Need Us (5 page)

I smooth my hand over her hair and lay her head against my shoulder. “You’ll see me again, tiny fairy. I’ll come and see you once your sister leaves again. I’m sorry I didn’t come visit before but it was too hard for me.”

I feel her nod her head against me. “Paisley didn’t want to come. Mamaw threw a huge fit and they yelled on the phone for ten minutes. Mamaw said if she didn’t come that she would leave Papaw and never speak to her again.” BeeBee sniffles and I hold her closer to me. “When they got off the phone Mamaw said she was bluffing and that she would never do any of that. I told her I knew that and that I knew sometimes you have to be mean to Paisley to get her to do anything.”

I laugh. “Yes, sometimes you have to be.”

Pierce and Royal part when we approach. Royal gives BeeBee a kiss on the cheek. Pierce fist bumps her. Then we make our way down to the bitch. I stop three feet from her and I stare down at her with my blank face on. Even my eyes are blank because this woman knows how to read me. When I see it in her eyes, the fear, I set BeeBee down on her feet and back away slowly, never taking my eyes off the bitch. “I’ll be seeing you, tiny fairy.”

The bitch swallows hard and opens the door so BeeBee can climb in the car. I turn around, walking towards the house when her voice stops me. “You can act all cool and collected, Channing. You can stand there and pretend you don’t feel anything. You could give me the cold shoulder and silent treatment for the rest of our lives but I’ll always know.”

I know she wants me to turn around so she can tell me what she knows, but I don’t give her the satisfaction. I just stand there giving her my back, waiting. I do know if she doesn’t tell me what she knows, I’ll lose my goddamn mind.

I hear the hitch in her voice and I know she’s on the verge of tears. I close my eyes and grit my teeth. It’s all a ploy, one to make me look at her. She hated it when I shut her out. Not that I did it much but she could piss me off sometimes.

“I’ll always know that you love me. I’ll always know it’s you and me until the end of time. No matter if we are together or apart.” I turn around so fast I think I might have broke my neck. Tears run down her face. No one is around us and it’s just her and me.

“You say that like you mean it.” I laugh harshly and she flinches. “What I remember is you leaving me behind.” I walk closer to her and I look at her with all the pain and regret in my eyes. “I don’t think it was ever you and me.”

I stalk up the driveway and into the house. I pass empty rooms and halls, not seeing anyone or anything. I make it to my room and I slam the door shut. I lock the door and I lay down on my bed. Tears slowly leak down my eyes as I turn my iPod on. “Remember Everything” by Five Finger Death Punch plays while I remember that day one year ago. The day my entire life ended.

***

Pierce watches me from the couch, his expression relaxed. It still seems funny sometimes to see him so relaxed. Most of our lives have been spent fighting and being at odds with each other. Then I found out he was my half brother and all of that changed. When you grow up without anyone who loves you, finding family you didn’t know you had or could have, it’s like a dream come true. I don’t care what he’s done to me in the past because none of that matters anymore.

“Why do you seem so nervous? You won’t even notice all the people once Paisley comes down the aisle. It’ll be just you and her.” He would know since he married Rachel about four years ago. I didn’t envy him then but we were eighteen years old and just starting our adult lives. There he was, getting married and having a kid with one of my best friends. He’s like me though; he knew she was it for him. Just like I know Paisley is it for me.

The door opens and in walks Ashley. Her black hair down around her shoulders and those icy blue eyes full of hope and love. Sometimes it still gets to me how much she looks like our father. She looks more related to me then she does to Pierce and they are full-blooded siblings. “Look at you!” she exclaims, striding over to me. “So handsome.” She cups my cheeks and squeezes just a little too hard.

I shake out of her hold and rub at my face. “Why the hell did you do that?”

She laughs and goes to sit next to Pierce on the couch. “You look pale. I thought it might brighten up your face a little bit.”

“Was I that pale?” Pierce asks her while he puts his arm around her shoulders.

She shakes her head and pats his leg. “Of course Annabella tried to ruin your day so you were quite flushed. Channing is just a little overwhelmed. All the people and having to spend the rest of his life married to a crazy redhead.” Then she winks at me.

“I’d take the redhead any day. You on the other hand, let’s just say I feel bad for Damien.” She smacks Pierce on the chest. “What? You are way more crazy than anyone else here today. What with the mob wars and biker clubs. Plus a secret marriage to a biker dude named Rage.”

“My life is crazy, I’m not crazy,” she states before she smacks him on the back of the head.

“Will you stop hitting me? Good lord.” Ashley only snickers.

I give a tiny smile at them. They might not help with the nervousness but they are a good distraction. And honestly I’m not nervous to marry Paisley. I just have a bad feeling something bad is going to happen. Like her crazy grandmother showing up or one of my friends standing up to object. Shit like that would happen to us.

Lily runs into the room and smiles at me. She throws her arms around me, “One more of my flock ready to leave. Only one more to go and then I can have the house to myself!” Then she backs away and beams up at me. “Let’s go, we have a wedding to get over with. Then we can have some alcohol!”

“Ma! You aren’t getting drunk today. I really don’t want to have to carry your drunk ass home again. I really didn’t want to hear about you having sex with your ex boyfriends.” Pierce’s skin actually turns green.

“Nonsense. I didn’t do any such thing.” Then she leaves the room before Pierce can say anything else.

We exit the room and head out the door next to the altar. We stand together as Royal rushes down the aisle pulling at his tie. He stands right next to me with Pierce on his other side.

I try to calm myself down as the wedding march is played but I know something bad is about to go down. When Rachel is supposed to walk, followed by Wesley and then Carly, but nothing happens, I just know this will be the worst day of my life. Instead of the girls Margret walks down the aisle, her hands shaky and a piece of paper in them.

“I’m so sorry my love,” she whispers and chills go down my back. She puts the piece of paper in my hands and closes them over it. Then she turns around and clears her throat. “The wedding isn’t going to happen today I’m afraid. Thank you all for coming.”

I think I’m in shock because nothing is penetrating. I keep expecting Paisley to run down the aisle and say this was all a mistake. I open the letter hoping something called her away but I know deep in my soul that’s not what I’ll find in this letter.

I only read one line. I don’t care about her excuses or her crazy reasoning. I told her if she did this to me again I wouldn’t ever forgive her. And I fucking meant that.

I’m sorry. I can’t marry you.

I drop the letter and I don’t know what comes over me. It’s like I’ve become anger and rage. I’m channeling it from hell or something. I start destroying things. I pick up the flower arrangements and smash them against the wall. I start kicking holes in the walls and knocking over candles. I’m ripping curtains down and shredding them with my bare hands.

I don’t stop until Royal and Pierce tackle me to the ground. I thrash against them and I try so hard to fight my way out from underneath them. “I have to get it out,” I say over and over again.

Ashley appears above them, tears leaking down her face. “We know, baby. We know.” She smoothes a hand over my face. “Just calm down sweetie, we’ll make it all better.”

Something pinches on my arm and I look down to see Lily with a needle in her hand. “What did you do to me?” I ask as everything starts to get foggy around me.

“Something to make you feel better,” she whispers. At some point Pierce and Royal have climbed off of me and now everyone stands around me. Ashley isn’t the only one crying.

“I knew she’d do this to me again. I shouldn’t have believed she’d changed,” I tell Lily. I’m starting to get confused and I don’t know where I am. “Will you tell her I need her? Can you get Paisley?”

Lily chokes back a sob and grabs my hand. “Okay sweetie, I’ll go get her.”

That’s about the time I pass out.

Rachel

“Where’s Daddy?” my little boy asks me. His green eyes look up at me and it’s all I can do not to cry. I’ve cried so much today. I know I’ll cry some more later, but I refuse to do that in front of Asher.

I put a piece of our puzzle in the right place and then I answer him. “He’s at our house with his friends. Uncle Royal is getting married tomorrow, remember? They are having a party to celebrate and it’s only for boys.”

“Can I go? I’m a boy.” He looks so hopeful and I don’t want to tell him no. I never want to tell him no. Well, unless he’s drawing on the walls or throwing rolls of toilet paper in the toilet.

I clear my throat and search through the puzzle box for the piece I’m looking for. “It’s a grown up party, little man.”

He pouts now looking so much like his father I can’t hold it in. I miss Court so much and I want him to hold me more than I ever have before. The only safe place in this world is in his arms. Funny how that works out isn’t it? The one place I want to be the most is the one place I can never be again.

I love Court so much it hurts. I think about him all the time and he’s the most wonderful father. How could I have done this to him? I keep racking my brain, like I’ve been doing for weeks. It makes little to no sense. I know I didn’t want Donovan. Hell, I’ve never found myself attracted to him. Was it some kind of mid-life crisis? Can you have one of those in your twenties?

“I wanna be with Daddy. You’re too sad for me today.” And I tried so hard to cover that up, the sadness. I wouldn’t be surprised if my mother walked in right now and threw some anti-depressants at me. I also wouldn’t be surprised if Wesley showed up right now and beat the shit out of me. It would put me out of my misery. But she won’t. She’s probably over at our house soothing Court, which is where she needs to be. He needs comfort way more than I do. I don’t deserve comfort.

“Then call him on my phone and ask him to come get you,” I snap and then I close my eyes. I shouldn’t have snapped at him like that. He’s a child and he doesn’t understand what his Mommy did. I’m the bad guy here and Asher shouldn’t have to put up with me.

“Rachel, honey. I’ll give Courtney a call and see if I can take Asher over there.” She frowns at me from the doorway of my old bedroom. Or I should say my old new bedroom. I didn’t even notice she was standing there. “You need to rest right now. You’ve been through a lot in the last couple of weeks.”

“I haven’t been through anything. Court has. I did this to myself and he didn’t deserve it.” I stand up from the floor and walk into my bathroom. I shut the door softly and sink to the cold tile floor. Then I start sobbing because that’s all I can do. I can’t fix this and it’s killing me. I feel constantly sick and I know it’ll never go away.

It feels like hours later when “What Hurts The Most” by Rascal Flatts starts playing in my bedroom. I had curled into the fetal position on the floor and the song makes me lift my head up. This is such a sad song.

I finally climb off the floor and go back into my bedroom. Asher and my mother are no longer in the room and I feel guilty because I didn’t say goodbye to my baby. I hate that I’ve caused this confusion in him. Honestly, I just hate myself for all kinds of things right now.

When I find Paisley Vaughn sitting on my bed I about faint. She is the last person I would expect to find in my house, let alone in my bedroom. “You have a lot of nerve showing up here.”

She sighs and stands up. “You know me, Rachel. When have I ever not had the nerve to do anything?” She arches an eyebrow and crosses her arms over her chest. I see the tension in her shoulders and the slight shakiness of her hands. She’s not as calm and collected as she seems to be.

“You didn’t have the nerve to actually walk down the aisle and marry the love of your life,” I tell her and it’s true. No one saw that coming. I still remember the destruction of the church. Channing completely lost it. He had to be sedated for crying out loud. We never thought he would recover. I think he stayed stoned for three months just so he could be alive.

I shake my head because I don’t want to relive those times.

Paisley looks at me with all that sadness and regret you should feel when you fuck over everyone you love. And that’s what she did. She alienated herself from all her friends and Channing, who will love her for the rest of his life, regardless if he’s with her or not. He’s lived with me since Paisley left and he’s yet to even have sex with anyone else, let alone kiss them. He’ll probably one day find a girl to scratch his itches but it’ll be years down the road.

“You can give me sad eyes all you want but I won’t ever be on your side.” I move around the room and turn the music off. She put it on my heartbreaking playlist. I really don’t need that in my life right now.

“I don’t need you to be on my side. That’s not why I’m here.” I give her a sneer, knowing exactly why she’s here. I have no idea who could have told her but I’ll probably end up killing them brutally.

“How did you find out?” I sit down at my computer chair and rock back and forth out of boredom. This conversation isn’t going to happen no matter how good of friends we used to be.

“Annabella.” My eyes go wide at that statement and I find myself speechless.

“She didn’t really give me any details about how she knew. She just showed up at my house with a kid. Then she was like ‘Donovan sexually assaulted Rachel. Rachel thinks it’s all her fault and she could really use a friend right now.’ I didn’t believe her but I had to go pick up BeeBee from your house and Pierce looked like complete shit.”

That hurts my heart that Court looks like shit. I did that to him. “What happened with Donovan wasn’t assault. I never tried to stop him, not that I liked it or anything, but I never said no.”

Paisley rolls her eyes. “There are other forms of sexual assault. It doesn’t always involve rape. He touched you and you didn’t like it. Annabella said he used GHB on you and that’s probably why any of it happened in the first place.”

I think about the angry way he tried to take my pants off. I think about how confused I was about the whole thing. I could barely move my arms and legs. I thought it was because I was drunk but…no that’s not what happened. Donovan wouldn’t hurt anyone like that. He’s a good man. Well, not completely good since he came on to me. “It wasn’t like that. He didn’t drug me.”

Paisley stands up and moves across the room towards me. She crouches until she’s eye to eye with me. “Think about it Rachel. What would Donovan gain from trying to sleep with you? Think about how much Court loves you and how devastated he is. Donovan had motive and you know it.”

“That doesn’t make any sense! Why would he try to get back at Court five years after Court slept with Annabella? He’s been with me since then and he was fucking happy.” I close my eyes and block out how happy we were. “We’ll never be that happy again.”

“This isn’t your fault. Rachel, Donovan did this to make Court pay. Revenge makes people do crazy things and Donovan’s had plenty of time to plan his revenge. He waited until Pierce was secure and happy before he struck. That’s why you’re struggling with it. Neither of you were expecting it and that’s what that son of a bitch wanted.” She stands all the way up and moves away from me. “He didn’t care about you or Asher. And we all know he didn’t care about Pierce. I just want you to think on that. You have to see what’s really going on here. Not what your brain is telling you. Listen to your heart.” Then she picks up her bag off the floor and leaves the room.

I still don’t believe that Donovan would drug me and try to have sex with me simply to hurt Court. He could have done something years ago, he wouldn’t wait until now. It just doesn’t make any sense.

***

“There she is. See, I told you she didn’t run away.” I hear his voice in my sleep and it makes me smile. Court’s voice can always make me smile.

Then I open my eyes and realize he’s really here. He stands at my bedroom door holding our son and looking like hell. He’s never been more handsome to me. Probably because we haven’t gone one day without talking to each other. Unless you count that time I broke up with him for stupid as hell reasons. We’ll just forget that happened.

“What are y’all doing here?” I mumble, sitting up in bed and running my fingers through my hair.

“Asher thought you ran away and you weren’t ever coming back. He wouldn’t calm down until I promised to show him you were still in town.” He comes into the room and stops at the end of my bed.

Asher climbs down and onto my bed. His skinny arms wrap around my body and I use my hand to tangle with his wild hair. Since his Daddy now refuses to cut his hair, Asher refuses to cut his hair. It’s all over the place and on most days I can’t do a thing with it. “Momma I was scared. You always tuck me in and Daddy said you couldn’t today.”

I hold back tears and I avoid looking at Court. His eyes will blame me and I’ll start getting depressed all over again. Who am I kidding? I’m already fucking depressed. “How’s about you sleep in here with me tonight? I could use a bed buddy. It’ll help keep the bad dreams away.”

“Okay. I’ll keep them bad dreams away real good Momma. I promise.” We lay down and snuggle together. His head is under my chin and I love his little boy smell. It’ll break my heart once he grows up and won’t let me hold him anymore. Children should stay babies all their lives. Then we wouldn’t ever have to watch them move out of the house or get a girlfriend.

Shudder.

The bed dips again and Court settles in on the other side of Asher. I look up into his eyes and take a deep swallow. He doesn’t look pissed off at me or even hurt by me either. Though his shoulders are tense but whose wouldn’t be? Your wife cheats on you; you’re going to be tense for a while.

“What are you doing?” I finally ask. I can’t take him looking at me anymore. I know he’s not going to yell at me or talk shit about me right now; our son is in the room. I just dread the day when Asher isn’t in the room.

Court looks away from me but I still feel his eyes. How they pierce my skin and leave behind sorrow. “Spending the night with my family. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.”

“Isn’t it too much…” I trail off when he finally looks at me with anger.

“No G, it isn’t too much. You and I need to talk but it’s not going to be right now. We’re both tired, Asher’s tired and we’d say shit we didn’t mean right now.” Then he rolls to his back and closes his eyes after putting his hands behind his head.

“Okay then,” I say, snuggling Asher closer to me. The little bit is already asleep and snoring softly. This kid could sleep through anything. There was a pretty bad street war a couple of years ago. I don’t know any details, probably because I’m a chick, but word is Damien’s biker club pissed off the mob. I don’t know if that’s true but it was still scary. There were a few car bombs that went off out in the neighborhood. Asher slept right through it.

That was one of the best and scariest nights. Court huddled us in the basement and we talked for hours as we listened to the scanner. Asher slept on a sleeping bag and never once made a peep. I don’t think Court and I have cuddled or talked like that since then.

Don’t get me wrong, we still talk and cuddle but that night was different. It was like we fell in love all over again. Until Royal burst into the room spitting fire and ranting. He was scared shitless. Not that I blame him, we were scared too but we didn’t really think we were going to get blown up. And I had absolute faith that Court could protect us. He could protect anybody.

“Will you sing to me G?” Court whispers. I look over at him and see his green eyes staring at me. This time it doesn’t make me feel awkward or insecure. It just makes me feel loved. I’ll try not to question that right now.

Then I start singing “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston. After awhile Court’s eyes close but not before his arm reaches over both Asher and me. Before I know it, his hand is in my pants. Copping a feel even when we are fighting. Never fails. I laugh out loud, softly, and I catch the smirk on Court’s face.

The pair we make.

***

“You know the two of you have your own place. I thought for sure I’d never walk in on my baby boy feeling up his wife, ever again. Especially with my grandson in the room.” I open my eyes and look towards the door to see Lily standing there with her hands on her hips.

“Ma what are you doing here?” Court mumbles never taking his hand off my ass. I swear he glued it there.

“I came to make sure the Best Man and Maid of Honor are getting up on time. And I’m very irritated about this. I went to your house first and Channing said y’all were here. What in the hell is going on?” She starts tapping her foot and I seriously want to laugh but I don’t.

Court sighs and then his hand leaves my pants, finally. He gets out of bed wearing only his jeans. At least both of us are more clothed than the last time she walked in to wake us up. “I can’t talk about what’s going on with Asher in the room. And I’m not going to talk about it today anyway. Wes and Royal are getting married and we don’t need any more drama than is necessary.”

“That’s all cryptic and useless. But if what you have to tell me is going to make me upset, then I guess you should keep it to yourself.” Then she turns on her heels and flees the room. Probably going to have coffee with Mom.