No-One Ever Has Sex On A Tuesday: A Very Funny Romantic Novel (4 page)

“So Caroline was my
Wake me up before you go go
girl because she was the dullest bird in bed you have ever known. Now as for the amazing Stephanie. If I tell you our song was
Summer of 69
by Bryan Adams I bet you can’t guess what her speciality was?”

“I think we can all guess and it’s an image I’d rather not have thank you,” replied Matthew.

“Oh happy days my friend, happy days,” said Ian with a contented smile on his face.

Fortunately they pulled up at the school gates at that point putting an end to the magical musical tour of Ian’s sex life.

Matthew could just about make out the school sign standing just as it had nearly twenty years before by the iron railings. Now he was here he felt weird. He saw himself as he had been then, sauntering through the gates, Adidas bag high on his shoulder, narrow end of his tie poking out of the top of his shirt, thick end stuffed way out of sight, one half of his shirt already dangling out over the top of his trousers and hair worn fashionably long. His arm was of course, draped over Katy’s shoulders. He had looked, he thought with a pang, kind of cool. It certainly didn’t seem possible that the teenager with the cocky swagger could have turned into this man wearing the middle-aged, standard-issue uniform of blue checked shirt and turned up chinos.

“Right, let the dog see the rabbit,” hailed Ian as he barged his unwieldy boozy body against the school hall door, making the “Welcome Back to Dove Valley School” banner flap wildly in his wake.

Matthew had to smile at the sight that greeted them: it was genuinely as if they had gone back in time. Norwegian pop-group A-ha blared out from the disco at the far end of the hall and multi-coloured lights spun wildly out of control. The dance floor was of course a girls only domain at this point in the evening with the blokes clustered around the bar glancing nervously at the women, who looked dangerously as though they might drag the nearest man onto the dancefloor at any minute. The only things visibly different were the clothes. The scene was awash with little black dresses, sheer tights, perfectly-manicured nails and beautifully-styled hair fresh from the hairdressers. No shoulder pads, no neon, no mesh, no chains, no lace, no leather ties and no silk shirts. But by the looks on most peoples’ faces, the sophisticated veneer did not hide a multitude of teenage insecurities that had come back to haunt the partygoers in their old stomping ground.

“Oh my god, is it really you? You look amazing,” Matthew suddenly heard Ian exclaim. “Even more gorgeous than you did at school. It’s Ian by the way if you’re too shy to say you can’t remember my name. Ian Robinson. I only arrived in the fourth year. We did maths together remember? Lusted after you a bit actually from the back of the class. We had that really boring teacher, what was their thier name?”

“Mr. Hopkins,” the bewildered, rather chubby woman wearing an exceptionally low cut dress muttered to the complete bullshitter who seemed to be Ian this evening.

“That’s him. He bored the pants off me. Still, something must have gone in or else I wouldn’t be the high flying financial consultant that I am today. So are you going to let me buy you a drink as a thank you for your smile brightening up my maths lessons or what? Don’t tell me, a Bacardi and coke isn’t it? With those exotic Latino looks you have to be a rum drinker. Follow me young lady.”

Ian winked at Matthew and disappeared into the throng around the bar, the chubby woman following him looking surprised but quite pleased.

Left alone Matthew started to take in the faces hovering around him. Some he recognised immediately, others he had no clue. He realised he hadn’t kept in touch with anyone from school which was probably because he and Katy had been virtually glued together during their last couple of years, so he hadn’t spent a lot of time with anyone else.

“My oh my, surprised you’ve got the cheek to show your face.” said a voice from somewhere on his left.

Matthew turned to see the vaguely familiar grimace of Jules Kettering. She had been Katy’s best friend at school and treated him with utter contempt given that in her view Matthew had completely taken over her best friend. He had always had a suspicion that she might be a lesbian and secretly wanted Katy for herself.

“Jules, how are you? Full of smiles as usual I see,” said Matthew.

“The sight of you is enough to put a dampener on anyone.”

“Oh how the years just slip away when you meet old friends,” he smiled sweetly.

“You and I were never friends and certainly not after what you did to Katy,” challenged Jules.

“Oh come on, that was years ago,” said a dismayed Matthew.

“It was still shit. I’m surprised she wanted to come tonight given the possibility of seeing you again.”

“You mean she’s here?” gasped Matthew. He felt his heart do something strange. Sort of contract a bit and then make a play for escape out of his throat.

“Of course. She’s not going to let a pig like you ruin the memories of her school years,” spat out Jules.

“Charming. So where is she?” he said, looking around wildly.

He couldn’t believe that he was about to see her. After all these years. They hadn’t spoken since the night she had surprised him at college, a memory that still made him shudder. He’d called of course, for over two weeks, but she refused to speak to him. Then he had received all the compilation tapes he had ever made her in the post, stamped on, crushed and mangled. Katy had loved those tapes. They had listened to them over and over in her bedroom and in various lay-bys in the back of his dad’s car whilst having a grope. As the plastic shards and the twisted shiny brown ribbon scattered all over the floor, he caught sight of a slightly faded label with his messy handwriting saying
Now that’s what I call Katy and Matthew’s Music
in blue biro. He knew then that there was no going back. He had given her that tape the night before they had both left to start college. Him off to London and her off to Manchester. They had sat in her bedroom listening to it, her in tears most of the time and him trying to fight them off. Then The Jam had come on and they had jumped up and down to
Going Underground
for the entire track, laughing hysterically. At the end they’d had an “only in the movies” moment where they collapsed on the bed breathing heavily and stared into each other’s eyes. He remembered telling her he loved her and that three years would soon be over and then the world was their oyster. They had carried on talking way into the night, plotting and planning their future. He could still remember how she had breathlessly told him she could already picture the dream home they would buy when they had both graduated and found good jobs back in Leeds. She had in mind a barn conversion with thick oak beams that towered above an enormous double-height lounge, a kitchen with an Aga that a tribe of dogs could fall asleep next to and enough bedrooms so all their mates could come and stay, even after they had kids. He remembered at the time he had been surprised that talk of children hadn’t freaked him out, especially when Katy informed him they would have two, a boy named Jacob and a girl called Eloise. But it all seemed so wonderfully inevitable then that there was no cause for panic.

They had managed to see each other every other weekend, taking it in turns to make the train journey. But Matthew’s head started to turn. His new mates were organising things for the weekends when he was with Katy and he felt like he was missing out. Also Freshers Week had started with a bang, quite literally for many of the guys living on his floor in the halls of residence. Released from the confines of parents breathing down their necks it seemed that sex was pretty much on tap whether it be other female students or the micro-mini clad locals who still thought that shagging a student was cool. Of course when they staggered into the kitchen the morning after the night before they were full of elaborate stories of their conquests, trying to outdo one another on who had gone the furthest.

Matthew, being the only one with a girlfriend, was forced to sit quietly on the periphery as the banter swirled around his head. This wasn’t helped by the fact that he and Katy had not had sex that often, maybe three or four times, and it hadn’t been the earth moving experience either of them had expected. In fact it had been downright awkward and embarrassing. He had no idea what he was doing wrong but it wasn’t right. Katy was more likely to moan in pain than ecstasy. They had not talked about it, merely avoided the subject, both of them embarrassed by their lack of experience. He knew deep down that probably all they needed was practice but he was getting increasingly frustrated, especially when all his new friends appeared to be having the time of their lives.

Then the end of the first term arrived and Matthew was due to return to Leeds the following day for the Christmas holidays. There was a fancy dress disco in the college bar and he and one of the other guys had decided to go as a reindeer. Actually there was only a pantomime horse left at the fancy dress shop, so they had added a pair of Christmas antlers and a red nose to complete the look. He drew the short straw and ended up dressed as the back end, which he didn’t mind as long as he was well supplied with alcohol.

After a considerable amount of vodka, the makeshift reindeer’s back end went. All of a sudden the legs appeared not to want to stay up right any longer and collapsed dragging the front end down with it. The next thing he knew he was being dragged up by the Virgin Mary, otherwise known as Emma, who lived on the floor below him. Her costume had been met with much hilarity as she was certainly no virgin, making the most of her release from an all girl’s catholic school and enjoying as fully as possible the company of as many men as she could.

“Matty, come on get up,” he heard Emma say through what felt like a thick fog that had enveloped him.

The next thing he knew Emma and another bloke from his floor were dropping him onto his bed.

“I’ll just watch him to make sure he doesn’t puke before he falls asleep,” she said.

She started off stroking his head then somehow manoeuvred him, still in his costume, so his head rested in her bosom. The next thing he knew she was kissing him and stuffing her hand down the front of his horse’s legs.

The drink had stripped away his inhibitions and all thoughts of Katy vanished. He rolled Emma over onto her back on the bed, pulled his fuzzy fetlocks down, just far enough to allow him to fumble out a fairly incapable penis. He aimed up into the hidden depths of the blue sheet Emma had used for her costume, complete with thigh high split up the side.

And so it came to pass that Christmas, that the sight that greeted Katy as she pushed open the door of Matthew’s room having decided to pay him a surprise visit, was the back end of a pantomime horse desperately pumping away at The Virgin Mary.

The look on Katy’s face from that fateful day was still imprinted on Matthew’s mind, so much so that he half expected her still to be wearing it as he waited nervously next to Jules for her to appear. Eventually she emerged through the doors by the stage looking as far removed as possible from the broken teenager he remembered fleeing his room all those years ago. She had a strut only achieved through success and maturity. Her designer shirt was clearly more Chelsea than Chelsea Girl and the faded denim jeans had been replaced by razor-sharp pinstripe trousers ending in killer bright red heels. She looked totally together, which was somewhat at odds with the sound of
Like a Virgin
blaring out.

She negotiated herself across the dance floor, head held high, smiling and waving to the bopping ex-classmates. She did not see him until she had almost reached the spot where she had left Jules.

“Look what the cat dragged in,” said Jules.

She looked up. Their eyes met and locked.

How could something you haven’t seen in such a long time look so familiar? He looked at every inch of her face, trying to find something that would make her a stranger but there was nothing. She was still Katy, his Katy, standing there in the school hall as if time had stood still.

“Hi, it’s really good to see you,” he finally managed to say.

“Ha, I bet you didn’t say that the last time you saw her did you? Too busy relieving Mary of her virginity,” chipped in Jules.

“Thank you Jules, that’s enough,” Katy finally spoke up.

He smiled gratefully at her but noticed that she looked grim.

“You never gave me a chance, you never let me explain, you wouldn’t talk to me, I tried calling you for weeks,” he found himself blurting out. He couldn’t believe what he was saying. He sounded like a pathetic teenager. What was he doing? There was no need to make excuses now for something that had happened so long ago surely.

“Go on then, if you feel you must, if it’s been weighing on your mind all this time. Go ahead explain,” said Katy calmly.

He drew a breath. “I was drunk.”

“Excellent, well done Matthew, you’ve had since 1989 to think of a plausible reason behind what you did to me and you come out with that. You were drunk. Well that makes it all alright then doesn’t it?” said Katy, now not quite so calm.

“Weh hey, if it isn’t love’s young dream from the sixth form. Good old Matthew and Katy. Assume you must have stayed together then by the way the good lady wife is giving you a right mouthful.” It was Robert Etchings, as diplomatic as he’d been at school, always sticking his piggy little nose where it wasn’t wanted.

“Well she’s matured well I must say Matthew,” he ploughed on. “Always thought she looked a bit of a scrubber at school. A bit dirty, if you know what I mean. Not that you mind that when you are seventeen though eh? The dirtier the better, wouldn’t you say Matthew?” Robert seemed unaware of the three dumbstruck faces around him.

Matthew had no idea what to do. His emotions were doing somersaults over a girl, he was apologising for something really stupid that he had done without thinking and he had an overwhelming desire to twat some total idiot he hated at school. It was like he actually was seventeen all over again. Had he done no growing up at all? One step into a school hall and he had gone to pieces.