Nantucket Romance 3-in-1 Bundle (102 page)
“By all means,” the man said, ushering her forward.
She couldn’t take her eyes from the altar. It drew her like a magnet. She did want to pray. Like Renny. Like Tucker. Like
her
, before her life fell apart. She
needed
to pray.
Maybe she’d find answers or, at least, solace. She’d missed that and only now realized how much.
She needed to pray because the web she’d become ensnared in was too big, too sticky to escape on her own—it didn’t take a genius to see that.
And yet, after seeing Tucker’s sister, after the reminder of what she’d done that night, of all she’d done since . . . she felt unworthy.
She stopped at the sanctuary’s entrance. It was so . . . white in there. White walls, white pews, white altar and pillars. Did her presence sully the place? Did she have the right to be in a holy sanctuary? In the presence of a holy God? Would the usher have thrown her out if he knew what she’d done?
Would God strike her dead for having the nerve to enter his house? Because she realized with sudden clarity that he did know. Knew everything she’d done, from that first week on the island through her lies and charade. She’d blocked it from her mind all these months, pretending he didn’t see or didn’t care enough to notice.
Yet, what hope did she have on her own? Would he mind her return if she was seeking his help?
A movement at the altar caught her eye. A woman was hunched over the bottom step of the pulpit in prayer. There were others dotting the pews. Their presence gave her the boldness to take one step and then another.
Her courage grew as she neared the altar, but her heart took a dozen beats for each step down the long aisle. She didn’t recognize the woman at the altar until she was nearly upon her.
“Renny.” Sabrina didn’t mean to say it aloud, to disturb her friend from prayer.
Renny raised her head. Her eyes were red rimmed. “Sabrina . . .”
She’d never seen Renny cry. Not even when her beloved pet bird died suddenly. She knelt by her friend, forgetting her own troubles. “What’s wrong? Did something happen?”
Renny wiped her nose with a tissue that was wadded in her fist. “I’m fine. I’m here about my stories.”
“Your stories?”
Renny nodded, wiping her eyes.
Sabrina waited for her to continue.
Renny laid her hand on her heart. “I’ve really been fighting
El
Shaddai
—God—on this one.”
“What do you mean?”
“I was afraid. So afraid, it paralyzed me. I couldn’t send them, I just couldn’t.”
Sabrina settled down lower beside Renny. “Oh, Renny.”
“Can you believe fear can be so paralyzing? I’ve been afraid my whole life, hiding away in my big house with nothing but a view of the ocean. My fear has been a wall that’s separated me from freedom. It kept me from pursuing my dreams and living a full life. I’d write a story, intending to send it. Then I’d hit that wall of fear and decide it was too hard to get to the other side. Too thick, too high. Too scary. Rather than face the anxiety, I’d hide on the safe side of the wall, where it’s not so scary.”
“But you can change that.”
Renny dabbed her eyes. “With God’s help, I’m going to do it. I’m going to send my babies out there, all nine of them. If they all come back, I’ll find a way to deal with it. He’ll help me through it.”
“I’m so glad to hear that.” Sabrina patted her shoulder, wishing, not for the first time, that she was a hugger. She was sure Renny could use one. Spontaneously, she reached over and put her arms around the woman.
Renny gave her a tight squeeze, then released her a few moments later. “Well, enough of my blubbering. What brings you here,
amita
?”
Sabrina breathed a laugh. “I’ve been doing a little hiding of my own. I’m so confused.” She rubbed her temple.
“I left my scalp massager at home . . . that always clears my confusion.” Sabrina smiled, but Renny wasn’t joking. “Well, never mind that. Want to talk about it?”
Before she could lose her nerve, Sabrina spilled the whole story. Renny already knew about Jaylee and Jared, but Sabrina had never told her friend about the night of her transgression or the charade with Arielle. She finished the story with the moment on the pier that now seemed like hours ago.
Renny listened, offering nods of encouragement and sighs of sympathy. When Sabrina was finished, Renny pulled a clean tissue from her pocket and handed it to her.
They’d shifted and now they sat on the altar steps, their backs to the pulpit. The others who’d come to pray or think had left.
“I’m tired of doing this alone,” Sabrina said.
“Doing what alone?”
“I turned on God after Jaylee and Jared betrayed me. And then I committed adultery with another woman’s husband and felt too ashamed to return.”
“Ahhh . . . The same sin that separated you and God, separated you and Tucker.”
“I never thought of it that way, but you’re right. I have a wall just like you, and it’s right between me and God. I don’t want it there anymore.”
“Oh, honey, it doesn’t have to be. He’s received many a prodigal child, myself included. Just come back to him. It’s called
teshuvah
. Returning, a repentance of sin.”
Was it that simple? Would he receive her after she’d rejected him? After she’d committed that despicable act?
She’d royally messed up. She’d done to another woman what Jaylee had done to her. She felt ashamed and unworthy. Unworthy of freedom and happiness. Unworthy of God’s mercy. Her wall
was
too thick. Too high.
“What I did was so—I still feel dirty. I knew better, and yet I . . .”
“God is standing at the top of the wall with a rope. You only have to take hold of it. You can trust him, Sabrina.”
Can I, God?
“But, I’ve got this huge mess . . .”
“He knows that. And he’s not going to wave a magic wand and make it disappear, but he’ll help you do what’s right. Help you overcome your fears—just like he did mine.”
Sabrina thought of Renny’s years of hard labor. “You’ve been fighting that one a long time.”
Renny grinned. “Okay, so it took me a while. You’re a faster learner than I am.”
Sabrina was tired of hiding on this side of the wall. Tired of the limitations when the other side offered so much freedom.
All right, God, I’m grabbing the rope. Are you okay with that?
“He loves you, Sabrina. So much,
amita
.”
Sabrina stared into the darkened sanctuary, feeling calm for the first time in months. The wall was still thick. It was still high. But Jesus held the rope, and he’d help her over it. Somehow, some way, he’d get her safely to the other side.
Sweetpea: I hate being the bearer of bad news. Once, Jaylee double-booked herself for prom. I had to tell the guy who came second that she’d already left with someone else. I’ll never forget the look on his face.
Dear Tucker,
Sabrina typed the words, then stared at the blinking cursor until it mesmerized her. She’d emailed Arielle as soon as she’d returned from the church. She’d apologized for her harsh words and said she understood why Arielle had left. She’d even managed to thank her cousin. Arielle would get the message when she returned to Macon, and they’d undoubtedly settle things over a phone call.
But her letter to Tucker . . . What could she say? She tapped her fingers on the keyboard. He would expect her to give some reason for leaving the island. And she had to let him know she couldn’t see him again.
She wanted to tell him that she and God were back on speaking terms. Maybe she could include that too. He’d be thrilled for her.
But first, how could she explain Arielle’s departure without telling another lie? She was adamant about avoiding more lies.
All that deception had gotten her nowhere.
Tucker’s words from the week before popped into her mind.
“Unfortunately, I can’t explain why I kissed you. But I don’t regret it.”
That’s what she would do. Offer no explanation and ask him to trust her.
The phone rang, and she was grateful for the disruption. Probably Renny calling to set up a brainstorming session now that the creative neurons were firing again.
“Hello?” Sabrina tucked the phone into her shoulder and swiped away cookie crumbs Arielle had left behind.
“Sabrina?”
Tucker.
She dropped the crumbs in the trash and rubbed her hands together. Was it too late to hang up?
“Yeah.” She could hit herself for not writing Tucker as soon as she’d returned.
“Hey, how’s it going?”
“Fine.”
Except everything is fixing to fall apart.
She covered her face.
“I was wondering if I could drop by tonight. My sister’s visiting for the weekend, and I wanted her to meet you. I mean, you and Arielle.”
This cannot be happening
. “Uh . . . Arielle’s not here.” Sabrina paced across the room.
“Will she be back soon?”
Here goes
. Sabrina swallowed the dry lump in her throat. “I—I have something I need to tell you.”
“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” The concern in his voice about broke her.
“Arielle left. I mean, she left the island.” She gentled her voice, stealing herself against the pain she was causing. “I—I don’t think she’s coming back.” Her heart hurt for him. She wanted to coat the words with chocolate or something to make them go down easier, but there was no way to sweeten them.
“She left?”
Sabrina heard the surprise in his voice. “I’m sorry, I—I don’t know what to say.” An understatement. A huge understatement.
Please don’t press for details.
“Did she say why?”
A question she could answer honestly.
Thanks, God
. “Not really. She was packing when I got home from work, had a cab waiting. I’m sorry she left without an explanation. I’m sure she’ll be in contact soon.”
She’s in the middle of writing you as we speak.
A silence ensued. A long one that made her wonder if Tucker was still on the line. Then finally, he spoke. “It’s okay, Sabrina. I think I understand.”
He did? Had something happened between Tucker and Arielle after all? Had he kissed her? Told her he loved her?
Please, no
. She couldn’t bear the thought of him whispering those words into her cousin’s ear, of seeing Arielle wrapped in his arms the way Jaylee had been in Jared’s. She scrubbed the image from her mind.
“Sabrina?”
He didn’t sound hurt or depressed. She was confused. “I’m here. Just be watching for that email.”
“I will.”
“Yeah, so I’ll—uh—see you bright and early, then.”
“See you tomorrow.”
She turned off the phone and set it in the cradle, their final words ringing in her ears. She couldn’t go to work the next day. Or even Sunday. What if Tucker brought Tracey? She could ruin everything with just one word.
Sweetpea: My dad whistled when he was happy. That was before my mom died, so I was little, but I still remember the tune, the way his lips puckered, and the way it made the whole house cheery.
The next morning there was no email response from Tucker. Sabrina puttered around the house, cleaning and reading all day, hoping the time would pass quickly, eager to hear from him. She’d taken two personal days and asked Char to fill her spot so Gordon would have no cause to complain.
When evening arrived, she opened her email again. In her message, Sabrina had said as little as possible about her departure from the island. Arielle’s departure, she corrected herself. She’d spent most of the email expressing her joy at finding peace with God. She knew Tucker would rejoice with her.
While writing the letter, Sabrina also had come to grips with her anger toward Jared and Jaylee. How could she hold a grudge against her cousin after God had forgiven her? It was time to let it go. She’d told Tucker that too.
Now, she opened her email program and smiled when she found Tucker’s reply in her inbox. Finally.
I’m so happy for you. I sense a new freedom in the tone of your message, and I couldn’t be more pleased. Isn’t it amazing how God accepts us right where we are, regardless of where we’ve been or what we’ve done? It’s such a foreign concept in this world that it’s hard to fathom.
I’m also glad you’ve found it in your heart to forgive your cousin and ex-fiancé. I can’t believe you’re going to the wedding—I’m so proud of you. I’d love to go with you, if you’ll have me. I admit that it relieves my mind to know you’re able to put Jared behind you completely. Does that make me a selfish jerk?
I want to talk with you more about all this, but my sister, Tracey, is visiting for the weekend so my spare time will be limited for a couple days. Know that I’m thinking about you and missing you.
Sabrina couldn’t keep the smile from forming. She reread his letter and noticed he hadn’t said anything about her leaving except that he missed her. Obviously he couldn’t go to the wedding, still a few weeks away—but, oh, how she wished he could be there with her.