Not Your Damn Dom (Denial #2) (12 page)
Read Not Your Damn Dom (Denial #2) Online
Authors: Amy Valenti
In retrospect, his reaction
made perfect sense. Of course he had some hang-ups about it. Who wouldn’t? “I understand.”
“
Do you, Alex?” He stared at me. “I hardly even trust myself with you in the relationship we have. To go any farther than that… God. I don’t wanna break you.”
I returned his stare with as much warmth as I could. He needed my support, and any hurt I felt could come later.
“It means so much to me that you let me in in the first place, you know that.”
He shook his head.
“I’m sorry I got mad. I don’t blame you for being curious, and God knows I don’t judge anyone else who’s in a D/s relationship. But it’s not somewhere I can go again.”
I nodded, pushing aside my disappointment.
“Okay.”
I wasn
’t sure if I meant it, but it was what he needed to hear. And if it were any other day, he’d probably have seen through the lie and called me on my bullshit—but today he didn’t.
He pressed a soft kiss to my lips and pulled me into his arms, thanking me for understanding.
I held him tightly, my chest aching with the urge to cry for the man he’d been before this had broken him, and for the relationship we might have had. Because now I’d discovered Pandora’s Box, all shiny and full of promise, how could I not want to open it? How was I going to settle for normal sex now I knew Spencer had at least six years of BDSM delights in his past, and that if he chose to, he could give me a taste of a whole different experience?
I
’d just have to suck it up. There was no way I could put him through a world of hurt just to be selfish.
Still, I
wanted
…
* * * *
Alex
“
I think I’m a submissive,” I confessed.
“
Hang on, let me just call the tabloids,” she joked, fishing her phone half out of her bag, and I scowled at her until she laughed. “Relax, I promise I’m not gonna say a word. Really. I’d be shunned by the whole community if I said anything, especially in LA, when there are so many famous kinky people. I’d be lucky to get into the local clubs ever again.”
I relaxed and handed over her book.
“God, don’t ever scare me like that!”
Giselle brushed her wavy
red hair back from her face and smiled. “So you think you’re a submissive? I’m not surprised. Aren’t you dating Spencer Hyde?”
I
’d never discussed our relationship with her before, and I blinked at her. “Do you know something I don’t know?”
She shrugged.
“Only that he and his sub used to be regulars at Scene One—the club—right up until they split. I still don’t know why it was, but I do know there are a lot of Doms in the community who are kind of angry with her. And then a lot of people who are angry at
them
for blaming her for what happened. It’s a whole big mess.”
I groaned.
“How can you know all that, but not what split them up?”
Giselle shrugged
, stirring sugar noisily into her coffee. “It’s kind of cliquey on the local scene sometimes. You hear rumours, but if you’re not in the enlightened inner circle you never actually get to the truth. It’s annoying, but then, there seems to be a lot of drama in those circles. Most of the time I’m just glad I’m not part of it.”
I changed the subject. I was still too confused about how to handle Spencer to talk about it with anyone else.
“So how long have you been a sub?”
She smiled.
“About five years. I haven’t ever had a steady Dom—I dunno why; it’s just never felt right to get into anything serious with anyone. And it’s nice to play with a whole bunch of different people. I like the freedom there.”
Fascinated, I quizzed her on some of her experiences, asking how different things felt, what it was like to have sex in public with people watching all around you. Giselle didn
’t seem inclined to hold back, and I drank in her experiences vicariously, sadly aware that it might be the closest I’d ever get to experiencing them in person.
“
So Spencer hasn’t done anything with you? God, maybe Kristin broke him.” Giselle sighed. “Such a waste. He was amazing to watch. The things that man could do with a flogger, I can’t even describe. I asked him if he wanted to play once, but he only had eyes for his sub.”
I pushed back irrational hurt that she knew things about Spencer that I didn
’t, and probably never would experience first-hand with him. “Thanks for talking about this stuff with me. I feel a little less confused now.”
Giselle smiled.
“No problem. Hey, if Spencer’s serious about not doing Dom stuff anymore, maybe he’ll let you get a platonic Dom on the side. You know, someone to whip you and order you around before they send you back to him for a good fucking.”
Sometimes
the things Giselle said kind of made me uncomfortable, as well-meaning as she was. I couldn’t imagine Spencer letting me do anything of the sort, and it wasn’t really her business. Overall, though, she was a good friend.
I thanked her again for the loan of the book and headed home.
CHAPTER
NINE
Spencer
Ruefully, she passed me a cup of coffee before sitting down with her own. “That transparent, huh?”
I nodded.
She inhaled the steam rising from her cup and took a sip of coffee before asking, “I know you had a bad experience in your past, but does that really mean you’re gonna give BDSM up forever?”
Her eyes pleaded for
answers. I couldn’t blame her. When I’d first considered the idea that I might be a Dom, I’d wanted to jump straight in with both feet. It had been incredibly frustrating to learn that I needed to master my techniques with the tools of BDSM before it would be safe to use them on another human being. I’d held back with an effort, taking the introductory Dom class a friend had recommended and practising for countless hours at home, on pillows, before allowing myself a scene with the submissive girl who’d caught my eye.
I
’d known my patience would pay off and had a good reason behind it. Alex was floundering in the dark, being told ‘no’ but not the reason for it. And now she’d found out about submission, vanilla sex would have that tinge of ‘what if…?’ to it until she found out what she was missing.
Would I
lose her if I denied her a taste? Maybe she wouldn’t crave it as much as she thought she would, and we could stay within the realms of vanilla-with-sprinkles once she figured it out.
It was against my own better judgement, but I was desperate to hang on to her. If
I refused to Dom her, she’d try to stick it out, but eventually leave. That writing on the wall was in mile-high letters.
If I gave her a session, the novelty might wear off. Submission would lose its forbidden mystique and she
’d be happier doing without. Happier than if I wouldn’t give her anything at all, at least.
I wasn’t convincing myself wit
h the far-fetched argument. The truth was, I wanted a scene with her, too.
“
You want to do this? Really want to?”
She looked over at me, startled by the anger in my voice.
“Yes.”
“
One scene, Alex. Just one, and that’s it.”
She
regarded me hopefully, her face lighting up, but then becoming troubled. “What if I want more than one?”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and spoke as clearly as I could.
“Then I guess we have to go our separate ways.”
She knelt on the floor in front of me, devastated, and put her hands on my knees.
“You don’t mean that. Do you?”
I couldn
’t speak, so I just covered her hands with mine and looked away.
Alex took a long, shuddering breath, as though stealing herself to sign a binding agreement with far-reaching repercussions.
“Okay. One scene.” She paused, then added, “But I want everything you’d give an experienced submissive. No breaking me in gently if we’re not working up to anything more serious.”
I stared at her. She was absolutely determined on that point; I could tell. There was no point disputing it because she wouldn
’t give an inch.
“
Then I’m gonna need a lot of information from you beforehand, pretty girl. I’m talking an entire Internet checklist. And then we’re gonna have to talk about what you meant when you checked a few of the boxes.”
A flash of irritation crossed her face before she smoothed her expression out.
“You’re being over-protective, Spencer.”
I leaned down and took her face in both hands. Not as gentle as I would have
usually been with her; I wanted to make sure I had her full attention. “No. I’m not. There are two ways to do this right. One is to introduce things a little at a time, over days or weeks or even months, and to get you used to them bit by bit. That’s the way I’d usually do this with a novice sub, but I…can’t.”
“
I want you to.”
“
It would break me, Alex.” I almost winced at the harshness in my voice. “I’m sorry, I really am. Don’t ask me to do this.”
She swallowed, then nodded.
“What’s the other way?”
“
We figure out what happens beforehand together. No surprises for either of us.” Yeah, like that worked on that last night with Kristin, a sardonic voice at the back of my mind reminded me.
“
If that’s the only way you’ll agree to a full-on scene, then that’s what we’ll do. When?” Instead of the anticipation I’d expected she’d have, her face was sad, her voice dispirited. It only solidified the feeling that I was about to fuck up again. Why couldn’t I shake this?
“
I’ll get the checklist for you tomorrow. Maybe the weekend?” Four days. That was the length of time I had before I either lost her completely or sowed the seeds that would lead to her seeking out another Dom.
Alex laid her head against my knee, though whether she was seeking comfort or giving it, I wasn
’t sure. “Thank you, Spencer.”
I stroked her hair, the motion so familiar. I used to do this to Kristin all the time. Not just her, either. It was such an easy way to show a sub that you cared.
She gazed up at me with a small, hazy smile, as though kneeling before me had put her into the right headspace straight off. God, she was perfect.
Before I knew what I was doing, I tightened my hand in her hair, dragging her head slowly but firmly back, leaning forward to make sure I had all of her attention.
She shivered, her lips parting slightly.
I was lost.
“Just one tiny taste now?” she pleaded. “I can tell you want it.”
I sighed, but couldn
’t make myself release her hair. “I’m not your damn Dom, pretty girl. I can’t be.” Even though the words were harsh, my tone lacked force.
She wilted like a flower in a darkened room.
“I trust you,” she murmured. “Can’t you trust me?”
My cock was at direct odds with the rest of me, insistently pushing against my jeans. She noticed, slipped a hand between my legs to rub the aching ridge, and I bit back a groan.
“I’ve heard friends talk about being spanked and tied to the bed without any reference to BDSM at all. Surely those things are safe?”
The mental images and the stimulation were too much to resist. Something snapped inside me, and I tugged more firmly on her hair.
“If you want this, really want it now, put your hands behind your back, pretty girl.”
Immediately, she sat up straighter, removed her hand
from my lap and did as I’d commanded. The instant obedience made me feel like the king of the world. I was fucking doomed.
I stood up.
“Follow me.” As soon as she began to rise from her knees, I added, “Crawl.”
She shot a startled glance up into my face, then lowered her head and got onto her hands and knees. I walked steadily through to the bedroom, not looking at her, knowing the way she moved would undo me.
Alex
I crawled after Spencer, my every sense on full alert. I couldn
’t believe I’d actually gotten him to agree to this, after his total refusal just a few minutes ago.
Guess sexual arousal really does cloud the mind. Or maybe now I know about the Dom part of him, he’s starting to let his guard down.
Please let that be it.
I put those thoughts to the back of my mind and concentrated on the moment. I couldn’t wait to find out what he had in store for me.
He came to a stop beside his bed, and I resumed my kneeling position, assuming that was what a good submissive would do in a situation like this. Spencer didn
’t comment, just pulled out a box from underneath the bed and opened it. From my spot a few feet away, I couldn’t make out much of what was in it, but I was dying to find out.
“
While you’re waiting for me to get this ready, stand up and strip. Completely naked.” He glanced over only for long enough to check I was following the order, then returned his attention to the box.
Should I call him
‘Sir’? Would that freak him out, remind him that he didn’t want to be a Dom anymore? I wanted to show my deference to him but didn’t dare do anything that might ruin the scene. With clumsy fingers, I wriggled out of my clothing and set it aside, then resumed my kneeling position.
Spencer had set a few things on the edge of the bed, and was now kicking the box back into its usual place. What else did he have in there?
“Good girl.” I flushed at the praise, unable to keep myself from smiling, but didn’t answer.
“
Have you read about safewords?” he asked, turning to face me.
“
Yes, Sir.” It just slipped out, despite my anxiety. Thank God he didn’t seem bothered by the title.
“
I’ve always used traffic signals. Red to stop completely, and yellow to slow down. Does that work for you?”
“
It does, Sir.” I committed the words to memory, though I was sure I wouldn’t need either of them.
He commanded me up onto my feet again.
“You said you wanted to be spanked. Were you thinking with my hand, or with something else?”
I was slightly disappointed that he was letting me decide, but chose not to let it show.
“Your hand to start, Sir, if that’s okay.”
Spencer
’s eyes were predatory in a way that sent a thrill of anticipation through me. “That sounds pretty good to me. But first I have something else to do to you.”
He picked up a coil of rope and handed it to me.
“Unwind this for me.”
I took it carefully. It was rougher than I
’d expected, and not dyed at all. I hadn’t realised people used rope like this in the bedroom.
The coil
almost looked braided, but was easy to undo—once I got the first bit unravelled I could shake the rest out easily. I wondered if this way of storing rope was Spencer’s little quirk, or whether all Doms did it this way.
He took the rope from me and doubled it up, then began to place knots in it at regular intervals while I waited, my hands behind my back. It took him only a minute or two to finish, and then he pla
ced the top loop around my neck, with the first knot starting at my sternum.
“
Legs apart,” he told me.
I immediately widened my stance.
Ignoring the rope for a moment, he slipped his fingers between my thighs, rubbing lightly, coating his skin with my arousal and catching my clit teasingly a couple of times. I made a tiny noise of encouragement, but he removed his hand, leaving me wanting.
I watched with fascination as he threaded the knotted rope
between my legs. He then turned me so he could drag it up my back and secure it to itself where it rested against the nape of my neck. At his touch, I lowered my head to give him better access, shivering when the rope tightened and rubbed gently against my labia.
“
How does that feel?” he asked, as his touch fell away from my neck.
“
Amazing, Sir.” I felt a little lightheaded, but not in the same way I would if I were sick. Was this subspace? It couldn’t be—it was too subtle. From what I’d read, subspace was more all-encompassing than this.
To my surprise, Spencer picked up more rope, and now I saw what the knots he
’d put in the first piece were for. He anchored the doubled-up second piece to the end of the first, then used the two ends, one on either side of me, to pull apart the rope between the knots, creating pretty diamond shapes. Completely enthralled, I let him turn and tie me, following his quiet instructions to raise my arms, or lower them, or face away from him, or turn back, until I had diamonds running all the way from my sternum to my mound and, I assumed, all the way down my back too.
Then he did something to the rope between my legs that pulled the two strands apart, and with them, my labia. I gasped as the cool air landed directly on my clit, my head falling farther forward.
“Oh…my God…”
Spencer
’s soft laughter was pure mischief. “I figured you’d like that.”
He tied off the rope somehow, each adjustment he made
sending a new tingle through my pussy, then stepped back to look at me. “It’s been a while, so I’m out of practice, but this will do for now.”
This was his
‘out of practice’ attempt? It was unbelievable. “Sir…”
As though
I’d shaken some of his doubts, he grabbed me by one of the loops of rope, tugged me forward and kissed me hard without releasing his hold. The rope tightened, making my labia part even more, and I had the crazy sense that I’d start dripping on the floor if this went on for much longer.
Finally ending the kiss, leaving me trembling, he told me,
“Fuck, you have no idea what you do to me, tied like this.”