Not Alone: Trusting God to Help You Raise Godly Kids in a Spiritually Mismatched Home (6 page)

PROVERBS 22:6,
KJV

“Lord, I want a baby.” I clearly remember uttering these words with an uncertain voice. As I whispered that sentence, little did I know that it would be the beginning of a miracle. At the time, three years had passed since I’d married my husband, Mike. Following our wedding he and I settled into a nice home, applied ourselves to our careers and would have been considered by anyone looking in at us a happy couple. However, we wanted a child of our own, and after nearly three years of hoping accompanied by monthly disappointment, we were yet to have a baby. Our infertility was creating a strain in our relationship. I began to blame myself for this barrenness.

It was out of my fear and pain that I whispered this desperate prayer. It was the first prayer I’d spoken since my prodigal journey had begun more than seven years earlier.

In my desperate state of mind, I finally thought about talking to the Lord. I went to my bedroom, shut the door, walked to the far side of my bed and actually kneeled to pray. I felt strange on my knees, but I finally arrived at “that place.” You know, “that place” where we completely reach the end of ourselves and our self-effort. Mike and I could not conceive. And I was not able to take on the scary world of fertility treatments, since as a woman no longer in prime childbearing years, I was an unlikely candidate. Our next step, it appeared, was to give up hope and resign ourselves to the fact that we would never have a child.

Leaning on the bed, I hesitantly folded my hands and began pouring out my heart in a way I’d never prayed before. My prodigal years of wandering had taken me far away from the once-comfortable place where as a child I had spoken easily and freely to Jesus. As I prayed, tears began to brim. “Lord, I want a baby. I’ve been unable to have one, and I am desperate to conceive a child with my husband. Lord, will You please give me this gift? Will You please share Your kind favor and grant me a child?”

I continued to pray, but as I think back to that day, I recognize now how selfish my words were. I spoke them, however, from a true place in my heart. As I pleaded with God and laid out my reasons for asking Him for a child, I promised to recommit myself to Him. And then something began to happen.

I stopped speaking, and with my eyes closed I felt a slow, warm, tingly wave flow over me. It felt something like warm honey pouring over my head and slowly making its way down to cover the rest of my body.

A profound feeling of peace and love covered me as the wave continued. It washed gently, slowly, over me, and I felt the presence of Someone on my right side. Joy filled me. The frantic need to pray for a baby ceased in that moment. I remember smiling, a smile big and full. I opened my eyes and glanced over my shoulder. No one was there, but the peace and assurance that my prayer had been heard pervaded every pore of my body.

Now, I kid you not, all my anxiety instantly disappeared, and two weeks later a pregnancy test confirmed my deepest hope. We were pregnant.

I hesitate to share this story, because I know that many of you may have struggled with your own infertility, and God has not answered your prayers in this way. What I experienced that day while kneeling by the bed I have yet to experience again. However, if the story of my daughter’s beginning isn’t told in this book about parenting, I would rob the Lord of great glory and honor. It was God who answered the prayer of a young woman who scarcely had enough faith to pray.

God honored my weak faith, and over the years I have grown in my trust in the Lord through my marriage and through parenting struggles. I can tell you that God is intentional and that He uses life’s difficulties to draw us closer to Him.

Nine months after my prayer, a six-pound, eleven-ounce baby girl, Caitlin Joy Donovan, arrived in our world. We call her Caitie. It was new-baby bliss. All four days of it. Then all hell broke loose in the Donovan house. (Can I say that in a Christian book?) Well, that is what it felt like.

Four days home from the hospital, and our little cherub decided that she didn’t like this world. She began to fuss, cry and scream until she turned bright red and remained inconsolable. This little girl-child had developed colic. Her tiny tummy hurt all the time and specifically every afternoon and evening—from 4
P.M.
to one in the morning. Out of her tiny body came ear-piercing shrieks that could have competed with the passion of a classically trained opera singer.

I paced the floor holding her. She cried. I rocked her. She cried. I bounced her. She cried louder. I looked at her and prayed. Then I cried. Then Dad took a turn. The only solace for two frazzled parents was to strap our darling baby into her vibrating bouncy chair, fasten the chair to the dryer, turn the dryer on, and then hope and pray that Caitie would feel better. She seemed to like the dryer. Go figure. Sometimes she would sleep for an hour, sometimes a little more, but the fleeting moments of peace were not nearly long enough. Then all three of us were back to walking, bouncing, crying and praying. Finally, around one
A.M.
, exhaustion overtook the three of us, and we fell into bed, nearly comatose.

Sheesh!

God has a strange sense of humor. I remember asking myself,
Is this a test? Is God asking if we were absolutely certain that we wanted this child for whom I’d prayed?
Of course we did—minus the wailing! Thank you very much.

And then it happened. After five long months, this boisterous infant woke up one day, and her crying had ceased. At least for the time being. Little did I know about the teen years, the hormones, and the tears that awaited us down the road. Tears are a definite part of our mothering journey. We will shed tears of joy, sadness, disappointment and elation for our children throughout their entire lives. That’s who we are as a mom.

The next time I distinctly remember shedding tears over my daughter was right before we were to enroll her in kindergarten. One hot summer morning, I sat in the kitchen with my husband, sipping coffee and pondering upon our baby girl. Now five, she would start school in a few months. I had always assumed we would send our daughter to the faith-based, private school near our home, mainly because up until that point, my husband had been pleased with my decisions regarding childcare and had rarely had anything to say about my choices in the matter. I bet you know where this is going.

I spoke to my husband over my steaming cup and casually broached the subject of registering our daughter at the private school. To my complete surprise, I was broadsided by an emotionally charged and unforeseen response.

“I don’t want my daughter attending private school. I want her in public school,” my husband stated, flatly and firmly. Translation: “Our child is not going to a religious school.”

I lowered my cup. I can assure you, my husband was staring across the table at a woman who resembled a deer in headlights. I fidgeted with the tablecloth, trying to conceal my astonishment. His words stung and hung thick in the air, purposeful and resolute.

Shaken but not down for the count, I quickly gathered my wits and set out to help him see the error of his thinking. I laid out every conceivable benefit of private school. I worked my position to convince him of the substantial value of a private education. After all, I was certain it was the best and most obvious choice of education for our girl. I conveniently omitted the spiritual element from the conversation. I saw no need to go down that path if I wanted to win this argument. My true motive, of course, was my desire to give our daughter spiritual training, but I knew that desire would rub my husband the wrong way.

My logic was flawless. I was certain he would cave to my clever and convincing reasoning. He would have none of it.

Our conversation ended. I relented, but grudgingly, knowing it was the right thing to do for our marriage. A few days later, the Lord brought
that
verse to my attention. You know
that
verse. It can make a wife cringe:

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything (Eph. 5:22-24).

So I let go of my desire and gave in to my husband’s.

I didn’t like it. Not one little bit. But the Lord truly knows what’s best, and He reminded me that my obedience to His Word honors Him and opens a door for the Holy Spirit to work in my husband.

For weeks following this exchange, I couldn’t shake my fear over my daughter’s spiritual future. I worried,
Will she grow up to love Jesus?
For the first time I contemplated the dreaded question that all believing parents who live in a mismatched home ask: Is it possible to raise children in a home in which Daddy doesn’t believe in Jesus? Would living in this home sacrifice my child’s eternity?

As believers in Christ and as mothers, our thoughts and prayers for our children’s eternity consume many hours. We fret over our children’s future. We pray from a mother’s earnest heart for our kids to know God. We beg the Lord to cement their salvation. And in the back of our minds, we are desperate to find a way to teach our kids about Christ as well as to maintain peace in our marriage. It can appear at times that this is an impossible mission.

However, over my many years of walking with the Lord, I have discovered a few truths. It
is
possible to raise kids to believe in Jesus even when Dad doesn’t believe. You, as the believing parent, can help your children find and follow Jesus. These truths are trustworthy and true; you
can
raise godly children, even in a spiritually mismatched home.

Where to Start

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul
and with all your mind and with all your strength.

MARK 12:30

The most powerful thing we can do to help our children love Jesus is to love Jesus ourselves. When we love Jesus the way Mark describes in the verse above with our entire heart, soul, mind and strength, our love for Christ becomes infectious. In fact, that kind of love is ultimately irresistible.

When the love of God completely fills our hearts, it will seep out through our ordinary, daily living in subtle yet effective ways, thereby impacting our children. I have found this to be particularly true with regard to menial tasks. Cooking dinner, helping my kids with homework and driving a child to a soccer game are examples that spring to mind. Our children possess extremely watchful eyes. They perceive and analyze the adults around them. They scrutinize their parents’ behavior and motives, determining if what Mom says on Sunday morning is lived out during the week. This can be a frightening thought or one that empowers.

Be empowered, my fellow mom.

Sit with the Lord daily. Pray and simply linger in the lavish love of our Savior. Pour over His holy Word. Take comfort in His promises. Out of your love relationship with God, your prayer time and your reading of His Word, your children are affected for the Kingdom. How do I know this? Because God has told us so in a very personal and powerful way in His holy Word.

Not Alone

One verse in particular gives me the greatest comfort as a mother. What is utterly fantastic about this passage is that it is written specifically for those of us who live in a spiritually mismatched home. I’m humbled and thankful to realize that God
knew
thousands of years ago that there would be marriages such as ours. What relief and freedom this truth brings to my heart. Read it with me from
THE MESSAGE
translation:

For the rest of you who are in mixed marriages— Christian married to non-Christian—we have no explicit command from the Master. So this is what you must do. If you are a man with a wife who is not a believer but who still wants to live with you, hold on to her. If you are a woman with a husband who is not a believer but he wants to live with you, hold on to him. The unbelieving husband shares to an extent in the holiness of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is likewise touched by the holiness of her husband. Otherwise, your children would be left out; as it is,
they also are included in the spiritual purposes of God
(1 Cor. 7:12-14,
THE MESSAGE
, emphasis added).

I’m learning that when we as believers love Jesus and walk in the power and presence of the Holy Spirit, we impact our environment. And, in fact, we bring God’s will and purposes into our lives and into the lives of our children. The living presence of God within us becomes so powerful that, Paul tells us, through the believing spouse every member in the home is sanctified. The living presence of God is so contagious, so powerful, that it creates an umbrella of safety over anyone who comes into that environment.

My friends, we as believers are uniquely positioned to release the purposes, the love and the very power of God into our children’s lives. Our kids are then included in God’s plans for their lives. They are sanctified—set apart as holy unto the Lord. They belong to the Lord. When we grasp this truth, praying with faith through the Holy Spirit for our kids, we need not live in fear for their salvation. Our love, our example, our Jesus is always enough. I believe this promise for my children’s future and for their eternity.

Train Them Up

Several days following the “Kitchen Table Debacle,” as I have come to call it, I sat down at a local restaurant for breakfast with a new friend. I had met Jenny the week prior at our church Bible study. She was a tad bit older than I was, and a lot wiser. She and I clicked from the start. I remember pouring out my fears about my daughter’s salvation while Jenny listened. After hearing my story, she said something to me that I will never forget. She gave me a Scripture verse:

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it (Prov. 22:6,
KJV).

Jenny looked across the table, gently holding me in her eyes. She patted my hand and said, “Lynn, you do the best you can to train your daughter and then you trust the Lord to keep His promise.”