Obsession 3 (10 page)

“It means that I'd be being a hypocrite if I didn't give you a second chance, considering you gave me one.”

“So exactly what does giving me a second chance mean?”

Secret shrugged. “I don't know. What do you want it to mean?”

“Well, I know it's not like we can pick right back up where we left off,” Lucky said. “But we had a plan.” He eyeballed Dina. “I mean, I was supposed to be her daddy, sign the birth certificate.”

“I already filled out the information for the birth certificate,” Secret told him. “I did it while I was in the hospital.”

“So, I know many niggas, after getting a paternity test, who went back and added their names to the baby's birth certificate.”

Secret shook her head. “I really don't think all that is necessary now. It was a nice little fairytale, but now, it is what it is.”

“And what is it?”

“I don't know, you tell me. Before I got handcuffed and taken to jail, you were my man. I was having a baby we were going to raise as ours.” Secret let out a harrumph. She removed the bottle from Dina's mouth and placed her over her shoulder. “But then I saw my sister come scoop you up and the two of you ride off into the sunset like fucking Bonnie and Clyde.” Secret began to pat Dina's back.

A shocked look appeared on Lucky's face. Lucky wasn't used to Secret cursing. Had a month in jail changed her that much?

Secret had to ask herself the same question. Never one to get all gangsta and ghetto, Secret managed to stay pretty level-headed most of the time. But being falsely accused of a crime and thrown in jail can definitely change a person.

“Kat,” Lucky said, then shook his head. “Kat was my homegirl. I been down with Kat since forever.”

“Yes, I know,” Secret said. “She told me everything.”

Lucky paused. “So you two are sisters, huh?” he asked. “I mean what were the chances that my homegirl from back in the day and my woman were sisters?”

“Every man's fantasy come true, huh?” Secret asked as the baby burped. “Good girl.” She kissed her on the cheek and then continued to feed her the remainder of the bottle.

“More like a nightmare in my case,” Lucky said. “Again, you have to believe me on this, but I had cut off things with Kat permanently long before that day we got pulled over by the cops. It's just that when I needed a ride, she's the first person I thought of. She and I got into it big time not too long before that. Then we got into it again once I explained to her my situation with you—”

“And her best friend,” Secret added.

“Damn, Kat did tell you everything, huh?” Lucky said.

“We're sisters. That's what sisters do, tell each other everything.” Secret looked down at Dina who had milk dripping out the corners of her mouth. She was falling asleep and had stopped sucking and swallowing the milk. Secret placed her back on her shoulder and began patting her pack.

“Meeting you and you just happening to be Kat's sister was a fluke. I'm not that grimy nigga who would be playing two sisters like that.”

“I believe you, Lucky. Really I do.” Secret stood. “But you are grimy enough to be playing two best friends, huh?” Secret stood.

“Man, Taneshia was just a gold-digging stank. And if she was really Kat's best friend, she wouldn't have been fucking with me.”

Secret laughed and then headed up the steps.

“What's so funny? Where you going.”

Secret stopped midway up the steps. “I'm going to lay the baby in her crib and what's so funny is you.”

“Me, how am I funny?”

“You know darn well that Taneshia is not the best friend I'm talking about.”

Lucky looked puzzled.

“Let me put Dina to bed and then I'll be back down so we can talk about the best friend I was referring to. My best friend, Shawndiece.”

Secret loved walking away leaving Lucky feeling like a deer caught in headlights. When she said Shawndiece's name, Secret practically had all the answers she needed. Lucky was probably downstairs choking on the canary's feathers, because he surely looked like the cat who'd just eaten it.

Secret laid Dina in the bed and then went to the bathroom. She didn't have to use it. She just wanted Lucky to sit down there sweating. Too anxious to hear what Lucky had to say for himself, Secret couldn't stall any longer. She made her way back downstairs. She walked right past Lucky and over to the dinner table. She grabbed Lucky's plate and empty can from the table. She could feel Lucky watching her every step.

She went into the kitchen and scraped the plate, placed it in the dishwasher, rinsed her hands and then moseyed back onto the couch in the living room. She sat with her arms spread eagle on the couch and her legs crossed. She then stared at Lucky and said, “Well?”

“Well what?”

“We really aren't about to play this game are we?” Secret said. “Shawndiece. The streets are talking and they say she's your new girl.”

“And since when do you listen to the streets?” Lucky asked.

“Never mind all that. I want to hear it from the horse's mouth.”

“Do you really think I would be kicking it with your best friend?”

“Did Kat really think you would be kicking it with hers?”

Lucky stood up. “My situation with Kat is not like my situation with you. You are differ—”

“I know, I'm different,” Secret snapped. “Yeah, you've told me that before and it looked like being different wound up not working in my favor. If I was the typical hoodrat street-smart bitch, I would have played your ass, but instead I got played and almost ended up giving birth to my daughter in a jail cell!” Secret began to cry. “And now I find out while I was locked up, you was off lollygagging with my best friend.”

“I have not been lollygagging with your best friend.”

“So you aren't with Shawndiece?” Secret wiped her tears away, upset that she was crying in front of this man. She'd wanted so badly to play hardcore, but this Shawndiece thing hurt.

“I'm not with ya girl, not like that. Not like the way you thinking.”

“Then how, Lucky? Because it's funny how my best friend went MIA right along with your ass!” Secret was on a roll with the expletives.

“Just calm down, please,” Lucky pleaded. “Look, I see Shawn, but it's not for what you think.”

“Shawn,” Secret said, snapping her neck back. “Oh, so you know her like that now? It's not Shawndiece; it's Shawn. Wow!”

“I really don't want to get into Shawn . . . Shawndiece's and my relationship, but—”

“Relationship? Okay, so it is like that.” Secret just shook her head.

“I'm not screwing your girl if that's what you're thinking.”

“Then what else could you and Shawndiece possibly be doing? And why hasn't she told me about it herself?”

“Basically your girl just works for me now, that's it. Ain't no funny business going on or nothing like that.”

Secret paused, giving Lucky the side eye. “Works for you? Wha . . . what do you mean?” Secret had an idea of just what Lucky might have meant by that, but no way would Shawndiece get involved with something like that, with someone like him. But then again, she had. Yeah, her best friend might have made a career out of hustling dudes for their money, but never would she be one to get hustled by a dude. And after what Lucky had done to Secret, clearly Shawndiece had to realize he was a no-good hustler out for self.

“Like I said,” Lucky stated, “I really don't think it's my place to get all into that with you. I will tell you though that after you got locked up, your girl came at me clownin'. I had been laying low so I don't even know how she caught up with my ass.” He laughed and shook his head as if reminiscing. “But she found me nonetheless. Came charging my ass. Didn't even care she had about four gun barrels pointing at her ass. She came storming over to me, kicking off her stilettoes, taking off her earrings, and putting her hair in a ponytail.” Lucky started imitating her. “‘You got my girl locked up. I'ma fuck you up.'” He laughed again.

Secret almost laughed just picturing Shawndiece going in on Lucky on her behalf. Secret was starting to feel a little better about the situation. She knew her girl wouldn't play her like that by sleeping with Lucky. But Secret didn't let her hopes get up too high. It might not have been a romantic relationship, but clearly there was some type of relationship going on. Secret sat back and continued listening to Lucky just so she could find out exactly what it was.

“Long story short, she went on and on about how she put her last on your books and couldn't pay her mom's rent, blah blah blah. I kind of broke down to her why I did what I did. I told her like I told you: I was going to get you out, I just needed to lay low and work on some things.” Lucky paused as if he really didn't want to tell Secret the rest.

“Then what?” Secret pressed, forcing Lucky to continue.

“Basically, I told her how I needed a little help getting shit back in order, and well, she offered to help, if it meant getting you out.”

Secret walked over to Lucky. “And just what kind of help are we talking about here, Lucky? What you got my girl caught up in?”

“First off, I ain't got your girl caught up in nothing. She offered. Nobody put a gun to her head.” He thought for a minute. “I mean, yeah, she had four guns on her, but nobody was twisting her arm to put in work.”

“Put in work?” Secret questioned.

“Come on, Secret. I know when it comes to the streets you ain't on all that, but you ain't completely dumb to the situation and my line of work.”

“Your line of work?” Secret questioned. “You're an entrepreneur. You run your own business. Right? Isn't that what you told me?”

Lucky cut in before Secret could continue. “Secret, please. You knew what time it was, and if you didn't, your girl damn sure did. You never asked exactly what I did to make my paper and I never told you. But come on yo, you never asked for a reason. And that's a good thing, because the fact that you didn't know anything is probably why your ass is out of jail right now.”

“You're wrong, I'm out of jail right now because—” Secret had to cut her own self off from talking. Anger would have her saying the wrong thing and ruining everything, possibly landing her back in jail. “I'm out of jail right now due to luck, not Lucky. The police fucked up, and clearly so did I by getting involved with someone like you.”

Lucky stood and got in Secret's face. “You can play that dumb and naïve girl role as much as you want to, but I refuse to believe you were blind to the world you were living in. I kept you in the dark on a lot of shit, but you wasn't blind, so quit acting like you are some martyr and I'm in this by myself. You different from me, but not better, Secret. Remember why you start fucking with me in the first place.”

That was the second time Lucky had to put Secret in her place. Secret wasn't used to seeing this side of Lucky. As a matter of fact, the months that they were together, she couldn't even recall if they ever even had a single argument. Secret was coming to the conclusion that Lucky had been hiding a side to him that she didn't know about and didn't want to know about.

She had to admit, though, that there had been some truth in what Lucky was saying. Secret had buried her head in the sand when it came to Lucky. He'd managed to create a little world that had only included the two of them. She'd never met any of his people and the only person she'd ever introduced him to was Shawndiece. Secret had liked it that way. Lucky was a street cat and that wasn't unbeknownst to Secret. She wasn't street, though, so she had absolutely no desire in being a part of that side of Lucky. It had paid off as far as her being able to have peace of mind. But it hadn't paid off as far as Major Pain and Kat. She would have at least known about their role in Lucky's life if she hadn't been kept in the dark, or simply never turned the lights on.

“I don't want to argue and fight with you, Secret,” Lucky told her. “That's never who we were. That's what made you so special. That's what made us so special.” He took Secret's hands into his. “You are special to me, Secret. That's why I never even had you around the bullshit. And the one time I did . . .” He shook his head. “I fucked up. I've fucked up a lot in life. But I've always managed to fix my fuckups.” He pulled Secret in close to him. “Let me fix this. Will you let me fix this?”

At first Secret just looked off in thought. She hadn't practiced what she would say to Lucky. What she wouldn't say to Lucky. Therefore, she had no idea exactly what to say. But she knew that whatever it was, it had to be believable.

She was a forgiving person. But the verdict was still out on whether her heart concurred with what her mouth was about to say. Secret's eyes met Lucky's. “I will. Like I said. Everybody deserves a second chance.”

Lucky placed a soft kiss on Secret's forehead.

“Just don't fuck up again.”

Lucky smiled. “I won't, I promise.” He gave her one more kiss on the forehead, then released her hands.

“Oh, and one more thing,” Secret said.

“Yeah.”

“Tell my best friend to call me.”

“How was your first day of work?” Yolanda asked Secret as she walked into Yolanda's place.

“Good,” Secret replied.

“I'm happy for you. Got you a little job, taking care of your baby,” Yolanda said. “In spite of everything, you making it happen.”

“Well you know, I am a Miller woman. We do whatever it takes to survive and take care of our own, right?” There was a hint of sarcasm in Secret's voice.

“Humph, you ain't got to tell me. I learned from the best. Your grandmother wasn't no joke, that's for sure.”

“So I've been told.” Secret was short. She could tell that her mother was extending an olive branch, but just like with Lucky, Secret did not want to make it that easy for her. All the hell Yolanda had put Secret through, Secret felt entitled to put her through a little something something.

There was a moment of awkward silence. “Well, like I said”—Yolanda sat down on the couch—“I'm happy to see you got some fight in you. You was so soft and dainty, prim and proper when you was little. I used to tell myself, ‘Lord, this child ain't gon' never survive on these streets.'” She shook her head. “So I had to make you tough. Just like my mother made me.” She looked at Secret.

If Secret wasn't mistaken, she'd say the look she now saw in her mother's eyes was one of regret. She waited to see if the words that followed would mirror the look.

“From a kid's eyes, I know you probably thought I was the biggest bitch of a mother you ever met,” Yolanda said.

Secret didn't deny it.

“But I had to be. I had to make sure that if anything ever happened to me, you would be able to hold your own. I had to make you tough. I was hard on you for a reason, Secret.”

“Growing up I always thought that reason was because you hated me.”

“Girl, no.” Yolanda shooed her hand. “If anything I hated myself for even bringing you into this fucked-up world. That's my only regret in life.”

A solemn expression instantly popped up on Secret's face. Realizing how the words she'd said had just come out, Yolanda spoke.

“I don't mean that I regret having you. No, no, it's not that at all. I regret that I brought you into this life the way I did. Young, dumb, stupid, and chose another woman's husband as your daddy. What was I thinking? What made me think it was okay to bring a child into a situation like that?”

If Secret could recall correctly, this was really the first mother-daughter conversation she'd ever had with Yolanda. The only time Yolanda had ever talked to her was when she was calling her every kind of bitch and whore in the book or cussing her out at the top of her lungs. Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that now that Secret was a mother herself, Yolanda saw her as an adult and could have a grownup conversation with her. Secret didn't know what it was or what had changed, but she liked it. Still, she wasn't going to get all mushy and express that to Yolanda. She wanted Yolanda to extend that olive branch until her arm fell off. Maybe then Secret would feel as if they were even.

“Well, we can't live the rest of our lives with regrets,” Secret said. “It will just hold us back.”

“You right, and I don't know about you, but I'm tired of being held back. I want to move on, if you know what I mean.”

Secret nodded.

“You tired? Did they work you to death today? Did you learn everything okay?”

“It's just ringing up and bagging groceries. Doesn't take a college education to do, that's for sure,” Secret replied with a sigh.

While in the grocery store a few days ago Secret had noticed a H
IRING
sign hanging up. As she stood in line staring at the sign it dawned on her that she couldn't sit and live off of welfare forever. What kind of example would that be setting for Dina? Even if Secret felt that she'd never move away from Flint, she'd at least be able to tell her daughter that she tried. Plus, she did not want to be at Uncle Sam's mercy receiving a welfare check and food stamps for the rest of her life. She needed to have her own. Minimum wage at the local grocer wasn't much, but it was hers.

She filled out the application, did a phone interview, and was hired on the spot. They'd wanted her to start that very next day, but she had to figure out her childcare situation. Luckily Yolanda would be on vacation from her own job for the next week, so she would be able to keep Dina at least for the next few days. Secret had called her case worker about assistance with childcare. She'd gone in that same day to fill out the paperwork and was expecting any day now the letter in the mail telling her what percentage of the childcare the government would pay. She'd also received a list of childcare providers to look into. She had several home visits scheduled to go check a few of them out. Everything looked to be falling into place. Not being a procrastinator was paying off for Secret.

“Well, uh, you know, at least a job at the grocery store is something,” Yolanda said in a fidgety voice, then changed the subject. “Let me go get the baby. She's in your old bedroom.” Yolanda walked off to the back bedroom down the hall. She returned a few seconds later with Dina in her arms. “Look who's here to get her baby.” Yolanda rubbed her nose against Dina's and the baby cooed.

The sound and sight of her little one put a smile on Secret's face. She extended her arms to take Dina. She began planting kisses all over her baby girl's face once she had her in her arms.

Yolanda stared at the sight before her for a moment before she spoke. “Aren't you glad you didn't kill her? And you can thank me for that.”

Secret stopped immediately and looked up at her mother. “Excuse me?”

“Aren't you glad you didn't get an abortion, you know, like you'd planned on doing at first?”

Secret felt a rush of embarrassment and even humiliation. Even though Dina had no idea what was being said, it pained Secret that she had, in fact, thought of aborting the baby. She could only imagine how that would make her daughter feel if she ever found that out.

Suddenly a sense of selfishness came over Secret as well. She'd had dreams of going off to college, which was one of the main reasons why she had planned on getting an abortion once she found out she was pregnant; that and the fact she had no relationship with the baby's father and didn't think she'd ever see him again for as long as she lived. In being honest with herself, Secret could truly admit that had she gotten that scholarship and been accepted to OSU, Dina would not be in her arms today.

Determined not to be like her mother and end up a bitter woman in Flint for the rest of her life, Secret was going to get a college education and make something of herself and she wasn't going to let anything interfere with that, not even her unborn baby. But the day her mother gave her the news that she hadn't received the scholarship, Secret felt she had nothing to live for, nothing to lose, and nothing to gain, so why not just have the baby? She was destined to end up like the women in her family one way or the other.

Yolanda was bitter and broke working at a subpar job. Secret's grandmother had managed to make a come up, living in a nice suburb. But let Yolanda tell it, she had to sink her claws into and marry a white man to make that happen. Had Secret inherited the many traits of the Miller women? She looked into her baby's eyes. And would she pass them on to her daughter.

“I'm glad Dina is here,” was Secret's response to her mother's query. Secret began looking around. “Are all her things together?”

“Most of them, yeah. Let me go get the rest of her stuff.” Yolanda went back into the bedroom. She exited moments later with a couple of items. She went and placed them into Dina's diaper bag that was sitting on the couch. She gathered a couple more items and then stuffed them into the bag as well. “I think that's everything.” She swept the room with her eyes. “It ain't like she won't be right back tomorrow. If you left anything you can get it then.”

Secret got Dina together and then walked to the door. Seeing that Secret's hands were full, Yolanda hurried over to open the door for her.

“Thanks, Mom,” Secret said.

“You're welcome,” Yolanda replied.

“I mean for everything. I appreciate you watching Dina for me.”

“That's my grandbaby,” Yolanda said proudly.

Secret smiled. It was still hard for her to believe this was her mother talking. But then again, there was something special about Dina. She could soften the heart of Satan himself, so it shouldn't have been a surprise to Secret that she could chip away at Yolanda's cold heart. This made Secret reflect, again, on what Yolanda had asked her about being glad she hadn't aborted her baby. Perhaps Dina was just what was needed to actually bring Secret and her mother together again. God surely worked in mysterious ways, but Secret would soon find out that so did the devil.