No-One Ever Has Sex On A Tuesday: A Very Funny Romantic Novel (6 page)

“Have a good life,” she smiled.

“And you,” he croaked then turned and left. He had closed her front door behind him before he allowed himself to breathe and let a small tear slide down his cheek.

Chapter 6

Matthew thought he had done a pretty good job of forgetting since the school reunion. The guilt had almost torn him apart to start with. Not really the sex part, in some ways that felt incidental. What kept him awake at night was the fact that he had taken such joy in another woman’s company. The ultimate betrayal. He found himself constantly reliving their meeting, desperately searching for something that would let him off the hook. She must have done something wrong, there must have been something not to like. He just needed something that would banish her from his mind. In the end it was Alison who managed to kidnap his thoughts back again by announcing she was finally pregnant, and miraculously some joy had filtered back into their married life. At that point he had sat himself down and told himself enough was enough. It was a one night stand that should never have happened and now he must put his all into his wife and thier new family on its way.

But here she was. Eight months later. In a hospital. At an antenatal class. Walking towards him. Fat.

“Welcome, welcome,” boomed the lady in charge of the class, interrupting Matthew’s highly disturbed thoughts. She rose unsteadily out of her chair, her wobbly bits and greying hair the product of four pregnancies leading to four energetic boys aged from twenty-one to six. Her impressive child-bearing thighs stressed a pair of over washed black leggings whilst pink polka dots stretched over her ample bosom and bobbed around like buoys on a stormy sea.

“I’m Joan and you must be Ben and Katy. Don’t worry, you’ve missed nothing really, just the usual toilets and fire exits stuff. Sit down, and now that we’re all here, we can do some introductions.”

Ben and Katy took the last two seats, which were directly opposite Matthew. Matthew’s stunned glare was pointedly ignored by Katy, who refused to raise her eyes from the floor.

“Right then, shall we continue? Now I know you all feel just a little bit awkward but please remember we’re all here to support each other. I have been running these sessions for many years and believe me you’ll all be firm friends by the end of it.” Katy stole a glance at Matthew. He stared straight back at her. She looked away instantly.

“So let’s start by going round the room and you can each give your name, when the baby is due and tell us what your biggest concern is about childbirth,” said Joan.

Matthew watched mesmerised as the man Katy had arrived with leant over and whispered into her ear.

“I think I’ll just go and slit my wrists now. Wake me up when they get to the bit about fannies,” said Ben just loud enough for Matthew to hear.

“Hi, I’m Rachel,” a sweet-looking girl muttered. “I’m due on the 1st of September and I’m most worried about knowing how to push and when.” She went bright red, clearly not used to talking in front of strangers.

“Hello, I’m Richard and I’m most worried about making sure I know exactly what I can best do to help my wife,” he said, smiling at his wife reassuringly and squeezing her hand.

“Fetch me a bucket,” muttered Ben a little too loudly.

“And what about you?” said Joan gently to a girl in her late teens, clutching the hand of the boy next to her. “There’s absolutely no need to be shy, we are all in this together. Why don’t you just start by telling us your name? You don’t have to say anything else if you don’t want to.”

“Well Joan, I’m Charlene,” began the girl, moving forward in her chair and adeptly flicking her shaggy, dirty blonde hair over her shoulder causing the numerous bangles on her wrist to jangle noisily. “And this is my Luke. And he is the father of my child,” she said proudly raising his hand with hers as if in a victory salute.

“And when….,” started Joan.

“We started going out when we were fifteen, when he walked me home from McDonalds after Jez Langton dumped me because I wouldn’t give him the toy out of my Happy Meal. I’m his only ever girlfriend aren’t I, Luke?” she said, nudging him. Luke stared at the floor and said nothing.

“Well that’s wonderful. So when are…” Joan started again.

“And we’re getting married aren’t we, Luke?” Charlene interrupted again. “As soon as I told him I was pregnant he went straight out a bought me a ring. I’m not kidding. He’s been just brilliant. He is the kindest most wonderful person you could ever meet, aren’t you, Luke?”

Luke nodded at the floor.

“Well that’s just wonderful Charlene,” said Joan. “I’m so thrilled that you are both embracing your pregnancy in this way. Now we do like to help our very young mums as much as we can and it so happens that next week we are all going out for a pizza, so we can all have a proper chat, you know in a nice, unthreatening environment, about anything that maybe on your mind.”

“Which pizza place?” asked Charlene abruptly.

“Well, err, I’m not sure,” replied Joan. “I guess it’ll be Pizza Palace as that’s where we usually go.”

“Sorry, no can do. They don’t do deep-pan and Luke only eats deep-pan.”

“I see. Actually it’ll be girls only, so maybe you could come along and leave Luke at home?”

Charlene turned to look at Luke questioningly who still refused to raise his eyes from the floor.

“We’ll discuss it and I’ll let you know if Luke doesn’t mind,” replied Charlene eventually.

“Right you are then. Now Luke is there anything that you want to add?” asked Joan, turning to the boy sat next to Charlene.

He slouched further down in his chair and grunted a no.

“Well that’s fine. There will be plenty of opportunities for you to say whatever you want,” said Joan beaming at his bowed head. “So who do we have next?”

Ben was waiting and ready. He looked around the room as if checking to see if his audience was listening.

“Hello. I’m Ben and I am most worried that the poor kid might be ginger,” said Ben grinning from ear to ear.

Matthew’s mouth fell open in astonishment. Who was this guy?

Now it was Katy’s turn. Matthew could feel himself holding his breath.

“Err, hi, I’m Katy. I’m, err, due in five weeks and I guess I am pretty much petrified of everything.”

Matthew’s head started to spin as Katy’s words kicked off a chain of thought he had stopped himself from putting into motion from the moment he saw Katy enter into the room. So if she was due in September that made December nine months ago. When exactly was that damn reunion, he thought desperately? He wasn’t exactly sure until the memory of Katy dragging him across the school hall to the soundtrack of Last Christmas by Wham came flooding back, bringing a wave of nausea to his throat. There wasn’t a chance, was there? It couldn’t be his could it? He couldn’t have had a one night stand resulting in a pregnancy just as his wife managed to conceive after five years of trying? That couldn’t happen, surely? Katy would have made sure they were safe. She must have been on the pill. Women don’t get to thirty-six without having a baby and not have birth control fully in hand do they? And who was the clown sitting next to her? He wouldn’t be here if he wasn’t the father would he?

His breathing was going too fast now, too fast not to be noticed.

He looked around nervously and was suddenly aware that everyone was looking at him and Alison was nudging him. Shit, it was his turn. His turn to tell the class what his biggest fear was concerning childbirth. How about your wife finding out she might not be the only one carrying your child.

“Sorry, got to get some air,” he managed to gasp before he got up and virtually ran for the door. Joan chuckling was the last thing he heard as the door swung shut behind him.

“Oh there’s always one who finally gets a reality check once they get to this stage. Give him a minute and he will be as right as rain, you mark my words. Why don’t you tell us about both of you?” she said looking at the woman sat next to Matthew’s empty chair.

“Well that was my husband Matthew who isn’t normally like that I promise you. I have no idea what’s come over him. Anyway my name is Alison. We’ve just moved up from London with Matthew’s job because we wanted a house with a garden rather than the flat we were living in. We are really going to need it you see because we are actually expecting twins,” she said with rather a smug smile.

A hushed “Wow,” ebbed around the room followed by a spontaneous round of applause. Katy clapped her hands just a little bit slower than everyone else, staring at the closed door Matthew was no doubt hiding behind.

“How could you?” asked Alison, panting slightly as she collapsed in the passenger seat of Matthew’s car after the class had finished. “How could you leave like that and then not come back? I was absolutely mortified.”

“I’m really sorry. I just felt really ill all of a sudden.”

“Of course now they all think you’re not up to it.”

“Up to what?” he asked.

“Having babies,” she screeched. “They all think you haven’t the stomach for it, I know they do. I bet they’re all talking about us now on their way home. The couple having twins with a husband who can’t even bear to sit in an antenatal class and learn about childbirth. That’s what they’ll be saying. God I’m so embarrassed.”

Matthew stared silently at the speed dial on his dashboard.

“Are you even listening to me?” she persisted.

“Sorry. What did you say?”

“For god’s sake Matthew you know how important these classes are and then you let me down like that, in front of everyone.”

“I just….I just guess I couldn’t stay in there any longer.”

“Oh fantastic,” she said, throwing her hands in the air. “What are you going to be like when I actually give birth if you can’t even stand to be in a class just talking about it. What on earth are you afraid of?”

“Nothing. Nothing I promise. It is honestly nothing to do with the whole birth thing. Must have eaten something dodgy at lunchtime, that’s all,” said Matthew before turning to look at her. “Besides it’s you who needs to know all this stuff really isn’t it. If I’m not there it doesn’t really matter does it? You know if heaven forbid something crops up and I can’t make it for some reason.”

“Matthew, you have had these dates in your Blackberry for months now. I know because I put them there. There is nothing that is more important than these classes. What would everyone think if you didn’t turn up, especially after your performance tonight?”

“Does it really matter what they think? It’s not like we’re going to become bosom buddies or anything is it?”

“Matthew, I am going to be at home every day with two children. I need to start developing a support network and I was hoping that there may be some women in this class who I could get friendly with.”

“Oh come on Alison. There was no-one in there who you would have anything in common with,” said Matthew, starting to feel shaky again.

“Oh I don’t know. What about that one you were staring at. I saw you, you couldn’t keep your eyes off her,” said Alison accusingly.

“What,” said Matthew, now feeling sick, “the one with the dark hair you mean. Oh it was just that she looked familiar that’s all, couldn’t quite place her, you know how it is.”

“I see,” said Alison. “Well I guess you’re bound to start bumping into people you used to know. She works for an advertising agency, if that helps. I have to admit she was the only one I could see myself being friends with as she was the only one with anything resembling a brain.”

“But….but,” Matthew spluttered desperately searching for words that might somehow steer this conversation in a less dire direction. “But wasn’t she the one with the complete loser of a boyfriend?”

“Oh he was harmless. You’re right, an odd couple though. He seemed a lot younger than her.”

“Well he seemed like a tosser to me. I’d steer clear if I were you. Nothing worse than coping with horrendous partners.”

“Well they are probably thinking the same about us given your behaviour this evening,” she said. “Her partner was a saint compared to you. He even held my hands when I tried the birthing ball given that you weren’t there, so don’t forget to thank him for being a surrogate father when you see him next week.”

“A class performance on my part, don’t you think?” said Ben to Katy as they stopped at a set of traffic lights on their way home. “Broke the ice with some light-hearted banter; you can’t go wrong with a ginger joke I always say. I totally held back on the “F” word out of respect for your Gran. God rest her soul. And I took all the gory details that Joan could throw at us like a true man which is more than I can say for that Matthew bloke. What a wuss. I bet his wife isn’t half giving him an earful.”

“I know him actually,” said Katy.

“What, the big girls blouse?”

“Yeah, we used to go to school together. Small world eh,” said Katy. She had spent the entire class fighting the urge to get up and walk out. She had however worked out that it would be best to admit she knew who Matthew was in case they ever met again.

“So was he this pathetic at school then?” asked Ben.

“Can’t remember really,” she said, hoping he wouldn’t detect the quiver in her voice. “Anyway I was thinking Ben. I’m not sure we should go to the rest of the classes. I learnt the main bits I wanted to tonight. Let’s just read the books, I’m sure we’ll be fine,” said Katy trying to sound casual.

“You what. Are you for real?” said Ben aghast. “I have suffered all week in the staff room from Bob and Dennis taking the piss, telling me there is no way I would be able to cope with all the details of the blood and gore. If I go back now and say we’re not going again after one class they’ll rip me to shreds.”

“Just tell them it’s me who doesn’t want to go,” she said desperately.

“Yeah right, like they’ll believe that. Anyway I have to go to the next class. I never thought I’d say this Katy but thank you for making me do this,” said Ben earnestly. “The future of the Leeds North under-nineteen football team now depends on me attending that meeting and convincing Luke to come back and be our striker.”

Chapter 7

At the time, Katy thought sleeping with Matthew had been a positive turning point in her life. Knowing that he wanted her and she could walk away had gone a long way to erasing the years of rejection and hurt that had built up inside her.