Odd Girl Out (49 page)

Imagine witnessing an act of aggression you have seen several times before—say, a nasty remark or one student shoving another. What would you do? Most likely, you would follow a set of steps you have grown accustomed to in similar situations. Perhaps you would stop the behavior, make sure the student is okay, send the offending student to the assistant principal, and so on.

To respond to visible alternative aggressions, I recommend educators adopt some combination of these steps:

1.
Stop the behavior and ensure the target is safe.
As I have said elsewhere in this book, some of the most aggressive girls are downright angelic around adults. When confronted, many girls (and plenty of boys) will revert to denial, or the claim they were "just kidding." The Olweus program advises staff to avoid giving students an opportunity to reject their interpretation of events. Instead of asking, "What are you doing?" or "What did you just say?" don't hesitate: "I saw what you were doing and that is unacceptable behavior at this school." If girls reply that it was a joke—even if the target seems to agree—hold your ground: "It doesn't matter how you meant it. What you said is not okay."

2.
Define the violation.
When it comes to alternative aggressions, you may need to explain why the behavior is considered wrong in the first place. For example, some students may not understand that threatening not to be someone's friend, or convincing others not to sit with a peer, is a form of aggression. It can be useful to compare the behavior to one they already take seriously. "When you roll your eyes at her every time she raises her hand, it's hurtful. It's like calling her a mean name."

When dealing with a group of girls, do not talk to them together. Instead, speak to each one in quick succession,
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and do not allow the girls to congregate outside an office while they wait (otherwise, they may "get their stories straight").

3.
Outline the consequences, if any;
OR
refer the student to a disciplinary official.
Every situation is different, so consequences will vary depending on the circumstances. In addition, consequences do not always have to be punitive. Students can be asked to complete written reflection assignments that ask them to explain their action, its impact, and their feelings about their behavior. Alternatively, you can ask students to write a letter of apology to the target. The point is to not let the behavior go. Students should know that aggression comes at a cost.

Since so much of girls' aggression occurs without detection, denial of bad behavior is rampant. Yet a she-said, she-said situation does not necessarily mean you have to back down. Let's say a student has been implicated in using a nasty code name to describe another girl. There is no proof, yet you feel pretty sure it happened. You can tell the student you are not blaming her but still weigh in on the behavior itself: "Using a code name to talk about someone is really hurtful, and it's the kind of thing we don't tolerate at this school. Can you imagine how embarrassed and put down that girl would feel if she found out?"

Then, you can talk about the "hypothetical" consequences for engaging in the behavior, in the event someone is caught doing it: "I just want you to know that if someone did do that, and I found out, that person would definitely get a detention and phone call home."

New Jersey school counselor Kim Kaminski asks a clever question when a girl denies wrongdoing or seems to withhold incriminating information: "When I ask the other person about this, what do you think she's going to say?" The question, Kaminski says, can have a fairly magical effect on quiet or stubborn girls.

If educators are uncertain about the limits of their permission to intervene, they should be advised to ask the administrator responsible for discipline. Students can read the hesitation of staff. Adolescent girls are exquisitely gifted at talking their way out of trouble, and staff may back down as a result. Educators' confidence will increase with the knowledge that they are fully authorized to step in.

4.
Communicate expectations for future positive behavior.
Discipline is rarely effective when its recipient is left feeling hopeless or shamed. It is always important to give a student an opportunity to redeem herself. This can be done by emphasizing a student's prior displays of good character, or by suggesting a specific action the student can take to correct the impression that has been left by her negative behavior.

This moment has the potential to become the point where a girl is told to "be nice" to the other girl. Better, instead, to emphasize the need for respect. "Nice" is a loaded word for girls. For adults, "nice" means polite and respectful. To girls, "nice" means being friends with that person. This is usually not feasible (or fair). Moreover, it is in part the pressure girls get to be "nice" that drives their behavior underground in the first place. This is an opportunity to talk with a girl about what respect means and looks like in practice. Girls do not have to be friends with every student, but they do owe their peers respect.

5. Report or record the incident.
Research shows that when educators report bullying incidents, the situation is more likely to be addressed. If you are not already mandated by law to do so, require staff to report aggressive incidents to the school counselor or assistant principal. It is vitally important for incidents of bullying and aggression to be flagged and moved to the top of an administrator's list. If too much time passes between a report and an intervention, it may be too late to make an impact.

Each week a summary incident report can be circulated in writing to staff or reviewed in a staff meeting. Reports do not always have to lead to action; they can also serve as an information-sharing device that activates support for a struggling student. For example, if an art teacher reads a report that one of her students is being bullied, she may reach out to the student, take care to recognize her work, or offer to let her collaborate on a special project.

Every staff or team meeting should make time to review "red flag" or struggling students. This evaluation needs to cover both bullies and targets. When more educators are aware of who needs help, they can work together and provide the necessary support or discipline.

Train the entire school staff.
All individuals employed by a school, whether they work in the cafeteria, drive a bus, or clean the building, should be trained to understand what bullying looks like and what to do when they see it. Most bullying and aggression occurs in places with the least adult supervision, which is everywhere a teacher may
not
be. This includes bathrooms, carpool lanes, cafeterias, buses, and hallways. Making a school safe is an effort that must be undertaken by every adult in the community.

Make sure students know the rules.
Every student at your school should know what bullying is, what to do when bullying is observed, and what the consequences are for engaging in it. The rules should be conveyed in the context of discussions, suggested later in the chapter, or accompany other learning experiences such as school assemblies. Making rules or exercising authority "because we say so" never goes very far with kids. They need to understand why the rules exist and have an opportunity to reflect on how they pertain to their own wellness and safety.

Separate the roles of counselor and disciplinarian.
School counselors and clinicians working at a school cannot be tasked with both counseling students and taking disciplinary action against them. Unfortunately, in understaffed schools, this is precisely what happens. Students need to feel safe approaching a counselor, without worry that disclosures will lead to punishment. Asking a counselor to play both roles puts him in a compromised position and makes his student support services highly conditional. Under such terms, students are far less inclined to visit a counselor and get the help they need before a situation worsens.

Take social-emotional learning (SEL) seriously.
The core skills of SEL include "recognizing and managing our emotions, developing caring and concern for others, establishing positive relationships, making responsible decisions, and handling challenging situations constructively and ethically. They are the skills that allow children to calm themselves when angry, make friends, resolve conflicts respectfully, and make ethical and safe choices." Some SEL-focused activities might include exercises where students practice identifying emotions, explore what it means to be a good or true friend, and devise strategies for telling a bully to back down.
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SEL is not about only classes or skills. It also refers to the core values and priorities of a school. When administrators take a social-emotional approach to their leadership, safety becomes a priority that is embedded in the operation and culture of the school. These school leaders do not just assign lunch periods randomly, but purposefully create lunch periods and seating arrangements that separate targets from aggressors. They oversee school counselors who place vulnerable students in nurturing teachers' classrooms. They separate the students who create more trouble when they are paired. Emotional safety is seen as a way of life, not an afterthought; steps are consistently preventative and do not come only in response to crisis.

With its evidence-based success, the SEL field is finally gaining the widespread credibility it deserves. A host of studies find that a child's SEL is directly linked to her academic and social success. Despite these findings, there is often little time available during the school day devoted to SEL. As I wrote in chapter ten, relationships are the fourth "R." The skills for safe and ethical relationships must be taught, not assumed. When students have the tools to manage their feelings and relationships, and make ethical choices, they are less likely to be involved in bullying.

Provide guidance to parents and staff about how to communicate.
Bullying episodes have a lifespan; that is, the actual incident is only the beginning of a longer process. As administrators and parents become involved, the need for protocol and clear expectations about behavior does not evaporate. If anything, having a system in place becomes more important than ever. Parameters on the school-parent relationship hold all players to a standard of behavior that can be easily left behind when emotions become intense. In 2010 "vigilante parents" was a popular term, as sure a sign as any of the need for boundaries between educators and parents.

Schools can stipulate how parents should communicate with the school and, in turn, how the school will respond. One independent school introduced a "parent covenant" that parents must sign each year in order for their children to attend. The document points out that "we enroll families, not just students" and explains the "reasonable expectations we have of each other" in working as partners to fulfill the school's mission. Among the promises parents make to this school are to:

• Respect the school's responsibility to do what is best for the entire community, while recognizing the needs of the individual child...
  
• Seek to resolve problems and secure information through appropriate channels which are teacher/advisor and then if further discussion is needed, with the Assistant Headmaster and/or Headmaster...
  
• Model and exercise respect, honesty, and a professional attitude, in the face of the inevitable differing points of view and challenges with staff, faculty, administration, and other parents within the community.
  

The covenant further asks that parents behave in a way that reflects the school's character goals both on and off campus.

At every school, it should be standard for staff to be permitted twenty-four hours to respond to a parent's message. Parents should also be encouraged to make formal appointments with educators to discuss a problem, so that staff can be optimally prepared to respond.

Educators need to know their senior administrators are available for support when communication with a parent becomes challenging, and that it is not a failure on a teacher's part to need or ask for help. Meanwhile, at parent meetings, an administrator should never question or undermine a teacher publicly. This embarrasses the teacher, challenges her authority, and gives the appearance of incoherent school leadership. Finally, educators need scripts to respond to difficult parents and clear instruction about the boundaries they can set with parents. Do not assume a teacher knows she is permitted to set limits with parents, or even that she knows how.

 

classroom strategies

Of the many joys of teaching, one has always stood out to me: the privilege of presiding over a community that travels together, for better or for worse, for an entire academic year. This journey is never just intellectual. Classrooms are tight-knit groups with powerful social dynamics, and the social-emotional vibe of a class can make or break a student's learning potential. Classrooms can be dangerous places where only a few are safe, or nurturing environments where every member feels recognized. In the next section, I share strategies classroom teachers can use to foster connectedness and care among students and their families.

Set a positive tone from the beginning.
Take time to e-mail or call to introduce yourself to your parents at the beginning of the year. Develop a parent-teacher relationship where parents see you as an individual who teaches their child, rather than the person who calls only when their child has or is a problem. Making a few minutes of small talk or noticing something positive about a student is money in the bank: when it's time to have a tough conversation, you'll have some equity in the relationship.

Create a class contract.
At the beginning of the year, spend time with your students developing a class contract that outlines how they want to be treated in your classroom, by both you and each other. Contracts remind students of the important role they play in the smaller classroom community. The rules affirm that each of them is a member of a group, and each has an important responsibility to fulfill.