My Only (31 page)

“I’m
fine
,” she said in a breathy voice, and final y relaxed back against me.

I laid us back down, keeping her within my arms. “You’re
not
, and you know it. I know you’re cool with al this, but I’m not. Neither is your grandma. And if your grandfather supports your decision to do nothing, it doesn’t mean he’s not freaked out. He probably stil wants you to choose something else.”

She was silent for a while, then she said, “I don’t want to be cut open again, or another replacement.” Shifting, I moved onto my side, covering her cheek with my hand as I stared right into her perfect brown eyes. “Don’t you want to be with me?” She looked confused. “Of course, I do.”

“Then have the operation. We can go to whatever school you want to. If you don’t want to go to col ege, if your grandparents want you to stay here, I’l go to Northwestern and commute. I’l do anything you want. I’l
go
anywhere you want. But you have to do what’s necessary to be healthy, Liv. Please?” I was begging her.

She nestled closer to me, burying her face in my chest and I locked my hands behind her. We said nothing, but I took the opportunity to real y enjoy the feel of her body in my arms. If she’d been feeling better, I would have kissed her again until we were both dizzy from it.

But I didn’t. I didn’t want to take any breath away from her. As much as I would have loved to physical y show Olivia my love for her, I settled for holding her, hoping that she could feel the energy I was trying to give to her.

It was nearly one in the morning when she said, “Fine. I’l have the surgery. But if this one doesn’t work, I’m done.” I smiled against the top of her head. “It’s going to work.”

I fel asleep the happy.

Morning came quick and with it, a heavy-handed knock on the door. The door opened before I could extract myself out from under Olivia. My father stood in the doorway, face unreadable as he scratched his head. “The Cartwrights are downstairs.” Oddly enough, I wasn’t panicked or worried. They’d already cut off my right to see Olivia for the past week, so there wasn’t much they could do beyond that. Besides, Olivia had agreed to get the surgery and that would make her grandma happy. Maybe that would be enough to tip the scale in my favor.

“They’re taking Olivia home.”

I cleared my throat as I nodded. Sliding out from under her, I stroked her face and said her name. It took some coaxing, but her eyes fluttered open. My heart swel ed as she beamed at me. “I like this,” she said in a sleep-addled voice.

Her hair was al over the place. I tried to straighten it a little. “Your grandma’s here.” Olivia nodded. It wasn’t a shock that the Cartwrights would come for her here when they discovered her bed empty. We hadn’t done anything to be ashamed of, so I didn’t think either one of us felt badly for fal ing asleep together last night. She leaned toward me and kissed me. It was lengthy.

I loved it, but my father coughed.

She pul ed back and laughed. We both got out of bed. I was a bit worried that she’d be shaky on her feet. My dad went back downstairs. I took the opportunity to kiss her again. “I love you,” I whispered.

“I love you, too.” She took my hand. “I think Grandma wil , too, once I tel her about the Ross procedure.” She was right. We got the evil eye until Olivia hugged her grandmother and said, “I’l have the surgery.” After that it was nothing but smiles until they left. While we weren’t able to be in the same room, we sat at our windows and traded texts al day.

Monday morning, we picked up where we’d left off before the Spring Fling. We drove to school together and were inseparable for the rest of the school day. I had to work, but she’d been forced to quit her job. She wasn’t able to hang out like she’d done before. While I was al owed to see her, Olivia’s grandmother had become even stricter, so while she dropped me off, she couldn’t spend al night at the mal . She couldn’t pick me up either. Aaron had to.

Tuesday was the same until after school. We stayed in her room al night, mainly talking while the television served as background noise.

We spoke briefly about the surgery. It had already been scheduled for next week. She didn’t know how long she’d be out, but I promised to help her keep up with school. We didn’t talk about it. She was quick to change the conversation to happier topics like prom and graduation.

At nine thirty, as expected, Mrs. Cartwright let me know it would be time for me to leave soon. Olivia was tired. She was yawning so much it was hard for her to carry on a conversation.

At ten, she shook me awake gently. Her head was on my shoulder. “You should go, Ad.” I then moved to tickle her, but thought better of it. “Come on, Liv, can’t we hang out a little longer? I bet they’re already asleep down there.” She laughed. “If you want me to fal asleep on you.”

“I’d love that actual y, thank you.” I brushed her hair back then asked, “Or are you saying I’m so boring that I’m putting you to sleep?”

“No,” she said. “I’m saying I’m tired.”

I sat up. “Fine,” I said in an exaggerated voice. “But I cal dibs on you taking me to school tomorrow.” Olivia laughed again. “I
always
take you to school!”

“So I’l see you then?”

“Yep,” she said as she repositioned herself. “In the morning.”

I leaned down and gave her a peck. I almost stood up straight again, but decided I liked the feel of her lips too much. I gave her a kiss we hadn’t shared in a while. It drove me wild when she responded. Her fingers twisted in my hair. God, it was crazy to feel what I was feeling. Lust and love in equal measure.

When I noticed her chest rising and fal ing rapidly, I pul ed away. Laughing at her little whimper-like groan, I said, “There’s time for that later. Rest now.”

She nodded then closed her eyes. It seemed like she fel asleep, but when I reached the door, I heard, “Fun Fact: You’re awesome, Adam.” I paused. “Fun Fact: You’re amazing, Olivia.” Then added, “I love you.”

She didn’t respond as she was truly asleep now. I headed home, excited as always to see her again in the morning.

Sleeping like a rock as usual, I felt pretty good as I turned off my alarm. When I got downstairs, I set everything out for breakfast. School days were simple—toast, fruit, coffee, but not in that order. It only took twenty minutes to rouse Aaron today. He seemed more rested than most mornings. I almost asked, but as I left the room I saw a box of Tylenol PM on his dresser. I didn’t say anything, but I made a mental note to discuss it with him soon.

He saw me look at the medication and could already tel what I was thinking. “I have a test today. If I don’t pass it, Mrs. Unstead won’t let me take the final.” When I got to the doorway, I turned around. Aaron explained. “I’l fail. I just wanted a good night’s sleep for once. It’s not a habit or anything.”

I narrowed my eyes and sighed.

“Don’t freak out. I swear, if I’m stil having issues after school lets out, I’l tel Dad.”

“Okay,” I replied. I didn’t think he took pil s regularly, but I was concerned with how long he’d been dealing with insomnia.

When he was finished cleaning up, we ate our breakfast together. The conversation was light—mainly about graduation and summer plans. I didn’t need him to tel me that he and his buddies had planned a cross-country road trip. It was something he’d been talking about since freshman year.

I wanted to tel him about the surgery Olivia was going to have. I’d told him a while back that she had something wrong with her heart. It made him very uncomfortable. I thought that it was his conscience eating at him. He’d crossed a line with Olivia that he’d never crossed before. His sense of right and wrong was put to the test. Not only had he acted like a jackass to such a kind girl, he basical y never cared enough to find out her secret.

After eating and cleaning up, I wished him luck with his test then headed out to meet Olivia. Most days she was waiting for me if it wasn’t too cold. Being so close to May, the morning air was fifty degrees with a slightly cool breeze. I took the steps up to the porch two by two then knocked on the door. Her grandparents were always prompt in answering, but I waited a ful minute, maybe two. Figuring that they must not have heard me, I knocked louder, then I rang the doorbel .

Again, a long minute passed without anyone answering the door. I stepped over to the railing and peeked around the house to the garage. It was closed. Olivia’s car was stil next to the curb. I ran down the stairs and looked up to her window. The curtains were stil closed. She usual y opened them when she first woke up.

I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t texted her yet this morning. Maybe the power had gone out and reset al of the clocks in their house. I thought older people natural y had an infal ible internal clock, but maybe the Cartwrights had been up late last night.

But that couldn’t be. I’d been there until late. Olivia’s grandparents were in bed before I left.

I grabbed out my phone and sat down on the step, texting quickly,
Hey, where are you?

I waited and got no reply. Across the street, Aaron was trudging out to his jeep, cup of coffee held tightly in his hands.
Livie, what’s up? Are you
sleeping? Wake up!!

Nothing.

“Where is she?”

I jumped at my twin’s voice. “I don’t know. No one’s answering.”

Aaron let out a long breath as he tilted his head up and looked at her darkened window. “Maybe they took her to school.”

“No, that wouldn’t happen.”

“Maybe her car’s got something wrong with it,” he said.

I didn’t buy it for a second. “Why didn’t she text me?”

“I don’t know. We’re going to be late. Do you want a ride?”

I ran through everything I knew about Olivia’s upcoming surgery but I couldn’t remember when some of her appointments were. She said there were a bunch of them before the actual operation; I just didn’t know if one was today. It had to be.

But last night she’d confirmed that she was taking me to school.

Maybe she had forgotten she had an appointment and hadn’t gotten a chance to text me, so I took Aaron up on his offer.

I chewed on my bottom lip as I walked to my brother’s jeep. I hoped that I’d see her before lunch. If they had an eight o’clock appointment in Chicago, she’d be in school by lunchtime.

But she wasn’t.

At my request, Aaron sped home after school. His vehicle wasn’t even in park when I hopped out and raced across the street.

Olivia’s bedroom was stil closed off. I pounded on the door. Anxiety and dread had set in. I felt panicked. Shaking and having trouble breathing, I never stopped pounding on the door.

It wasn’t until my dad came over that I stopped. Al it took was his hand on my arm and mine fel limply to my side. I slumped, al of the energy was gone. I stil felt anxious, but it was muted. With my back to the door, I slid down until I was sitting and then rested my forehead against my knees.

Dad squatted down next to me.

“I don’t understand,” I whispered and shook my head. “They must stil be pissed about the dance. They just pretended to be okay with everything.” I looked up at my father. There was something pained in his expression. “Why would they do that? It’s cruel to make me feel like things are okay and then—”

“Adam,” he said.

“I mean, I understand I messed up. I brought her home late, and she was out in the cold and—”

“Adam,” he said again, this time placing a big hand on my shoulder.

I blinked and looked out at the street. Aaron was on the sidewalk in front of us. Connecting my eyes with his for just a second, I knew. He looked away. I felt sick. My breath was taken from me. The air had gone rancid. My stomach churned.

“He cal ed an hour ago.”

I didn’t know what my dad was talking about.
He
who? I didn’t know who
he
was, and in this moment, I couldn’t have cared less about him cal ing my father.

Something warm pressed against my cheek. It applied pressure and turned my head until I was gazing into my dad’s eyes. His other hand moved to cup my other cheek. He was holding my head up, not al owing me to focus on anything other than his face. When he spoke, his words were slow. “Mr. Cartwright,” he said, pausing for a moment. “He cal ed an hour ago. Olivia went into sudden cardiac arrest early this morning.” I felt numb. I was cold. I wanted to lose it—to either cry or vomit. I struggled in my father’s hold. I wanted to stand up. He kept me stil . “Is she in Chicago? Wil you drive me?” Never before had I regretted so deeply my decision not to get my driver’s license.

“She’s not in Chicago.”

“Great!” I said, again trying to get to my feet.

He moved his hands from my head to my arms, his fingers wrapped around my forearms. I didn’t understand why he was using so much effort to restrain me. I just wanted to go see Olivia. He should be taking me to see her. He stil had plenty of time before work. I could either catch a ride home with the Cartwrights after visitation hours were over, or Aaron could pick me up.

“Adam!” The loudness of his voice shocked me. I stopped struggling. For a moment, Dad’s mouth moved, but no sound came out. It was like he was trying to force himself to say something. I looked at Aaron, who immediately turned away. His hands were in his hair and he was chewing on the inside of his cheek.

Suddenly, I remembered what I’d seen on his face only a few minutes ago. My stomach plunged again. I felt like I was fal ing. I looked back at my father. “Dad?”

His breath hit me in the face. I couldn’t control my rapidly beating heart or the way my chest heaved. Once again, my dad held my head in his hands. Final y the words came from him. “She died, Adam.”

When I heard them, I wanted to shove them back into his mouth.

Although I was aware that slow, hot tears were winding their way down my cheeks, I could barely feel them. There was nothing my father could do to stop me from getting up. He was bigger than me, but I shoved him back.

With fisted hands, I pounded on the Cartwrights’ door. “You’re lying!”