Nameless (5 page)

She felt better
getting that said, putting up her defenses, making her strongholds clear.

She’d learned
the need to do that with Marcus too. Otherwise, any decision she made became
irrelevant.

“Excellent. I’m
glad to hear it. So I won’t misinterpret anything that occurs here. So what was
it you wanted to tell me, then?”

Erin had
considered various ways of approaching the issue, but she’d decided the blunt
announcement would be the easiest. For her, anyway.

So, “I’m
pregnant.”

Seth blinked
three times.

Erin didn’t say
anything else. Just watched him carefully. Tried to gauge his reactions and
also give him a little time to process what she’d said.

After a moment,
he adjusted his hand on the desk. His fingers flexed and then relaxed, but that
was the only move he made. “And I’m to assume it’s mine?”

“I wouldn’t be
here otherwise.”

Seth’s eyes
never left her face, and he appeared to search her expression for an underlying
motivation or agenda. “And have you decided what you’re going to do?”

For a moment,
she hesitated. She’d decided two weeks ago, but telling Seth—the first person
to whom she would speak the words—would make it real. Would make it final
somehow. “I’m having the baby.” She met his eyes directly. “And keeping it.”

He inclined his
head—not quite a nod but close to one. Then he asked something she never would
have expected. “Why?”

Erin felt
ridiculously put on the spot. “Do I owe you an explanation? Why does it
matter?”

 “I was just
curious. I never would have expected you to make that particular choice.”

Resentment rose
up in Erin unexpectedly, even though he was simply voicing thoughts she’d had
more than once herself.

He looked at
her with elevated eyebrows, as if he fully expected she’d tell him whatever he
wanted to know. As if he were entitled to such private information from a woman
with whom he’d spent only one night.

“What right do
you have to presume to know me at all, particularly regarding a choice like
this? Women like me don’t always choose to do only one thing. You’re making
superficial assumptions, and those usually end up being wrong. Too many factors
go into making a decision like this, and there’s no way to predict what a woman
will choose to do.”

She’d thought Seth
would be a little peeved at her response, particularly since her tone got
rather sharp as she built up the momentum of her argument.

But he simply
nodded. “You’re right.”

This surprised Erin
so much it took a minute to recover her focus.

“You’re sure
it’s mine?” he asked, smoothly moving back into the discussion. He didn’t
appear to be shocked or upset by the news she’d dumped on him. In fact, he
looked very much like he was discussing a case with a new client.

That fact actually
gave Erin some comfort. It would be better for all concerned if Seth treated
this only like business. That way, he wouldn’t try to interfere in her life and
things wouldn’t get complicated. “It’s yours. Other than you, I haven’t had sex
with anyone in four months.”

He revealed no
reaction to this statement either. “You won’t object if I request a paternity
test? I don’t mean to doubt your word, but I’d rather be careful—”

Erin didn’t let
him finish. “Of course, I’ll agree to a paternity test, but I assure you this
isn’t some roundabout way of snaring you for a husband and creating a happy,
little family. I don’t want to be a family. I just felt obliged to tell you
about the pregnancy.”

Seth appeared
to think about her words for a long time, but, when he spoke, he had changed
the subject. “We were protected.”

 “We used a
condom, but obviously it didn’t work.”

For the first
time, Seth’s brow lowered. “I know how to use a condom. We double-checked it.”

“Things happen.
Even when used perfectly, condoms aren’t a hundred percent effective. Or maybe
there was a tiny tear that you didn’t see. We’d been drinking.”

“At that point,
we weren’t
that
drunk. I would have noticed.”

Erin rolled her
eyes. “Yes, I’m sure your powers of observation are infallible, even when
half-intoxicated and midway through a fuck. The condom might not have torn.
Maybe it leaked a little before you pulled out. The fact is we’ll never know.
And why does it matter now anyway?”

“You seem to be
very settled about all of this.”

Erin almost laughed.
Ironically, of course. “Yeah, well, you missed all of my weeping and wailing
and bemoaning my fate and angsting about my choices. I’ve had some time to get
used to it.”

His eyelashes
flickered slightly. “Almost seven weeks.”

She couldn’t
tell if there was a reproach in those words or not. “I considered not telling
you at all. I have no desire to deal with any unnecessary complications.”

He closed his
eyes, as if he were suddenly tired. “And what exactly do you expect from me in
all this?”

“Nothing,” she
said immediately, glad she had such a good opportunity to speak her piece. “This
isn’t going to be a Thomas baby. It’s going to be a Marshall baby.” She held
his eyes, didn’t let hers drop.

 “So I’m
effectively closed out?”

 “Not closed
out. I just don’t want there to be any confusion about this.
I’m
the one
who’s going to make decisions regarding this baby’s life and future. You’re
welcome to be involved, though—as little or as much as you’d like. As long as
you don’t try to take control.”

“
Monetarily
involved?” His voice was almost bitter.

Erin
straightened her spine with a jerk when she realized what he implied. “Fuck
you, Seth. I’m not asking for money, and I wouldn’t take any from you if you
offered it. How dare you insult me like that?”

He didn’t look
contrite. Merely skeptical. But apparently her outrage had some kind of effect,
because he finally said, “Right. I can see why that would have offended you.”

“I’m glad you
can see that. The truth is, if I’d had a choice, I would have gotten pregnant
by someone other than you.”

Seth blinked
again.

Suddenly, Erin
realized that her words had sounded crueler than she’d intended. “I don’t mean
that personally. I had a good time with you. But the fact that you’re...well,
you
complicates things considerably.”

He released a
long breath. “Okay. If we can keep this uncomplicated, I’d like that too. You
don’t want me to be involved monetarily, but I’m allowed to be involved in
other ways?”

She made a
face. Had no idea how he would feel about any of this, and she wasn’t getting
any clues from his behavior now. “Only if you want to be. Naturally, you can
know the...the...your child and spend time with him...or her.”

“And, later on,
would I be allowed to spend money to provide certain things? Like education,
for instance?”

Erin squirmed
in her chair. Felt both hesitant and a little bit sick. She hated the idea of
being dependent on Seth in any way.

Money had been
the primary way Marcus had gotten her to go along with his agenda in the two
years they’d been married. He made the money, so he made the decisions.

That was why
she’d refused to take any money from him after the marriage ended, even though
everyone told her she was stupid not to. She wasn’t going to give her
ex-husband any more power over her.

“I guess so. I
mean, it would depend on what it was. But, yeah, some things like that would
probably be all right. But this isn’t going to be a Thomas baby.”

“Yes. I
understood that when you said it before.”

She wondered if
she’d insulted him. She didn’t want to, but it was so important that she set
necessary parameters. She knew too well the consequences of just going with the
flow and giving a strong man too much control over her life. She wasn’t going
to do that with her child.

Seth just sat
in his chair, looking at her.

Finally Erin
became a little uncomfortable. “You don’t have to decide now about how much
involvement you want. I’m not asking for anything. You don’t have to be
involved at all. I’ll even sign something saying that I’ll never come and ask
you for anything. Or, you can just keep track of things from the sidelines.” This
was the idea that appealed to her the most, so she tried to make it sound
attractive. “I could keep you informed, by email or whatever, about what’s
going on. But you wouldn’t have to be personally involved, so it wouldn’t be a
substantial change in your life.”

“Or?”

“Or you could
be more involved. Spend time and everything. We could definitely work something
out. It’s up to you.” After a pause, she reiterated, “But you don’t have to
decide now.”

“Nothing to
decide,” Seth said clearly, scooting his chair back from his desk. “I would
like to be involved.”

She felt a
sickening jump in her gut. “You would?”

“Yes. I would. I’ve
never had a child before. This might be my only one.”

It was a
strange thing to assume, since he was just in his early thirties, but he’d been
alone for most of his life so he must see himself being alone for his whole
future.

“And you want
to...to be involved?” Erin breathed, trying to return to her cool composure. She
shouldn’t be so surprised. Seth’s persona might suggest he’d want to remain
distant from a child, but hadn’t she just lectured him about making those kinds
of assumptions? “Why?”

His eyebrows
shot sky-high. “Do I owe you an explanation?”

Right. Her own
response to him. She returned his ironic look with a quirk of her mouth. “Point
taken. All right. You can be involved. There won’t be much happening for a
while though. It’s early yet.” She stood up, feeling suddenly so exhausted she
was afraid she might fall to the floor. The office spun a little, so she
breathed deeply. “We can stay in touch and try to work out some sort of system
or guidelines about your involvement.”

Seth nodded. “We
should work out a legal contract.”

 “Of course, a
lawyer would say that.” She sighed, thinking about how she would feel when
confronted with Seth and all his legal resources. She still remembered a little
about contracts from law school, but she wasn’t going to risk her and her
child’s future on such sketchy knowledge. “Well, I suppose I’ll scrounge up a
lawyer for myself.”

She cringed,
thinking about her bank account. It wasn’t in horrible shape, but—particularly
after her vacation in the Caribbean—she really didn’t need to be forking over
money for legal fees.

Something
flickered in Seth’s eyes. Something that almost looked like respect.

“If it’s all
right, I’d like to be kept updated on your pregnancy too,” he continued. “You’ll
let me know how things are progressing?”

Erin stared up
at him in surprise. “Of course.”

She was silent
for a moment, and finally Seth shifted from foot to foot. “I assume you’re not
expecting me to get down on one knee and propose now.” His voice was dry and
amused.

 “You do that,
and I’d definitely faint. I’m a little woozy as it is, so I wouldn’t risk it if
I were you.” She paused. “That’s one thing at least we’re agreed on. This isn’t
a sappy romance, and this baby isn’t going to draw us together into some sort
of eternal love.”

“I’m glad we
can both be realistic about it.”

Erin smiled
back at him, feeling oddly comforted by his reaction. If he were as
matter-of-fact about this as she was, then maybe it wouldn’t have to be complicated.

Then, gazing up
at him—a powerful, articulate, attractive, unattainable man—she experienced a surreal
feeling that was made up of terror and bewilderment and wonder. “Are we really
having a baby?”

“I believe
that’s what you came here to tell me.”

She shook her
head. “Weird.”

She had looked
away momentarily, but—when her eyes returned to his face—she caught a look that
was as unexpected as it was telling. He looked almost
anxious
.

He’d acted
calm, controlled, and down-to-earth about this whole thing, but it couldn’t
have been as easy as that. Erin had spent two weeks brooding over this change
in her life and desperately trying to figure out what to do about it. Seth
seemed to have made his decision in just a few minutes, but there must be more
going on that she couldn’t see.

She couldn’t
help but wonder why he’d been so quick to ask for involvement. He’d never had a
real family himself. He’d never really had anyone—except Mac, whom he’d pushed
away. She knew there might be lonely, wounded parts to his soul that he never
revealed to anyone.

But there was
no use in worrying too much about it. Seth was his own person, and he made his
own decisions. As long as they didn’t interfere unduly with Erin’s decisions,
she was happy for him to decide whatever he wanted.

They could work
out some sort of system to make his involvement as simple and non-threatening
as possible.

She put a hand
on her belly as she made her way out of his office and over to the elevator.

Still couldn’t
believe she was having a baby.

***

Two weeks later, Erin pushed
open her door and kind of fell into her apartment. She was dead on her feet and
wondered why no one had ever told her before how utterly exhausting it was to
be pregnant.

She didn’t have
to even do anything to get tired—just being awake drained her completely.

And today had
been a particularly long day.

Her job was
pretty decent. She liked Judge Hargrove. Although he was a lot more
conservative than she was, he was also an incredibly kind man. At least her job
allowed her to be on the periphery of the career she’d always wanted.
Occasionally, she imagined herself getting a windfall and going back to law
school.