None of the Regular Rules (11 page)

Even though I knew he was an expert flirt, I felt special when Johnny lightly tugged at my left hand with his right and pulled me up the hill. I forgot what we were doing, and focused only on the way his fingers wrapped around mine—his index and middle finger were looped around my pinkie and ring finger. His hands were colder than I would have expected, and I wondered if maybe I’d been wrong about his chest. I almost reached out to touch the skin that wrapped around his shoulder blade and ran down his back to the top of his shorts. But instead of touching, I let my eyes go there—and then immediately regretted it.

My stomach knotted and my heart sped up, and that’s when reality hit. I dropped Johnny’s hand, wondering how I could have let myself get sucked into something so stupid. I wasn’t going to be his girlfriend, and I certainly wasn’t going to let him convince me to jump. “It’s almost dark,” I said, knowing how weak it sounded. “It’s cold.” I stopped walking up the trail, but he didn’t notice right away.

When he finally looked back, I was at least fifteen steps behind him. That distance was enough that I could hold onto my wits and say again, “I can’t jump in the dark.”

“It’s not dark,” he scoffed, then stepped back down the hill. He stopped right in front of me and put his hands on his hips. “You’re just making excuses.”

That was true. “No, I’m not,” I insisted. “I can’t do it today.”

“Then when?” he teased. “I’ll hold your hand. It won’t be scary, I promise.”

Holding your hand, or jumping?
I wondered. Both sounded scary. “I don’t know…” I said, my resolve wavering.

“If you really don’t want to do it,” Johnny said, his hand outstretched, urging me up the hill. But his words were calming, absent of any pressure. “I’m not going to make you. It’s your call. Your life.”

There it was. My out. I could just turn around and tromp back down the hill. But then I thought about the list, which was still in my pocket, and how I’d made promises to myself to go for things. To try. To let myself take risks, even if it meant failing. “Okay,” I said finally, grinning. “I’ll try.”

Then I took Johnny’s hand, still outstretched for me, and climbed.

CHAPTER
TWELVE

We stood at the top of the precipice, both of us peering down at the water below. I couldn’t focus on anything below me, except the distance we were from the water. It felt farther from way up high. Surely this couldn’t be safe.

I swallowed and tried to focus on something other than the water. That’s when I noticed that our feet, both bare, were almost touching. Johnny’s toes were wiggling, so I wiggled mine and paid careful attention to the way the ground felt under my feet. Tiny grits of sand and larger stones mingled and poked at my soles.

“Ready?” Johnny’s voice was a welcome distraction. I looked over, and almost said yes simply because of the adorable smile that was splashed across his face.

“Not yet,” I whispered. “Give me a minute.”

“Take as long as you like,” he said, and settled in to sit on the ground with his legs dangling off the edge. “Want to sit?” He patted the rocks and I sat, but farther back, where there was no risk falling off the edge. I’d cast my jeans aside back at the beach, intending to jump in my swimsuit and T-shirt—so now the stones poked into the skin on my thighs. I shifted, trying to find a more comfortable position. “You can sit on this if you want.” Johnny reached back and grabbed his shirt from where he’d flung it to the ground, before his first jump.

“Thanks,” I said. I spread his shirt out under my rear end and thighs. I grew self-conscious, thinking about him putting the shirt back on later, after I’d been sitting on it. It felt intimate, somehow. Wrong. Of course, thinking about my legs and Johnny’s chest together in the same mental image made me even more uncomfortable so I squirmed and tried to think about the jump again. I knew it was probably best if I just got it out of the way—just went for it, before I could freak myself out.

I stared out at the water, and at the group of people on shore. I could see Ella talking with Peter, off to the side. They were alone, and she looked happy. It had taken almost four years, but she was finally conversing with him again. I smiled, thinking about how carefully Ella was going to analyze the situation later. I had a feeling we’d be seeing the pink polo and pearls again, since she’d surely assume they were the lucky charm that had made him notice her. It was too bad that she had to dress up as someone other than herself to feel confident enough to talk to him again.

“Any updates?” Johnny asked gently. I could tell he was looking at me. I liked the way I felt when his eyes were trained on me.
It was exciting, and made me feel like I was someone
different
. Even though this was nothing, it felt like something. I wished it
were
something.

“Updates on what?” I asked, meeting his gaze.

He smiled at me. “Sports, the weather, my coffee order….” Johnny laughed. “Did you forget where we are? The jump, obviously. Think we’re going to do this today?”

“Oh. Okay.” I began to stand up, and then got dizzy and sat back down again.

“Whoa—you okay?” He caught me as I swayed back to the ground.

“Vertigo,” I explained sheepishly. “I’m not big on heights. Or dying.” I smiled, embarrassed, even though it was the truth.

He put his arm around my shoulder to steady me, and I was tempted to fake a full-on faint. I wanted him to keep touching me, to wrap his fingers around my shoulder and touch my collarbone. To rub my cheek and maybe even be forced to give me mouth-to-mouth. Do you give mouth-to-mouth when someone faints? I didn’t think so—but he might need to put my head in his lap. I weighed out the pros and cons of fake fainting versus not fainting, and realized it probably wasn’t worth it just to feel his arms around
me
.

“I don’t think this is such a good idea,” he said, pulling his arm away.

“No, I can do it.” I began to stand again, then felt my stomach clench angrily. I was just a wee bit worried the food from the game was going to come up. That would be a surefire way to win him over. “I just need to forget about what I’m doing. I mean, I’m just being chicken, right? The rest of you
just
jumped, and not even one of you died. Not one. I can do this. This is one of those mind-over-matter things—I need to believe in myself, and know that I’m not going to fail, and I’ll be fine. Right?”

Johnny reached out and gently pulled at my arm to lead me further away from the edge of Hanging Rock. “It’s really not that big of a deal,” he said, talking to me slowly, as though I was a crazy person who might reach my chin forward and spit at him if he misspoke. “You’re not a failure if you don’t jump off Hanging Rock,” he said. “You do know that, right?”

“Yes, I know that.” I nearly spat this out, eager to prove to him that I wasn’t actually insane, just dealing with a whole lot of symbolism. Fantastic. Now I looked both crazy and angry. I bet that was sexy. “I just
want
to do it.”

He grinned. “I’m not sure
I
want to jump anymore. You’re looking a little worse for the wear. Jumping off Hanging Rock is supposed to be fun. Not torture. Maybe we could come back another time and try again.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. It’s not like my social calendar is bursting with obligations.” He paused, and it was obvious he realized it sounded like he was willing to hang out with me only because he had nothing better to do. “I mean, I’d
like
to come back and hang out with you again, while you move your mind over the matter. It’s entertaining, watching you creep toward the edge like a little crab. And I really do have plenty of time, with not a lot to do.”

“Until Mackenzie comes home,” I said, wondering why I had to bring his girlfriend into the scene. “Obviously.”

“Obviously,” he agreed.

“Okay,” I said reluctantly. “We’ll give up for today, but you have to promise that you’ll make me come back.”

“I will make you come back,” Johnny agreed. He squinted his eyes as he looked at me, and I could tell he had something more to say.

“What?” I asked. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

He shrugged. “It’s just that…nothing. It’s nothing.”

“Really, what?”

I wasn’t positive, but I think he might have blushed. “I was going to say something really stupid.”

“You can’t say that and then not
say
it.” I put my hands on my hips.

“You’ve always just seemed so much more…
ballsy
, or something.” He grinned. “With that snazzy pink streak in your hair, and the way you walk through the halls at school all—” He held his chest and shoulders high and pushed his lips out in a silly little expression. “You know.”
             

“No,” I said, eyes open wide. “I don’t know. Do I really look like that? Like a twentieth-century schoolmarm?”

“No!” He said, laughing. “You look cute, it’s just—” He broke off just as I realized he’d called me cute. I was also realizing that he’d noticed me before. That he’d paid attention to me, and looked long enough to have formed an opinion of me. Not a flattering opinion, but an opinion nonetheless. “You always seemed so self-assured, and I think it’s nice that I’m seeing some of the chinks in the armor. It’s going to be fun hanging out with you this year, Sophie. That’s all.”

I swallowed, my mouth suddenly dry and uncomfortable. If it was anyone other than Johnny Rush sitting next to me, I’d let myself get my hopes up. I would let myself think that the things he was saying meant something, but I knew I’d be misleading myself if I let myself th
ink his comments meant anything.
“Yeah,” I agreed. “I’m glad we’re getting to be friends.”

CHAPTER
THIRTEEN

Johnny kept his promise and took me back to Hanging Rock several times over the next couple of weeks. We went four and a half times before the weather turned colder—the half attempt was on the day the first fall frost lingered like icy cobwebs across my front yard in the morning. The air warmed up as the day went on, but I knew I would very probably die of frostbite in the instant my toes hit the water if I jumped. So we never even made it up to the ledge that day—but it counted as a partial attempt because we drove all the way there.

In those weeks, we grew closer—as friends, of course, since Mackenzie always managed to call or text Johnny whenever I let myself start to forget she was lurking there in the background. I still found him impossibly sexy, but I also just liked being with him. So I hung out with him whenever I could. We would often sit down by the lake talking, or check on my pumpkins, which had continued to get fatter. One day we picked one and carved it, then roasted the seeds and ate them up at Hanging Rock. Many days, and at random times on the weekends, I’d hang out with Johnny out in the yard or down by the beach instead of going inside to read or study. I knew nothing could ever come of it, but I liked hanging out with him so much that I took any chance to be near him that I could get.

Meanwhile, Ella had begun spending a lot more of her time with someone completely unexpected: my locker neighbor, Andy Eisenberg. She was always going on about how annoying Andy was, but I thought their interaction seemed a lot more like flirty banter. She’d begun to come by my locker after almost every class, which would be totally unnecessary if she
wasn’t
just a little bit intrigued by him. But she still insisted she was interested in Peter Martinson and Peter Martinson alone. At least she and Peter had started to speak to each other after that night at Hanging Rock, but I still thought it was a bad match. Especially when I found out that Peter had complimented Ella on how nice she looked in “normal” clothes and suggested she wear them more often.

Luckily, Ella would have less time to obsess over Peter since she had gotten a spot in the chorus for the school musical, which would keep her busy and distracted. When the list went up a few weeks after the auditions and Ella’s name was on the list of understudies and background characters, Ella had groaned and said, “I thought the audition would be a few quick minutes of embarrassment. This is terrible!”

She couldn’t stop talking about how inconvenienced she was by her spot in the chorus. Even, or maybe especially, around Andy, who had been cast in one of the lead roles. I knew that even though she was griping about it, she was probably pretty excited. She’d never been much of a joiner, and she and I knew this was the best possible activity for her. I was also sort of excited to see what would happen when she was in rehearsal with Andy a few afternoons a week. Maybe she’d finally move on from prickish Peter Martinson.

Because we’d all been busy, we hadn’t made much more progress on Suzy’s list of dares. We had completed numbers two through seven, but we weren’t any closer to starting or finishing anything else. Except Hanging Rock—number one—which was a work in progress.

I knew some of the initial excitement about the list had waned for my friends, but not for me. I still thought about Suzy’s dares every day, and wondered when we’d do the rest of the things on the list. Nothing but good things had come from it: Ella had gotten into the play, I had an amazing new haircut that made me feel much more confident, we’d changed a tire by ourselves…and, of course, I had started hanging out with Johnny. I knew I never would have started hanging out with him if it hadn’t been for the dare to go to his party in the first place.

I loved the list. It was possible I was even a little obsessed with it—which, I reasoned, was understandable. I made a copy of it that I’d taped inside my locker. I had even started to talk to Johnny about how to sneak
out
into the planetarium—
sneaking out (and in)
was the next thing on the list.

But my friends were a different story. Ella had started to roll her eyes when I brought up the other dares, and never seemed to care if we made any further progress. And Grace was spending most of her free time with Ian. When they weren’t together, she’d been madly studying to keep her grades up until college admission letters came. We hadn’t hung out in a while, and I was wondering if maybe we were starting to drift apart. Ella didn’t seem to think as much of Grace’s distance as I did—she reminded me that Grace always seemed to get more and more absorbed in school activities every year—so I tried not to dwell. I was hoping we’d have more time to hang out when the craziness of fall sports and college-application season were over.

Then one Thursday, late in the fall, Grace showed up at my locker before lunch. It was a surprise, only because she usually ate with Ian or had meetings at lunch. Until Ian and every activity under the sun had come into the picture, Grace and Ella and I had eaten together every day. Grace had always said it was her one chance to get away from everything during the day, but I guess Ian served the same purpose when they started dating—so she’d begun to have lunch with him. It wasn’t a big or surprising deal when she ditched us, but it was a big deal when she turned up at my locker again, asking what we were doing for lunch.

“Same as always,” I said, shrugging. Then I realized Grace didn’t really know what
Ella and I
usually did. “We might go to the lunchroom. Or sit outside—it’s not freezing today. We could take a walk.” I looked at Ella and she shrugged. I grabbed a Clif Bar for her, but she’d begun bantering with Andy Eisenberg and didn’t notice.

“Yes, let’s do that,” Grace said quickly. “Let’s go outside. I need to get out of here.” She smiled, as though it would make it less obvious that she was acting strangely.

“Is everything okay with Ian?” I asked, slamming my locker closed.

“Yep,” Grace said hurriedly. “Why?”

“Just that you always eat with him, and today you’re coming out with us. I’m happy to see you, but a little surprised you’re here.”

“Everything’s fine,” she said, tossing her hair over her shoulder. “I don’t need to be with Ian every second of every day.”

“Of course you don’t.” She and I both looked at Ella, who was warring with Andy nearby. They were in a physical battle, her trying to sneak a peek into his locker and him pushing her back. He still insisted there was a hamster in there—well, it wasn’t so much insistence as it was subtle suggestion—and Ella was incredibly bothered by the fact that she didn’t know if he was lying or telling the truth. They both seemed to enjoy the game.

“Are you guys ready yet?” Ella asked, stopping her scuffle with Andy to look at us like she’d been waiting forever. “Let’s get out of here.” I grabbed my coat and started to walk toward the door.

“I’ll let Hammy know you stopped by,” Andy called after us. “He’ll be happy to hear he had visitors.”

Ella rolled her eyes, but she was smiling. I asked, “Do you really think there’s an animal in there?”

“Beats me,” Ella shrugged. “But I can confirm that Andy Eisenberg is bizarre. A total crazy.”

“He’s in a few of my classes,” Grace said sweetly. “He’s really nice, actually. He sometimes breaks out in song when the bell rings. I don’t know if he thinks we’re living in a musical or something, but he seems pretty smart.”

“Except that he’s keeping a rodent in his locker. That’s not smart or nice,” Ella said. Grace looked confused, since she hadn’t been a part of all of the hamster conversations. Ella didn’t take the time to fill her in, which made me realize that she was probably more irritated by Grace’s abandonment than she’d been letting on. “Where do you guys want to go for our walk? Your pick—I forgot my lunch again.” I handed her the Clif Bar. She took it and grinned. “Thanks. I owe you.
Again.
”

“Maybe we could just walk around campus and get caught up?” Grace suggested. “I feel like I haven’t seen you guys much lately. We could hang out after school today. Or this weekend?” She looked at us hopefully.

“What’s going on with Ian?” Both Ella and I asked at the same time.

“Nothing!” She insisted. Then she sighed, and pushed through the front door. The wind whipped through the open doorframe and blew my hair around my face. It was colder than I’d thought it was, but Grace didn’t seem to notice. “It’s just that—well, sometimes I get tired of being with Ian
all
the time. I mean, I love him and everything, but…oh, I don’t know.”

“He’s boring?” Ella prompted.

Grace gave her a look. “No, he’s not boring.”

“Hairy?” Ella said, grinning.

“Stop it.” Grace laughed a little. “Everything is fine. I just miss you guys. I feel like I don’t have time for anything lately, and since I’m always with Ian, I never get to just hang out, you know?”

“What do you and Ian
do
when you hang out?” Ella asked. “Work on Girl Scout merit badges together? I’ve got some suggestions for short cuts, so you have more time to just relax.”

We all laughed. I knew we were all thinking about the year we’d joined Girl Scouts, and Ella had made it her personal mission to earn every one of the easiest merit badges. She’d spent one weekend working on as many of them as she could, doing the absolute minimum she had to in order to earn each badge. Grace had been horrified, and had felt it her duty to earn an equal number of badges—but she picked the hardest ones to make up for Ella’s laziness. She’d always been an overachiever.

“We hang out, but there’s a lot of intense talking,” Grace said, shrugging.

“Intense talking?” I asked, trying not to judge. But it was hard, since all I could see was Ian’s face, all serious and hairy, staring back at me in my mind. “What is intense talking?”

“About our futures, and stuff.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Your futures? Like, your future together? Do you talk about your futures as Grace and Ian Forever?”

“Sometimes,” Grace sighed. “Not always. Sometimes it’s just about what Ian wants to do in life, and about student council, stuff like that.”

“Thrilling,” Ella muttered. “There’s nothing quite as wonderful as the passion of young love.”

“You’re being a brat,” Grace said calmly. “Lay off, okay? I’ve got enough people giving me a hard time, and don’t need to take more crap from you, Ella Ambrose.”

Ella looked ashamed. But then she said, “I’m just saying, you and Ian don’t exactly seem like the most thrilling couple. And he’s totally self-absorbed—he never wants to hang out with us, it’s just the two of you together
all
the time. You yourself just said that all you talk about is what
he
wants to do in life. What about you? And don’t you get bored of him? Isn’t it stupid that you’re spending every waking minute with someone who just wants to analyze
his
life all the time? Wouldn’t it be more fun to get out there and live it, instead of talking about what you
will
do, someday?”

“We do stuff,” Grace said, her voice finally escalating. “I’m
always
doing stuff.”

“Yes, you’re just Little Miss Involved, Queen of Everything.”

“Also, Ella?” Grace said caustically. “You have no right to criticize me for not focusing on what I want to do in life. Aren’t you the one who can’t even tell your mom you don’t
want
to go to college? Why don’t you tell her to lay off? At least I don’t let Ian tell me what to do.”

“Ha!” Ella said, laughing bitterly. “That’s right. Ian
never
tells you what to do. You’re Miss Independence when you’re with him. Texting him, following his directions—”

“Enough!” I broke in desperately, trying to stop their ridiculous fight before it got out of hand. “This is why none of us should date. Guys get in the way of everything.”

“Like you’re one to talk,” Ella blurted out, turning on me. “You’re practically falling all over Johnny Rush, who has a
girlfriend
. What’s with his name, anyway? How can you take someone seriously when they have a porn name?”

“What’s with you today?” I spat. I hated Ella when she acted like this. “We’re not interested in your bitter sauce, okay?”

“I’m just telling it like I see it,” she said. “You’re obsessed with Johnny, Grace is obsessed with Ian. What about yourselves?”

“Your judgment and rudeness are not appreciated.” I walked faster, annoyed that we were fighting about something so stupid. What were we fighting about, anyway? About guys? Or about nothing? I didn’t want to fight with my best friends, but now that we’d started fighting, I had stuff to say, too.

“And what
about
ourselves?” I said, suddenly flat-out angry. “When we found Suzy’s list, I thought we’d promised each other that we were going to do all the stuff on it together. But all you can do lately is complain, Ella. You whine about the play, complain about Andy—who you’re obviously obsessed with. You’re always moaning about Grace and Ian, now you’re giving me a hard time about Johnny?” I took a breath. “Are you just pissed at your mom and taking it out on us? If so, stop.”