Never Let Go (Take My Hand) (15 page)

“I love you too, princess. Dear God, I love you too.”

**********

I called Paula, Chris’ cancer nurse shortly after he
fell back to sleep upstairs. She said she would pop round late afternoon
although she couldn’t give me a definite time. When I went downstairs after
calling her, I went to the living room but stopped in my tracks when I caught
my Dad and Sarah in an emotional embrace.

“Soon, I’ll have outlived two of my children,” my dad
cried. “How is that fair, Sarah? Why
them
?
Why not
me
?”

Sarah brought him closer and he nestled his head in
her chest as he sobbed into her floral shirt. Damn if the whole scene didn’t
rip my heart from my chest. Holding my breath in an effort to stem the tears, I
backed away from the door and left them alone.

What I’d just seen wasn’t proof of course - it could
well have been Sarah just consoling a breaking man - but the image resurfaced
my suspicions that they are seeing each other. For the first time, I kind of
hoped they were. My dad was going to need someone to help him through the
coming months and I couldn’t think of a more loving and supportive woman than
Sarah.

Not wanting to
intrude on what was happening in the living room, I kept myself busy in the
kitchen. I washed all the dishes by hand even though we have a dishwasher, then
I wiped the counters down, mopped the floor, and re-arranged all the bits of
crap stuck to the fridge with magnets. Dexter came home just as I was running
out of things to occupy myself with, and I threw myself into his arms before he
could even mutter ‘hello’.

“Hey, hey, hey,”
he said in a soothing tone, rubbing my back as he held me. “What’s wrong, doll?
Has something happened?”

“No. Yes. No. I
mean Chris is… well he’s not fine but he’s okay.”

“It’s okay, Em,”
he cooed. “Take a minute to calm down. We’ll talk whenever you’re ready.”

I buried my head
in Dexter’s chest and stayed there for several minutes before feeling composed
enough to peel myself away from him. When I did, he encouraged me to go into
the living room while he made coffees for everyone. So I did, and when I
entered the room the intense moment between my dad and Sarah seemed to be over.

“Are you two
seeing each other?” I blurted without thinking. My dad stuttered on his words
before turning to Sarah for… I don’t know, help? Reassurance?

“Yes,” Sarah
answered honestly. “Yes, honey we are.”

“Oh.” I nodded,
feeling slightly flabbergasted even though I already suspected as much. “Were
you ever going to tell us?” My tone sounded bitter, and when Dexter entered the
room he immediately asked what was wrong. “I was right. My dad and Sarah are a
couple.”

“What the…”
Dexter breathed, widening his eyes as he placed the tray carrying three mugs of
coffee and one mug of tea on the table. “Wow. Okay. Um…
congratulations?
”

“We
were
going to tell you,” Sarah began.
Dexter sat next to me on the sofa and draped a protective arm over my shoulder.
“I suppose we just wanted to make sure we had
something
to share. This is so new for both of us. Derek has only
just left a nineteen-year marriage and I haven’t allowed myself to feel this
kind of thing in such a long time. Plus, with everything else going on, it felt
selfish to even consider a relationship between us as news.”

“Princess… please
don’t be angry – especially not with Sarah. If anyone’s in the wrong here
it’s
me
. I’m the one who’s still
married. Sarah’s just… I love her, princess. I know it seems ridiculous so soon
but it’s the truth. I’d been numb ever since the day you were born and I lost
your mother and this amazing woman right here is teaching me how to feel
again.”

Yeah. That sounds like Sarah.

“It doesn’t sound
ridiculous,” I admitted. “I knew I loved Dexter within weeks of knowing him. I
guess if you find the other half of your soul, you just
know
.”

“Wait… you’re not
mad?” my dad asked, his voice rising an octave in disbelief.

“No, Dad. I’m not
mad with you. With either of you. You’re my dad and I love you, and I already
love Sarah like a mother so I guess it’s all working out pretty perfectly.”

“Dexter?” Sarah
pressed nervously anxiously awaiting his response to the news.

“Hey,” Dexter
answered. “If you’re happy, I’m happy. Derek? You fuck with her and I’ll make
you pay with your balls. Got it?”

“Loud and clear,
Dexter. But I can assure you I don’t intend to hurt this woman. Ever. I love
her too much.”

“Good. It better
stay that way. Now enough mushy shit, let’s finish our conversation from the
kitchen. What’s happened with Chris?”

I went on to tell
Dexter about Chris’ ‘episode’, then I broke down in tears. Once I’d calmed down
again I told him the Macmillan nurse would be round soon and also that I had
never been more afraid in my life. Then… Sarah spoke and instantly made me feel
like crap again.

“So how did the
exam go, honey?”

“Oh my God!
Dexter I’m so sorry - it completely slipped my mind. I feel terrible!”

“Don’t be
ridiculous, doll. You’re brother is way more important than some shitty exam…”
he trailed off, letting a smug smile crawl across his face before continuing.
“That I’m pretty sure I aced,” he continued.

“Yeah?” I asked
excitedly.

“I won’t get my
results for another two months, but honestly I could’ve eaten that paper for
breakfast.”

“I’m so proud of
you,” I said before leaning over to kiss his lips. Just a peck of course
– seeing as though I could feel my dad and Sarah’s eyes on us the whole
time. “You’ve worked so hard the last few months. I can’t believe you’ve
achieved so much in so little time.”

“Guess I already
had the basics. The first few exams were a breeze because I’d already learned
most of that shit growing up. But… well technically the college is only
supposed to offer exams at set times throughout the year.” I pursed my eyebrows
in confusion, unsure where he was heading. “Did you know Chris has been
arranging them through a private company? Therefore
paying
a hell of a lot of cash to said private company?”

“No.” I felt a
little winded. “I had no idea.”

“I’m telling you,
doll, I might have worked my ass off, but none of this would’ve been possible
without Chris. He’s encouraged me, pushed me, taught me, supported me… and now
I’ve found out he’s been paying fuck knows how much money in order for me to
fast track.” Dexter shook his head, sighing like he couldn’t quite believe he
was worthy of Chris’ help. “And I’ve got no way to repay him.”

“My brother
believes in you, Dex. He wouldn’t have done all that for you if he didn’t. The
best way you can repay him is to carry on working your butt off. Get your NVQ
and never stop learning. Earn other qualifications along on the way, keep up
the work that you’re doing at the garage and make it the best it can be. It’s
always been Chris’ dream to own his own garage, and I think training you like
he has is his way of passing that dream onto you. Live it, Dex. Take that dream
with both hands and turn his garage into something he’d be proud of.”

“What if I can’t?
Sure I can fix cars but running a business? I don’t have a clue where to
start.”

“Baby, we’ll do
it together. We’ve been running that place alone for the last two weeks. I know
that’s not long but it’s long enough to know we both know what we’re doing. You
carry on dealing with the cars and I’ll continue running the show behind the
scenes. Sure there’s still stuff we need to learn but I really believe we can
make this a success. I believe in you, Dexter. I believe in
us
.”

“We believe in
you both, too,” Sarah chipped in. My gaze had been so intently focused on
Dexter I’d almost forgotten she and my dad were still here. “Okay, so we know
nothing about cars but you guys will
not
have
to do this alone. We’re behind you one-hundred percent.”

It felt strange
that she was suddenly referring to her and my dad as ‘we’. I think that’s going
to take some serious getting used to. I opened my mouth to reply but was
interrupted by a knock at the door.

“I’ll get it,”
Dexter offered, jumping to his feet. Seconds later, Chris’ nurse walked into
the room. She wasn’t what I was expecting – maybe someone rounder and
wearing an actual nurses uniform? But Paula was tall, beautifully slim with
short dark hair and dressed in a grey pantsuit with a lanyard hanging from her
neck.

“Good to see you
again, Dexter,” she said before turning her attention to the rest of us. “You
must be Chris’ sister,” she stated, smiling and offering her hand for me to
shake. “You look so much alike.”

“Yes. I’m Emily,”
I introduced myself. “And this is our dad, and Dexter’s aunty – Sarah,” I
added, motioning my hand over to each of them as I spoke. “Can I get you a
drink?”

“I’m good thank
you,” she answered, shaking her head. “May I?” she tacked on, pointing to the
empty armchair.

“Of course. Yes.
Sorry,” I flapped, feeling like an imbecile for not offering her a seat.

“So, you said
earlier Chris was acting confused?”

“Yeah. Well I
don’t know if confused is the right word.
He
wasn’t confused… in his head he was fifteen again.”

“Sounds like he’s
experiencing some memory loss. Although that is difficult for families to
process, it’s unfortunately not uncommon with this type of tumour.”

“Does that mean…
he’s going to…
stay
like that from
now on? Have we lost him?”

“Not necessarily.
Sometimes the memory loss is like a temporary little glitch in the brain. Of
course, only time will tell us if that’s the case with Chris. I looked into his
records and saw he has an appointment at the hospital on Friday. I’ve brought
that forward to tomorrow morning. I think it will be beneficial to get a
doctor’s opinion on what’s happening.” I nodded, trying to process everything
she was saying. “I take it he’s upstairs?”

“Yes.”

“Can I go up and
see him?”

“Yes, of course.
Should I come with you?”

“Yes, he might
prefer a familiar face around. You go up first and tell him I’m here then I’ll
follow you up.”

“Sure,” I agreed.
Dexter gave me an encouraging squeeze on the knee and then I stood up and made
my way up to Chris, praying with every step that he would be back to ‘normal’.

Nerves welded my
feet to the floor when I reached his room and it took me a couple of minutes to
summon the courage to open the door. When I did, I saw him sleeping in a tight
ball on his bed and I stepped cautiously forward and tapped his shoulder.

“Chris?” I
whispered, hoping it was loud enough to rouse him. His eyes lazily opened and
he stretched his arms above his head.

“Hey, Emmie.”
Those two words instantaneously slowed my racing heart and letting out the
breath I didn’t realise I was holding, I perched myself on the edge of his
mattress. “What time is it? Have I been out long?”

“Your nurse is
here to see you,” I said nervously, ignoring his question.

“
Why
?”

“You don’t
remember this afternoon?”

“Um… should I?
What happened this afternoon?”

“You were yelling
for your mum…” Funny how I referred to her as ‘his’ mum and not ‘our’ mum. I
suppose I still struggle to imagine the woman I didn’t know existed not so long
ago and I, being part of each other. “You said you needed to find your trainers
or you’d be late for football practice.”

“
Football?
”

“Yeah.”

Chris pinched the
bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes closed as if he was trying to summon
the memory.

“Jesus,” was all
he managed to choke out.

“Should I tell
Paula she can come in?”

“Um… yeah. I
suppose so.” I stood up from the bed and he tugged at my hand, pulling me back.
“Wait… just pass me that chewing gum over there first. Don’t want to knock the
poor cow out with my breath.”

Smiling, I tossed
him the packet of gum and when I opened the bedroom door to fetch his nurse,
she was already standing outside.

“How’s he
feeling?” she asked, already stepping past me. From the look on her face what
she meant was, is he still confused?

“Happy as a pig
in shit,” Chris answered, sitting up on his bed and answering her question.

“Glad to hear
it,” Paula said, smiling as she sat down on the end of his bed. “You gave your
family quite a scare before.”

“So I believe. But
hey, I’ve been sleeping so much lately, it’s about time I livened things up a
bit for them. Don’t want them getting bored of me now do I?”

“Do you want me
to leave you alone?” I asked Chris, not sure which answer I was hoping for.

“Sure,” he said,
shrugging like he didn’t mind either way. “Go and put the kettle on and I’ll
come down when we’re done here.”