My Only (20 page)

“So driving? Tomorrow?”

“Yep.”

I left her room, my worry abated. Knowing that despite her relationship with Aaron, she wanted to spend time with me helped keep my mood up.

She was in school Tuesday and, just as she promised, she took me out driving. I hadn’t been prepared for her to commandeer me as soon as the bel rang and by the look of it, neither had my brother. But she did just that, tugging on my arm as I finished transferring books from my locker to my bag. Casey stood back, this little knowing expression on his face. He was an eternal optimist. I knew somewhere in that little brain of his he thought that Olivia was trying to hook up with me.

But I knew the truth.

“Come on,” she said, pul ing on me with al her might.

I slapped my locker door shut. “Hold your horses, Livie!”

“Nope. The horses are unleashed and they want to drive!”

I chuckled. “You sure are in a hurry to watch me fail.”

Olivia stopped and I bumped into her then backed up by a foot. She had this look that reminded me of a mother reprimanding her child.

“Where’s your positivity, Mister?”

“I’m positive that I’m going to fail. I don’t even
want
to drive.”

“But you’re gonna.”

“Good luck,” Aaron said as he took two big strides toward us. “Adam doesn’t even like playing driving video games, and he’s a gaming geek.” I’d had a lot of experience being cal ed names, and as names go, “geek” wasn’t bad, but I felt as though it was a chal enge today.

“Actual y, I’m feeling like today’s a great day to learn how to drive,” I said as I stood up as straight and as tal as I could.

“Yay!” Olivia cheered, happiness apparent on her face.

My brother’s expression darkened. He was unused to me meeting a chal enge head-on. He already had Olivia and I wasn’t going to let him keep demeaning me in front of her. It was unnecessary. Unless he was afraid I actual y had a chance to win her.

Her hand was stil attached to my wrist, so I twisted it and took a hold of her hand. A sensation of thril ed excitement shot through me. This was the boldest I’d ever been. “Ready?”

Aaron took her other hand and pul ed her closer. I didn’t let go, but hoped she didn’t get the feeling that she was a rag dol held between two bratty kids. He wrapped his other hand around her waist and pul ed her into him as he bent down. They kissed. What should’ve been a simple peck turned into a quasi make-out in the middle of the hal .

I released her hand and took a step back. Obviously, Aaron had won again.

Casey came up beside me. “He’s a dick,” he whispered. “I can’t believe you came from the same uterus as he did.”

“He’s just protecting his interest.”

I was jolted as Casey pushed me to the side. “Seriously?” he asked. “It’s not international banking, Adam. He’s being a caveman.” I wanted to say something else, but Aaron’s hand on Olivia’s ass made my words dry up. Thankful y, she pul ed away quickly and wiped her mouth. Mumbling something, she took a step back, turned, and grabbed my hand. I fol owed after her, al owing her to pul me through the hal way and then the courtyard.

When we were at her car, she shook her head as she got out her keys. “God, he makes everything so awkward.” That wasn’t the first negative thing she’d said about Aaron, so I jumped on the opportunity to explore it. “I thought you liked him.” Pausing before she opened her door, she said. “I
do
like him. And I don’t even mind a little PDA, but jeez, what the hel was that?” It wasn’t until she’d driven us to the parking lot of the little league fields that she said. “I mean, seriously, what is he thinking?”

“Aaron?”

“Yes! First off, I think it was a little gross for him to be kissing like that in front of you, his
brother
, but then we were in school, too! He could’ve gotten us suspended.”

“That’s nothing. You should’ve seen what he did in the hal when he was going out with Gretchen.” Crap. It sounded better in my head than it did out loud. It sounded like I was either throwing Aaron under the bus or rubbing his past relationship in her face.

“What?”

“Nothing. I’m sorry.” I turned to look out the window. “Maybe we shouldn’t talk about you and Aaron. Or Aaron and other girls. Or Aaron in general.”

Olivia was silent.

I decided to pretend like the previous moment didn’t even happen. “So you gonna teach me to drive or what?” That was the spark she needed to forget about my brother. She began tel ing me about the car. I knew it al . Who didn’t know where the gas pedal was? I knew how to put it into drive. I knew the basic rules of the road and the basic operational functions of a car, but al in theory.

Final y, we switched seats and I took off in a slow circle around the lot. “That’s awesome!” she said. It was as if my not running into the light poles twenty feet away was a big deal. “I told you that you wouldn’t fail.”

I turned the wheel left then slowed to a stop. “Now what?”

“Are you ready for a real road?”

I looked at the country road along the basebal fields. “What if a car comes by?”

“They’l either pass you or they’l fol ow you.”

“What about a cop? I shouldn’t be driving.”

She looked around. “No cops. It’s early evening in mid-November; they’re not patrol ing empty country roads looking for kids driving without a license.”

To try to get out of driving on the road, I pul ed out the big guns. “What if I hit an animal?” She leveled me with a look. “You’re not going to hit a freakin’ animal, Adam. If you don’t want to drive, just say so. We could be enjoying al the wonders of M.T. Shelves right now instead of—”

I didn’t know what possessed me to do it. Al I knew was that I leaned over and kissed her. It wasn’t anything like the way Aaron had kissed her. It was less possessive, less needy, less showy. It was perfect. Just a gentle touch of my lips to hers. It seemed to last forever, but as she pul ed away, her tongue darting out to lick at her lips, I knew it hadn’t been nearly long enough.

“Adam.”

And that was it. With the two syl ables of my name, I realized what a complete idiot I was. I’d kissed her. The girl who only wanted me as a friend.

The girl who was dating my twin brother. The girl who was rejecting me with her look.

I sat back in my seat and stared out over the steering wheel. Wanting to go home, I tried to figure a way out of this. I wanted to take back the last few minutes.

No. No, the last few minutes I would keep. I would treasure them just like every other thing I loved.

But I needed to get out of this situation. If she thought Aaron was awkward, I could only imagine what she thought of me.

The idea of getting out of the car and having her drive seemed ridiculously embarrassing, so I did the only other thing I could think of: I put the car into gear, and I took off out of the parking lot.

I drove us al the way back to our street and parked the car on the corner, put it in park, and then popped the door open. Unbuckling the seat belt, I tried to get out, but she put her hand on my forearm. Al of my movement ceased.

“Adam,” she said. I closed my eyes, loving the way she said my name. “Can we talk about what just happened?” When I opened my eyes, I saw the living room light on at my house. A shadowed figure passed behind it. Aaron wasn’t watching us, but he was in there. I could only imagine how he would flip if he knew I’d just kissed his girlfriend. I shook my head in answer to her question, doubting I could say anything anyway.

“Wil you at least turn around and look at me?”

Again, I shook my head.

“Adam.”

I wanted to kiss her again. I wanted to kiss her al the time. But she wasn’t mine to kiss. She wanted to be with my brother.

Not me.

She was talking. Saying something. I didn’t know what. I was consumed. I could feel our lips pressed together. I could feel her skin beneath my fingers. I could taste the salt of her skin. I turned, kissing her again. This time I touched her bottom lip with the tip of my tongue. She gasped. If I’d thought it would’ve been okay, I would’ve deepened the kiss right then. I would’ve held her face gently in my hand and rubbed the pad of my thumb along her cheekbone.

But she was my brother’s girlfriend, so I pul ed back. “I’m sorry, Olivia.” When her eyes found mine, it was a punch in the gut. I twisted back around and got out of the car. Instead of running into my house like I wanted to, I leaned back into the car and said, “I can’t be your friend when I want to be your boyfriend. I’m sorry.”

With that, I was at my house and in my room in no time.

I spent the night thinking about those two kisses, wishing they were more than what they had been, and hoping Aaron didn’t find out.

I avoided Olivia. It wasn’t difficult. Practice consumed me after school, so I didn’t work. At school, I kept my head down at the times and places we usual y crossed paths. Casey seemed to know something was wrong, but I didn’t confide in him. If Aaron suspected anything, he didn’t let on that he did. Actual y, he seemed relaxed, like he was happy Olivia and I weren’t speaking.

The whole band performed wel at the Magnificent Mile Parade. While I didn’t see them, I knew my dad and Aaron were somewhere in the crowd and with them was Olivia. I focused on drumming—giving it my al during the drumline solos. It wasn’t until after the performance when I was on the bus, while everyone was talking about what they were going to do with al their free time now that marching band season was over, that I realized I now had nothing to distract me.

I started getting back into gaming. I played some online RPG every night. Every other weekend I was at one of my buddies’ houses watching a movie or playing the old-school predecessors to
World of Warcraft
. I spent a lot of time in the garage banging out beats as loud as I could. Most of the time I spent out there was when Aaron had Olivia over. I tried not to look at her, but it was difficult.

We seemed to do this little dance. She would watch me and I would watch her, but never at the same time. We never let each other know that we were doing it, but I thought we were both clued in. I could feel her eyes on me when I couldn’t avoid her.

This was the way Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s passed. It was becoming easier not to talk to her, even though I stil wanted to.

Aaron would stil come into my room to look at her while they talked on the phone. Those were the times I banged on the drums extra loud. At least twice the neighbors came over to threaten to tel my dad how loud I was being late at night. I didn’t care, though. Drumming helped me drown it al out.

My birthday, which was, of course, Aaron’s birthday and the anniversary of my mom’s death, came and went. Just like every year, my dad tried to make it nice, but no one real y felt it.

By the time Valentine’s Day came around, I’d convinced myself I didn’t like Olivia anymore. I’d gone back to thinking about Delaney. I pushed myself to imagine going to school with her in the fal . I visualized us walking to classes together on the Northwestern campus.

It wasn’t until I saw Olivia skip down the steps of her front porch in her little red skirt and big, bulky winter coat that I realized how wrong I was. I liked Olivia. I wanted her more than ever. I wanted to be her friend again, but the embarrassment of those kisses stil stung like viper bites.

I watched as Aaron met her on the sidewalk. Together they crossed back over onto our side of the street. He bent down to kiss her as he opened his jeep door for her. She looked away and he ended up kissing her cheek. He laughed, tugged her stocking cap down lower over her ears and then kissed her again. This time he made his mark.

I backed away from the window and logged onto my computer.

It was better this way. There was little embarrassment online. To most people I was just an avatar and a screen name. It was hard to make a fool of myself to strangers who didn’t even know the real me.

I imagined living the rest of my life like this. It seemed almost comforting.

It wasn’t until a car door slammed that I took myself out of the game. I’d gotten lost in it. It was a blissful y peaceful feeling.

But I couldn’t help but go to the window. Aaron and Olivia stood in front of his Wrangler, il uminated only by the street lamp two doors down and the soft glow of our porch light. They looked utterly unhappy. Her face was pink, but I wasn’t sure if it was because of the cold wind of the February night or because of something else. Aaron took a step toward her, but she took a step backward. He tried again. This time, she shoved him.

Obviously, they were fighting. I should’ve been thril ed, but there was something about her face. Olivia was almost always fil ed with this amazing joy that couldn’t be kept inside of her. But tonight she looked sad.

The shove must have made Aaron pretty mad. He threw his hands up and al around. They were the familiar gestures he always used when he was trying to express something with emotion. Now Olivia tried to approach him, but he held his hand out, essential y stopping her in her tracks.

Her hair was whipping around underneath the red hat. She was probably freezing. She was shifting back and forth in some kind of strange dance to keep warm. Aaron should’ve at least brought her inside or back into the jeep get her warm.

They argued for another ten minutes. Then Mrs. Cartwright came out, her coat hastily thrown over her pajamas.

Both Olivia and Aaron looked over at her then Aaron turned and walked toward our house, leaving my beautiful Livie out on the sidewalk alone.

She watched him for a moment then glanced up toward my bedroom. Immediately, I backed away, hoping she didn’t see me watching them.

I waited until she turned and walked to her grandmother before I closed the blinds.

My bedroom door flew open.

“God, she’s ridiculous!” Aaron stood red-faced in my doorway, hair a mess from the hat he’d just removed.

I didn’t know why he was coming in here to talk to me about her—unless he wanted to use my window. But he flopped down on my bed without even turning his gaze toward the window. “What happened?”