My Soul Cries Out (28 page)

A
laysia picked me and Kevin up at the hotel and we dropped Kevin off at the airport. He held on to me extra long and extra tight, like he wished he could squeeze away the pain he had caused me.

“I love you, Monnie. God's gonna have to work this thing out soon. I want to spend some more time with you.”

I laid my head on his chest. “I know. He will.”

We couldn't linger too long because a policeman came and told us we had to move the car.

Alaysia patted my arm when I got back in the car. “You okay?”

I nodded. “Yeah.” I watched Kevin until he disappeared into the airport terminal.

“I'm gonna let you drop me off at the house and then you can go pick your parents up at the hotel. What are you guys doing today?”

“I'm taking them to brunch and then on a tour of Atlanta. They've never been here before and want to do the Coca Cola museum, the King Center and Underground, Stone Mountain, you know—the works. It's gonna be a long day.”

“Girl, I haven't done most of that stuff, and I've been living here how long?”

“I know, right? Me either.”

“Maybe me and Khalil should schedule a sight-seeing day. I don't think he's done the tourist thing either.”

“Speaking of Khalil, he seemed all shifty and nervous during the marriage conversation last night. Are you guys talking about it?”

Alaysia looked over her shoulder to check for traffic and merged onto the freeway. “No. Not even in casual conversation. Do you think he doesn't want to marry me?”

“Dang, Alaysia, cut the man some slack. You guys have only been together for six months.”

“This time. We were together before off and on for three years. We lived together for eight months. It's not like we're just getting to know each other. And he talked about marriage all the time then.”

“Yeah, but you're a whole different person and he's a whole different person. Give him some time.”

“You think he doesn't want to marry me because I'm not saved?”

“No, because if that was the case, he wouldn't be with you at all.”

“Then what is it? Why hasn't he even mentioned it?”

“What's the rush? Why are you so anxious about it?”

“You're right. I guess I'm not walking in faith, huh? Are you supposed to have faith when it comes to love and matters of the heart, though? Does God get involved in that too?”

“Of course. He cares about every area of our life. Especially that one.”

I was counting on it.

 

 

By the time my parents and I got through with the Coca Cola museum and the King Center, I was tired. When we got into the car, I asked them, “Are you sure you guys want to go all the way out to Stone Mountain? It's just a big rock with some men on horses carved in it.”

Daddy pulled his souvenirs from the King Center out of his bag. “I don't know when we gon' get back down here. I want to see everything in one trip. I ain't gettin' on no more planes after today, and I can't drive that far with yo' mama. She got to stop and pee every three hours.”

“We ain't been on a trip since your prostate started actin' up, Hershel. I bet you'd be the one having to stop all the time.”

“Why you got to tell all my bidness?”

“Monica's a nurse. She understands all that stuff.”

I had to laugh. It had been a long time since I'd seen Mommy and Daddy, and I missed these little interactions. “Stone Mountain it is. Then we'll go to the mall out at Stonecrest.”

“Naw, now. I ain't trying to be shoppin' all day. You can drop me off after the mountain.” Daddy folded his arms across his chest.

“But the mall is out there near the mountain. It doesn't make any sense for me to drive all the way back into the city.”

“I ain't goin' to no mall wit' two women. I love y'all, but ain't that much love in the world.”

“Okay, Daddy. Me and Mommy can go to a different mall.”

“We don't have to go to the mall, Monica. You see one mall, you seen them all,” Mommy conceded.

We drove in silence for a while.

“So you and Kevin back together?” Daddy asked.

I knew it was coming. I was surprised it took this long for one of them to ask.

“We're working on it, Daddy.”

“Working on it? Does that mean you're moving back to D.C.? Y'all young folk don't make no durn sense these days. Working on it. What kind of—”

“Hershel, don't trouble Monica.” My mother turned toward the back seat and undoubtedly cut her eyes at my dad.

“I ain't troublin' her. Just don't make no sense to me. Married woman up and move to another city and leave her husband. Y'all watch too much of that Oprah and that
Lifetime
TV. Give you all kinds of crazy ideas.”

“Hershel,” my mother said in her warning tone.

“Don't ‘Hershel' me. I can talk to my daughter if I want to. That's what parents supposed to do when they concerned. Leave your husband and move to a whole new city and starve yourself to death so you can look like those skinny women on television. Ain't nothing wrong with a black woman having some meat on her bones. Black men don't like no skinny women. They need some meat on them hips and them thighs. Then you wearing a dress with the back all out and split up the side, showing your tail. You done come down here and lost your good Christian upbringing. I hope you been remembering you married while you down here.”

He muttered under his breath for while, probably realizing me and Mommy were ignoring him. Suddenly, my dad shouted out a spray of cuss words. “What the—?”

Mommy and I looked out the window to see what he was looking at.

“OhLawdJesus.” Mommy obviously caught sight of what set him off.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw two men holding hands at the corner of 10
^th
and Piedmont. They leaned in to kiss one another on the lips.

Daddy yelled, “What is this? Sodom and Gomorrah? Where you done brought me? Two men kissing on the street? Outside? In broad daylight?”

I guess they were only supposed to kiss inside, at night.

Daddy continued to rant and rave in the back seat. “They better be glad I'm in this car. If one of them punks ever got close to me, I'd . . . I'd have to kill 'em. They better not ever come up to me.”

“Daddy, they don't want you.”

What'd I say that for? Daddy wasn't even making full sentences anymore. Mommy and I just got an earful of cuss words from the back seat. He cussed all the way out to Stone Mountain.

Even though I missed them, by the time I dropped them off at the airport, I was ready for them to go. Daddy swore he was never coming back to Atlanta. I didn't bother to remind him there were homosexuals in Baltimore.

When I got in the house, I plopped down on the couch.

Alaysia came bouncing into the living room. “Have fun with your parents?”

“Daddy drove me crazy, harassing me like I was some common whore, then I made the mistake of driving them through Midtown and he saw two men kissing. He was done. Cussed and fussed the whole rest of the day. My last nerve is long gone.”

“At least you got parents you can see and spend time with.”

That certainly put things in perspective. “You're right. I'm sorry. I guess what upset me more than anything was his anger and his attitude. Give him half a chance and he'd line up every homosexual in the city and have them executed. I'm not about to participate in the Gay Pride Parade, but I think he's extreme. Can you imagine if he ever found out about Kevin?”

Alaysia grimaced. “Oooh, that would be bad.”

“If he ever said any of the stuff he said today around Kevin, it would kill him. He respects my father a lot.”

“He's old school. This older generation isn't as tolerant of alternative lifestyles.”

“Like I said, I ain't about to march, but the anger and hatred he has is a little over the top.”

I took off my shoes and massaged my feet. “Girl, they had me all over Atlanta today.”

“Why don't you soak and go to bed. I have some lavender bath salts.”

“Sounds like a good idea.”

Before I could sink into the tub good, Alaysia pounded on the door.

I sunk deeper into the water. “Go 'way. I'm trying to relax.”

She threw open the door with a panicked look on her face, holding the phone. A look that could only mean bad news. Did something happen to Mommy and Daddy?

“It's Kevin's drummer, Ricky. Kevin was in a car accident.”

I
tapped my foot as the elevator made its slow ascent to the fourth floor. Seems like I'd spent the evening waiting on airplanes, taxis and now this stupid elevator. I was lucky enough to catch the last flight to D.C.

I tried to make myself stay calm. Ricky said Kevin's injuries were minor, and they expected to release him from the hospital soon.

Kevin smiled when I walked into his room. “I can't believe you flew all the way here for a concussion. Not that I'm complaining.”

I walked over to the bed and threw my arms around him, then stepped back to inspect him. “What happened? Are you okay? Is it really just a concussion? Did you break anything?”

Kevin held up his hands. “Slow down, Monnie. I'm fine. The only reason I'm in the hospital is because I'm this big star now. If I was a regular person, they would have sent me home from the ER.”

“I still don't understand,” a deep voice behind me said.

I turned around to see Ricky and Aaron sitting in the corner of the large private room.

“He should be dead,” Ricky said. “No way he should have walked away from that kind of accident. Both the police and the ambulance people said there must have been an angel in the passenger seat because they'd never seen anything like it.”

“Hey, guys.” I walked over to hug them, crying tears of relief now that I knew Kevin was okay.

Aaron said, “I'm telling you, Monica. If I didn't believe it before, I believe it now. Kevin is a man of God with a serious purpose. The devil tried to kill him last night, but God must have some greater reason for him to be here. The car is completely totaled.”

“Yo, man. Stop scaring my wife.” Kevin frowned at Aaron. “It wasn't all that.”

“Man, you need to quit lying and praise God. Don't act like He didn't work a miracle to keep your black behind on earth. If it was me, I'd be trying to hustle my way inside the pearly gates right about now,” Ricky said.

I walked over to Kevin to examine him again.

“Don't listen to them, Monica. It wasn't that bad.”

“What happened?”

“Monnie, it's no big deal. I—”

“Kevin, what happened?” I clicked the “off” button on the bedside remote to the large TV hanging over the bed.

“I was driving home from rehearsal and next thing I know, the paramedics were pulling me out of the car. I don't remember.”

“Don't remember? Did you black out?”

“I bet he fell asleep. I told him not to drive. I even offered to drive him. He said—”

“Ricky, don't you two have somewhere y'all are 'sposed to be?”

“A'ight, man. You can throw us out, but we can talk to her later. We'll make sure she knows the whole story 'cause you ain't got the good sense God gave a frog.” Aaron kissed my cheek and walked to the door.

Ricky hugged me and whispered, “Don't leave 'til he tells the whole truth.” As they left, a waft of air carrying the smell of sickness came in the door. Reminded me how much I hated hospitals.

I sat on the edge of Kevin's bed. “Is there something you need to tell me?”

“They trippin'. The car is a little banged up, but it ain't as bad as they trying to make it out to be.”

“Kevin, I can get a copy of the police report, and I can have a very intelligent conversation with your nurses and doctors. If there's something I need to know, you need to be the one to tell me.”

Kevin's fidgeted with his sheet and looked past me out the window. “I fell asleep behind the wheel. I was driving and felt myself getting sleepy, but figured I could make it if I rolled the window down. I crashed into a median and flipped over three times. The car is totaled.” He looked up at me. “You should be talking to a mortician instead of me. I don't know why God saved my life, but it couldn't have been nothing but Him.” He waited for my reaction.

“Anything else?”

Kevin let out a deep breath. “They checked my blood. They found too high levels of the stuff I've been taking to help me sleep.”

My mouth fell open. “Stuff you've been taking to sleep?”

“Monnie, it's no big deal—”

“It's a very big deal. What are you taking and why? Last time I saw you, you weren't having any trouble sleeping.”

“That's 'cause you were there. I . . . I don't sleep at night. If I don't take the pills, I either lay in bed all night staring at the ceiling, or . . .”

“Or what?”

“Or have bad dreams.” He let out a deep breath. “The nightmares are back.”

“What nightmares?”

He shook his head and looked out the window. I moved to block his view of the window. “What nightmares?”

“Nightmares of when Deacon . . . I mean, the deacon, you know, molested me. Nightmares of me and Trey, nightmares of you walking in on us and killing me. And some others.”

“What others?” He wouldn't look at me. “Kevin?” I lifted his chin. “What others?”

“Monnie, I . . . I didn't quite tell you the whole story.”

I waited. My heart was pounding. What else was there to tell? Could I take it?

He didn't say anything. Just sat there fingering the edges of his hospital gown.

“Kevin, the only way we can get back together is if I know we're completely honest about everything in our relationship. You have to be able to trust me enough to tell me everything, and I have to trust that you're telling me everything. No more secrets. I've grown a lot since we've been apart. Whatever you have to say, I can take it.”
I hope I can take it.

Kevin lay back on his pillow and stared at the ceiling. “Remember I told you about when I was ten and how confused I was afterward?”

I nodded.

“Well . . . when I was about thirteen, I was still dealing with all the . . . feelings. I didn't have anybody to talk to. I went to our youth pastor at the time. He was nice to us kids and would have sleepovers at his house and took us to the movies and out to eat sometimes.” Kevin paused. “One day after service, he told my mom he was gonna take me out for dinner because he wanted to talk to me. I went with him, his wife, and two daughters. I went over his house afterward, and he asked me how I was doing. He said he had been watching me, and I seemed sad all the time. He said that God gave him a heart for young people, and it burdened him to see anybody as sad as me.”

I took Kevin's hand.
God, please don't let him tell me what I think he's about to tell me.

“So I told him everything. About what happened and all the thoughts I was battling with. I cried and he hugged me. He said he would take care of the deacon and make sure nothing like that ever happened again. He told me I could trust him. And then he started touching me. And then . . .” Kevin put his head in his hands. “His wife and daughters were right upstairs. He had turned the game on real loud and told them men folk were watching football. I screamed a couple of times, but nobody heard.”

I wanted to run screaming from the room. How could this have happened? Both times at the hands of leaders in the church. By men that a young Kevin should have been able to trust. I tried to keep my reaction to myself, but the flood of emotions was too much for me to handle.

“Why? Why would they do that to you? How could they do that to you? They're supposed to be men of God.” I hugged him tight, like I could squeeze away the memories and the pain. It was all I could do, but I knew that it wasn't enough. “Kevin, we've got to get you some help. You can't keep living like this.”

“I will, Monnie, I promise. As soon as I finish the tour.”

“Forget the tour!”

“Forget” wasn't the word I wanted to use, but I was trying not to let the cussing demon overtake me again.

“I can't forget the tour. I can't walk away from my career. It's all I've ever worked for. All I've ever wanted.” He looked at me, his eyes full of passion. “Music saved my life. When I wanted to die, when I didn't have anyone to talk to, I always had my music. When I was sad, all I had to do was play my piano and I would feel better. When I woke up with nightmares, I would play my guitar until I could go back to sleep. Sometimes I'd fall asleep with the guitar in the bed with me.” His eyes pleaded with me. “If you take my music away from me, I won't have anything.”

I ran my fingers across his cheeks. “I'm not trying to take it away from you. I'm trying to help you. Look at you, Kevin. You're in the hospital because you had to take pills to get to sleep. You fell asleep behind the wheel and wrecked your car. You said it yourself, you should be dead right now. Is that how you want to live?”

“ No. ”

“I'm not asking you to give up anything. I'm just asking you to get some help.”

“You don't know how it is. People in the church . . . they don't treat people well who are . . . who have my history.”

“Forget them, Kevin. It's not about them. It's about you getting past the drama you went through so you can go on with your life.”

“And what kind of life is that? Without music, without you? What else do I have?”

“Who said it would be without me?”

“What are you saying?”

“I'm saying we can get you some help. We can work through this together. I told you about the book I read and the ministry in Atlanta. They've been through it. The pastor 's story was worse than yours. And he's delivered. And married. With four kids. Four babies, Kevin. Remember our babies we talked about?”

He nodded. “Yeah.” He shook his head. “But I tried that before. I thought I was delivered and look what happened. What if I think I'm delivered and it happens again? I can't go through that again. I can't put
you
through that again.”

“There's more to it than somebody praying for you and declaring you delivered. They take you through this intensive program where you deal with the heart of the issue. You buried it. The program is designed to uproot it. Completely destroy it at the core.”

I could tell he was thinking about it because his eyes were blinking fast. “And you'll go through this with me? You'll stay with me?”

I nodded.
God help me to be able to do this.

“And if I don't? Are you saying you'll only come back to me if I go through this program?”

“I can't watch you waste away to nothing and have nightmares and sing on stage night after night pretending nothing's wrong. I can't be worried every time you leave the house wondering if you're coming back or whether you'll wreck the car and not be as blessed as you were this time. I can't live a lie for the sake of the ministry'.” I mimicked Bishop Walker 's voice.

“Why do you hate him so much?”

“Because he's using you. He's building his ministry on your back and doesn't even care that you're almost killing yourself. He knew the struggle you were going through all those years. Did he ever do anything to help you? No, he swept it under the rug and let you build his church with your talent.”

“He's not like that. After that second episode, when I finally trusted somebody again, he was there for me. He treated me like a son. He never hurt me, ever.”

I put my hand on Kevin's. I didn't want to destroy his image of the only real father figure he ever had, but I wanted him to see the truth, as hard as it was to see. “Okay, Kevin.”

I put my arms around him and kissed his forehead. We sat there until a thought hit me.

“Kevin?”

“Yeah?”

“What happened to those two men? The men that abused you.”

He bit his upper lip. “Please, don't ask me that question.”

“Why not?”

“Because you won't like the answer.”

I pursed my lips.

“Aww, Monnie. I promise you don't want to hear this.”

I wasn't letting him out of it. He looked up at the ceiling, his eyes blinking fast. “The youth pastor was Pastor Hines.”

He sat for a minute, I guess to let it sink in.

My eyes widened. “Pastor Hines? As in the pastor who Bishop Walker ordained to be the pastor of our Alexandria Church? That Pastor Hines?”

Kevin nodded. “And Deacon Barnes.”

I jumped off the bed. “Deacon Barnes? The head deacon at Love and Faith?”

Kevin nodded again.

I shook my head in disbelief. “How could you not tell?” I paced around the room. “What if you're not the only one? Think of how many other little boys they may have done the same thing to. Bishop Walker has put them in positions of leadership over other little boys.”

Kevin's eyes widened. “I . . . I never thought of that.”

“How could you never think of that? How could you not tell?”

“They told me . . . they said they'd hurt me. They said I'd destroy the ministry if I ever told.”

“Destroy the ministry if you ever told what?” a deep voice boomed out.

I whipped around to see Bishop Walker's tall frame filling the doorway.