Need Us (13 page)

“That’s probably a wise decision, considering she’s a bit grumpy all the time,” Channing says, rubbing the kid on his head.

Asher frowns and looks over at his mom. “The new baby makes her that way. I can’t wait until he’s here. Then maybe she’ll be less joyful.”

I look at Pierce and see him wince. “I accidently called her bitchy in front of him the other day. Then I had to explain to him for an hour that we can’t call Rach bitchy. We should call her joyful.”

Channing and I snicker while Pierce glares at us. Channing opens his mouth to say something when someone lets out a shriek. Chills race up my spine and I whip around to see Wesley falling to the floor. I don’t even think I just run to her. I shove a few people out of the way but I don’t notice who it is. “What’s wrong, girl?” I ask once I get to her.

“My water broke. Oh my god this shit hurts!” she screeches, causing a few of the kids in the room to cry. “Don’t just stand there, you idiots! Get me to the hospital! I need drugs!”

I blink at her for a few seconds and hold back my laughter. “Okay Duchess. You need to get off the floor first.”

Grayson appears at my side and I can tell he’s holding back his laughter too. “I told you that you’d go early. Them babies are getting too big to be in there.” He grabs one of her hands and I grab the other. Then we help her off the floor.

People part like Moses and the Red Sea but mostly because Wesley cusses them out of the way. I forgot she has such a dirty mouth sometimes. When we finally make it out the front door Wesley states, “Now you can get the fucking golf cart.”

I chuckle the whole way into my parent’s garage. When I pull it to the front steps Wesley waddles to the thing and Grayson helps her into the seat. Then he looks up at me. “Get her to the hospital. The rest of us will be right behind you.” And as he says that, Mom runs out of the house with a bag, followed by Rachel and Pierce. Channing follows them out the door holding Lily’s purse while she carries Asher.

I help Wesley into the car once we make it there. She cusses at me the whole way to the hospital for every bump or curve in the road. I calmly tell her I can’t help how the road is made. Then she bitches at me because I’m going too slow when, in fact, I’m going over the speed limit.

This is about the time I find blue lights shining in my rearview mirror. I groan and pull over to the side of the road. “What the fuck are you doing? I’m in fucking labor here, Royal!”

I take a deep breath before I cuss her right back out. “Well since there’s a cop behind us, I had to pull over or there’d be a high speed chase to the hospital.”

She turns around in her seat and looks behind us like I’m lying or something. Women. “Okay. Okay.”

I roll my window down as the officer approaches the vehicle. “Sir, did you know you were going twenty over the speed limit?”

I give him a tight smile and point at my very unhappy wife. “Her water broke. I’m sorry about the speeding but she’s having twins and my father-in-law, who’s her doctor, would have a fit if I didn’t get her to the hospital as soon as possible.”

He grins at me while Wesley softly curses under her breath. And by softly I mean she’s using her outside voice, instead of screeching. “No problem there, sir. We’ll get you there.” He turns to leave but stops and looks back at me. “I assume these are all for you?” He points behind the car.

I stick my head out the window and look back, only to see three cars parked behind the officer’s car. “Yes, sir. Those would be our family, we were all at a three-person baby shower.”

He chuckles and walks back to his car. He waves me on ahead of him and I pull back into traffic. He turns on his lights and his siren. “This one will be a good story for our kids. They got an escort to the hospital. You don’t hear about that one every day.”

“Just shut up and drive! Oh my god this fucking hurts!” She starts breathing in through her nose and out her mouth. “They better give me some fucking drugs and soon!”

I roll my eyes but only at the screaming. I know she’s in pain simply because she’s screaming. Though I don’t think it’s all that necessary. We’ll get there when we get there.

Five minutes later we pull through the emergency driveway and I stop the car. I wave at the officer as he passes us. Dad comes out of nowhere and we help get Wesley out of the car. Then he takes my car to the parking lot while Wesley gets checked in. They put her in a wheelchair and we have to take an elevator to the birthing floor or whatever they call it.

They take her into her own room and ask me to wait outside while they get her changed and checked over. I don’t like that too much but Grayson shows up shortly after in his scrubs and goes into the room. That makes me feel better.

Channing comes through the door next, followed by Pierce, Rachel and Paisley. Pierce and Channing stand on either side of me while the girls find some chairs to sit in.

After ten minutes the nurses come out and let us into the room. I move a chair next to Wesley’s bed while the others move to the back of the room where there is a table and chairs. Then we play the waiting game. Wesley wants to do everything possible to have them naturally because she read a cesarean can cause things to be wrong with the babies breathing because it doesn’t get pushed out during vaginal birth. I don’t know if that’s exactly what she told me but I know it was along those lines.

I love my wife and I love my kids but you can’t expect me to remember everything she tells me or that I read.

About six hours after we got here, Wesley’s dilated enough for an epidural. After that the screaming and carrying on stops. She actually seems pretty stoned to me but I don’t tell her that. She wanted the pain to stop and it did.

Six hours after that it’s time for her to push. Grayson kicks everyone out of the room except for Wes’s mom and me. Bentley sneaks his way into the room and Grayson pretends not to see him. The four of us are terrified for Wesley. I just hope nothing goes wrong at this point.

I hold one hand while Jenny holds the other. Bentley stands above her mopping sweat off her face. She pushes and she pushes for what feels like years but can only be twenty minutes. Then Grayson says he can see a head. Wesley gives a huge push and out comes the most beautiful little girl I’ve ever seen in my life. Grayson clears her mouth and she starts screaming. “We have one girl.” He hands her off to the waiting nurse and they take her over to this table thing with a light over it. They measure her and check her over.

I just can’t stop staring at her. She has brown eyes just like me, but she’s so small like Wesley.

Wesley looks exhausted. I bend over her and give her a long kiss. “Have you thought of a name yet?”

She glares at me and then gives me a look. “Dad another contraction.”

I move out of the way and grab her hand while Grayson asks her to push. Four minutes later Wesley pushes out another little miracle. This time it’s a boy. Grayson clears his mouth but he doesn’t start screaming like his older sister. He just looks around him until he finds me. Then he takes a leak all over his grandfather. Which has Bentley and I bursting out laughing.

Grayson takes the little boy over to the nurse who has his sister. The little girl finally stops crying when her brother is laid next to her. “Are they okay?” Wesley asks, looking around her legs at them.

“The boy has a little bit of jaundice. Nothing too serious. Other than that they are perfectly healthy.” Grayson beams at her. “You did good, baby bear.”

The afterbirth is not worth even talking about. Pierce told me it was like watching Rach give birth to an alien pod. So I chose to focus on my kids during that part.

Much later, after everyone has gone home and it’s just the four of us, Wesley finally agrees on names. “Maribel Adele Sanders and Maximus Adam Sanders.” I send it out in a mass text to all the people waiting on my wife to pick out the names.

Then as Wesley falls asleep I hold them both in my arms. Max holds onto my finger the whole time while Mari drools on my shoulder.

It’s the happiest day of my whole fucking life.

Channing

I walk into Royal and Wesley’s house to find them both bouncing a baby in their arms. The twins seem to be asleep but they still shush me when I enter the room. I stand in the doorway while Royal lays baby Max into his bassinet. He backs away slowly keeping his eye on the sleeping baby. When it seems he’s going to stay asleep he waves me towards the backyard.

We sit down in the wicker chairs sitting right off the back porch. Royal groans once his ass hits the seat. “I know they are only two days old, but shit, they seriously don’t want to sleep.”

I want to laugh but that seems inappropriate. Plus, it seems like bad karma considering I have a kid due in a few weeks. “I can imagine.”

Royal leans all the way back in the chair and closes his eyes. “Wes says they’ll start at some point. Just not any time soon. I’m so glad I got a few weeks leave myself. This is going to be hard to get used to.”

“I was wondering the other day how you got stuck with the twins considering Rachel was always the worse one. Seems she should be paying for her raising, not you.” And that is seriously true. Royal and I didn’t do a whole lot that we could get in trouble for. We mostly played cop and robber or swam in either of our pools. Rachel threw tantrums constantly and followed us everywhere. She used to wear her good clothes outside to play with us and get them covered in dirt. And she used to pull pranks on everyone. She was a down right terror.

Royal shrugs. “Years ago I would say it’s because she married Pierce, but I like the guy now so I won’t say that. It’s probably because she could handle it with her arms tied behind her back. She’s badass like that.”

I smile and lean my head all the way back into the chair. That’s about the time Royal decides to get serious. “You need to go and fix everything with Paisley. And I mean all of it. Not just some of it, all of it. You two will never love anyone else, no matter what you do. And you have a kid coming and I know it will be an infant, but they sense things and you two not being together is just wrong.” I open my eyes and turn my head to look at him. His soulful brown eyes stare back at me with all the secrets I thought I was holding. “We all know you love her. We all know you want to be with her. You’re the only one holding back. Yes, she hurt you, but we’ve all been hurt by our women. Hell, Rach left Pierce while she was pregnant and with no good excuse other than he didn’t want to share some seriously painful memories. Wesley almost went to the underworld because she couldn’t let go of a dead guy. Yeah, Trey was a good dude and she didn’t deserve to lose him, but I was alive and breathing. I was standing right in front of her trying to fix her. Look at Ash and Damien. I could keep going on and on. You deserve to be happy, Channing. It’s been over a year and she’s paid enough penance. Pull your head out of your ass and go get back together.” Then he stands up out of the chair, pats me on the shoulder and walks back into the house.

When she first found out she was pregnant, Paisley and I spent a lot of time together. But I couldn’t just let it go. It kept eating at me. I don’t care what she says, you leave someone at the altar, you refuse their hand in marriage, and it’s a hard pill to swallow. That kind of rejection is serious. It’s one thing to turn down a proposal, but to commit to that proposal then back out on it without even talking to the other, is a serious offense.

She hurt me, more than I ever thought she could. It put a lot of things into perspective for me. I realized how much power she had over me, how much she meant to me. I knew I loved her. I knew I’d loved her pretty much since the moment I met her, that’s why I ran in the opposite direction. She scares the shit out of me, more now than when we first met. What if she hurts me again? What if she hurts our child by taking off?

I couldn’t handle all those thoughts so I ran. I stopped going over to her house and I stopped answering the phone. I shut her out just the way she shut me out. Love is a fickle son of a bitch. I think I know down to my bones I could never love anyone else. Not with my whole heart. Paisley will always own a huge chunk of it and that will just get in the way of another relationship.

She’s my one and only.

I hate that and I love it. She’s still so confusing and I don’t know what she’s thinking. I used to be able to read her like a book but now it’s like she’s closed herself off to me. Or maybe I just close myself up to much.

I get up off the chair and walk through the gate to go back to my car. I see Wesley standing in the window holding Mari. She grins at me and waves when I get into my car. I blow her a kiss and shut the door. Then I back out of the driveway and head to Paisley’s house. I always find myself heading to her house. Though I don’t have the guts to get out of the car and knock on her door. I associate Paisley with love and pain now. She isn’t just love. She has a shroud of pain around her now too. And the both of us put it there.

I park in her driveway and I stare out into nothing. I don’t even know what to say. How do I fix this and how do I let her know I want her but I’m scared she’ll hurt me again? I see a napkin sitting on the floor of my car. I bend over to pick it up and then I dig around in the center console for my pen. I always have a pen so I can write down ideas I have about my books.

Then I write down the words I can’t say in person. I write her a poem; much like I did the night I realized she was the one.

Why is it so hard to be in love with you?

I see all the future I need in your eyes

Yet I’m lost and adrift at sea

Maybe that’s your fault or maybe it’s mine

I just know I love you

I’ve loved you with all my heart since the moment I met you

You took a piece of me and I’ve yet to get it back

The piece that’s missing is the one that trusted you

How do I get that back?

I wanted you to see the damage you’ve inflicted

I never meant to hurt you as well

I only wanted you to hurt but I never wanted to follow through

I look at you and only see love and pain

Broken hearts and battered brains

Can we fix ourselves?

I think we can, if only I get that piece back

So have trust in me to have trust in you

When I finally get the nerve to get out of my car, Maggie comes running up to me. I bend down and stick my face in her neck. I wasn’t supposed to have a dog considering Margret is allergic to them, so I talked Kellan into letting his grandparents take her in so she would still be close enough. I just never thought she would become more Paisley’s than she was mine. I used to sit out in the woods with her and I’d talk to her for hours. Once upon a time she held all my secrets.

I find a paper clip in my car and I pin the poem to Maggie’s collar. Then I have her scratch at the front door. I move away from the door and crouch behind a bush. I peek through the limbs and find Paisley opening the door. Her belly is fucking huge now and I almost worry she has two babies in there instead of one. She bends down to pet Maggie and takes the napkin off her collar.

She reads the poem and I see tears leaking out of her eyes. I hate it when she cries. It’s like someone took my heart and decided to play kickball with it. She stands up and looks around. I take a deep breath and I stand up from behind the bush. She’s wearing a pair of yoga pants and a black sweater. The sweater might be a little too small for her considering a little of her stomach is peeking out from the bottom.

I move towards her and I find my hand lands on that part of her stomach. “Let’s get you inside before you catch a cold.”

She takes careful steps backwards but I have a tight grip on her. That makes me feel a brick load of regret. Even if I’m pissed at her, that shouldn’t be an excuse not to make sure she’s okay. I mean she is carrying my kid. It’s my job to protect her and the kid. I’m such a douchebag.

That’s about the time she slaps me across the face. I want to say it’s the slap heard around the world but she starts yelling at me long before anyone else can hear it. “You douche canoe!”

“What the fuck did I do?” I shout back, watching as she sits down on the couch.

“I’m pregnant. I’m scared. And you can’t get your fucking head on straight.” She huffs out a breath and crosses her arms over her chest. “I know I hurt you. God do I know that. Everyone and their mothers have let me fucking know how much I hurt you. But we’re about to have a kid, you’d think I would deserve a little more courtesy than I’ve been getting.” She puts her head in her hands and sobs.

I feel like a truck hit me. It’s hard to understand anyone else is in pain when that’s all you feel. I didn’t realize I could be hurting her this much. I was too selfish. I sink down to my knees in front of her. I wrench her hands away from her face and make her look at me. “You broke my fucking heart Paisley. None of this shit is easy. I want to be with you most days but others I kind of wish you’d disappear and never come back. I can’t simply let all that pain go because you got pregnant. That’s not how life works. Life is complicated and feelings matter.”

Her hand comes up and lands on the cheek she slapped, this time gently. “What you can’t seem to understand is I hurt myself as well. I left you behind and you are my other half. I’m not a whole person when I’m not with you. I feel like I’ve spent the past year and nine months looking for you when you were right here. I just didn’t know it at the time.”

“That’s the problem. I’ve always been here. I never left, you did. And everyone expects me to forgive and forget that just because you’re pregnant. That’s just not how I see it.” I reach up and wrap my hand around her wrist. I stare into her blue-green eyes and I lose a bit of myself. “You promise me, you promise me on everything you hold dear in this world that you’ll never leave me again, and I won’t ever walk out that door without telling you when I’ll be back.”

I use my other hand to wipe away a few tears leaking out of her eyes. “I promise you. I don’t ever want to leave again, no matter what happens. I’m so fucking sorry I did in the first place.”

I put my forehead on hers and I stare at her. “I won’t ever ask you to marry me again. That ship has sailed, but if you feel like having my last name, we can go to the courthouse and get married that way. But there won’t ever be another big affair like everyone else had.”

She looks sad for a second but I know it’s because she lost out on that chance. And that’s the reason I got hurt in the first place. “Maybe one day I’ll have enough courage for that.”

“I don’t care about that any more. I just want you to be with me. Living in the same house and sharing my life. It’s the same fucking deal anyway.” I don’t let her reply, I just start kissing her.

We go to the bedroom and we make love as a soft rain starts to fall outside. It’s almost like the first time we did. With the rain outside and the new way her body feels. Every touch feels like the first time and every whimper or moan from her mouth is like new music to my ears.

I missed the way she tastes and the way she is in bed. No one could ever possibly measure up to her. I was stupid the past six months. Just the way she was stupid when she left me in the first place. Somehow though I’ve learned to let it all go. I’ve learned that pain and love are one in the same. The person you love the most in the world has the power to destroy you or make you.

And Paisley Vaughn has always made me.

***

“Ohhh,” Paisley moans beside me in the early morning light.

Then I feel something kicking into my back. The feeling is strange considering it’s coming from Paisley’s stomach.

I turn over in our bed and stare down at her. With the soft light I can see a little foot imprinted under her skin. I can’t help it when I reach down to touch her there. I feel it then, something I’ve never felt before. She’s gotten to carry our kid with her for the past nine months but I have yet to feel like the kid was a real thing.

I’m going to be someone’s dad. There’s a little person in there that will put all their hopes and dreams in my hand. I’ll be responsible for all their happiness and love. It’s a humbling thing to think about. And I realize I can’t find a memory in my head that makes me more happy than right now.

“Does the baby wake you up like this often?” I ask softly, watching as my kid’s foot slides along my palm from under Paisley’s smooth skin.

“She does. She’s a very active little thing. Plus, I keep having these crazy dreams that make no sense at all. Those wake me up more than she does.” She yawns and smothers her mouth with her hand.

I know she knew what we were having but I never thought to ask. Not because I didn’t care but mostly because I didn’t want to speak to Paisley. It might be heartless of me but I wasn’t ever clear headed while Paisley and I weren’t together. Pain and remorse seemed to guide all my actions.

“So we’re having a girl?” I ask when she gets done yawning.

She smiles at me then and lifts a hand up to run through my hair. “We’re having a girl. I haven’t picked out a name yet. I wanted to do that with you.”

“I wanna name her Ashley. And I want the older Ashley to be the godmother.” I have yet to move my hand from Paisley’s stomach. I just feel so goddamn proud and I haven’t even met my daughter yet.