Nameless (6 page)

But Erin was a
realist now—a cynic, as Seth labeled her—and she never expected any of her
dreams to come true.

She dropped her
bag on the floor, shrugged off her jacket, and then collapsed on her couch.

Even her
breasts were hurting today, and she sneered down at them, feeling crabby at the
entire world—including her breasts—and wishing she didn’t have to go back into
work tomorrow.

Being pregnant
sucked.

It was a wonder
that anyone did it.

She tried to
relax and was about to doze off when a ringing phone startled her awake—making
her sit up with a jerk and causing her stomach to heave a little. She really
should have eaten something when she got home. Having an empty stomach always nauseated
her more.

Breathing
deeply and laying back down on the couch, Erin reached over to pick up her
telephone. “Hello.”

“Hi,” a
familiar male voice spoke on the other end of the line. “It’s me. Seth.”

“Hi.” She’d
only seen Seth once since their encounter in his office—and that was in a
meeting with their lawyers as they were negotiating terms for a parental
arrangement. That meeting had gone much more smoothly than Erin had expected,
and her lawyer had told her that Seth must have gone into the negotiations
intending to be agreeable, since he hadn’t asked for anything that Erin wasn’t
willing to give.

Other than
that, Erin had been so wrapped up in being pregnant and trying to envision her
life in the future that she hadn’t thought about Seth in any significant way
for more than a week.

“Just checking
in,” he explained. “I hadn’t heard from you, and I’d mentioned that I’d like to
be kept up-to-date with the pregnancy.”

“Oh,” she
mumbled, trying to decide if she had the energy to go into the kitchen and find
some crackers to eat. “Right. Well, it’s only been a couple of weeks. Nothing
new is happening.”

“Everything is
going smoothly?” he asked, his voice cool and impersonal.

Erin had no
idea what he was asking or why he wanted to know. Maybe he just wanted to know
if the baby was healthy so far. She hadn’t taken him for a worrier, but what
the hell did she know. “Everything’s fine. I feel like crap, of course, but
that’s normal. Everything’s progressing as it should. I saw the heartbeat last
week.”

There was a
significant pause. “You saw the heartbeat?”

“Yes.” She felt
just a flicker of sentiment at the memory of that moment in the doctor’s
office. She supposed, for some women, that would have been a deeply emotional
experience, but for her it had been kind of hard.

She hadn’t told
anyone but Seth about the pregnancy yet, so she’d basically gone through it
alone. Rather than making her feel nurturing and motherly, it had terrified
her. Concrete evidence of what was happening inside her body.

Maybe she would
have felt differently if she’d had a husband to experience the heartbeat with
her, but she’d left the appointment feeling rather strange and uncomfortable.
Wondered if it was proof that she was an unnatural mother. “They did an
ultrasound at my last appointment, and the heartbeat is normal.”

Another long
pause from Seth. “And I’m just hearing about it now?”

 “Was I
supposed to report it to you? It was just a routine thing.”

Seth’s voice
was a little tight as he responded. “I thought I’d made it clear that I wanted
to be involved in the pregnancy and not just wait until the child is born.”

“Well, yeah, but
I thought...I mean, I didn’t know I was going to have to tell you every little
thing.” She scowled, feeling horrible and now annoyed with Seth for making her
feel like she’d done something wrong. “Would you like to know how many times I
throw up each week? Or how many times I have to get up to pee every night? Just
what kind of involvement are you expecting?”

“You’re being
intentionally obtuse. You obviously know there’s a difference between that and
the first detection of the heartbeat.”

“For God’s
sake,” Erin complained, knowing he had a point but kind of surprised by it. Who
would have thought Seth Thomas would want to hear about such a thing? “Don’t
get snotty. I’m sorry. I should have let you know. I guess I didn’t think
that’s what you meant by being involved.”

“And what did
you think I did mean then?”

Erin thought
for a moment. Admitted, “I have no idea. I’m sorry. Next time something like
that happens, I’ll let you know.”

Her words were
followed by another tense silence. “And I suppose it’s also unimaginable that I
might not want to merely hear about it afterwards?”

She actually
groaned—only partly because she felt so wretchedly ill. “Are you kidding me? You’re
saying you want to be there at the appointments? Please don’t tell me you’re
getting sappy ideas about this whole endeavor and you want to hold my hand or
something.”

“It’s not
prompted by sappiness, so no need for you to cringe.” He still sounded a little
unpleasant. “But I told you I wanted to be involved. My understanding is that
it’s a fairly typical father’s involvement.”

“Maybe, but
we’re not in a relationship, and I’m not that thrilled about your being present
at my pelvic exams. I don’t want things to get weird between us.”

The quality of Seth’s
silence was different than before, and she could tell he wasn’t annoyed now but
rather sorting through his thoughts. “When is your next scheduled ultrasound?”

“I don’t know. They
don’t just do them at the drop of a hat, so it might be a while before—”

“I’ll contact your
doctor.”

“You sure as
hell will
not
! They wouldn’t talk to you anyway. I’ll find out and let
you know. You can come to the next one if you want, but I’m not going to invite
you to everything. Just because I’m having a baby doesn’t mean I have to give up
all my privacy.”

“Agreed. Call
my office with the time and place of the next ultrasound.’

Erin muttered
under her breath for a minute. Then said, “If you descend into gooey sentiment
over this pregnancy, I’ll be greatly disappointed in you.”

 “No worries on
that score, but I’ve told you more than once now that I want to be involved.”

 “Fine. You
better be nice to me, you know. My hormones have been going crazy, so I might
burst into tears at any second.”

“I’ll tread
lightly. Thanks for the warning.” It sounded like he might be smiling. “Does
anyone else know about this yet?”

She wondered
how he’d known to ask that question. “Not yet. I’ve got to tell my dad and Liz this
weekend. Everyone else...whenever.”

“What will you
tell people at work?”

“I was thinking
about that. I don’t want anyone to think there’s some sort of conflict of
interest, with my working for the judge and being pregnant with your child, so
I was hoping not to let people know—”

“Yes,” Seth
interrupted. “I agree. I’d rather not have it gossiped about all over the
stratosphere anyway. We should keep this quiet, as much as possible.”

She let out a
relieved sigh.

“Are you in a
relationship with someone for which this will be a negative factor?”

It was such an
indirectly worded question that it took Erin a minute to figure out what he was
asking. “Am I dating anyone, you mean? No. Not at the moment. And, with the way
things normally go, probably not for a really long time.”

“I guess being
pregnant might discourage some men.”

He sounded
amused, so she responded in kind. “You’re one of those men, right? You’d never
date a pregnant chick, would you?”

“I don’t know—”

She snorted.

“Now who’s
making hasty assumptions based on lack of evidence?”

“What do you
mean lack of evidence? I have the evidence of a whole line of gorgeous women
you’ve dated for the last ten years. Not one of them was pregnant. That’s
evidence coming out of the—”

“All right.
Enough.”

She stopped
talking automatically, and then was furious with herself for letting him tell
her what to do, even in something so small.

She was about
to keep talking, merely to prove that she could, but her stomach started
churning dangerously. “I’ll let you know about the next ultrasound. I’ve got to
eat dinner or else I might throw up.”

“Okay. Get
something to eat. Keep me updated.”

They hung up,
and Erin took a deep breath before hauling herself to her feet. She was a
little dizzy at first, so she kept breathing deeply, holding on to the arm of
the couch for support.

“Ridiculous,”
she muttered faintly. “Why the hell am I doing this?”

There was no
answer. Not from her empty apartment. Not from her stomach. She couldn’t even
answer the question for herself.

She took a step
toward the kitchen, resolving that tomorrow after work she’d make sure to eat
something before she collapsed on the couch.

On her fourth
step, she realized she was too late, so she had a very unpleasant interlude dry
heaving into a wastebasket.

***

Two days later, she sat in her
father’s warm, messy kitchen. She’d asked him to put up the dirty dishes, since
seeing them now sometimes made her want to gag, but there were still books and
papers scattered around, as well as piles of unopened mail.

But that was
just her father, and the sight of such sloppiness was familiar and reassuring.

She’d just
explained to him about her pregnancy and what her plans were for the future. Now
she was sitting nervously, trying to study his face, praying he wouldn't be
disappointed in her.

Finally, he
furrowed his brow. “You’re pregnant? By Seth Thomas? But you’re going to raise
the child on your own?”

She nodded, her
throat closing up at his disbelieving tone. “I am. It was a really difficult
decision, and I know it might be hard to understand. And I'm sure it’s not what
you might have wanted for me.”

She swallowed
hard, feeling unexpectedly emotional. Hormones, probably. “But this is what I
want to do, and I hope you know I didn’t go out and do something careless to
get myself into it. I mean, we took precautions, but...” She hoped this would
be enough explanation of that particular concern, because she really didn’t
want to discuss condom failure with her father. “I know it might take a little
while to get used to the idea, so you don’t have to say anything now if you
don’t want to. I’m prepared to do this on my own. I’m not going to be expecting
anyone’s help.”

“On your own?”
he repeated, his face still rather stunned.

“I mean, Seth
will be involved to a certain extent, but we’re not in a relationship and we’re
not going to be. This is my thing, and I’m going to take responsibility for
it.”

Liz had been
surprised but excited, which was what Erin had expected from her sister. But she
hadn’t realized before just how desperately she wanted her father’s support in
this too. She knew he loved her, but he’d always been traditional, and she was
sure he’d never expected her to get into this kind of situation.

Her face
crumpled a little, but she forced herself to speak clearly. “I’ll understand if
you need some time to adjust, but I hope you won’t be too disappointed in me.” She
closed her eyes for a moment, feeling disgusted with herself for the
unnecessary emotion.

His face
changed. Smoothed out. Something soft awoke in his eyes. “Disappointed? How
could I possibly be disappointed? I’ve always been so proud of you. And now I’m
going to have a grandkid.”

And, for him,
it was as simple as that.

Erin lay on her couch, watching
the muted television and thinking about Seth.

He’d called her
every evening at about this time for the last two weeks. After work, she’d
talked to her dad, who’d gushed about the baby for fifteen minutes, and then
she’d talked to Liz, who’d asked her a bunch of questions about her plans for
childcare that had just upset her.

But Seth hadn’t
yet called.

Finally, she
picked up the phone and called him.

He answered on
the second ring, but his voice was muffled. “Thomas.”

“Hey,” she said
cheerfully, feeling a little nervous since she still wasn’t used to calling him
up. “It’s Erin.”

“Is everything
all right?” he demanded, his voice still sounding thicker than normal.

“Yeah,” she said,
realizing that she must have startled him by calling out of the blue. “I was
just checking in. I hope I’m not interrupting anything.”

Seth definitely
sounded odd, and she was starting to have the rather uncomfortable notion that
she’d interrupted him during a bout of wild sex. It was a little early in the
evening for that, but, still, his voice was definitely not normal.

She tried to
remember what he sounded like in bed. Realized the huskiness was vaguely
familiar.

Maybe that was
why he hadn’t called this evening.

“No,” Seth replied.
“How are you?”

Her eyes
widened at the slightly disconnected response, but she replied naturally, “I’m
fine. I’m so glad the first trimester is over. I’ve been feeling a lot better
this week, and I’m not even as tired as I was before.”

“Good.”

“Are
you
okay?”

“Yeah.”

“You sound
odd.” She tried to pin down what it was. She was still visualizing him naked in
bed, which really wasn’t something she should think about. She definitely hoped
he didn’t have a gorgeous, unclad woman next to him at the moment.

His voice was
cold when he replied, “I’m not.”

And that should
really tell her something, since—while cool and arrogant—it wasn’t an entirely
coherent response.

“Well, don’t
get snippy. I’m just saying you
sound
odd. Are you sick?”

“No.”

And then
suddenly Erin realized what it was. Would have figured it out immediately if
she hadn’t distracted herself with the possibility of his having sex. “You’ve
been drinking!”