My Soul Cries Out (15 page)

A
laysia pushed the door open. “Here we are. Home sweet home.”

“This is absolutely beautiful.” It was like walking into an upscale spa. The walls were a pale, sage green. A wall-length fountain had pretty, smooth rocks with water splashing off them, making peaceful, tinkling sounds. She had a large, beige couch with soft lavender and green throw pillows. There was a sunroom out back that let out onto a large patio. Plants covered both of them.

“This is your room in here.”

“This is wonderful.”

There was a beautiful mahogany sleigh bed with a matching dresser and mirror and a sitting area with a chaise lounge and throw pillows. The whole décor was done in earth tones. Reminded me of Trina's.

“You go ahead and get settled. I'm gonna put the finishing touches on dinner. I've prepared a special meal for your first night here.”

“Lovely. What is it? Curds and whey? Granola and tofu?”

“It is tofu, actually. Jerked tofu and stir-fried vegetables over rice, and a surprise for desert.”

“Great. I'll lose weight from sheer starvation.”

“Keep an open mind. You'll like it. I promise.”

I changed into some scrubs and unpacked my clothes. I didn't have many that fit anymore. I'd have to go shopping.

When I finished hanging up everything, I wandered into the kitchen. Whatever Alaysia was cooking smelled too good to be healthy.

We sat down at the table. I looked down at my plate and frowned. There were big chunks of whitish brown stuff mixed with a lot of different kinds of vegetables over rice.

“So, this is tofu. What is tofu anyway?”

“Soybean curd.”

“I really am eating curds and whey.”

Alaysia laughed. “Just try it, silly.”

I took a tentative bite with only vegetables and rice. I knew that was safe. Maybe she'd stop watching me after I ate a few forkfuls. Then I could spit the tofu into a napkin if I needed to. It was well seasoned, like the food we had in Jamaica.

“This is actually good. Go 'head girl.”

“Try the tofu.”

“What if I just do the vegetables? Do we have to do the whole fake meat thing?”

“You're gonna need the protein when we start your workout regimen. Just try it.”

It was good. It tasted like the spices she seasoned it with.

“Well?”

“A'ight Laysia. It's good.” I kept chewing. “It's really good.”

When we finished our food, Alaysia cleared the table with this big grin on her face. “Ready for dessert?”

“Bring it on.”

She opened the refrigerator and pulled out a pie plate. “Tada! It's your favorite. Strawberry cheesecake.”

It looked like cheesecake, but how do you make a cheesecake without dairy and sugar? I didn't ask because I didn't want to know. Dinner was a pleasant surprise, so I decided to try it.

“Oh my God. How did you make this? This is so good.” It had a little bit of a different taste to it, but was still rich and creamy. If I didn't know the house rules, I might have believed it was real cheesecake.

“Silken tofu. It's sweetened with fruit sugar.”

I savored every bite of the generous piece of cheesecake. “Maybe this whole healthy thing isn't going to be so bad.”

“I'm glad you feel that way. We start your workout program in the morning.”

“Dag, Laysia. Don't I get time to settle in and get acclimated?”

“Sure. Do all the acclimating you need to. Tonight. And be ready to work out in the morning.”

“Sir, yes, sir.” I saluted.

“That's right. Act like ya know.”

“What's this gym like?”

“State of the art. The latest and greatest equipment. Real upscale. You'll like it.”

I didn't tell her how much I hated gyms. If working out was punishment for being fat, then working out in a gym was like getting a whipping outside in front of all the neighborhood kids.

The phone rang. Alaysia grabbed it. “Hello?”

She smiled. “Hey, Kevin, how are you?” She paused. “Oh, I'm great. Yeah, the business is going good. I'm hoping your girl can dig me out of trouble here.” She paused again. “Yeah, she's all brains. I know you didn't call to talk to me. Here she is.”

Alaysia handed me the phone and went to her room.

I sunk into the couch. “Hey, Kevin,” I said after taking a deep breath.

“Hey, Monica. I wanted to make sure you got settled in. How was your drive?”

Kevin had begged to drive me down. He didn't like the idea of me being on the road ten hours by myself. Whenever we went on trips, he did most of the driving because the little white lines on the road hypnotized me. I never could stay awake too long.

“The drive was a piece of cake. I didn't even get sleepy.” I stretched out my legs. “I'm getting settled. Alaysia cooked a healthy meal for me, and she was telling me about the gym. My workouts start tomorrow morning.”

He laughed. That soft, sexy laugh. Dangit, why'd he have to call?

“She's not wasting any time, is she?”

“No, she's a drill sergeant. It's good for me, though. I gotta get off this medicine.” I could hear him playing this love song he wrote for me on his guitar. “Kevin?”

“Yeah?”

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing, just playing around with some tunes. You know how I do. I have to write a couple more songs for the album, so I've been messin' around with some stuff.”

I felt like he was plucking my heartstrings instead of the guitar strings.

“Kevin?”

“Huh?”

“I need some time. Can you give me some time?”

He stopped playing. “What do you mean? You're in Atlanta, I'm in D.C. I'd say that's giving you time.”

I blew out a long breath. “Kevin.”

“You mean not calling?”

“Yeah. I need to be able to focus on me and not think about us right now.”

He was quiet. Started strumming the guitar again. This time it was a few melancholy chords. “Okay, I'll give you all the time you need. Call me when you're ready.”

“Yeah. Okay.”

As I was about to hang up, he said, “Monnie?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I email you?”

I had to laugh. “You're not gonna make this easy, are you?”

“I ain't trying to make it hard. I want what's best for you. I . . . I just want—”

“You can email me, Kevin.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Talk to you soon. Well, not talk to you—email you soon. I love you, Monnie.”

“Bye, Kevin.”

I knew it hurt him for me to not say “I love you” back, but I couldn't. Not that it wasn't true. I just didn't need to be feeling that love right now. It was hazardous to my health.

T
he next morning, Alaysia and I pulled up in front of a large building with a sign on the front that read: JIM'S GYM.

“I wonder how long it took him to come up with that name.”

Alaysia chuckled. “Not very creative, huh? Wait 'til you see it, though. It's the best facility in the city.”

My eyes bugged out when I walked in. Talk about sensory overload. House music blared. Rows and rows of cardio machines made whirring noises. Televisions hanging in front of the cardio machines played all different channels. Real high-tech.

There were two separate areas with weight equipment, fully occupied. An aerobics studio had a packed-to-capacity step class going on. Alaysia showed me another room where they had yoga and Pilates classes. Then there was the jock room in the back with the heavy weights and a bunch of swollen men looking like they had steroids for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Then there was the “ladies' area” with the multicolored free weights. I knew this would be my spot. The place where the big women like me hid from the fit people.

As Alaysia walked me through the gym, she introduced me to a lot of people. I didn't catch any of their names because I was too busy looking at their bodies. There was a honey-colored girl with natural twists in her hair and a perfectly toned, compact, muscular body. Then there was a tall, almond-colored guy with muscles so huge he couldn't rest his arms flat at his sides. Then there was a tall, thin, mustard-colored girl who was all legs. It was a blur of perfectly sculpted bodies.

I hated gyms. They were full of cute, skinny girls in skimpy exercise outfits and strong, muscular men covered in sweat, who were overly interested in the skinny girls in the skimpy outfits. Then there were the big girls like me, trying to hide their bodies in big sweatpants and T-shirts and working our butts off so we could look like the skinny girls in the skimpy outfits. Then there were the skinny guys who were trying to lift more than their body weight so they could be like the muscular guys and get the attention of the skinny girls in the skimpy outfits.

No matter what, it was all about the skinny girls in the skimpy outfits.

“All right, ready to get started?” Alaysia asked.

“Laysia, can't I walk outside in the neighborhood around the condo?”

“Are you crazy? Monnie, it's August in Atlanta. It's got to be over a hundred degrees with a hundred percent humidity outside. If you wanted to do that, you shoulda said something first thing this morning.”

“I hate the machines. You run and run but don't go anywhere. I feel like a hamster on a wheel just spinning around and around.”

“How 'bout a step class?”

“Please. I can't keep up with those crazy steps.” I pulled my T-shirt over my butt and folded my arms across my breasts. I looked down at my chest. I had tried to fit into a stupid sports bra, but it was too small, and I had a big hump sticking up in the middle.

Great. The dreaded third-breast syndrome.

I shifted from side to side. “Can't I start tomorrow? I promise I'll walk a whole hour.”

“What's wrong?”

“I don't feel comfortable here.”

“Why not?”

“Because everybody here is perfectly in shape and I'm a fat slob.”

“You're not a fat slob. And nobody is looking at you.” She rubbed my arm. “You gotta start somewhere, Monnie. Don't worry about what anybody thinks. This is all about you. Come on, there's a walking track upstairs. You can do your cardio there.”

She led me upstairs to a soft-surfaced track that circled the entire gym. I could look down on the people exercising.

“I'm gonna let you walk at your own pace to warm up some, then I'll come back and get you and we'll do some weight training.”

I nodded. I stretched and started walking. I pumped my arms and walked with long strides. I distracted myself by watching the people on the weights. When I came around the curve, Alaysia was waiting for me.

“Ready?”

“What took you so long? How long have I been going?”

“About fifteen minutes.”

“That all?” It felt like thirty. This was going to be a slow road getting back in shape.

 

 

“Push. Come on, three more.”

I wanted to slam Alaysia in the face with the free weight I was lifting. Lucky for her, my arm was too tired to get it anywhere near her head.

“Okay, Monnie, we finished chest, back, triceps, and biceps. We need to do a few shoulder exercises and you'll be done for this session. We can do abs later tonight.”

“Later tonight? You better get out of me whatever you want now, 'cause this is it for today.”

She laughed. Good thing one of us was enjoying this. “A'ight. We'll call it a day and pick up tomorrow with lower body. How do you feel?”

“Not too bad, actually. I thought I'd be sore, but I'm not.”

“Wait 'til tomorrow.”

We brought our clothes so we could shower and go to the mall afterward. If I was going to have to be in the gym all the time, I at least wanted some decent workout clothes.

When we walked into the women's locker room, I stopped in my tracks. There were no private stalls. Everybody changed out in the open. Naked, skinny bodies everywhere. No way was I going to undress in front of a bunch of skinny girls.

I tapped Alaysia. “I'm too tired to go to the mall. Why don't we go on home and we can shop before my workout tomorrow?”

“Okay, but I still need to run to the health food store and I don't want to do it funky.”

She proceeded to take off her exercise top. I just stood there.

“What? Come on. Go 'head and shower and then I can make a quick run so we can take you home to get some rest. Maybe I made you do too much for a first day.”

“Laysia, there is no way I'm showing my big butt in front of all these skinny girls.”

“Monnie, what is wrong with you? Nobody is looking at you.”

“Fine.” There was no way I'd be able to explain it to her. She was a skinny girl.

Unfortunately, the towel I brought didn't fit all the way around me. The big, open space in the front where the edges of the towel didn't meet had my fat rolls hanging out. I walked to the shower as fast as I could and hid in a stall. I choked down a scream when the freezing cold water hit me. Common sense said stand outside until the water warmed up, but I wasn't about to stand there with people walking by looking at my rolls.

After I showered, I went back to the dressing area and stood staring at my underwear, trying to figure out how to get them on without dropping the towel. The towel wouldn't stay on by itself, so I had to hold it with one hand and try to get my panties on with the other.

I ended up hopping around the dressing room, trying to get my other leg in the underwear without dropping my towel. The bra was even harder. Should I fasten it and then put it on like a shirt? Alaysia came from the shower just in time to see me slipping the bra over my head.

“Monica, what are you doing?”

“Putting on my bra.” I pretended I didn't look like a complete idiot with my DD cup stuck on my ear.

She shook her head.

I decided to go ahead and put my pants on, then I could drop the towel and turn my back and put my bra on real quick. When Alaysia saw me hopping around on one foot, trying to get my other pants leg on, she stopped and stared at me.

Alaysia said, “You're gonna break your stupid neck. Give me that durn towel.”

Before I could protest, she snatched it. I would've tried to get it back, but I was standing there with my huge titties flopping everywhere, and one of my thunder thighs and half my butt exposed. I pulled the pants on as fast as I could.

“You make me sick, Laysia.”

She laughed until she saw I was really upset. “I'm sorry.” She watched me pulling on my bra at breakneck speed. “This fat thing goes a lot deeper than I thought, huh?”

“You have no clue.”

I hurriedly put the rest of my clothes on and shoved my stuff in my bag. “I'll meet you at the car.”

 

 

After we went to the health food store, Alaysia dropped me off and said she had to run some errands. I decided to catch a quick nap.

When I woke up later, a brand new gym bag sat at the foot of my bed. I opened it and found two larger sports bras, three huge beach towels, an extra-large terry-cloth robe and half a dozen long T-shirts with matching stretch pants.

Guess I didn't have an excuse not to go to the gym the next day.