Notes from the Life of a Total Genius (9 page)

Serpentine
(to Spy Three and Four)
: Who are you?

Spy Three:
I’m Pink Panther and he is Mauve Maverick.

Spy Four:
No—I’m Pink Panther and HE is Mauve Maverick.

Spy Three:
You said I could be Pink Panther!

Spy Four:
No—you wanted to be Mauve Maverick because you like the movie
Top Gun
.

Captain:
ENOUGH! We have a mission to accomplish!
(There is silence.)
Good. Now, as I was saying, six spies have been chosen to carry out our fifth and final mission. But I fear that one of us is a mole!

Spy Three:
A mole? I’m a panther! A PINK panther. (
He says this pointedly at Spy Four.)

Serpentine:
Well, that guy is a rat! Rats are very closely related to moles. I think.

Rat-ical:
Are you suggesting that I work for the enemy? I’ll fight you!

Captain:
STOP! You’ve all realized by now that one of us is the enemy. I called you all here so that we can figure out who it is and get rid of him so that we succeed.

Spy Four:
Do you mean … kill them?

Spy Three:
That’s a little harsh.

Spy Four:
I’m sure a stern talking to would be enough.

Captain:
SHUT UP, YOU FOOLS! Now, who is the mole?

Serpentine:
Well, it’s not me.

Rat-ical:
Exactly what a mole would say.

Captain:
I agree with Serpentine. Rat-ical looks like a mole.

Spy Three:
Well then, it’s settled. Rat-ical is a mole. We can leave now.

Rat-ical:
I am not a mole! I’m a
rat
!

Serpentine:
So rats
aren’t
moles? Then I think that it’s YOU!
(Points to Spy Three.)

Spy Three:
That’s preposterous! Just ask Mauve Maverick. I’ve been with the resistance the last fourteen years. What would even make you think I’m a mole?

Serpentine:
You’re accusing another. You’re trying to shift blame!

Rat-ical:
It’s like the old saying: he who smelt it …

Serpentine
and
Rat-ical
(
together
): DEALT IT.

Spy Four:
What? Someone farted?

Captain
(under his breath)
: Excuse me.

Spy Three:
Let’s vote on who the mole is.

Captain:
Good idea. If you think Serpentine is the mole, put up your hands.
(No one does.)

Serpentine:
Good. I’m glad you believe in me.

Captain:
If you think Rat-ical is the mole, put up your hands.
(Captain Subtle and Spy Three put up their hands.)

Captain:
If you think Pink Panther …

Spy Four:
Mauve Maverick.

Captain:
Whatever. That guy
(points to Spy Three)
is the mole …
(Rat-ical and Serpentine put up their hands.)

Captain:
Wait a minute.
(Turns to Spy Four.)
You haven’t voted yet, and you’re the only one left. Are you giving yourself up?

Spy Four:
I’m not the only one left. There’s also you, Captain Subtle.

Spy Three
(
mutters
): Ooooh. Subtle. I should have seen that coming. It’s so obvious.

Captain:
That’s absurd. How can I be the mole AND lead the mission?

Spy Four:
I know it’s you!
(Pulls his gun on Captain Subtle.)

Captain:
I told you to put your weapons on the table!

Spy Four:
Sit down. (
Captain sits down.)
Let me explain. I am from the future.

Rat-ical:
That’s impossible!

Spy Four
(continues)
: I was the head of a time-travelling mission and I saw how Captain Subtle will flub the mission on purpose and we will lose.

Spy Three:
Wait a minute! I think you, Mauve Maverick, are the mole! None of this makes any sense! You were part of the human-into-animals project, not the time-travelling project. You’re lying to us. You’re the mole! I’ll prove it!
(Goes up to Spy Four and pulls up his pant leg to reveal a paw instead of a foot.)

Rat-ical:
I’m so lost.

Spy Four:
I was part of BOTH projects. I got this animal leg after my original leg was blown off in World War Four. I’m telling you, Captain Subtle is the mole!
(Waves his gun wildly.)

Captain:
Prove it. If you can prove it, you can shoot me dead.

Serpentine:
Ooh. This just got interesting.

(The door flies open and a spy that looks exactly like Spy Four enters the room.)

New Spy:
Sorry I’m late. Traffic was terrible on Sussex Drive. And you know how bad Wellington can be during rush hour. (
He stops and looks around. Spy Four has his gun pointed at Spy Three. Captain Subtle is standing near the weapons table.)
What the …

Spy Three:
Who are you?

New Spy:
I’m Pink Panther. I was called to a meeting.

Spy Four:
It’s
me
! I’m
here
! There’s your proof, Captain!

(Captain Subtle grabs a gun from the table. He shoots and wounds Spy Four. New Spy shoots back, but misses. Serpentine tackles the captain and there is chaos onstage, but eventually Captain Subtle is bound and gagged.)

Serpentine:
Problem solved.

Spy Four
(weakly)
: Not really …
(They all look over and realize that he’s dying.)

New Spy:
Wait—you’re
me
?!?
I’m
dying?!?

Spy Three
(sobbing)
: Mauve Maverick, I love you, man. Don’t die …

Spy Four
(weakly)
: Not … Mauve Maverick … I … wanted to be … Pink … Pant …
(Dies.)

New Spy:
Wait—that was me
in the future
?? I just DIED?!?

Serpentine:
I’m afraid so. But the good news is that we solved the pest problem. You know, got rid of the mole.

New Spy:
But I
died
! That’s it. I’m retiring before this can actually happen.
(Walks out.)

Rat-ical:
I’m glad I’m not a mole.

(There is a knock on the door. Another spy walks in.)

Ever Newer Spy:
Oh good. You’re all here. I’m your captain. I’ve called you here to discuss our new mission. The only problem is that one of us is a mole.

Serpentine:
Not again!

(Blackout.)

Hi, Arthur!

This is truly amazing. You’ve done a real bang-up job here. There’s tension, there’s some real laugh-out-loud moments, and there’s even a bit of pathos. I love it!

You may have some trouble with your casting; having two characters who look like each other can be very tricky, especially in a small school. (Look at Shakespeare’s Comedy of Errors. So many twins!) Also, getting an animal leg might be a bit tricky in the props/costume department!

You’re a bit ahead of the rest of the gang on getting your script in, but I’m hoping that we’ll have auditions in a couple of weeks so that we can get to rehearsing as soon as winter break is over.

Cheers!
Hark

November 29th

Dear RJ,

I saw Millie at school today and she told me again that I should join her and Joie’s fencing class in the new year. They are actually going to competitions, and she said that if I act like I’m really into fencing, Deeter will let me fence more bouts, which is way more fun than all the exercises of parrying and lunging. I want to fight. That’s what I joined for. Plus, this week Deeter was showing us this really cool move where you can flick your wrist, and make the sword bend and tap your opponent’s back. It looks awesome. I tried it on my dad, but I flicked it too hard and my sword went flying and hit the guy beside me. I thought it was pretty funny, but the guy next to me did not.

Anyway, I think I will keep going. It’s fun to hang out with those girls. I definitely think Joie has a crush on me. She always leans on me when we’re in line until she would fall over if I were to move. I wonder what Kennedy would say to that! Ha!

I told Millie that she should be in my play for Leg Breakers, and she said that she’d do it. I want to ask Kennedy to be in it too. I think she would be a really good spy, but I don’t know if she’ll do it. Things are so weird with her. I wish we were friends again. Maybe being in my play will make that happen. Whenever I see her at newspaper meetings, all she can talk about is planning the grad prom or this dumb leadership award. I actually think I prefer emailing her, because she’s so much nicer to me over email. I have to keep telling her that her article ideas are kind of boring. No one wants fashion advice from the Home Ec. Club!

At least I’m looking at issues that are important to everyone in the school. Sure, Ms Kraleigh doesn’t like it, but real journalists tell the truth, and they sometimes get in trouble for it. Plus, she’s so strict. My mom used to complain about how strict my elementary school principal was. Mom used to say that principals should be seen but not heard. I used to overhear her complaining about school policies to my dad after I’d gone to bed, and she would say that she couldn’t do anything to change them. But I’ve seen enough documentaries to know that it only takes one person to stand up to a bully before the rest of the world will follow him. I need to be a leader here.

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

The
Call of the Wild
by Jack London

I know you’re making us write about some of the books we read, so I thought I would do one now. Look at me; I’m so proactive! I should probably get extra bonus marks for not leaving it until the end.

I asked my dad what his favourite book was. He said that right now, his favourite book was by some guy with the strangest name ever: Eckhart Tolle (I had to look that up to spell it right; that should get me bonus marks too). I looked at his books, but they looked terrible and boring. Then Dad said that he has always really loved Jack London’s books. So I read
The Call of the Wild.

As you know, Ms Whitehead, I don’t like books with animals as the main characters. I’m not really an animal lover. I barely tolerate my own cat, Pickles. She hates me too, so the feeling is mutual. She was more my mom’s cat, but now my dad and I have her around. I’ll probably cry when she dies because we’ve had her so long, but I won’t miss the fact that she’s half-demon and probably wants to kill me. Anyway, enough about Pickles.
The Call of the Wild
is about a dog who lives the high life in California, but he gets dognapped and taken to the Yukon to be a sled dog and then ends up becoming a wolf.

I was wary when I started this book, because Buck (the dog) is the main character. I thought maybe he would start talking to rats and other dogs and stuff, and we all know: DOGS DON’T TALK. But then, I kind of got into the book, because Buck doesn’t talk, but he does have feelings and thoughts, but he’s still a dog. Plus, the plot was really interesting and had a lot of action in it. I really liked Buck and Thornton together, and I was glad that Buck finally found a guy who understood him and didn’t abuse him. I don’t like Pickles, but I would never hurt her. I don’t understand people who do that to animals.

After reading
The Call of the Wild
by Jack London, I’ve decided that I still don’t really like books with animals as the main characters, but I did like this book and I’m glad I read it and not Eckhart Tolle. I also want to go camping in the Yukon. It sounded like it’s really awesome up there, so I’m going to ask my dad if we can go one day. I might read
White Fang
too, which is another Jack London book that takes place in the Yukon. I would rate this book eight out of ten (it lost two points because it was about animals).

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

Arthur,

Thank you for handing in your reading response early. I hope this is the beginning of a new trend for you! I’m glad you enjoyed The Call of the Wild. I’ve never read it, but maybe I will now that it’s been recommended. As you know, I don’t really like animal books either, so we’re on the same page. I had a similar experience, though, when I read Watership Down. It’s an animal book without being like any other animal book. It might pique your interest; let me know if you would like to borrow my copy.

I hope you and your dad get to go to the Yukon; I’ve seen photos and it looks stunning.

One note: you refer to the plot as being “interesting.” Interesting is a boring adjective; it doesn’t convey any sense of what something actually is. Next time, try to use words that evoke more emotion!

Ms Whitehead

By Arthur Bean

Terry Fox Jr. High often celebrates milestones in the school year with dances. We had a Fall Dance to celebrate Thanksgiving. We have a Winter Dance to celebrate all the different holidays in December. We dance at Valentine’s Day, at Spring Equinox and again at the end of the year. My question is: What about the people who hate dancing?

There are many awkward students out there who can’t dance. Maybe they don’t feel the music deep in their souls. Maybe it’s more serious than that, and they have a heart murmur so they can’t understand the regularity of a beat. But these poor students have to make a difficult choice each and every time we host a dance: Do they go to the dance and make fools of themselves, or do they stay home and be considered losers?

And a tough choice it is: if they go, they either look ridiculous on the dance floor and everyone laughs at them, or they stand on the side, feeling small and self-conscious. If they don’t go, they come off as being anti-school spirit, and they don’t get the chance to see their peers socially and make new friends.

Dances are for the popular kids to show off their popularity, and for less popular kids to feel terrible about themselves. It’s all about the circle of dancers in the middle of the floor, and who is slow dancing with whom at the end of the night.

So why can’t we have different events to celebrate? Instead of a Grad Dance, maybe we should have a grad science expo? Or a grad poetry reading? A grad mathlete nerd-off? Everyone loves scavenger hunts. Why not one of those? I think we should host events that reach a wide range of talents and abilities, not just dances. But hey, that’s …

Just One Guy’s Opinion.

(Note to Readers: I’m actually not a terrible dancer, and I’m not a loser who hangs out along the wall. I just want to speak up for those who are too scared to do so.)

Hey, Artie,

I’m intrigued by your choice of subject this month. I don’t know if we want to publish this right before the Winter Waltz, especially since Kennedy and the rest of the committee have worked really hard on planning it. Even though you should call me Ted (because I love Danson! Ted … Danson! Get it?), I think you raise some valid points. How about we look at adding a little “pro-dance” paragraph to show you’ve thought about the counter-argument?

Cheers!
Mr. E.

December 12th

Dear RJ,

Against my better judgment, I went to the Winter Waltz tonight. It was so lame, as expected! At least Hark was there, so I got a chance to tell him about my ideas for my next play that I want to write. (It takes place underwater. It’s a show about SCUBA diving, and this guy who is about to die because he doesn’t have enough oxygen to get back up to the surface, but while he drifts farther down in the water, he discovers all these crazy things that could change the future of the world for the better. But, of course, he dies.) It’s got a strong environmental message, which Hark said sounded amazing. It was too bad that Von came over and joined our conversation. He started talking about all the great things he’s supposedly done over the years, and how he and I should get together and write more screenplays. Hark is so nice to him. It must be hard to be a teacher and have to be nice to kids that you actually can’t stand. I feel like I’d be terrible at it, because if I was Von’s teacher, I would fail him on everything, and give him detention just for being annoying.

Kennedy came up to talk to me too, and I thought at first she was going to ask me to dance, but she said that she couldn’t believe I would write an anti-dance article. I tried to explain that it wasn’t anti-dance, it was just a suggestion to add some variety in our social events, but she was so mad that she wouldn’t listen. I don’t know why she has to take everything so personally. I wasn’t attacking her! I tried to find her later to apologize, since I figured that it was better to apologize than explain, but she was with Catie all night, so there wasn’t any point. I’ll try and explain again another time. I wish she would see that I’m way more fun to hang out with than Catie. And I’m nicer too. I’m nice to everybody!

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

Assignment: Winter Break Excuses