October Joy (Moments In Paradise 1) (23 page)

But tonight he wasn’t sad.  He was giddy.  He was laughing.  And he was happy.  Sarah was making him happy.  And for that, Grace loved her already.

Chapter Twenty-two

Andrew took everyone to a late dinner in Santa Cruz before they headed back to the house.  After their walk on the beach, Andrew understood Sarah’s heart better, and he began to realize how much it had been trampled and abused over the years in ministry.  She didn’t feel Levi had taken advantage of her in that way, but he hadn’t protected her from others doing it, and because of her silence on the subject much of the time, he probably had no idea how much she was hurting.

When they got home Andrew sent her upstairs to take a warm bath in the large tub in the master bathroom, and then he called Donna from his study to let her know Sarah wouldn’t be joining her for lunch tomorrow.

“Please don’t take it personally, Don,” he said.  “She’s not ready yet, and she didn’t have the heart to tell you.  I don’t think the word ‘no’ is in her vocabulary.”

“That’s fine, Andrew,” she said.  “Please let her know I understand and my only intention was to make her feel welcome here.”

“I will.”

“And let her know I’m here for anything, anytime.  If she needs to talk or whatever, the invitation is always open.  How long is she going to be staying?”

“I don’t know.  She’s here today, and I hope she’s here for a lot of tomorrows, but I’m leaving that up to her.”

“I’m hoping for a lot of tomorrows too, Andrew.  I’m sure she’s very special to have gotten your attention.”

“Oh, she is.  I just need to convince her of that.  Pray for her.  She’s very fragile.  I’m not sure I did the right thing by exposing our relationship this morning, but I couldn’t help it.”

“I’m sure she’ll be fine in your protective wings.  Anni always was.  She used to tell me that.”

“Did she?”

“Yes.”

“That’s good to know because I think Sarah might need it even more than Annika did.”

He remained in his study after letting Donna go, getting a couple of things done so he wouldn’t have to do them tomorrow.  He was planning on greatly modifying his schedule this week to spend as much time with Sarah as possible.

Going upstairs later to check on her, he found her sitting on the bed doing her Bible study.  He went to sit beside her and said he had called Donna, and he passed along Donna’s words.

“Thank you,” she said, appearing ashamed he’d had to do that for her.

“It’s fine, sweetheart.  We both understand.  And personally I’m glad, because now I can have lunch with you instead.”

She smiled.

Running his fingers into the hair along her neck, he kissed her.  There was something about her needing him that only increased his love and desire.  He loved her.  He loved her so much.  And he wanted to show her that.

“Will you come downstairs when you’re finished with this?” he asked, pointing to the book on her lap.  “I want some more time with you tonight, but I can’t stay in here to do that.”

“I’m almost done.”

“No hurry,” he said.  “You take your time and then come find me.  I’ll be awake.”

***

Sarah watched Andrew leave and close the door behind him.  Sitting there for a moment, she thought about something she had read right before Andrew came into the room.  The lesson today was focused on the different altars the people of Genesis built to signify a special way they had been led by God, seen Him provide, or to acknowledge a promise He made.

She had a sudden urge to build some kind of altar to say to God, ‘I see You in this.  I know this is from You.  You have led me here, and I will trust You to keep leading me.’

The only rock she had close by was the one on her finger: the wedding ring with a single diamond Levi had given to her on their wedding day.  She had been wondering when would be the right time to take it off.  How soon was too soon?  How long was too long?  Andrew had said it was for her to decide, no one else, and she knew he was right.  He was still wearing his ring from Annika, so she didn’t feel any pressure to remove hers for him.

But now that she was here and Andrew had left no room for doubt he wanted her to be his wife, she felt she needed to make a choice before she went any further.  She needed to decide if she wanted to be here, and if she did, then she needed to look to the future and let go of the past.  Levi wasn’t coming back.

But removing her ring wasn’t just about putting the past behind and giving her heart to Andrew.  It was about God.  He had taken Levi from her but had brought Andrew into her life.  Did she have the faith to believe He could take such a huge loss and use it to bless her?  Not just go on and survive, but to pour out even more blessings on her?  That she had another lifetime to be lived in a new place, with new people, and new circumstances, and new lessons to be learned?  A lifetime where she could truly know Him as her God and believe in His all-consuming, sufficient love like never before?

She thought back one week when she had been doing her final packing for her trip to Iowa.  She’d had no clue why she was going, but God’s leading had been unmistakable.  At the time she thought it was about being brave and strong and proving to herself and others she could go on without Levi.  Like God was saying, ‘You’ve been too dependent on Levi, Sarah.  Now it’s time to trust Me.’ But it hadn’t been a comforting Voice of provision and protection, it had been a convicting voice of duty and guilt.

“That wasn’t your voice, God,” she whispered.  “You wanted me to go because you wanted to bless me.  You wanted to show me that before you ever took Levi, you had someone else waiting to take his place.  And not just anybody, but Andrew.”

She broke into tears and removed the ring from her finger.  Praying within her thankful and overwhelmed heart, she released herself into God’s love for her, fully trusting Him to take her on from here.  To show her the new path He had for her.  A path with Andrew at her side.  A path where she would encounter her God like never before.

Sarah held on to the ring as she finished the lesson, and she felt ready for whatever God had for her until she read the next portion of the author’s comments:

If you have felt the need to make some kind of altar before God right now and have done so, please be forewarned that altar-building is often followed by times of testing, sin, conflict, or suffering.  The enemy does not like altar-builders, and he will do whatever he can to undermine your faith and trust in God.

“Oh, great.  Now you tell me.”

But, take heart, sister.  God will honor you for trusting Him in this moment, and anything you encounter through the enemy’s attempt to remove your faith can actually increase it all the more.  ‘Be self-controlled and alert.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith...And the God of all grace will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.’ (1 Peter 5:8-10)

Sarah was tempted to put the ring back on before anyone saw her without it, but she knew she had to do this.  This was her altar: her statement of faith in the Faithful One, and she believed any hardship that came in the coming days would be worth it.  At the end of the lesson was the question,
What do you hear Jesus saying to you today?,
and she wrote out the simple phrases she heard.

Trust Me, Sarah.  No matter what happens, trust Me.

Putting her Bible and study book on the nightstand, she took the ring with her and put it in a safe place in one of her bags and then she went to find Andrew.  She could hear the television on in the family room down the hall, but she checked the front room first, and he was there alone.  His small office was off of this room, and he was reading, but she knew he didn’t consider her presence an interruption.

She sat down beside him, leaned into his side, and laid her arm across his waist.  Her left hand was resting between them, and he couldn’t see it.  She wanted to explain before she showed him her bare finger.

“Thanks for coming down,” he said, holding her close to him.

“Thank you for inviting me.”

“You never need an invitation.”

“I know.  But it’s nice to be asked.”

They were both silent for a moment, and then she spoke again.

“I need to tell you something.”

“What?”

“Have you ever made an altar before God?”

“Literally or figuratively?”

“Either.”

“I’ve never gotten rocks out and actually built something, but I’ve done so in my heart and then surrendered something to God.  Is that what you mean?”

“Yes,” she said.

“Why do you ask?”

“Because I did that tonight.”

“About what?”

She lifted her head from his shoulder and looked at him.  “I feel like I have to believe at this point you’re going to take care of me and God wants us to be together.  If I don’t believe that, I shouldn’t be here.”

“Do you believe that?”

“Yes.”

“So, is there a big pile of rocks in my bedroom?”

“No,” she laughed.  “But I did something to signify I will remain here until I clearly hear God telling me to go home.  I won’t leave because it’s hard, or not everything I want it to be, or I’m feeling lonely or confused.  Only if God says, ‘Go home, Sarah.  This isn’t where I want you.”

“What did you do?”

“Before I tell you, I want you to know I don’t expect you to do the same.  I did it as something between God and me, not you and me, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I took off my ring.”

He didn’t say anything.

“I didn’t do it because I expect you--”

“You said that already.”

When he didn’t say anything else, she felt defeated.  Like so many times when she had an idea and was excited to share it with others, but they didn’t react in the way she hoped.  They pointed out all the flaws, or immediately tried to modify it with their own better ideas, or simply rejected it altogether.

She started to regret her decision, wondering if she had been pledging her faith or had an emotional moment when she did something rash.  Suddenly feeling alone but too numb to cry, she sat up fully and asked him something she had been thinking about.  “What’s your schedule like tomorrow?”

“Huh?”

“Do you go into the office early like you did this morning?”

“No, I don’t go in until eight.  We have a staff meeting at nine and then I’ll probably come home after that.  Mondays are my thinking days, and I can do that better here than with other people interrupting me every ten minutes.”

“Levi was the opposite,” she said.  “He could never work at home.”

Andrew removed his arm from where it was wrapped around her back, and he moved away from her.  He had an expression on his face she couldn’t read.

“Let me see your hand,” he said, taking her fingers into his palm.  He stroked the spot where her ring had once been.  He didn’t say anything for a moment and neither did she.

“Oh, Sarah,” he sighed, kissing her fingers and pressing her hand against his cheek.  He moved closer and kissed her gently.  “You amaze me.  I love you so much.”

She realized Andrew was still thinking about what she had done and how much that meant to him.  He hadn’t been indifferent.  He was speechless.

“I love you too,” she whispered and let the tears fall.

He kissed her again, absolutely taking her breath away.  He was so gentle, so tender, so loving.  Just like Levi, but different.

“Will you marry me, Sarah?”

She knew he wanted an answer this time.  She said what she wanted to say.  It wasn’t hard.

“Yes, Andrew.  I will.”

He kissed her and didn’t stop for a long time.  She let herself enter another world and was lost in love when Andrew stopped and asked her something.  His voice was soft, but he seemed perplexed.

“Why are you so brave with me, Sarah?  You trust me.  You open up to me.  You fly with me to California after knowing me for six days and agree to marry me the next.  But you’re so fearful of others--women at the conference, women in your church, Donna today.  Why?”

She thought about that for a moment, realizing she had done the same with Levi, always trusting him and believing he loved her, but not with many others.  And she knew the answer to Andrew’s question, even though she hadn’t thought of it before.

“Women have hurt me, Andrew.  Not men.”

Chapter Twenty-three

Grace could hear someone crying, and she went to investigate.  She knew it must be Sarah.  Tabitha and James were sitting with her in the family room watching a movie, and no one else was here.  Approaching the front room quietly, she saw her dad and Sarah sitting on the couch together, and Sarah was weeping mournfully.

Grace didn’t consider herself to be a sympathetic person.  She preferred to cry alone and leave others alone when they were doing so, but something compelled her to step into the room and see if there was anything she could do.  When she stopped midway, her dad waved her over.  She sat on Sarah’s other side and let her know she was there by touching her arm, but she didn’t say anything.

“You’re safe here, Sarah,” her dad said.  She was still crying and seemed inconsolable, like her dad had mentioned her being in Iowa.  “You’re safe here with me.  With us.  I’ll take care of you.”

Her dad asked her to get some tissue and a glass of water, and Grace went to get them.  She met Tabitha in the hall, and Tabby asked what was going on.

“Sarah’s upset.”

“About what?”

“I don’t know.”

When she returned with the tissue and water, she set them on the coffee table and sat beside Tabby where she was now holding Sarah along with Dad.  Sarah’s mournful spirit reminded her of how she felt five years ago when she lost her mother, and she had to fight to keep from bursting into tears herself.