Not Your Damn Dom (Denial #2) (21 page)

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Spencer

Callum found me pacing the gym. Somehow it didn
’t seem right to be taking this out on my punching bag, though I wasn’t quite sure what was holding me back.

He told me to unlock my dungeon and that we
’d drink in there. I was far from enthusiastic, but I did as he said. He was the man with the whiskey, and if I couldn’t stop myself from fucking up with my woman, I might as well get mashed.

“
Come on, Spence. Will you think about this logically? Of course she wants to submit and be hit. She’s a subbie masochist and she knows you’re hiding a Dominant sadist somewhere in there.” Callum passed me the booze.

I took a big swallow of Scotch and relished the burn.
“I just want to keep her safe.”

“
From you?” he asked, taking the bottle back.

I nodded, walking over to the rack and running my hand over the cushioned bench of it.

“That’s not what she wants, is it? Or what she needs.”

“
I’m fuckin’ scared,” I admitted. “And I’ll kill you if you tell anyone that.”

Callum sighed.
“We’ve been over this a million times, Spence, and it never sinks into that thick skull you have. Kristin’s breakdown wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t her fault either. It was just bad luck that she had repressed memories that came out during a scene she wanted. You won’t hurt Alex the same way.”

My jaw was so tight that it ached. I went back over to Callum and held my hand out for the Scotch.

“I’m gonna call her.”

I scowled.
“Don’t. She needs some time to herself. She said that. Gimme the bottle.”

“
Not Alex. Kristin.”

I stared at him, my whole body going taut.
“You know how to reach her? And you didn’t tell me?”

“
Kat found her. Earlier in the week.”

“
What?” I exploded. “Did you put her up to it? Does Alex know? What the fuck is this, Callum?”

I didn
’t realise I had a hand on him until he was pinned to the wall. He just stared at me, one alpha male to another. I was stronger than him, could wipe the floor with him and we both knew it. He also seemed to be confident I wouldn’t do it, which was pretty fucking optimistic of him.

I released him because I didn
’t want to break the bottle he was still holding and stepped away. “Talk.”

“
She did it on her own after I sent her round to give aftercare to
your
submissive. It’s pretty clear your past is making you think irrationally, and she didn’t want to see Alex or you hurting. She talked to Giselle, who talked to someone else, and someone eventually on the sub grapevine was still in touch with Kristin. She’s in LA right now.”

That was like cold water in the face. I couldn
’t even process it. “She’s here.”

“
Yup.”

“
In Los Angeles.”

“
Yup.”

“
I’m gonna murder your sub—”

Pain blossomed in my jaw and my head whipped back. It took me a moment to realise Callum had socked me one. When I looked at him again, his eyes were ice, his entire body rigid.
“You don’t fuck with Kat. Ever. Am I clear?”

I sank down on the top of the spanking bench, touching my jaw gingerly.
“I didn’t mean it, Cal.”

“
I know.” He held the bottle out to me, his expression softening. “That’s why I didn’t rip your balls off.”

We both grinned at that, and I took another long swig of Scotch.

“Have you seen her?”

“
No. Didn’t wanna lose my temper and scare her off before you guys had the chance to talk.”

I made a face.
“Thought you said it wasn’t her fault?”

“
I said what happened during your scene wasn’t her fault. Her treating you like a criminal afterwards was entirely her fault.” He shook his head. “As I’ve said to you over and over again. Don’t you listen to me when I talk?”

“
Depends how full the bottle is.”

“
Hmm. Speaking of which, if you want to be in any state to make amends with Alex tomorrow, you’ve had enough.” He reached out for the Scotch.

I took one more swig just to prove I could, then handed it over.

“I don’t know what I’m gonna say to her.”

“
Kristin, or Alex?”

“
Both.” I looked over at him. “And I’m guessing it’d be relationship suicide to go see Kristin without telling Alex first.”

Callum winced.
“Yeah. Even if your intentions are pure, women hate that shit. Then again, if Kat went to see some old flame without telling me, I’d be pretty fucked off too.”

I sighed.
“God knows what I’m gonna say to Alex. I mean, I’m just trying to protect her but she’s making it all about her, like she’s not good enough as a sub or something.”

Callum rolled his eyes.
“Meanwhile, over here, you’re making it all about you.”

I took a moment to process that, then growled,
“Who made you fuckin’ Doctor Laura all of a sudden?”

“
Trust me, it’s easier to see when you’re on the outside, bud.”

He clapped me on the shoulder.
“Just be honest, okay? And let me know when you’re ready to see Kristin.”

I still couldn
’t process that I was gonna see her after all this time. Where the fuck had she been hiding? Was she here to twist the knife a few more times?

“
Need me to stay for a bit, old man? Maybe help you up the stairs?” he ribbed gently.

“
Go the fuck home to your perfect fucking relationship and let me sleep this off.” Maybe I was a little bitter.

“
Just promise me you won’t run off to the cabin and stay away for nearly two goddamn years this time.”

“
Yeah, yeah.” I waved him off. “As if I could drive.”

“
Bye, Spence.”

Alone, I stretched out on the floor of the dungeon, too apathetic to move for the moment. Kristin was here. After three years of nothing, she was here. Was she herself again, or still the stranger she
’d become after our last scene had gone wrong?

If she asked me to take her back, would I?

At one time, it had been all I’d ever wanted. There had been a time I’d thought we’d be together forever, and after she’d left I’d mourned that future we’d lost like crazy.

Alex, though
… Since she’d come into my life she’d made me realise things with Kristin hadn’t always been ideal. And things with Alex might be complicated, but she made me feel like the centre of her universe and her equal at the same time. She was foul-mouthed and dirty-minded and made me laugh when I was determined not to, and I couldn’t live without her.

* * * *

Alex

I spent part of my evening staring at the script for Owen and Dane’s D/s movie, wishing I’d taken the role when it had been offered to me. It was as close as I was going to get to submission while I was in a relationship with Spencer—that much seemed plain to me now.

I hadn
’t really thought Giselle’s suggestion would work, but it had been something to try. Now I had no options left. I had to either choose Spencer as he was—repressed and vanilla—or leave him and go after the kind of relationship I so dearly wanted.

Our relationship had been great until I
’d realised I was into this stuff. I’d been constantly surprised by the creative turns he took when it came to sex, and outside of it he’d been loving, warm, easy to be with—sometimes a little unreadable, but nothing I couldn’t ignore to focus on the positives.

Now the veil had been pulled from my eyes, I understood. The sexual creativity came from his Dom side
—he’d been expressing it to the only degree he’d allow himself now. We could go back to that, but every time he came up with some new game we’d both know where it came from. I’d have to pretend I was content with vanilla, and he’d be pretending too, and how were we supposed to go forward from here?

I loved him, but love alone wasn
’t enough if all I was doing was running up against the same brick wall. He didn’t trust me. He hadn’t denied it. He hadn’t said much of anything at all, which seemed to be his standard response to this whole issue.

I didn
’t tell Tobias about my argument with Spencer, and put on my happy face as we ate dinner together, but we’d known each other for years and I obviously wasn’t fooling him. Rather than discuss it with him, I asked him to distract me with news of his life. He’d been spending so much time at his current boyfriend’s place that I got the impression it was serious.

Deciding to get an early night when Tobias
’ phone rang and his face lit up, I went upstairs to my room and curled around my pillow. I had a text message from Callum asking if I was okay—Spencer must have told him about our fight.

I sent him a quick message to reassure him I wasn
’t planning to do anything drastic, then switched off my phone. At least that way, I could pretend Spencer was trying to reach me and just couldn’t get through.

* * * *

Alex

I woke up early and decided to go for a run around the nearby park rather than let my thoughts run circles in my mind. Music blasting in my ears, I jogged the couple of blocks over there and increased my pace when I reached the park, pushing myself. Despite the heavy bass thundering from my earbuds into my head, my brain wouldn’t switch off.

A
hand caught my arm, and I shied instinctively away from the contact, pulling out my earbuds with one tug of the wire connecting them to my iPod.

“
It’s okay. Just me.” Spencer kept pace beside me.

Torn between throwing myself into his arms and accelerating to leave him behind, I settled on just running without speaking. He seemed fine with that, running beside me until I finished my current circuit and slowed to a walk.

Neither of us said anything on the way back to my place, though the tension between us was difficult to ignore. The silence stretched on as we both shed our muddy sneakers in the entryway and went through to the living room. If he didn’t speak soon, I was going to scream. What was he doing here, if he didn’t have anything to say?

“
I need to shower. What do you want?”

“
I want to hold you while you shower.”

I scowled—did he really think he could pretend nothing had happened last night?—but before
I could say anything, he held up his hand. “Just hold you. Nothing else.”

I blinked, really looking at him for the first time since he
’d appeared at my side. His expression was devoid of flirtation or lust, but there was a need in him I couldn’t deny. He needed
me
.

Even though I was conflicted and angry and anxious about our future together, this was more important. I took his hand and led him upstairs.

As the water warmed, I stripped off my own clothing without looking at him, as quickly as I would have if I’d been alone. He did the same and followed me into the shower cubicle, reaching for me before the door shut.

The water fell over us as he held me, my cheek pressed against his chest, his arms tight around my waist. The skin to skin contact was comforting, and despite myself I began to relax.

“I don’t understand,” I said quietly. The cubicle amplified my voice nevertheless. “What is this?”

“
Fucked if I know.” The typical Spencer response made me smile despite myself. “But we both need this.”

I closed my eyes and held him in return. No matter how much we disagreed on the way our relationship should go, I always felt safe in his arms.

“I love you,” I told him, fighting the tingle in my nose that always came before I cried. “I hate us not being okay.”

“Me too.” He spoke against my hair, his voice slightly muffled. “But we’re not.”

At least he wasn’t pretending our being naked together meant we were fine.

“
How do we fix it?” My chest ached. I didn’t know, and if he didn’t have any idea either…

“
I have an idea that might help a little.”

I pulled back to look at him. Hope and doubt were both in his expression, fighting for the upper hand.

“Tell me.”

“When we’re done in here.” He kissed my forehead, then reached for the soap. “Don’t worry. I’m not trying to seduce you. We just need to get clean.”

He soaped up his hands and started washing his own body, respecting boundaries I wasn’t even sure were there anymore. My heart wrenched. Any other guy would have taken advantage, tried to screw their way back into my good books.