Notes from the Life of a Total Genius (2 page)

To Ms Whitehead,

This is a contract between Arthur Bean and himself regarding his English class. This year his goals in grade nine English are the following. If he doesn’t reach them, the punishment is most certainly death (or maybe an F).

1. I will finish writing a novel. My novel has to be at least 100,000 words long.

2. I will write every assignment I can in verse to practise my rhyming techniques.

3. I will hand in every assignment on time, and they will all have my name on them.

I think that these three goals speak to my strengths and weaknesses.

Signed by,

Arthur Bean

and notarized by

Arthur Bean

Arthur,

I’m glad to see you in my class again and I look forward to your unique take on assignments. You’re a strong writer, and I’ve enjoyed watching you discover new abilities in your own writing. However, this first assignment is meant to help guide your studies for the year. Your first goal is drastically unrealistic. I’m happy to assist you in writing a novel this year, but most of that writing will be done on your own time, and homework assignments need to take precedence. Your second goal is also unreasonable; there will be some assignments where you can choose your format, but writing everything in rhyme doesn’t help you to develop other writing skills. Your third goal is fine, if not a little underwhelming. I know we discussed punctuality last year, but I don’t believe that handing work in on time really pushes you to challenge yourself in new ways. It’s expected that your homework will be on time anyway. Please, either re-send me your goals, or see me after class and we can form some goals together that are more realistic.

Ms Whitehead

Dear Ms Whitehead,

Here are my amended goals:

1. My assignments will be longer than everyone else’s;

2. I will read at least one non-fiction book (and tell you about it);

3. I will learn the proper use of a semi-colon and use it in every assignment at least once. (See how I’m already succeeding in this last goal?) (See how my punctuality is right on time?)

And as a bonus goal,

4. I will make sure that all my assignments are based on true stories.

From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

To: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

Sent: September 10, 19:03

Dear Kennedy,

I just thought I should say that I’m thinking about developing a running opinion column for the
Marathon
. It would be super great if you wanted to hang out after school or on the weekend and help me come up with some awesome ideas of things I could write about. I want to focus on big issues that affect everyone. I know you and I work well together, so we could have a great brainstorming session.

What do you think?

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

Sent: September 10, 21:57

Hi Arthur!

Your column sounds like a great idea! I’m REALLY busy though, so I can’t meet! I’m on like a THOUSAND committees and stuff this year, plus I want to make sure I have time to see my friends and my boyfriend too!

Actually, maybe you can help me out! Do you think you’d be able to work the bake-sale booth for the fall carnival next week?! That would be AMAZING! I would be SOOO appreciative! It’s only a few hours after school on the 13th (SO UNLUCKY LOL!) and you can ask any of your friends to help out! ALL my friends are running booths! I feel bad asking, but you’re my last shot LOL!

Kennedy :)

From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

To: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

Sent: September 10, 22:10

Dear Kennedy,

I could probably run the booth for you. That’s what friends are for, right? Plus, then you’ll owe me a favour! Haha!

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

September 11th

Dear RJ,

I think Robbie’s lonely in Lethbridge, so I’ve been writing him. I try and tell him about the crappy stuff at school so that he doesn’t get too sad about not being here. Not that he had a great time last year. I even heard some kids talking about how he isn’t at school this year because he’s in juvie. Kids are so stupid sometimes. I vow, RJ, I’m never going to believe rumours!

I’ve been trying to make a bunch of new friends too. Kennedy is friends with practically everyone, so I think that she’ll invite me to parties and stuff. Right now, though, I’ve been eating lunch alone at my locker. At least my locker is over by the Home Ec room, and no one goes there during lunch, so I don’t look like a total loser. Well, Von saw me one day and told me I could sit with him, but that guy is so, so (I’ve written
so
twice to show my supreme annoyance) annoying. Why does he think he’s so amazing at everything? And more importantly, why does he tell everyone? I told him that I’m working on my novel over lunch. At first I was going to tell him I was writing a movie, but he would have forced his way into “helping” like last year, and that went terribly. I’m getting smarter in my old age, RJ.

The rest of school is all right. I’ve got pretty good teachers this year, none of the really hard or mean ones. Actually, Mr. Everett is a hard marker, but he’s so dorky and happy all the time that it’s kind of OK. I really like Hark, the new Drama teacher. He’s seriously awesome. I can’t even say why, but it’s like he isn’t trying too hard. So many teachers try so hard to get you to like them and it’s very transparent and that makes me like them less. But Hark doesn’t do that. He’s kind of awkward in front of us, but he knows so much about theatre. He said that we’re going to start by performing poems by famous people. And I know that sounds really stupid, but we’re allowed to do any poem we want. Like, anything! If Robbie were in the class, I bet he’d do a Dr. Seuss poem or something like that just to see if Hark meant “anything.” I don’t know what I’m going to do. Maybe I’ll write my own poem. I can do it at lunch. There’s nothing else to do!

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

From: Von Ipo ([email protected])

To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

Sent: September 12, 19:56

Hey, Artie!

First, don’t you love Hark? That guy is awesome! Do you have a poem yet for Drama? If you need one, I’ve chosen twenty! I basically went through my shelves and picked the best ones, but I can only do one. I chose a Walt Whitman poem, but I’m going to ask if I can do a Jay Z rap as a poem. Rap is basically poetry. Maybe Hark’ll even let me play the real song in the background. Let me know if you want to look through what I have. Some people are doing their performances in partners. Be cool if we did something together, hey? Like our movie last year! Let me know!

Cheers!

Von

Assignment: Personal Reading Projects

Although we will be doing a novel study this year in class, as well as studying one of Shakespeare’s tragedies (here’s a hint for you: Double, double, toil and trouble …), there will also be some individual reading and responses. Over the course of the year, you are expected to read and review at least one of the novels on the approved reading list, one biography or autobiography and one non-fiction book. Of course, you’re welcome to read and respond to more books if you wish! If there is a specific book that you wish to review that is not on the list, please speak to me. You must log your responses through detailed book reviews. I expect more than a synopsis! Chart your progress and reflections as you read.

There is no specific due date, but I suggest you plan your year accordingly, so that you aren’t handing them all in at the end of June. Book reviews submitted after June 3 will be marked as late.

From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

Sent: September 14, 11:16

Hi Arthur!

Thanks SO much for running the bake-sale booth! Wasn’t the carnival super fun?? It was HILARIOUS to see Catie in the dunk tank! She was so mouthy, I’m not surprised that she got dunked so often LOL! I’m going to write an article for the
Marathon
about how it brought together the school in such a positive way!

Anyway, I just wanted to talk to you about something. Someone saw you eat a Rice Krispie square while you were sitting there, but they didn’t see you pay for it! I’m sure it’s just a mix-up, but I promised that I would follow up!

Kennedy :)

From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])