My Soul Cries Out (11 page)

W
hen I stepped off out of the airport, the contrast between the sunny, breezy air in Jamaica, and the gray, freezing cold in D.C. depressed me. The clouds were pregnant and angry, as if it might even snow.
God, couldn't You have at least had the sun shining when I got back here?

It was as if I was being welcomed back to my life. Glad you had a great time in Jamaica, but let's get back to reality. I refused to be moved. I took a deep yoga breath, flexed my thigh and butt muscles and felt a tinge of zing.
I will not be discouraged.

When I got to the house, I went straight to my bedroom. I dug in my dresser and pulled out my exercise clothes. If I kept them lined up on the chaise at the foot of the bed, I would be reminded every day I needed to walk. I put my tennis shoes right by them. Where was my Walkman?

I went down to the kitchen, got a big trash bag, and threw away all the fattening food: potato chips, toaster pastries, cookies, mixed nuts, cupcakes. God, did I really buy this stuff? What was I thinking? I braced myself and opened the freezer. Thank God there were only two pints of Tom & Larry's to throw out. I shut out my thoughts of the starving children dying in Africa and dropped the bag in the trashcan.
Sorry, Tom and Larry. I can't hang wit' y'all no more. I know you guys have been there for me through some rough times, but I gotta let you go. Try to understand, 'kay?

I felt empowered. I was going to take control of my health and my life and turn things around. I decided I would give myself a week before I contacted Kevin or called a lawyer.

Alaysia and I kept our promise. We emailed or called each other every few days. Two weeks went by, and I still hadn't called Kevin. I didn't want to mess up my flow.

I decided to go ahead and find a lawyer. I wasn't quite sure how to do that, so I searched the Internet. Most of them had fancy web pages with articles explaining important facts about divorce. It was more information than I ever wanted to know.

I settled on Attorney Renee Hart. She'd graduated from Howard's law school about the same time I graduated from nursing school. I thought she would be able to relate to me better. Her picture looked like she could be a friend of mine.

My hands shook as I dialed the phone number listed for her.

“Attorney Hart's office,” a soft, pleasant voice answered.

“Yes, I'd like to talk to someone, to a lawyer about, uh, I need some information about getting, uh . . . I need to get a divorce.”

“Of course, ma'am. Ms. Hart is out of the office, but I'll direct you to her voice mail.”

The lawyer 's voice sounded calm and soothing on her message.

I tried to be calm when I left my message. “My name is Monica Harris-Day. I'd like to speak with you about starting divorce proceedings against my husband.” Duh, who else would they be against? I left my contact information and hung up the phone.

 

 

After about a week of playing phone tag, I got an appointment with Attorney Hart. Her office wasn't too far from my job, and I took off early one afternoon to go.

When I pulled up to her office, I got the trembles. Walking through the door, I got the sweats. When her receptionist greeted me, I got the stutters. And when she led me back to Attorney Hart's office and introduced us, I got the goofies. I kept repeating everything she said.

“Hello, I'm Renee Hart.” She stood and came around her desk to shake my hand.

“You're Renee Hart.”

“And you're Monica Harris-Day?”

“I'm Monica Harris-Day.”

“You called about a divorce?”

“I called about a divorce.”

She smiled and gestured for me to have a seat. “Why don't you tell me what's going on.”

I tried to make myself relax. I wondered if the soothing, pale blue walls and the plush armchair I was sitting in were designed to calm frazzled women like me.

“I've been married for two years, and I caught my husband cheating on me. I put him out, and now I want a divorce. That's about it.” And then the stupid tears started falling. I had planned to be succinct and professional. Instead, I was bawling. “Excuse me, I—”

“Don't worry about it. Take your time.” She passed me a box of tissue. “This will probably be one of the hardest things you'll ever have to go through in your life.”

“Sorry. I didn't plan on doing that.” I sniffed. “I think my husband will agree to an uncontested divorce and we should be able to come to a simple agreement about our property. We don't have any kids, and I don't want any alimony, so this should be about as straightforward as it gets.”

“Wait a minute. Before we go into that, I want to make sure this is what you want to do. Have you two considered counseling? Not every couple that experiences adultery gets divorced.”

Did I call a therapist or a lawyer? “I know this is what I want.”

“I just want to be sure. Often, after the initial shock, there's a lot of pain and confusion. It's best to take some time to sort out your thoughts.”

Did she want my business or not? “I'm sure.”

“Have the two of you seen a marriage counselor?”

“No.”

“Have you thought of seeing one before you file for divorce? I don't mean to belabor the point, but divorce is final. Once you start the process, it's difficult to work things out. If there's any chance for reconciliation, it's best to try before you start divorce proceedings.”

The tears started falling again. “No. There's no chance for reconciliation. I can't be in a relationship where there's no trust.” If I told her the whole story, we would have skipped this part of the conversation, but I didn't think I should have to share all my dirt.

She nodded and handed me another tissue. “Okay, then. Sounds like you've made up your mind.” She pulled a legal pad out of her desk drawer and picked up a pen.

We talked about the logistics and her fees, and then I left. I drove down the street and parked at the first gas station I saw. I sat in the parking lot and cried until I had no more tears.

After feeling sorry for myself to God for a few minutes, I realized it wasn't going to do any good. I wiped my face and changed my prayer.

After a few minutes, I felt okay enough to stop crying and drive home. I tried to focus on being proud of myself that I had made the first step. I only needed to call Kevin so we could discuss the terms of our divorce. The lawyer was one thing, but actually talking to him was going to be ten times worse.

W
hen I finally called Kevin, he was eager to come over to talk. Too eager. He wanted to come over right away. I figured it was best to go ahead and get it over with.

I appreciated him ringing the doorbell instead of using his key. When I opened the door, he was standing there with a bouquet of lavender roses. My favorite.

I led him into the family room and didn't bother to take the flowers. I decided to keep it short and to the point. “I went to see a lawyer. I want to talk about a divorce.”

He and the flowers wilted. “Why, Monica? I don't want a divorce. I know we can work things out.”

“Kevin, I don't think so. I need to move forward with my life.”

“No.” He shook the flowers so hard petals fell to the floor. “I can't believe you're saying this.” He walked around the family room. “No. I won't give you a divorce. Why can't you forgive me? I love you.”

I took the flowers out of his hand and laid them on the coffee table.

“Monnie, I want you back, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.”

I looked at him like he was crazy.

“Why are you doing this to us?

“Why am
I
doing this to us?”

“Look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me anymore.”

“Kevin—”

“You can't tell me you don't love me, can you? I know you love me. How can you throw our marriage away? I made a mistake. One mistake. Why can't you forgive me and we move on?”

“You know, you're asking a lot. I walk in on you having sex with another man and I'm supposed to get over it?”

“Not right away. I understand it takes time. I'll give you all the time you need. Just don't divorce me. I've been miserable all these weeks without you. I haven't written a song. Can't play right. My anointing is off. I'm nothing without you, baby. Can't you see that?”

“Why weren't you thinking about this on that day?”

“I've been over that day a million times in my mind. If I could take it back, God knows I would. If I could go back to when Trey first came back to D.C., I would've told him to go away and never contact me again. I was fooling myself to think I could be friends with him. Please, don't make me suffer the rest of my life for one mistake.”

He stepped closer and I could feel his love like a magnet, drawing me to him. He stepped even closer and I laid my head on his chest. I closed my eyes for a second and inhaled his cologne. If I could just erase that day and have everything between us be like it was.

He slowly put his arms around me, moving carefully as if he was afraid he would break the spell he cast on me. I let him hold me for a second. I needed to feel him. I wanted to pretend nothing had happened.

But I couldn't.

I pulled myself away from him. He tried to hold me again, but I held up my arms.

“Please, don't push me away.” Kevin's eyes pleaded louder than his voice.

I could feel my heart cracking in two. Like the life was being sucked right out of me. I went into the bathroom for a few minutes, hoping he would get his emotions under control.

Hoping I would get my emotions under control.

I was mad at myself for feeling anything for him. He was right. I couldn't look him in the eyes and tell him I didn't love him. I did love him. Would probably always love him.

Like my girl Tina Turner said, though, what's love got to do with it?

I came out of the bathroom, resuming my businesslike posture. “Perhaps I should give you some time to think about it.”

“I don't need time to think about it. I don't want to talk about a divorce, not now or ever.”

“You're being ridiculous. You cheated on me, but you won't give me a divorce? Does that make any sense? I really don't need your agreement. Based on what you did, any court in this country would grant me a divorce whether you wanted one or not.”

Kevin paced around the family room, staring at the walls. I guess he just realized all the pictures of us were gone. He groaned, “Please, Monnie, don't do this to us.”

“You did this to us. Not me.” I could feel the tears rising. “Kevin, I need you to leave.”

“Don't make me go. I'm sorry, but this is hard for me.”

“You think it's easy for me?”

“Then why are you doing this?”

“Kevin. Just . . .” I held up my hand to let him know to give me a minute.

He sat down on the couch, rubbing his head.

I walked into the kitchen. Reflex action. Next thing I knew, I was standing in front of the freezer, cursing myself for throwing out Tom & Larry. I needed them to help me deal with Kevin. I walked back to the family room.

Kevin looked up at me. “I don't want a divorce, Monica. Take some time to think about it. Pray about it. I pray every day for God to help you forgive me.”

I shook my head and stared at him. “You know what I don't understand? You knew how I grew up. You know about all the times my dad cheated on my mom and how much I hated it. And then you go and do the same thing he did. Only worse.”

“I'm not your dad.”

“And I'm not about to be my mom.”

“It was one time. I only cheated on you one time. I swear it'll never happen again.”

“I'm not willing to take that chance. How can I be sure?”

“You have my word.”

“I thought I had your word when you said ‘I do'.”

He dropped his head.

I let out a deep breath. “Kevin, do you know how many kids my mom wanted when she and my dad got married?”

He wrinkled his eyebrows like he was trying to figure out where I was going with this.

“Four. She wanted four kids. She gained a whole lot of weight while she was pregnant with me. That was the first time my dad cheated on her. Long story short, the woman gave my dad something, my dad gave my mom something, and my mom got a bad infection. Spread through her tubes and made her sterile. I was an only child because my dad gave my mom a disease that stole her ability to have kids. His cheating made her infertile.”

He looked shocked.

“I'm not going out like that, Kevin.”

“I can't believe he did that. Why did your mom stay with your dad all these years?”

“Precisely.” I nodded. “My point exactly.”

Kevin looked like he wished he could take his question back.

“Do you know how humiliating it was to get tested for STDs? Do you know what it was like to wait all those days to find out if you gave me something? Would I catch something like my mom? Or worse still, did you give me HIV?”

“You got tested?”

“The real question is, did you? Did Trey?”

“It wasn't like I said, ‘I'm gonna go cheat on Monica. Let's go get tested to make sure I don't give her anything.' It just happened.”

“How did you know whether you would catch something and give it to me?”

He paused. “I didn't.”

“You prove my point again. I'm not going out like that.”

Kevin walked over to the fireplace and stared at the large empty spot where our wedding picture used to be. “I'm not the kind of man who could do that over and over. I love you. I love God. It was an enemy from my past that snuck up on me when I wasn't looking. I really believed God that I was delivered.”

He turned to look at me with his soul-piercing eyes. “You don't have to decide now, but promise you'll take some time to pray about it. If God tells you to divorce me, I'll walk away and you'll never have to think about me again. But if God tells you how much I love you and how He's ordained for us to be together, you have to promise you'll try to forgive me and we'll work through this.”

“I don't think—”

“Don't think. Talk to God. Please. That's all I ask.”

Before I could stop him, he leaned over and kissed my cheek. He whispered, “I love you with all my heart,” and then walked out the door.