’t deny she’d never met a man she could trust
,
not only with her brutal admittance but also with the concept of turning over every aspect of her normal, daily routine to. After all
,
her previous boyfriends
and fiancés
were not only fairly conservative with regard to their life both in and out of the bedroom, but they would have thought she was a complete freak if she ever told them
about
her desires.

Yes, I long to be your submissive and to have you own me, tell me what to do and
I want to
be required to follow rules. I want to be collared and disciplined as necessary. I crave being your submissive sexually
and in our everyday life
,
allowing you anything and everything you want.
Sighing, just thinking the words gave her chills. This wasn’t the kind of admission you told anyone. Period. And she hadn’t
,
realizing her friends and family would think she was out of her mind. Then she met Luke and suddenly everything seemed possible.

Nibbling her bottom lip, Jessie had finally figured out her longing began in her early twenties
,
but back then she had no idea what she thought she wanted nor was the concept of entering into a D/s relationship even talked about
in society very much
.
It was an ugly, dark
and very
secretive desire – if people really had them.
Jesus Christ, the thought of a man taking control of her life would have been
scandalous
fader to the point her girlfriends at the time would have had her committed. And so Jessie followed the path of least resistance, entering into very vanilla relationships time and time again. That is after a bad girl period in which one too many dangerous men had taken her on a path of near destruction. Shuddering, she could see how ridiculous her
risky
behavior had been but at the time she thought she was having fun, not soul searching for some perfect mate.

Then she’d given up completely
on finding the right “him”
.
I
nstead, a guy she could care
about and call a friend
became her goal.
Somehow the notion
seemed so much better than fighting reality and the way everybody just grew up, or grew into a set pattern of life. Now Jessie wanted so much more. Thank God she’d met Luke. Still, she was apprehensive of how he would react
as she continued to learn and explore
. “Stop it!” No, she knew Luke cared about her tremendously and she’d often told him she trusted him implicitly. And she did. The thought gave her a warm feeling sweeping through her body.

As she lifted her glass, she realized her hand was shaking. Jessie couldn’t get her first meeting with Luke out of her mind.
She’d been with a group of girlfriends at her favorite club and there was something so enigmatic about him when he
’d
walked in
,
she was left breathless.
There wasn’t a man or woman in the darkened club who hadn’t known how powerful his prowess was, yet he carried himself in a distinguished fashion, observing the crowd with a slight smile on his face.
Instantly attracted to him, she’d made no bones about the fact she’d love to meet the stunning black man. What had surprised her was the way
a few of her
friend
s had
admonished her choice, reminding her interracial relationships were still difficult at best.
Simply the single thought at the time had filled her with rage. What century were they in? Oh boy and what about the
other
?
Her darker cravings?
Shaking her head, Jessie laughed. Just what would the girls say if they knew she was considering entering into a D/s lifestyle with him?

Was she? “Fuck.” Moving away from the window, she grabbed the open bottle of cabernet, filling her glass as she thought about everything she and Luke had been talking about over the last weeks. There was something so powerful about his presence and the way he
had almost instantly realized she was interested in something more than just a traditional relationship. Stopping short, she honestly couldn’t remember the first time they’d discussed the concept.
Hmm… no, she remembered.
The event had been a turning point.
What she knew about his every day life she was more than impressed with.
The other was simply icing.

Luke was a Senior Vice President for a financial advising firm and was well respected as a public speaker. He had children from a previous marriage and one where his ex never knew about his particular desires and needs. Smiling, she thought about the first time they’d kissed after their third date and suddenly everything seemed to change.
They’d both grown very hungry.
She was completely drawn to his brawn, his intellectual ways and his quiet demeanor.

Pacing the kitchen, Jessie continued to ask herself when and why she wanted to commit to him so fully, completely. In truth Luke was insistent she think about her reasons and try to clearly identify to him what and why. For some reason she was having difficulty figuring out how to put a coherent paragraph together. Only recently he’d asked her to keep a journal of her thoughts, her questions and after two weeks she continued to find the process almost too telling
but she knew absolutely necessary. This was her journey but then again one for them both and they needed to be certain
.

Biting her lip, she took another gulp of wine and swayed back and forth
to the music. Luke had told her very limited information
about his discovery he was a Dom, from the first thoughts to learning about the lifestyle including aspects of Head of Household.
Jessie continued to ask him questions and while he would answer her,
the comments were vague. Luke told her flatly
he didn’t want to cloud her deci
sions in any way. Of course his words
made sense but she was the kind of girl who needed to know everything. Having him
in charge of every aspect of her life was certainly daunting, there was no doubt abou
t it but the truth was, the understanding of what she, what they were considering together was extremely
appealing to
her. Jessie had to laugh as she thought about the nights she’d spent on the computer searching for every scrap of information about becoming a good sub.

There were many sites she’d gone to for research and realized just how man
y
Dom’s there seemed to be. Luke
called them Dom wannabe’s and
had cautioned her about garnering certain information
,
making certain she understood there were true sadists out there who craved inflicting pain, almost torture.
No matter what caveats he’d placed
on her knew found
knowledge,
Jessie believed more and more everyday she longed to be a good sub.