Notes from the Life of a Total Genius (11 page)

December 27th

Dear RJ,

Well, I’m glad that’s done. What is it about Christmas that makes it so crappy? I know that part of it is that my mom isn’t here, and she was so into Christmas, and I miss her a lot, but it’s not just that. I even try and get into the Christmas spirit, and I pretend to be happy about it, but I’m really not.

Maybe I’m too old for Christmas. I want to be super excited, but there’s never anything really fun to do after we’ve opened presents. All I got was some camping gear from my dad, a sweater and a book from my grandparents and a computer program. The camping gear is cool, but I can’t use it for another six months. I’ve already read the book, so I have to return it. Everyone just sat around Grandma’s living room all afternoon watching a movie. I wanted to go do something else, but because it was Christmas, it feels like we’re supposed to spend all day together. Grandpa suggested cross-country skiing, but I’m pretty sure I would hate that, and we didn’t have equipment anyway.

It’s like Christmas is this big thing that you look forward to for a month, and then it comes and it’s just another day, but weirder. There are no toys to play with or be excited about. There’s no magic anymore. It’s a reminder of the big, gaping hole that my mom left behind, and even watching
Home Alone
can’t fix it.

I wonder if other kids feel the same way. I also wonder if Kennedy wrote me back yet. I’m going to go check.

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

December 28th

Dear RJ,

So I get back to Calgary, and Robbie invited Von to join us to hang out tonight! Why would he do that? He knows how much I can’t stand that guy! I’m tempted to not even go over there, but Robbie leaves first thing Monday morning, so if I don’t go, I’ll be sitting at home alone on a Saturday night while my best friend hangs out with my nemesis.

Why does Von have to be everywhere? He’s so keen to hang out with me, and I don’t know why. I wish he would find other friends. He says he’s so popular, so why can’t he hang out with those people? And why do only people I don’t like want to be my friend?

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

To: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

Sent: December 28, 23:00

Dear Kennedy,

Cheesecake Café has a peppermint bark cheesecake! I saw it when I was there with friends tonight, and I thought of you. I know you love peppermint bark, and I remember you said that the Cheesecake Café was your favourite place. It’s like your dream come true!

I’m sure it’ll be around for a little bit longer, so let me know if you want to go sometime with me and a bunch of my friends!

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

December 30th

Dear RJ,

The only invitation I got for New Year’s Eve was from Von, and I’m definitely not going to his hockey team’s party. I would rather be by myself. Although it’s going to suck. I’m glad that I’m not the only one though. Robbie is spending New Year’s with his mom at home.

Is it wrong that I feel better about myself because Robbie is doing loser things too? I just don’t want him to have a better time than me. I think we’re better friends if we share the same experiences, even if that means that we both have stupid New Year’s plans.

I guess if my social life is at an all-time low, then I want other people’s to be also. Do you think this is a sign of what my whole life is going to be like?

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

Sent: January 1, 16:23

Hi Arthur!

I got your email about the cheesecake, but I was SO BUSY! Then I forgot to respond, and when I remembered, it was like December 30th already, and I figured that I would just talk to you at Rocky’s NYE party, since he invited almost everyone from our grade. But you weren’t there yesterday! It was super fun! I hope you aren’t sick or something. Getting sick over the holidays is the WORST! :(

Anyway, I hope you tried the cheesecake for me! I can’t believe you remembered a stupid little comment I made about peppermint bark from weeks ago LOL! But I’m glad you did! Catie and I are DEFINITELY going to have to try it soon! Thanks for the heads up!!

Kennedy :)

From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

To: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

Sent: January 1, 18:06

Dear Kennedy,

I actually am really sick with the flu. Otherwise, I would have totally been at the party. I meant to go, but then I couldn’t! It’s too bad I missed it. I’ll definitely be at the next big party!

I’ve been thinking about your story about New Year’s resolutions, and I have some good ideas. Can I write it? I think I could make it pretty funny!

Yours truly,

Arthur Bean

From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

Sent: January 3, 20:20

Hi Arthur!

Write away! That’s what co-editors are for, right? Sharing ideas and stuff! I’ve already got some stuff lined up about fundraising for grad (we’re doing cookie-grams!!) and about final exams!

Kennedy :)

By Arthur Bean

Dear Ms Whitehead,

I’m afraid I can’t hand in my homework on time. I know you gave us the whole winter break, but I didn’t get it done.

I started to do my homework on the first day of the break, because I am a conscientious student and I like to get everything done early so that I have time to edit and rewrite parts that may need to be fixed. I do this with every assignment, and you never see how much work I put into my writing.

So I started writing, but Pickles, my cat, started meowing. This probably doesn’t sound so crazy, but Pickles never makes any noise, so I knew something was wrong. I was certain that this was probably the end for poor Pickles. She’s an old cat, and she’s clearly annoyed being alive. I don’t like her much, but no one should die alone. So I found her, and she was meowing at something outside the window. I looked out, but I couldn’t see anything. I opened the window a crack, in case there was gas in the house and she was telling us that we were going to die. Immediately, Pickles jumped through the window and was gone, into the snowstorm that was blowing around outside. I swore (but no one heard me, so it was OK) because I knew that I needed to find Pickles and bring her back inside before she actually died. I grabbed my boots and coat, and ran down the stairs and out the door.

We live on the third floor, which isn’t that far for a cat to jump, but I looked under the windowsill first, just in case. No Pickles. I took another step and I heard her meow again. I looked around, and took a step onto the snowy lawn. The snow crackled underneath me, and I fell into a deep hole. I swore again. I was trapped in a deep hole under the snow, and I had no idea what I was going to do! I looked up and saw Pickles smiling at me from above. I know: cats can’t smile. But Pickles is part-demon, and she can. And she did. She smiled, and then, the strangest thing happened. She spoke. “Good luck, boy. You’ll die in there,” she said. I tried to reply, but all that came out of my mouth was a throaty “meow.” Pickles cackled and ran off. I was trapped. I looked around and there was no way out. I was stuck. I pulled my coat closer around me. At least it was warm underground.

It was soon dark out, but the snow persisted. Luckily, I had just recently learned about the pukak layer in Mr. Everett’s Science class. Since you probably have forgotten what this is, I’ll tell you. The pukak layer is a layer of warm air that forms between the ground (or, in this case, me) and the snow falling. It’s the reason many animals can stay outside during the winter and not die. I knew that as long as I didn’t move, a pukak would form over me and I would be all right. So I huddled in, and sang myself to sleep while the snow fell.

The next thing I knew, it was January 2nd, and a Chinook came through and melted all the snow. I shook myself awake and yawned. I was able to get a foothold in the frozen earth and pull myself out of the hole. When I got to the top, Pickles looked at me with hate in her eyes. “Next time,” she said, but the “ime” got stuck in her throat and came out as a purr. I laughed in her face, and said, “Aren’t you a good kitty?”

So I barely had time to even write this up, but I hope you accept this as my assignment.

Arthur,

You’ve crafted an imaginative excuse here. I like your use of knowledge from other classes in your excuse; Mr. Everett would be proud!

I hope that Pickles isn’t quite as evil as you say, although maybe that’s why I’ve always been more of a dog person.

Ms Whitehead

By Arthur Bean

January is upon us, which means that people all around the world are pretending that their lives are about to get better, just by saying/writing all the things that they want to change about themselves. Lose ten pounds, read more books, make nerds cooler: these little resolutions hang over people’s heads, making the long and cold month of January just that much more disappointing.

Not as disappointing, though, as returning to school to see that a Friday cafeteria favourite, Avril’s Poutine, is off the menu for good.

At first, I thought it was a mistake. Then I thought that maybe someone forgot to order the cheese curds. But no. It was, in fact, a deliberate omission. Ms Kraleigh has taken away our Fry-day.

The Terry Fox Jr. High cafeteria has slowly been shifting towards healthier options, but I know that I was not the only one who appreciated that once a month we were treated to the option of buying crisp, hot fries, salty gravy and squeaky cheese curds. For some students, I’m pretty sure that’s the only reason they come to school.

I approached Avril Lonie, the chef in charge of the cafeteria, for a comment, but she shooed me out of the kitchen, claiming that I needed to be wearing a hairnet to be in there. It’s possible that this is true, but it’s also possible that she has been given a gag order, and is not allowed to speak on the matter.

I don’t know why the school administration is trying to suck every bit of enjoyment out of our time here. I don’t see why poutine once a month is a bad thing. What is bad is the fact that once a year people make ridiculous claims about trying to become better by setting goals that they will never reach.

Don’t ban poutine. Ban New Year’s resolutions instead. But hey, that’s …

Just One Guy’s Opinion.

Hey, Arthur,

I know you’re against New Year’s resolutions, but I don’t think they are such a bad thing! Sometimes we need a reminder to do better, the same way that I am, again, reminding you that we cannot skewer the administration for decisions that they make, in each edition of the Marathon. Please edit your piece to make it more diplomatic and objective and re-submit. I know you can do it; we’ve had lots of practice on your earlier pieces.

Cheers,
Mr. E.

From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

Sent: January 9, 16:02

ARTHUR!!

I CAN’T believe that THIS is what you meant when you said you wanted to write the New Year’s resolutions article!! That isn’t at all what I thought you were going to do! I feel like you totally misled me into trusting you with this!

Why did you write this?! I thought that we were FINALLY getting back to normal after all the stuff from last year, and then you go and break my trust with this?!?

Kennedy :(

From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

To: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

Sent: January 9, 17:17

Dear Kennedy,

I wasn’t skewering what you wanted to write. I just thought it was a good angle to take when they took poutine off the menu. I really didn’t do it to make you angry!

I’m just writing what I think, and what others might be thinking too. That’s why my articles are called JOGO!