My Soul Cries Out (24 page)

Slow down, Monica.
I didn't want to get too excited. Hope left too much room for disappointment, and I didn't need any more disappointment in my life right now, especially when it came to Kevin.

T
he next day, I was spotting a client doing chest presses when Talinda came bouncing up.

“Girl, you just had a visitor.” She looked like a kid with a big secret.

“Who?”

“Mr. Fine from last night. He left a package for you. That man is some kinda gorgeous. What's the deal with y'all? I wouldn't mind your leftovers in his case.”

“Talinda, trust me. Everything's not what it looks like. What did he leave?”

“A big, brown envelope. It's in the office on your desk.”

I couldn't think of any paperwork Alex had to drop off, so I hoped it was the book.

When I got to my office, I pulled the book out of a large envelope on my desk.
Touching a Dead Man
:
One Man's Explosive Story of Deliverance From Homosexuality
by Pastor Derrick Ford. I stuffed it back into the envelope. I appreciated Alex's discretion. I didn't want anybody jumping to conclusions if they saw me with it. Thankfully, I was finished for the day, so I could go home and read.

 

 

I stretched out on the chaise lounge in my bedroom and looked over at the clock. It was almost one in the morning. I had been up the entire evening reading and was almost finished with the book. My head was spinning.

According to this guy, God not only
could
deliver homosexuals, He had. I felt guilty for not believing God was God. I saw how the spirit of homosexuality had preyed on Kevin, much like it had preyed on the pastor in the book. Life circumstances left an open door for the enemy to walk in and set up a stronghold in both of their lives.

I felt the most guilt for my prejudice against homosexuals. Being Alaysia's roommate in college, I had watched her sleep with more men than I could count. I hadn't thought much about her smoking and drinking, and even indulged with her on more than one occasion. I barely blinked when she told me about her hard drug use. I ministered to her about God's forgiveness when she told me about her abortion. I had watched Trina battle with her fornication demon and never condemned her. Why was the whole homosexuality thing the worst sin imaginable when I had easily forgiven other sins?

Of course, there was the fact that Kevin cheated on me, but if he had cheated with a woman, would I have been more ready to forgive him?

The last chapter explaining the title hit me the hardest. It was about Jesus resurrecting Lazarus from the dead and instructing the people to let him out of his grave clothes. In Jewish culture, touching a dead man was a sin and made one ceremonially unclean. For Jesus to tell them to touch him said to defy religious law and be willing to touch a stinking dead person to help them out of the grave and into new life. The church definitely wasn't that way toward homosexuals.

Could I be that person? I pulled up Pastor Ford's website on my computer. I looked at the picture of him and his beautiful wife, both with exuberant smiles. I studied his wife's face. She was gorgeous and obviously not hard up for a man. What allowed her to love her husband in spite of? What kind of woman was she? What did she do when she found out? Did she change up on him or did she love him so much it didn't matter? How did it feel for his ministry to be public?

I thought about Donnie McClurkin. Definitely one of my favorite gospel singers, ever since his first album with New York Restoration Choir came out. I didn't love him any less since he started giving his testimony. If anything, I loved him more for being transparent and willing to sacrifice his reputation for the sake of someone else's soul. Would Kevin want to do that when he got delivered? If he did, would I be able to smile like Dana Ford and support him one hundred percent?

It was too much to think about. I logged off and crawled into bed. Two last questions swam through my mind. Would Kevin be willing to seek help from these pastors? If so, would I be willing to take him back?

T
he next morning, there was a light knock at my bedroom door. “Yes, Alaysia.”

She popped her head in the door. “How many Sundays do I have to invite you before you go to church with me?”

I sat up in bed. “Oh, I don't know. How many Sundays did I invite you when we were in college and you never ever went?”

“Is that what this is about? Revenge? I told you about walking in unforgiveness.”

I laughed.

“Come on, if it wasn't the bomb, would I invite you?”

“My, how the tables have turned. This used to be me every Sunday.”

“I'm through asking. You're going. Today. No excuses. Get dressed.”

It wasn't like I had anything else to do. Alaysia wore jeans to church every Sunday, so I figured I'd do the same, even though it felt weird.

Alaysia was waiting for me in the living room after I got dressed. “You're gonna love it. I promise.”

“I'm going on one condition, Alaysia Zaid. You break this rule and I'll never go to church with you again.”

“What?”

“No matchmaking allowed. I mean it. No pointing anyone out, no introducing me to anybody then running off and leaving me alone. If I see a hint of matchmaking, I'm out—never to return again.”

Alaysia laughed. “Girl, I ain't trying to set you up with anybody but God. He's the only Man you need right now.”

“Good. Now that we have an understanding, let's go.”

 

 

Church was definitely different. For one, the congregation was mixed—all nationalities. Whites, Blacks, Hispanics, Indians, and Asians all worshiped together. The pastors were a mixed couple; she was black and he was white. I had never been to anything but a black church. It made me nervous about the music. That was one thing I was particular about. At Love and Faith Christian Center, Kevin had spoiled me with good worship.

The church was a transformed warehouse with a stage and a podium at the front. There were no pews, just folding chairs to seat about five hundred, much smaller than Love and Faith. The stage had a large keyboard, a guitar, bass and a big drum set. No organ. This definitely wasn't a black church.

The praise and worship was different, but I still enjoyed it. When the praise and worship leader began to usher us into the presence of God, I felt like I was home. He sang from the depths of his heart and took us into the throne room. It reminded me of Kevin, except that instead of a Bishop Walker cutting off the worship to move on with the program, neither of the pastors moved. They let the guy take us higher and higher until I thought my heart would explode. I knew what Alaysia meant about flying to heaven and feeling God. I felt like I was being raptured.

I enjoyed the pastor 's teaching too. He sounded just like Khalil. He came at the Word in a different way that made me think outside my traditional Christian box. It made me want to study the Word more. I knew I would definitely be back. Throughout the whole service, Alaysia kept looking at me, I guess to see if I was enjoying myself. When the pastor directed the whole congregation to pray in the spirit, I opened one eye and caught her staring at my lips and had to laugh.

After service, Alaysia hugged a lot of people and introduced me to some friends she'd made. It was weird seeing her all into church. Everyone hugged and kissed her like she was a member.

Khalil came over and gave me a big hug. “Monica, glad to see you here. Got tired of Alaysia harassing you?”

“Yeah, you know how she can be. Sometimes it's easier to give in.”

Khalil laughed. “Don't I know it. When she gets something in her mind she wants, I might as well forget it.”

Alaysia put her hands on her hips. “Excuse me?”

He kissed her cheek. “Come on, baby, you know it's true.” He waved to someone. “Monica, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine.” Up walks the praise and worship leader. “Monica, this is David Harper. David, this is Alaysia's best friend and business partner, Monica Harris.”

“Nice to meet you.” I shook his hand. Oh my God, he was fine. Not pretty-boy fine like Kevin and Alex, but ruggedly handsome. “What a perfect name for a worship leader.”

“Yeah, my moms was prophetic.” David had the cutest smile.

Khalil said, “You guys wanna grab something to eat? We could catch brunch at The Flying Biscuit. It'll take forever to get a table, but you know we have to go somewhere vegetarian-friendly for Granola Sunshine and Sister Rabbit.” Khalil rolled his eyes.

David laughed. “Sure, sounds good to me.”

Alaysia looked at me. “Is that okay?”

“Sure. I don't feel like cooking anyway.”

Khalil pulled out his keys. “David, you ride with me. You ladies can meet us there.”

As we headed out of the building, I grabbed Alaysia's arm and whispered. “I can't believe you're breaking the rule already.”

“What?”

“Don't ‘what' me. Khalil just
happened
to invite Mr. Fine Praise and Worship Leader out to lunch with us? This smells like a matchmaking ploy to me.”

Alaysia laughed. “It's not like that. David's engaged, but his fiancée lives in Charlotte. He and Khalil are good friends. The four of us go out to eat after church when she comes to town.”

Khalil and David followed Alaysia and me to the restaurant nestled at the end of a row of Candler Park specialty shops. We had expected to wait the usual hour for the Sunday brunch, but for some reason, it didn't take too long to get a table. The hostess led us into the big, sunny room with the sunflowers painted on the wall.

After we put our orders in, David turned to me and said, “How'd you enjoy church today, Monica?”

“I loved it. The praise and worship was great. Reminded me of my old church back home.”

“Where's back home and what church did you go to?”

“I'm from D.C. I used to go to Love and Faith Christian Center.”

“Kevin Day. I'm sure the music was awesome there. He's a great musician and a great worshipper. His new album is the bomb. I'm sure you've heard it.”

I shifted in my seat.

“Do you know Kevin personally? I met him at a music workshop and he seemed like a nice guy. I'd love to do some music with him some day. We have a similar worship style.”

Alaysia looked at David then looked at me. I could see her trying to think of something to say. “Speaking of worship style, I've been meaning to ask you. When you say, ‘We've entered the presence of God,' or ‘We're in the throne room now,' or ‘I see the armies of God arrayed against the enemy,' what do you mean? Can you literally see those things? Are you really in heaven while we're in praise and worship?”

David laughed. “The question monster strikes again. I swear, Alaysia, you ask more insightful questions than most Christians I know. I can tell you think about God a lot.”

I unclenched my jaw and relaxed my shoulders.

David rubbed his chin. “Let's see. How I can explain this? I don't literally, physically see those things. I see them with my spirit.”

“What do you mean? Your spirit has eyes?” Alaysia asked.

“Yes, not physical eyes, but . . .” David furrowed his eyebrows. “It's the spiritual counterpart to our physical sight and hearing. You shut down your physical senses and your spirit man sees what's going on. You connect with God on a plane outside of this natural realm. He gives images of spiritual things that have spiritual meaning.”

Alaysia nodded. “Kinda like prophesying, but instead of God saying something into your spirit, He shows you a picture instead.”

David said, “Exactly. Are you sure you aren't saved, Alaysia? You have an understanding of things most Christians don't have.”

“Yeah, I don't know why she's still holding out. She can't really come up with a good reason.” I sipped my water.

The waiter brought our food. The guys had ordered big breakfast platters, but Alaysia and I had gotten salads. The large, fluffy biscuits were the best.

Alaysia shrugged. “I still have a lot of unanswered questions.”

Khalil said, “Like what?”

Alaysia thought for a minute. “Like, if God is so good, why does He allow so many bad things to happen in the world? Look at all the poverty, the sickness and disease, the people dying, bad things happening to good people. Why does a good, loving God let so much hurt happen to His people that He's supposed to love so much?”

David looked at Khalil as if to say, “I got it.” “The real question is, why do His people allow it to happen?”

I frowned.

David continued, “If you look at God's original plan for man on earth, it wasn't for Him to rule us and govern everything that happens on earth. He put Man in the garden and said, ‘Subdue the earth and have dominion over it.' God gave us authority and control on the earth and we were to rule in His name. Adam handed over that dominion to Satan when he rebelled against God in the garden. But Jesus won that legal right to dominion for us at Calvary when He destroyed the works of the enemy. We're supposed to be taking authority in His name and subduing the kingdoms of this world and establishing His Kingdom in the earth. We're looking at Him to fix it, but He's looking at us to fix it. He expects us to rise up and be the sons of God we're supposed to be.”

Wow. I had never thought of it that way before.

“So you're saying all the bad things that happen are our fault, and not God's?” Alaysia asked.

“I'm sure He's more upset about it than we are. He gave us all this power and all this authority, and instead of doing something with it, we whine and pray and cry and beg Him to fix everything. Unless the sons of God stand up and act like we know, we'll always be victims of Satan's tools of bondage. We'll be sick, poor, depressed, and victim to every bit of hell he unleashes on us. Until we realize who we are in Christ and the power we have, the world will continue to grow darker and darker.”

We all sat there and thought about it for a minute.

I looked at David and Khalil. “Is everyone in your church a Bible scholar?”

They laughed. David said, “The pastors are serious about their leadership having a strong foundation in the Word. Before we're licensed and ordained, we have to go through a very intensive study of the Bible. Either through Pastor's ministry course, or through seminary, like Khalil is doing.”

I thought about Love and Faith, where being in leadership was more political than spiritual.

David finished off the last of his pancakes. “Monica, you never answered my question. Do you know Kevin Day personally? I got tickets for Friday's concert, but I would love some backstage passes.”

“Friday? I didn't know he'd be here then.” I hoped everyone at the table couldn't hear how loud my heart was beating.

“Yeah, Friday. You haven't kept up with him?”

“No. Can't say that I have.” Kevin said he would call when he was coming to Atlanta. Had he decided he didn't want to see me? Did I want to see him? Alex's conversation came to mind. Should I give Kevin a copy of the book? I didn't want to give him any false hope of us getting back together. Was it false hope, though?

“Monica?” David was staring at me.

“Huh?”

“Do you think you can get the passes? Will Kevin remember you or have you been gone too long?”

“He remembers me, David.” I looked around the table. Alaysia had this strained look on her face, probably upset that her attempt to rescue me from David's questions failed. Khalil was drumming on the table. I could tell he wanted to tell his boy to shut up, but didn't want to embarrass me.

I forced a smile. “I'll get tickets and backstage passes for everybody. We can all go together.”