Off Kilter (13 page)

That should have been enough. He’d known she wasn’t personally invested when the kiss began, that it was purely an animalistic response to the sexual tension screaming between them.

They were breathing heavily. She tried to grab his face, move his mouth back to hers. Still mindless, just wanting the escape. He understood that. It was tempting.

“Tessa,” he said against her mouth.

“Roan, please, just—”

“I could,” he said. “It would be easy.”

“Easy is good,” she said, her breath coming in gasps. “Easy is perfect.”

“Easy is cheap,” he responded, and she pulled back as if he’d slapped her.

He took her face in his hands. “I wasnae saying you were. The opposite, Tessa. You’re worth so much more than just this.”

“You have no idea what I’m worth,” she said quite heatedly. “Maybe this is all I’m capable of. If you can’t handle that, then we should stop this right now.”

Roan stroked his fingers gently over her cheeks. She didn’t smack them away. He considered that a small victory. “I think you’re capable of anything. Everything. Maybe you only want that much. Because it’s safe.”

“Or because it’s all I can handle,” she said, and there was a thread of something other then defensiveness in her tone. One that he picked up only because he saw the flicker of fear in her eyes.

“Have you reached for more?” he asked, keeping his hands on her. She was still entwined between his thighs.

“Have you?” she challenged.

“Fair question. I want to. I want it all. It’s only been for lack of having someone to reach for.”

“Kira’s not worth reaching for?”

“The lack of having the
right
someone to reach for,” he amended. “I don’t know what stopped me from reaching for Kira. I didn’t stop with you. I couldn’t. That’s the difference.”

“What makes you think it’s been any different for me? I’m not stuck on an island, but I’m stuck in a life cycle that’s not exactly conducive to long-term anything.”

“Was there someone—anyone—you would have reached for, if things had been different?”

“Things weren’t different. Whatever might have been for me was so long ago I’ve forgotten it. That was another life. A life before the one I’m leading now. I’m not mourning the loss, trust me.”

He set her back just enough so he could see her entire face. “And now this life is changing, too. Isn’t it?”

“I don’t know what my life is anymore.”

He could see as well as hear the stark, almost bald honesty in that statement.

“Whatever this is,” she said, jerking his hips against hers, “one thing it isn’t, one thing it can’t be, is anything more than this.”

“And that’s enough for you?”

She laughed, but there was no humor in it. “It’s more than I’ve had in a while. A long while.”

He was fairly sure she’d meant to toss that off as a little verbal swat, intending to put him squarely in his place. Provider of cheap thrills. What she might not have realized was that her sharp mouth was saying one thing, but the yearning in her eyes was saying something else entirely.

“Do you truly believe that?” he asked.

“That this is more than I’ve had in a while? Oh, that is pretty
much fact. For the past nine months, sex has been the last thing on my mind. Probably for some time before that, too. It shouldn’t be on my mind now. But you make that kind of difficult to remember.” She was trying to tease him, taunt him out of his probing questions.

His body surged to a more painfully erect state with her all but grinding against his hips. A large—and getting larger—part of him was more than willing to say bugger it and take what she was so willingly offering. It had been a long while for him, too, and he had a pretty good idea that Tessa could quite easily eclipse anything in recent or long-term memory. Hell, she already had. Just the taste of her was downright intoxicating.

But some other part of him refused to give up the fight. He couldn’t have said what the bloody hell he thought he was fighting for. The situation had zero chance for improvement beyond the moment. He should take the fun and be thankful for the dalliance.

“That’s no’ what I meant,” he said instead, stilling her questing fingers, then twisting so he had her pinned against the lorry, stilling her hips along with the rest of her.

“Let me go.”

“Not yet.”

“Roan—”

“Tessa,” he shot back, feeling a tweak of anger himself. “I don’t know what I want from you. But what I want—from anyone—is more than being a convenient piece, and more than a quick toss.”

“Aww, you’re more than a pretty face, is that it?”

“Stop it,” he demanded.

“Stop what? Telling you the truth as I see it? I don’t know what fairy-tale world you live in, but my world is as far removed from make-believe as it comes. So you’ll have to forgive me. I can’t spin some lovely story for myself to make this all okay. I know exactly what I’m getting into here. Your pants. And you into mine. That’s it. It can’t be anything more. What is so hard to understand? And what man on the planet doesn’t
say, ‘thank God’ and take what I’m offering? It sure as hell is the best deal you’ll ever get.”

“This man,” he said, every bit as intensely fired up as she was. “This man doesn’t take a side dish when the main course could be everything he’s ever wanted.”

He felt her entire body tense under his. Her eyes flared. Her mouth parted. There was yearning in all of it. Just a flash of it. But so deep, so clear. Then she got a grip. A shield dropped over her expression, as impenetrable as if she’d put up a wall between them. “You don’t know what you want. Not if you’re considering tangling yourself up with me. I’m a disaster, Roan. There would never have been a good time for us to cross paths, but this is the absolute worst.”

“I don’t think so.”

“You don’t know anything.”

He took her face in his palms and had to stifle the urge to shake her. He was angry and confused, and never more serious in his life. He had no earthly idea why. But it felt monumental to him, in that moment, to make her understand. “I know I want to know you. The good, the bad, the ugly. I want you in bed, I want you right here, I want you every last place I can have you. Then I’ll very likely want to start all over again and see if we can improve on the first round.”

Instead of making her shore up her defenses further, his heated declaration caused the wall to crack. Her pupils had gone wide, and the irises were vibrant, captivating pools of teal. Like liquid flame. He’d never wanted to leap into a fire more.

“But that’s not all I want, Tessa. That’s not all I’d accept. There’s something here. And it isn’t just about sex. If that was all it was, we’d have been on each other within five minutes of saying hello. Instead, we’ve been trying our damnedest to avoid each other. There’s a reason for that.”

“It’s called sanity. But I’m pretty sure my grip on that is tenuous at best, so you’ll have to forgive me if I’ve made some less than sensible decisions in the past twenty minutes.”

“Stop it, Tessa. I told you, you don’t scare me.”

“Then you’re too dumb for me. Certainly too dumb for your own good. I’m trying to warn you here, don’t you get it?”

“Why? Why are you so damned invested in making sure I know what I’m gettin’ into? Why not just tell me what I want to hear, take what I’m offering, and the hell with what I’m feeling? If I dinnae matter to ye, if I canno’ matter, if this is just about getting our respective rocks off, then who the hell cares if I know the first or last thing about you?” He pinned her more tightly with his body when she began to squirm. “It’s uncomfortable, having to face that it matters. That I could matter. That anyone could matter. Maybe it’s you who should be afraid of me. I think you
are
afraid of me.”

“In your dreams.”

“This is no dream.”

She laughed. Harshly. “No, it’s a nightmare.”

“No,” he said, and pushed his face right up into hers. “It’s reality. It’s your reality. Your new reality. So you’d better get used to it.”

“To what?” she shot back, but he could see the cracks in her control starting to fissure.

“To me,” he said gently, his fury spent, leaving only the core of the new, raw, and very disconcerting feelings he felt for her. “I’m not letting you run and I’m not letting you hide.”

“I don’t want you.”

“You’re not exactly pushing me away. Or haven’t you noticed?”

Her legs were wrapped tightly around his and her arms were twined so tightly around his neck, he thought it might cramp. He touched his forehead to hers. “What’s in your head is pushing me off, but the rest of you is hanging on. Tightly. So … hang on to me, Tessa. Just … hang on.” Then he leaned in and kissed her, softly, gently, on the lips.

Her moan was one of almost pain. It made something inside his heart break, but he kept kissing her, the sides of her mouth, her cheeks, her jaw, softly, sweetly, as gently as he knew how.
“You can, you know,” he said. “I’m no’ going anywhere.” He kissed the side of her jaw, then the other side. “All you have to do … is hang on.” Then he kissed her mouth again, and kept his there, gentle, but with intent.

The fissuring turned into a swift shattering. She shook against him, and he thought she might be crying, but he kissed her cheeks to find them dry.

He didn’t know if it was fear, anger, or something far worse making her shake … but he didn’t let go. And she didn’t struggle to get down. So he kissed her again. And again. A sweet, tender assault he didn’t even know he had in him. “Open for me,” he said against her lips. “Tessa …”

Her lips trembled, her jaw jerked, her knees were pressed so tightly against his sides, he thought they’d leave marks on his hips. He didn’t pull away, didn’t dare, just kept kissing her. Slowly, purely.

And … she stopped fighting him. Her nails dug into his back as she let him kiss her more deeply. She didn’t try to take over, she just accepted him. When he finally lifted his head, and she opened her eyes, he knew he’d taken on the most important challenge of his life. He’d spent his adult years feeling the acute pressure of keeping his island’s economy thriving, and it had been an all-consuming, stress inducing, gratifying mission. But it felt like child’s play compared to the pressure he felt looking into her eyes, to not let her down.

She was right. He had absolutely no idea what he was signing on for. No idea whatsoever, what trying to engage in her world, her life, her mind … her heart … would do to him. Or for him. Or, worse, what it might do to her. The last thing he wanted was to hurt her.

Yet, he’d never felt so certain that he was meant to be doing exactly what he was doing.

And that was all he needed to know.

“Don’t let go,” he told her, knowing that much was imperative. “As long as you hang on, I have you. Do you understand?” he asked, knowing she couldn’t possibly, because he
didn’t. But he knew it was a vow he would keep. “I have you. Somebody has you.”

“I don’t know that I can,” she said, her voice a rough, shaky rasp. “I don’t think I know how, Roan. Even if I wanted to. I take care of me.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to stop. But you don’t have to do it alone.”

“You have no business doing it for me.”

“With you.”

“Doesn’t matter, Roan. We—”

“We, Tessa. That’s what you have to wrap your head around.”

She shook her head. “I don’t know that I can do that, either.” She looked him square in the eye. “I don’t know that I want to.”

“Yer still holdin’ on to me. And we’re talking. And the world hasn’t stopped spinning. Bad things aren’t happening.”

“You don’t know anything yet.”

“But I will.”

“And then what? What if you can’t handle it? I don’t want to share, I don’t want help, I don’t want anyone standing up for me. I can’t count on that, no matter what you say, I can’t. Don’t you understand?”

“More than you could possibly know. I’ve stood on my own my whole life. But it was only when I became an adult that I realized I could only stand on my own because I had a foundation of love and support under me. And behind me. We don’t do anything alone, Tessa.”

“I do.”

“Not anymore.”

“Big words.”

“Big desire.”

“You could have had me. The easy part of me. Why not just accept that and leave the rest of me be?”

“I already told you. You’re more than that. And that’s what compels me. No’ just the sex. You’re so much more. And I’d like to think I am, too.”

“Doesn’t mean we can be more to each other.”

“Doesn’t mean we can’t.”

“God, you’re stubborn.”

He smiled. “I’ll take that as a personal endorsement from someone who would know.”

“Why is it you’re charming with everyone else, and such a hard-ass with me?”

“I have no earthly idea. Maybe that’s what you need.”

“And what do you need? Surely not someone like me. Kira would have been the perfect—”

“Safe bet. And I told you, if I’d really wanted that, I’d have done something about it. Maybe I was waiting for you, for something like this. Something I couldn’t ignore. Something that makes it impossible to wait. I just didn’t know it.”

“What gave it away?” she said dryly. “My sparkling personality, or my easygoing, approachable demeanor?”

She probably didn’t even realize it, but he was acutely aware of it. Her hold on him had relaxed, her fingers were toying with the hair on the back of his neck. She was nestled around him, against him, as if it were the most natural, comfortable place to be. Held by him, all but sheltered by him. He thought it felt about as right as anything he’d ever experienced.

“I know. Everything you’re saying makes perfect sense,” he said.

“And yet, you’re going to stand by me anyway?” Her smile was wry. “Gee, thanks.”

“We’re … this,” he said, and pulled her more snugly up against him, making her realize how trusting she’d already become. She had to hold on more tightly to him as he swung them around. “We spar, we challenge, we strike sparks. We get at the truth of each other in ways no one else bothers to do. Maybe because we’re so different. I don’t know. I think, at the core, maybe it’s because we’re very much the same. All I know,” he said, as he slowly disengaged her legs from around his waist and let her slide to stand inside the circle of his arms, “is that this is the most challenging, and the most natural spot I’ve ever
found myself standing in. And I’m betting you’d say the same, if you let yourself be honest. We’re comfortable in each other’s space, the way we couldn’t be, unless—”