Nothing Stays In Vegas (25 page)

"Leo, what are you afraid of? Why won't you tell me?"

I took another sip of the coke and forced the burger down my throat. What am I afraid of? What a great question. 

Only everything. I just found out about my son and if I tell her the truth about myself, she won't want me to be a part of his life. How could she? Would she even want me to be part of hers? 

"Leo?" 

I looked at her. Really looked at her. Her long blond hair had been released from its pins and was lying loose around her shoulders. But it was her ocean blue eyes, the same eyes that had haunted my dreams for the last six years that made me admit, "I'm terrified that once I tell you, you'll walk out of my life again."

Chapter Twenty-Three

I didn't want to make him false promises. I didn't want to tell him anything I wouldn't be able to stay true to. But looking at him across the table, touching him, sharing the knowledge of Ben with him, I wasn't lying when I said, "I'll never walk away from you again." 

At that moment I couldn't imagine my life without Leo in it. But at the same time I had no idea what the future looked like for any of us. I had a child to think about and he already had a father, no matter how absent he was, Andrew was the only dad Ben knew. But he deserved to know his real father too, didn't he?

Before I could think about it further, Leo brought me out of my own thoughts and directly into his. "Okay," he said. "I'll tell you about my past, but please know that that's exactly what it is, the past. I'm not that man anymore."

A chill ran through me and I couldn't stop the shiver that I knew he saw. I swallowed. "Okay," I said. There was nothing he could tell me that would change my opinion of him. 

"I'm not proud of my past," he said, "but after you left, it's strange, but things kind of fell apart for me. I think you'll understand if I tell you that even after knowing you for a few days, I knew I loved you."

I nodded. I understood all too well.

"The worst thing I ever did was not meet you in the lobby."

"But your career," I said. "I know how important that is to you. I remember you telling me about your dreams. I understand why you had to go."

He reached for my hand. Nothing felt more natural.

"That's just it. My career was always the most important thing in my life. To the point that I sacrificed love." He squeezed my hand before continuing. "And then, I almost threw it away. In fact, I think I did I everything I could to throw it away."

"What are you talking about?"

"It was a dark time in my life. I'm not proud of it, but I can't hide it. Especially from you. You need to know everything about me, even the bad stuff. It's part of who I am and I'm a different person now. But my past is part of me."

I felt the room starting to spin and I was glad for Leo's hold on me. What was he going to say? did I really want to hear it?

"Lexi, please, look at me."

"Tell me."

"I was married," he started. "To Tamara. The woman-"

"At the front desk." I didn't have to ask. I knew. I was shaking, vibrating, but I didn't realize it until Leo's grip on my hands loosened and his thumb started making slow circles on my skin, calming me. 

"I think I always knew she was interested in me, but I never thought of her that way. Until, well, it was after you left. She said you dropped the phone off and didn't want to take the note. She said you laughed and played it like we were just a Vegas fling."

"But you knew-"

"I thought I knew. I should've known. I didn't trust in us, that's something I have to live with. And when I needed someone to turn to...well, Tamara was there. I guess I mistook lust for love. The whole relationship was a mistake from the beginning and we both knew it."

"What did she look like?"

He seemed stunned by the question. "What? Why?"

I couldn't explain it but I had to know. I tried to remember the girl at the desk that day, but I couldn't. As much as I tried, I couldn't conjure her image in my head and for whatever reason, I needed to know. The ball of jealousy burned in the pit of my stomach. "Please, just tell me."

He shook his head but said, "She's petite. Dark hair, green eyes." 

The opposite of me. 

"Nothing like you," Leo said. "I think that's why I turned to her at first. But then it became the problem. She wasn't you."

I forgot that I was supposed to be upset with him and found myself leaning across the table. 

"She had me convinced that you'd blown me off. That you wanted nothing to do with me. But you weren't easy to get over, Lexi. That was the whole problem. We started dating, if you could call it that, right away. But I couldn't stop thinking about you. Even when she asked me to get married, it was you I really wanted."

"She asked you?"

He nodded. "I wasn't thinking about marriage at all. Looking back, I don't even think I loved her. It was all wrong."

"But you got married anyway," I said.

"We did. At a little chapel off the strip. Just us, no witnesses. We'd only been together about a month."

Right around the time I discovered I was pregnant.

"It was bad from the start," he continued. "We fought all the time. Badly. I hated who I was with her. I don't know why I expected marriage to be any different." 

While he spoke, Leo was looking at me, but I don't think he saw me. His eyes had a faraway look as if he was picturing his wife. "She was wild," he said. "She loved the night life of Vegas and the constant party. And sure, it was fun for awhile. We'd go out after work, even if it was two in the morning. And we'd drink, a lot."

I flinched at the thought of this Leo I didn't know, this other Leo. His grip tightened on my hand and his eyes came back into focus on mine. 

"Please," he said, his voice pleading.

When I nodded, he continued. "I only drank when we were out. It wasn't a problem for me then, but it was a problem for Tamara. And there was more than just alcohol."

"Drugs?"

He nodded. 

"Did you?"

He nodded again. "Like I said, I'm not proud of who I was. I always said I'd never be like my mother, but there I was, doing my best to be just like her."

"No."

"There was cocaine," he said as if he hadn't heard me. "I resisted it at first, and tried to keep Tamara away from it too. But, after a few drinks...anyway, partying started to take over my life too. There were times I'd come into work without having slept. I don't know how I managed it, but I did."

"And Tamara?"

"Things were different with her. I don't know if I was too drunk or high, but I didn't see the real her. Even if I had wanted to, I don't know if I would have. Our schedules didn't always merge and on nights that I was working, she'd go out anyway. We'd been married about a year when I realized she wasn't always alone on those nights."

"She cheated on you?"

Leo laughed but the sound was hard and cold. "If you could call it that," he said. "Tamara's definition of marriage was much looser than mine. There were a lot of men."

"Did you leave her?"

"No," Leo said and shook his head. "I don't know if you remember me telling you, but I never knew my dad."

"I remember." 

"I grew up with a strange sense of family, and all I ever wanted was what I never had when I was little. In my head, marriage was supposed to be forever."

"But you didn't love her."

"No, but....I was married."

"So you tried," I said. I could picture a younger Leo trying desperately to hang on to a marriage that never really was, and my heart hurt for him. 

"I tried. In my own messed up way. For awhile we even stopped partying so much. At least, I did."

"So what happened?"

"As I'm sure you can guess, drinking on the job, let alone using, is completely forbidden. And as a general rule, I tried not to party at the casino at all. I thought it was best to completely separate the two. Despite everything, my career was still important to me."

He fell silent for a minute. "That's why I don't understand why I did what I did. Looking back, it didn't seem like a big deal at the time. Tamara wasn't working that night. In fact, one of the blackjack dealers was getting married, so there was a huge party with a lot of the staff at the hotel. And by luck of the draw, I was in charge of the event. Everything started out great at first, all the details I'd arranged went off without a hitch. And all our friends were there. People Tamara and I regularly went out and partied with. Everyone was having a great time. It was definitely one of my finer events and when I was offered a bit of coke, I didn't think it would hurt. After all, these were my friends.

"Just when I thought everything was going well, I noticed Tamara on the dance floor. She was surrounded by men and there was no doubt that she was loving the attention. I wasn't enjoying it as much, so when she came to get another drink, I took her aside and confronted her. Of course there was a scene. She yelled at me and said I was boring and no fun anymore. She told me that if I wanted to keep her I would need to prove it to her. Then she downed a shot and went straight back to the dance floor and into the arms of some guy. Right in front of me."

"Leo, that's awful." 

"Not as awful as what I did."

"Tell me."

He wouldn't look at me as he said, "I went to the bar and took three shots. Tequila. Then I went out on that dance floor and proceeded to show my wife and the rest of the crowd just how much damn fun I could be. It worked, at least for Tamara, but my boss didn't think it was so great that I drank almost an entire bottle of the customer's booze, and proceeded to get so smashed that I ended up crashing in one the suites with ten of my closest friends. But not before we completely trashed it."

"Oh my goodness, Leo. Really?" 

"The worst part is, I don't remember a thing after doing the shots."

He looked at me then and I could see the worry lines etched in his face. "I'm not proud of it, Lexi."

"Tell me what happened next."

"I was fired and Tamara left me."

"She, left
you
?"

"She didn't want to be associated with me. She was afraid she would lose her job too. I let her go. I realized that I didn't like who I was with her. Who I had already become. I started going to meetings right after and I haven't used since."

"That's good. Really good." It was turn to squeeze his hand but he wouldn't look at me.

"Three weeks later," he said, "they offered me my job back on the condition that I pay for the damages, go on probation for six months and of course, change hotels. I jumped at the chance. The divorce was finalized and I haven't looked back."

"And Tamara?" I had to know.

Leo shrugged. "Last I heard she was still a party girl. She doesn't work for us anymore. The rumor was that she got caught stealing, but I don't know. I don't care. That's a chapter of my life I'm not very proud of, and I'm not that man anymore."

"It doesn't sound like you."

"It wasn't me," he said. "It was me trying to forget who I really was, and I'll never make that mistake again."

Releasing his hands, I leaned over the small table and brushed at a piece of hair that had fallen over his forehead. "Good," I said and let my fingers linger on his skin. "Because I like who you really are and I wouldn't want you to change for anything."

Leo took his free hand and pressed my palm against his cheek, turned and placed a gentle kiss against my wrist that felt scandalous and perfect all at the same time. "So, now that you know..."

I shook my head. "It doesn't matter one bit." 

He leaned forward and I closed my eyes. I knew what was coming and every fibre in my body yearned for the feel of his lips on mine. For the taste of him. The second his mouth made contact with mine, a shock flew through me landing in my core. I opened my mouth, ready for more. His hand reached out to my cheek and his thumb stroked gentle circles on my cheek while his lips worked gentle kisses on mine. 

It felt perfect, it felt right, it felt like, Leo. With one kiss, everything I'd been missing for six years became clear. It was sweet, there was no pressure behind it, but I couldn't deny the intensity there.

"Leo," I said when we finally broke apart. "I..." 

I couldn't finish the sentence. There were too many unknowns. 

"Please don't say that you shouldn't have done that," he said. "Because if you felt even a fraction of what I just felt..." His thumb resumed the slow circles on my cheek and for some reason, the sensation made me want to cry. "Lexi, I am fully and completely in love with you. I always have been. So please, don't tell me that you shouldn't have kissed me. I don't know if I could bear to hear it."

"But," I said fighting back tears, "Andrew. I can't do this to him."

"Do you love him?" Leo whispered. "Like I've always loved you? The way I think you love me?"

"No," I whispered through a veil of tears. "No."

Leo drew me forward and met my lips again. This time both his hands held my head, and the intensity behind his kiss was clear. When he pulled back, he used his fingers to wipe my tears and said, "Then what, my dear, are we going to do, because I can't let you go again. I won't."

Chapter Twenty-Four

I left Leo in the lobby. I knew what I needed to do. What I'd needed to do for years. 

It was time. We parted with a hug, but as much as I wanted to, I couldn't kiss him again. Not until I spoke to Andrew. It wasn't fair. And despite everything between us, Andrew wasn't a bad man. He loved me, and he didn't deserve this. 

I took one more look at Leo before the elevator doors closed. I didn't bother memorizing him; this wouldn't be the last time I'd see him. I knew that now. I'd call him when I was done talking to Andrew. I just didn't know when that would be. For all I knew, Andrew was still wandering around the casino or gambling somewhere.