Obsession 3 (11 page)

“Damn, damn, damn,” Secret said as she scoured her living room looking for her car keys. She'd already overslept this morning and had to hurry up and get Dina over to her mother's so that she could make it to work by eleven o'clock. Dina had been cranky and restless last night. By the time Secret got her settled and to sleep, her alarm was going off. She thought she'd just hit the snooze button, but she'd actually turned the alarm off. She happened to roll over and see that the clock read ten-thirty. She had jumped out of the bed so quickly that she got a headache. Her heart was beating out of her chest as she'd stumbled to the bathroom.

She didn't even have time to change Dina out of her pajamas. She'd placed her outfit for the day in her diaper bag. Yolanda would just have to bathe her and get her cleaned up.

Secret looked up at the living room clock that read ten forty-five. She wanted to cry. It was only her second day of work. She could not be late, but it looked as though she would be. If she didn't find her keys in the next five minutes, she'd have to ask Yolanda to come to her house and give her a ride. Her mother was already keeping Dina for her; she hated to have to ask her to be a chauffeur as well. That might have been the breaking point for Yolanda and bring out the beast in her. Things were going well between them. Secret didn't want to push her luck.

“Yes!” Secret shouted upon finding her keys tucked in Dina's diaper bag. She must have accidentally placed them in there when throwing things haphazardly into the diaper bag.

She placed the diaper bag on her arm, grabbed her purse, then snatched up little Dina who had been watching her mommy run around the apartment like a chicken with her head cut off. “All right, baby girl, let's go.”

Secret did one last sweep of the room and then opened the front door. She gasped immediately at the figure standing on her doorstep.

“I heard you were looking for me.”

Secret didn't know whether to throw her arms around her best friend or slam the door in her face. She had mixed emotions for sure. But this was her best friend since the age of ten. She had to give her the benefit of the doubt. She'd heard Lucky's version of things. She owed it to Shawndiece to hear hers.

“Oh yeah, and where did you hear that from?” Secret asked.

“A mutual friend.”

“Friend, huh?” Secret said, raising an eyebrow.

“I wanted to talk.” Shawndiece lifted up a McDonald's bag. “I brought breakfast.” She looked at Secret's arm full of items. “But it looks like this isn't a good time.” She looked at Dina. “Oh, is that my li'l goddaughter? She is so beautiful.”

“I've been worried about you,” Secret told Shawndiece. “I didn't hear from you anymore after you visited me in jail.

“Yeah, well, I've been kind of busy.”

“So I hear.”

Shawndiece looked downward. “We need to talk. We have some catching up to do.”

“Definitely, but right now I have to get the baby to Yolanda's so I can make it to work.”

“Yolanda?” Shawndiece snapped her neck back. “As in your momma Yolanda?”

“The one and only,” Secret confirmed.

“So you two made up, huh?” Shawndiece had a smile on her face.

“Yes, and I guess I have you to thank for it. She said you gave her my address. She stopped by once she heard I was out.”

“Good for her. I didn't think she'd do it, especially since I called her a sorry excuse for a mother when I gave it to her.”

Secret laughed. “Why doesn't that surprise me?”

“You know me.”

“Yeah, I thought I did.” Secret's laughter stopped. “I have to go, but my break is at four. I'm working over at the grocery store on Fenton Road.” Secret thought for a minute. “On second thought, I'm probably going to have to work through my break since I'm going to be late. But I'm off at eight.”

“That works,” Shawndiece said. “I'll see you then.”

“Cool, see you then.” Secret stared at Shawndiece for a minute. The next thing she knew Shawndiece pulled her in for a hug. The two friends embraced. Both unknowingly closed their eyes to fight back tears. These two had a bond that ran deep. They'd been joined at the hip since day one of meeting one another. And even though at this very moment the two were so close, they felt so far apart. Something had changed, and at eight o'clock tonight, Secret hoped she'd find out just what it was.

 

“Secret, it's seven-thirty. You're good to go,” the store manager said to Secret as she rang up a customer's groceries.

Secret looked at the time on the register. “But I don't get off until eight.”

“According to the time clock you didn't take a break today.”

“I was a half hour late this morning, so I worked through my break.”

“You were scheduled to come in at noon. You clocked in at eleven-thirty. You're still over like a half hour.”

“Really?” Secret was confused as she continued to scan grocery items.

“Yeah, and you'll wanna watch that,” the manager warned. “You don't want to go over your forty-hour workweek. That will push you into overtime pay. That comes out of the store budget.”

“Yes, sir. I'm sorry,” Secret apologized.

“I'll send Ramona to come relieve you.”

“Thank you.” Secret apologized again.

A couple minutes later Secret was finished ringing up the customer and her coworker took over. Secret was about to leave but then realized that she was supposed to be meeting Shawndiece at the store at eight. She hadn't gotten Shawndiece's new cell phone number so she couldn't call her and tell her she wouldn't be there. Secret didn't know what she was thinking by not having Shawndiece meet her back at the house in the first place. Secret decided she would get a little grocery shopping in to kill time.

Secret strolled her cart through the aisles of the store picking up little odds and ends. She was comparing the price of a store brand box of cereal to that of a name brand when she heard someone say her name.

“Secret Miller. My star student.”

Secret turned to see a blond-haired older woman standing in the aisle behind a cart of her own.

“Mrs. Langston.” Secret was so surprised to see her high school guidance counselor, but apparently not as surprised as her guidance counselor according to the look of shock on her semi-wrinkled face.

“Secret? What are you doing here?” Mrs. Langston asked as she abandoned her cart and walked over to embrace Secret. “How are you doing?”

“I'm good, Mrs. Langston,” Secret replied. She put her head down. Such a rush of shame and embarrassment fell upon Secret and she began to fidget around with some items in her cart.

Thoughts of Mrs. Langston, one of the only other people to ever believe in her, about to watch Secret whip out her food stamp card made Secret feel bad. After all this woman had done to guide Secret down the road of success during her high school years, this was the way Secret repaid her for all of her time: by becoming a welfare, teenage, single mother. That was what the rest of the world had expected of Secret all along, but not Mrs. Langston. Never Mrs. Langston. But that's exactly what she'd become. Secret could barely look the woman in the face.

“How are you?” Secret figured she'd at least ask that and then get as far away from the woman as she could. “Are you still counseling over at the high school?”

“Yes, well no. Yes and no.” Mrs. Langston giggled. “I'm still counseling, but at a different high school. One in which I can see the fruit of my labor.” Mrs. Langston leaned in to whisper to Secret. “You know not all of your peers were like you, Secret. They'd be content with living in Flint for the rest of their lives doing nothing.” She pulled away and began to speak at a regular tone. “But you were different, so determined. That's why when I received a copy of that letter from the scholarship committee that you'd received the full ride, I wasn't even surprised. I was happy for you, yes, but not surprised at all. If anyone deserved that scholarship, it was . . .”

Mrs. Langston's lips were still moving, but Secret could not hear a word that was coming out of her mouth. Even when she had been able to interpret her high school counselor's words clearly, had she actually heard her correctly? Oblivious to the fact that she was interrupting Mrs. Langston going on and on about the different caliber in students from the ones at Secret's old high school to the one she worked at now, Secret spoke.

“You said the scholarship committee sent you a letter?” Secret asked.

“Well, uh, yes. They'd CCed me on the letter since I had submitted it on your behalf,” Mrs. Langston said, then moved right back to the subject matter Secret had ripped her from. “You know some of your classmates didn't even want to put forth the effort to fill out a scholarship application, but the kids I work with now, like yourself, are willing to do whatever it takes to get a higher education.”

Mrs. Langston followed Secret's stare into her cart where she'd been fiddling in the entire conversation. She suddenly snapped her finger. “Oh, shoot. I forgot milk. I'm so glad I just noticed it in your cart.” Mrs. Langston put her hand on Secret's shoulder. “It was so good bumping into you while you're back in town.” She pointed into Secret's cart. “Getting snacks for your dorm, eh?” She playfully elbowed Secret. “Beware of that freshman twenty, or whatever they call it.”

Secret knew what Mrs. Langston was referring to. There was a myth that when kids went off to college for that first year they gained fifteen pounds because of the poor eating habits they engaged in and the lack of healthy foods on the college campuses.

Mrs. Langston gave Secret the once-over. “Although it looks like you might already be five in the hole.” She winked. “But you still look fabulous.”

Secret looked down at herself realizing she was heavier since the last time Mrs. Langston had seen her. But she had a good reason and opened her mouth to tell her old high school counselor just that. “Oh, that's because I just had a . . .” Secret's words fell off. No way was she about to tell this woman she'd had a baby. She wasn't ashamed of Dina nor did she want to deny her, but she refused to be privy to the look of disappointment she knew would take over Mrs. Langston's face. “Never mind.” Secret shooed her hand. “I guess I am a little thicker.”

“Well, as long as you're feeding that brain that's all that matters.” She looked at Secret with such admiration in her eyes. “I'm so proud of you. You made it. You worked hard for four years for a free ride to college and did it.” Mrs. Langston's eyes began to water. “I know I can't take credit for it of course, but I'd like to think that my guidance had a little something to do with it.”

“It did, Mrs. Langston. It did.” It was harder now than ever for Secret to focus on the conversation with Mrs. Langston. She was still stuck on the fact that she'd said she'd received a letter from the scholarship committee granting her the scholarship to OSU. Mrs. Langston thought that Secret had made it. That she was off living the college life. She didn't want her to think any differently.

“I wish you nothing but the best in life, Secret,” Mrs. Langston said. “I know you are going to get everything out of life that you've always dreamed of. Take care,” were Mrs. Langston's final parting words before going back to her cart and rolling off.

Secret watched as Mrs. Langston hustled her cart down the aisle in pursuit of her forgotten milk. “There . . . there has to be some mistake,” Secret said softly, to no one in particular. “My mother said the letter said . . .” Secret couldn't even get the words out she was full of emotions. Devastation, disbelief, hurt, anger, confusion. She didn't know how to feel. She was mad. She didn't know who to be mad at. Somewhere someone was confused. Was it Mrs. Langston or was it her mother?

There was only one other way to find out.

“Mrs. Langston?” Secret said, out of breath after abandoning her cart and racing to the dairy section to find Mrs. Langston.

Mrs. Langston turned around stunned. “Oh, Secret. Yes, dear, what is it?”

“The letter. You said you got a copy of the scholarship letter.”

“Yes.” Confusion laced Mrs. Langston's smile.

“I was wondering if I could have a copy of it. I'd really like to have it as a keepsake. I, uh, lost mine. Probably with all the packing and the moving to the dorm, you know. It would really mean so much to me if you could give me a copy of that letter.”

“Oh, of course,” Mrs. Langston said. “I still have it. I, too, wanted it as a keepsake. When I retire someday I'm going to go through all my letters and see how many of my students made it big. I know you're going to be one of them.” She smiled. “Just give me your address and I'll mail it to you.”

Secret quickly dug down in her purse and pulled out a piece of mail she had along with a pen. She wrote her address down on the envelope and then ripped the piece off and gave it to her former high school counselor.

Mrs. Langston looked at the paper. A puzzled expression came across her face. “This is a Flint address.”

“Yeah, well uh . . .” Secret stammered for words.

“Oh, yeah, I know it's hard keeping up with mail when you're dealing with dorms and roommates. Students use their parents' mailing address all the time. Don't you worry; I'll make sure I get the copy mailed out to you.”

“Thank you so much, Mrs. Langston. The sooner the better and I really do appreciate it.”

“No problem, Secret. Take care.”

Secret nodded then headed back up the aisle to the exit door. Her mind was a million miles away from the cart full of groceries she was leaving behind and the fact that in ten more minutes she was supposed to be meeting Shawndiece.

She made her way to her car just in time for the dam to break. She could no longer contain her mixed emotions. Secret gripped the steering wheel as tears poured from her eyes. Had either Mrs. Langston or her mother made a mistake? Had there been some sort of crazy mix-up on the scholarship committee's part?

If anything, Secret felt her mother would have had deliberate intentions, lying to Secret just to keep her from her dreams. But was Yolanda really that hateful where she would rip all that Secret had worked for right from underneath her? Secret didn't know.

“But what I do know,” Secret said to herself, “is if that bitch stole my life, I'll kill her.”

 

By the time Secret made it to Yolanda's door and was banging on it like she was the police, her emotions had gotten the best of her. She couldn't even remember if she'd shut the car off, closed the door, or even how she'd managed to get to the apartment safely. She'd been crying and her emotions had boiled over.

“What's wrong?” Yolanda said as she snatched the door open and stuck her head out. She was looking over each of Secret's shoulders. “Is a dog chasing you? You gotta pee or something? You knocking like it's a matter of life and death.”

Secret brushed past her mother. “It is.” She stood inside the door with her arms folded across her chest. “Why are you doing this for real?”

Yolanda had a look on her face that Secret couldn't quite make out. Either she was feeling confused or feeling busted. “Doing what, Secret?”

“Why did you all of a sudden feel a need to patch things up with me? Was it guilt?”

“Guilt? I have no idea what you are talking about.” Yolanda went to walk away while uttering, “Let me get this baby ready for you.”

“No!” By the time Secret realized she'd jumped in her mother's path, it was too late. So she stood her ground. “I want answers, Mom.”

Yolanda stood in front of Secret taking in deep breaths as if she was trying to keep her cool. “Look, girl, watch yourself. Don't take my kindness for weakness.” She went on to walk around Secret.

Secret spun around to see that her mother's back was to her while she walked over to the playpen that Dina was lying in. Yolanda had bought it for her grandbaby.

“Did you lie about the scholarship?” Secret just came out and asked, stopping her mother in her tracks.

“Pardon me?” Yolanda replied without even turning around to face Secret.

Secret cleared her throat and willed herself to keep the courage to continue the conversation with her mother. “Did you lie to me about the scholarship? That day we got into it and you kicked me out, you told me that the letter from the scholarship board had come in the mail and they'd denied me the scholarship. Was that true?”

There was too long of a pause, in Secret's mind, for it not to be true. Finally her mother slowly turned around and faced her.

“And so what if I did?”

There it was. There was the tone Secret recognized. There was the look in her mother's eyes she recognized. The real Yolanda was back. This sudden shift in demeanor startled Secret to the point where she took a step backward. She was stunned to the point where she didn't even reply to her mother's question. So Yolanda repeated herself, taking a step toward Secret.

“I said, ‘And so what if I did?'”

“Well, I, uhh . . .” Secret hadn't thought about that one. She'd been so hell bent on finding out whether her mother had sabotaged her out of going off to college that she hadn't even considered what she'd do once finding out the answer.

“You walking up in here like Billy Bad, like you da baddest bitch. Banging on my goddamn door like you ain't got no fucking sense.” Oh, Yolanda was back in full force. “So I lied about the scholarship letter. So what? You shouldn't have been walking around this bitch like you was better than everybody else. Like you was the smartest motherfucker to ever walk the planet. Fuck that.” Yolanda rolled her eyes and stood her ground as if she was just as right as the day was long. She stood there practically daring Secret to do something about it.

Secret was absolutely fuming on the inside. Her head was throbbing and her heart was hurting. Her eyes were watering and her bottom lip was trembling. If she had to compare the feeling of Lucky watching her go to jail and the feeling of knowing her mother destroyed her chances of going to college, she didn't know which one hurt the worst. Both had changed her life completely, had put her on a path that couldn't have possibly altered her life for the better in any way. At least that's how Secret saw it in this actual moment.

“I don't even know what to say to you right now,” Secret said.

“You can start with a thank you.”

“Thank you?” Secret said shocked. “For what?”

“Prior to me telling you that you didn't get that scholarship you were going to get an abortion and go head off to Ohio. If that had happened, this baby wouldn't be here.” She pointed to Dina.

Secret's eyes traveled over to Dina as she recalled the exact thoughts that had run through her mind after finding out she hadn't received the scholarship.

And even now it would still just be Secret and her baby. She would have loved for the three generations of Miller females to have a relationship, but that wasn't going to happen. She was in a position where she was forced to forgive Lucky, but when it came to her mother, it was 100 percent up to Secret. She looked at the evil, relentless, coldhearted woman who stood before her. No way could she forgive her. Not today, not tomorrow, not forever. A leopard never changes its spots, only its location. Once a bitch always a bitch.

All Secret could do was storm past her mother and go get Dina.

“Whatever,” Yolanda said. “Take her. Take all her stuff and don't even think about showing up with her at my doorstep tomorrow for me to watch her while you go to work.”

Secret ignored her mother as she gathered up her baby and all her belongings. She even went to the kitchen and made sure there wasn't a single bottle or can of milk. If Dina grew up and wanted a relationship with her grandmother, so be it, but as long as Secret had a say, she would keep her daughter as far away from Queen Bitch as she could. Otherwise she might risk the chance of having to raise Princess Bitch.

With Dina and all of her belongings in hand, Secret was at the front door. When she went to open it, Yolanda jumped in her way.

“Wait a minute, hold up. We can't do this again,” Yolanda said, reconsidering. “I'm sorry. You can bring her back tomorrow. She's my grandbaby. Got nothing to do with what's going on between me and you.”

“She has everything to do with what's going on between me and you,” Secret begged to differ. “I got lucky. I didn't turn out like you, and I know you don't want to believe it, but I owe that to Grandma. And I know you say Grandma wasn't who I thought she was. Clearly from the time she raised you from the time I got older she changed for the better. So it's my prayer that the same will happen with you. Now excuse me, but I'm taking my daughter and getting the hell out of here.” Secret snatched open the door and hauled it on out of her mother's house, vowing it would be the last time, for real this time, that she ever stepped foot in it.

As Secret made her way to the car Yolanda was furiously shouting out insults. “Take your bastard-ass baby,” Yolanda shouted. “I was just trying to help you. I tried to be nice to your ass, but I should have known that all the money in the world wasn't worth it.”

Secret steadily put everything in the car and buckled Dina in as Yolanda finished her rampage. Just as Secret opened the driver door to get in Yolanda shouted out one last thing.

“That detective can offer me all the money in the world. Hell, he can have back what he gave me. I'm done fucking with your stuck-up ass. You didn't get an abortion, but I should have.” Yolanda walked back into her house and slammed her door.

Secret stood paralyzed. Typically when a person is paralyzed, they can't feel anything, but she was full of pain. She could feel every knife reentering every wound, and fingernails pulling off unhealed scabs. Her body was throbbing. Her head was throbbing. Her heart was aching.

Whatever little voice that was inside of her telling her not to let her mother in so quickly had been on point. Her mother wasn't trying to make things right. Her mother had only reached out to her because apparently she'd been paid to.

With tears streaming down her face, Secret hopped into her car. She needed to find out if there was anyone else who had been paid to reenter her life.