Never Me (26 page)

I watched Thad set the last of the boxes down and head to the kitchen for some water. He gave me a knowing grin when I began to walk toward him. I wrapped my arms around his waist as he finished draining his cup.

“Thanks, Thad. Really, this was so good of you.” I heard my own words falter slightly as I removed my arms from his waist. I couldn’t handle the pressure bearing down on my chest. I was raw. I took the top box off a stack, opened it and began to scatter its contents on my new counter. Thad walked up behind me, sliding his arms around me and whispering in my ear.

“Baby, please tell me what’s wrong. You didn’t listen to a word I said on the drive over.”

“Nothing, it’s just nerves. I’m just a little disoriented, overwhelmed, I guess.” I removed his arms from my waist and continued unpacking, but not really putting anything away. I wasn’t being fair to him and I knew it, and the fact that he was turning me to face him let me know he knew it too.

“What’s wrong, Nadine?”

I stared into his baby blues and took in his features. I had kept him at arm’s length most of our relationship, letting him in here and there. He knew me. He knew my habits, my moods. He was no stranger to me, and yet I never really gave him more than tiny glimpses once in a while. It seemed like enough for him. I realized then and there it wasn’t enough for me. He was good for me, he treated me well, there was no question I should have opened myself to him more.

“Who is he?” I saw Thad’s patience start to ware as my eyes widened at his question, letting him know he was onto something.

I couldn’t do this; I couldn’t look at him and tell him he wasn’t what I wanted. But why? I quickly opened another box and began taking the contents out.

“Nadine.” Something about the way he said my name struck a nerve and I lunged at him, kissing him feverishly, roaming his body with my hands. He hesitated at first and then quickly reciprocated my kiss. I lifted the hem of my shirt and separated us for only a second to throw it on the floor. I unbuckled his pants and felt him stiff against my fingers, keeping my eyes closed as I let him fully taste my mouth, my neck and roam my chest. He undid the button of my shorts, strumming his fingers on the sensitive skin above my panties. He pulled back and whispered to me, “I love you, Nadine.”

My eyes sprang open and I pulled away from him quickly. “No, come on, don’t do that to me.”

“What?” he asked, his face twisting with hurt and anger, “tell you the truth?”

I lunged at him again, trying my best to keep him distracted. I just needed time to … think. As I kissed Thad I eyed the shoe box sitting on the stack of boxes behind him and pulled my lips away, cursing.

“I can’t help you if you won’t tell me what’s wrong,” Thad stated plainly. He was irritated, hurt, aroused, and I was doing all of this to him and for what? Thad was my best friend. He had been with me through good and bad and stayed stoic no matter what I had thrown at him. He was gorgeous and charming and quick witted, and up until today had an insane amount of patience. I looked at him now and saw a man who was beyond his limits. He didn’t deserve it and I couldn’t do it to him anymore.

“I can’t tell you what you want to hear,” I whispered to him, not quite meeting his eyes. “Thad, it’s just not something I am capable of.”

I saw his face fall as he whispered back, “Something you aren’t capable of? Or not capable of with me?”

“I don’t know.” I felt the sting of tears and saw recognition in his face.

“Fuck.” He gripped his chest briefly and buckled his pants.

“Thad, you don’t understand I am—“

“No, stop, don’t say another word. My heart can’t take it. I knew when we started dating you didn’t belong to me, but I never for one second thought you wouldn’t after all this … time.”

There it was. The word I hated more than any other. Time.

“I don’t even know what I want from you, Spencer.”

“What we both want, more time.”

It was just a fucking letter. It shouldn’t mean anything now, it shouldn’t matter so much. Why can’t I just forget about it? Forget about him? My chest heaved as I saw Thad’s anger subside slightly and his hurt set in.

“Tell me this, Nadine. Where is he?” He had contempt in his voice now and I didn’t blame him. I was pissed at me, too.

“Not in the picture, he’s not. Thad please don’t do this.”

“Do what? Protect myself? Someone has to fucking care about me.” He shook his head back and forth slowly, his eyes closed painfully shut as if he was fighting his emotion. I let another round of salt make its way down my cheeks. I had just broken his heart. I knew what it felt like. I took a step toward him.

“I’m sorry. It’s just today, something … happened and I can’t really explain it, but—“

He walked away from me heading toward the door, refusing to listen to me. “Thad don’t leave, please. Don’t leave like this.”

He stood in the doorway and slowly turned to face me. His eyes were glazed and radiated nothing but pain. I gasped slightly and felt myself crumble away piece by piece for him. I vowed then and there not to ever hurt anyone like that again. I led him on and I had just figured it out, and apparently so had he.

“Thad, please don’t leave. It was just today. I just felt off. I felt fucked up. Don’t leave.”

“I can’t stay knowing how you really feel.” He turned again and walked quickly out the door.

I wanted to go after him. I wanted to tell him I loved him too, anything to make him stay, to take his pain away, hell to take my pain away. But I didn’t. I couldn’t, because I didn’t love him. I had settled with Thad. I closed the door and turned quickly, my hurt turning to anger. I kicked over a stack of boxes and saw the shoe box full of sand hit the floor. I walked quickly into my bedroom and laced my running shoes. I wiped a tear away from each eye and knotted my hair. I was exhausted, but there was no way I could sit in that brand new apartment full of boxes.

I had taken control of every single aspect of my life, my career was a priority. It all seemed like a natural progression, especially with Thad. What had I done wrong? I quickly took the steps and fled my apartment building, the sounds of New Orleans filling my senses. I made a quick attempt to stretch and took off at a rough pace. I was thankful the air was getting crisp with fall’s descent over the city. It wasn’t exactly the city I fell in love with due to the huge amount of construction, but its charms still captured me nonetheless. I felt the buzz surround me with each purposeful stride I made, letting my mind race with thoughts of Thad and how I had hurt us both. I must have looked like a lunatic, crying and running at full speed erratically all over the streets. I took a pause to catch my breath at the edge of a park. I sat there completely confused and amazed at how yesterday, at this time, I had it all figured out. I felt the pressure in my chest and took a deep breath. Okay, so you found a letter from Spencer, no need overreact. Too. Late. For. That.

He wanted to be with me, whatever it took. He missed me. I stifled a sob and quickly resumed my run. Rory would be here soon, all I had to do was just hang on.

I rounded a corner and saw a couple gawking at each other and holding hands. I narrowed my eyes. “On your right, assholes!” They jumped in unison at my remark, looking genuinely offended and confused as I passed quickly. Okay, that was uncalled for.

I had never even considered the melancholy that might accompany me moving to this city. Spencer was always in the back of my mind. I knew that. I put him there. He set the standard for the men I would date. It was purposeful and was meant to help me navigate. Our time here wasn’t what had convinced me to move. It was my love for this city. The city had an amazing effect on me, the history, the sights, and not to mention the corruption which was both a blessing and a curse for my new career.

Damn it! If I hadn’t of found that letter, I knew I would be none the wiser. Thad and I would be unpacking my apartment, instead I was practically crawling back to it to shower. I washed the day away, still feeling a heavy heart. I began to text Thad a hundred times, but had no right words. I would have to be a big girl and call him. I had to give him some time.

Freshly showered, I tried to get myself a little more excited about my situation and unpacked my entire closet. When I reached the kitchen, I quickly grabbed a broom and dustpan to sweep up the sand, putting it back in the box. I grabbed the closest sticky note and read it.

“Pillow Talk.”

I closed my eyes.
“You will remember me, Nadine.”

I put the lid on the box and carried the sticky note with me to my bed, sticking it on my computer monitor. I hadn’t let myself so much as think about looking him up after I thought he hadn’t answered my SOS. I never let myself entertain thoughts of seeing him ever again, until today. I would just do a simple search, no big deal. I made it five minutes into my search when I found him.

You have got to be fucking kidding me,” Rory said, reading the letter. “Why does this always seem like my fault!”

“Don’t worry about that part, Rory. You were just trying to cheer me up with that trip.”

“But you hated that weekend, you hate football, and Spencer was at your place!”

“Rory, forget about it. Just tell me what to do.”

“Nadine, this letter is two years old, he could be married. Have you looked him up?”

“You know I did. No he isn’t married, he doesn’t believe in marriage.”

“No twenty-five year old man does.”

“Rory!”

“Ask them again when they’re closing in on thirty.”

A wave of panic swept through me.

“Rory, you are not helping,” I said, bringing up his law firm portfolio.

“Stalker… Let’s see what you got.” She read his profile and whistled.

“Yeah, I know. He’s one of the best lawyers in Philadelphia. He went to a huge firm. I can’t find a picture anywhere on the web.”

“You know damn well you could find out everything if you wanted to,” Rory piped suggestively.

“No.”

“He could be fat.” I gave her a menacing look. “Well, damn it, Nadine, you have his number, it’s right there on the screen. Call him!”

“What about Thad? I can’t just forget about him and—”

“Nadine, I can’t believe you haven’t spit him out by now. You know better.”

“I know,” I said as I lowered my head under her stare. We were sitting side by side on my barstools. Rory was just as excited to be back in the city as I was. We agreed to come together after I got my job offer, otherwise I wouldn’t have left Oklahoma.

“So when are you coming?” I asked, trying to change the subject.

“Spring semester and I’m here. But listen, I’m not moving in with you.”

“Why?”

“I’m too old for that. I’ll have a job and my own place when I get here.”

“Fine with me. You are a nudist,” I teased.

“Okay, I came down here to celebrate, not bellyache over a guy you—“

“This isn’t just some guy, Rory. He’s my green,” I said as serious as I could muster. Rory studied me with a knowing smile.

“Well, then I guess it’s time you bet on God, honey.”

“What do I do?”

“It will come to you,” she said, putting her arm around me. “Now please, take me somewhere, anywhere.”