My Little Secret (9 page)

 

“Fireworks on the Fourth of July. Thanksgiving was another lie,” I sing along with Mary J. Blige, feeling every lyric on this song. She is singing about me and Midori, but I know it's time I move on.

Nevaeh is here using up all my damn hot water. Who the hell takes a two-hour shower? I had to check on her to make sure her ass hadn't dropped dead or some shit, because you know those model types never fuckin' eat. She just showed the hell up, and I was pissed because I hadn't heard from Midori since she went home, and I knew that meant that she and Ray had reconciled.

A part of me wants to hate her because she found the one thing I never could: true love. But when you think of true love, do you incorporate the possibility of a cheating-ass husband and lonely nights? Do you include the tears, and the headaches, and the tight feeling in your chest when you feel like you're going to take your last breath and you don't, but it still hurts? The ups and downs were getting to be too much, but now I feel like I'm in revenge mode, and I don't think I want them happy together. The thing is, how am I going to break them apart?

“Sorry I took so long in the shower,” Nevaeh apologizes as she walks past me stark naked and plops her dripping wet ass on my bed.

I roll my eyes up in my head and head toward the kitchen to get something to drink. I want her to leave, but why can't I just say that shit?

“It's cool. I guess I could always take a shower next week,” I say in a sarcastic tone as I sit down in front of my laptop. I have a deadline that is creeping right up on my ass, but I can't write. My mind is occupied with so much other shit that I can't even concentrate on the story I'm writing. I know my next book is going to be a for-sure best-seller—that is, once I get the damn thing done.

“Oh, I guess you're on some PMS shit this afternoon, huh?” Nevaeh comes back while she dries off.

A closer look reveals her ass resting on my pillow, and I am so close to snapping, it isn't even funny.

“No, but do you think a shower is supposed to last that long? You only weigh like a buck twenty soaking wet, so what took so long? Then you come walking your naked ass out here, dripping all over my damn floor, and plopping your naked ass on my pillow. I'm confused as to why you don't see my agitation.”

Reading over the last page I wrote, I begin typing the scene out that was playing in my head to at least get this chapter done. I have been on this same chapter for two weeks, and I really have to get moving.

I want to call Midori, or just be a fly on the wall in their house so I can see what was going on. I have to move past it, though. At least until I am done with this book.

“Damn, you act like you don't even want me here,” Nevaeh says like she is about to cry. But I'm in I-don't-care mode, and it doesn't faze me in the least. “Nevaeh, you invited yourself here. I was just nice enough to let you stay.”

“You are such a mean bitch! We are in a relationship, Jaydah, and you act like I don't even exist.”

“First of all”—I jump up from the table and take three giant steps across the room to where she is. I have to set the record straight if it kills me—“We are not in a relationship. I told you that I wasn't ready for all that, but you keep insisting on making me be with you.”

“And what's so wrong with me that I can't get a commitment from you?”

“Do you think you're perfect? Do you not believe that you can be annoying as hell?” I want to punch her in the damn throat, and I am saying mean shit to her just to hurt her. In reality, she is more reliable than Midori could ever be, but I don't love her. That's all it boils down to.

“And you just got all your shit together, huh? You annoy me too with your sometimey-acting ass, but I accept you for who you are. I don't try to change you.”

“I'm in love with somebody else.”

It's like time slows down, and everything is in slow motion. Suddenly the sounds around us get louder, and I can hear the faucet dripping in the bathroom because Nevaeh didn't turn it all the way off when she got out of the shower.

I don't want to be the first to break eye contact, but I can't look away. I can hear a car passing by with its speakers to the max, sending out snatches of “One More Chance” by The Notorious B.I.G. into the atmosphere, and at that moment I need just that, another chance.

“What did you just say to me?” Nevaeh asks, like she didn't hear what I said the first time.

Truth be told, I can't bring myself to say it again, but I have to, so I can hear it with my own ears.

“I'm in love with somebody else,” I repeat the words, but don't know if I really believed them. Midori has her own situation, and we all knew the side jaw never wins, so what am I in love with? The possibility of her being miserable with me? Because in reality she should have stayed with her husband? Who am I fooling?

“What's her address?” Nevaeh asks me as she begins to blow-dry her hair and press it out with my ceramic flat iron.

She isn't all the way together, and I am wondering what is clicking in her head. I don't want to have to choose between the two because, if I have to pick, I wouldn't pick Nevaeh.

“What do you need her address for?” I ask out of curiosity, knowing I would never give it to her. What is she going to do? Go over there and make a fool of herself when I don't belong to her anyway?

“I just want to talk to her,” she replies nonchalantly as she gets dressed in a cute pair of Citizens of Humanity jeans with a matching sweater and a sexy pair of Manolo Blahnik kitten heel boots.

I turn my attention from her and continue working on my manuscript, not paying her ass any mind. Nevaeh is anything but thug, and I know Midori could get good and ghetto, so if Nevaeh knows what is best for her she will fall back.

“Do you hear me talking to you?” Nevaeh asks me again.

I think I'm successfully ignoring her, but apparently I'm not.

“Nevaeh, I'm not giving you Midori's address.”

“So what do I do in the meantime? Sit back and play with my pussy until you decide who you want to be with?”

“No, by all means do you, because I most certainly will. I can't concentrate with all of these distractions, and I just need some time to think. You don't have to wait for me.”

She doesn't even bother to respond; she simply turns on her heels and gets her pocketbook.

I watch her as I continue to type, and she takes the time to pack up the few things she has here, and surprisingly I don't care.

I need a moment of solitude, and I don't feel like the drama that comes with being in a relationship, as if my being lesbian sometimes isn't enough. It's hard for me to walk out here and do these interviews and book signings and pretend like I don't like the advances so many women make at me, when I know a few of them I would have definitely bedded. I am fed up and tired of everything.

“So you just gonna leave?” I ask her once she has everything packed and is heading toward the door. I hate to see her go, but I know I'd be a fool to ask her to stay.

Her nose is red, and her cheeks are stained with tears as she buttons her coat and wraps her scarf around her neck to protect herself from the harsh March winds blowing around outside. I feel bad. Really, I do, because I don't want it to end like this, but I know it has to. It's time to make Nevaeh a part of the change. I need to sort my emotions out, and I can't do it while she's here.

“What do you want me to do, Jaydah? Huh? What do you want me to do?”

“Forgive me.”

She doesn't bother to respond; instead, she pulls her rollaway suitcase through the door and looks at me one last time before closing it.

I thought I was going to fall to pieces, but a part of me in a weird sort of way feels relief. I can't give her what she wants right now, not at this point, and in reality I can't give Midori what she wants either.

Closing my laptop after saving my script, I turn out all the lights after lighting a few strategically placed candles I have around my place. When I go to the bathroom to run some bath water, I am annoyed that Nevaeh didn't even bother to rinse the damn tub out, but in that same instant I know that is one of the things I would miss about her.

Once I rinse the tub clean, I sit inside and allow the tub to fill up while I am in it, making the water extra hot. I know the hot water will soothe the aching muscles in my legs and arms, but there isn't water hot enough in the world to soothe the muscle that hurts in me the most: my heart. I rest my head on my bath pillow and my feet on the faucet, allowing the bubbles in the tub to cover me up to my neck. My life is in shambles, and a part of me figures I deserve as much.

I hear my phone ring, but figure it may be Nevaeh calling to reason with me, and I don't feel like hearing it right now. At the same time it could be Midori, but I don't feel like hearing her shit either. Instead, I allow Mary J. Blige to serenade me because I feel like she felt in the song I have on repeat. For the other woman there are no happy holidays. That statement couldn't be truer, but am I willing to give up all the other days in between?

Sinking further into the tub, I think about going all the way under and staying there until my soul is taken away, but there is no glory in the life of a dead author. The news of my demise would fly through MySpace and all who thought they knew me would speculate, but on the very next day the world would be back to sweating the next best-seller, and I would be a has-been.

After sitting in the tub until the water turned cold and my skin puckered like a prune, I quickly wash in the cool water and make my way to my bed, plopping down soaking wet in the very same spot Nevaeh had occupied. I don't even bother to dry off; I just curl up under the covers and sing along with my girl Mary, while I try to put a plan together. Tomorrow is going to have to be better because, on the real, I am running out of options.

 

“So are you going to do it, or should I?” I ask Ray as we share space at the breakfast table. He is reading the daily news and seemingly enjoying his meal, while I sip a cup of hazelnut coffee, not really tasting it, but drinking it anyway. Ever since I found that picture and the reality of what we were doing to each other set in, I've looked at him differently.

Of course he fed me a bunch of bullshit last night about always loving me and never wanting to leave me. He was so apologetic, but not enough for me to surrender and give him some pussy. Cheating is one thing, but knowing who he cheated with is different. That bitch had been in my house and had broken bread at my table, all with a snide-ass smile on her face. I could just imagine that same ridiculous-ass smile down at the unemployment line. I don't care where she works, she had better have her ass gone today, and I'll be definitely making a surprise visit to his office to make sure it was done. Hell, her husband has a practice; she could go and work for him.

“Should you do what, honey?” he asks me, not even looking up from his paper.

I have to control my reflexes from tossing my hot cup of coffee on his ass, but I play it cool. You can't game a gamer, and if nothing else, I'll have shit my way.

“Fire Barbara. Should I go do it, or will you?”

I'm not in the mood for beating around the bush this morning. Hell, I don't even know why he is keeping her ass around anyway. All she does is sit around the office and talk shit with the other R.N.s who work there. What is she doing that anyone else around there couldn't do? Okay, she is in charge of distributing meds, but I'm almost certain there is someone there dying to take her spot. No one is liked by everyone.

“Midori, I told you I would handle it. Do I come over and try to run your business? Huh? When I told you that Tiffany was stealing medication from your office and trying to sell it on the street, did you let her go right away?”

“This is hardly the same thing, Ray,” I shout at him, having to put my favorite coffee mug down before I use it to bust him in the damn head. “Tiffany was a thief and was dealt with accordingly. Barbara, on the other hand, is sleeping with my husband and causing problems in our household. There is no need for further investigation because the damn evidence is in your wallet!”

“You know what, Midori? You're right. When I get to the office, she'll be called into a meeting.”

“If you don't do it, I will. I'll be hitting her husband up to let him know what's going on, too. Don't fuck with me, Ray. I promise you won't win.”

“Are you threatening me?” he asks, abruptly sliding his chair back from the table and standing up to tower over me.

“No, I'm not threatening you at all,” I say as I stand up as well. I only come to about his shoulder, but I don't care. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. I don't even bother to raise my voice, but I know what I have to say would hit like a ton of bricks.

“Well, it sounded like a damn threat to me,” he says, circling the table and standing right in front of me.

Lord, just don't let me have to go get my little friend from the bedroom closet. I'd kill his ass, then turn around and do the damn autopsy.

“I'm not threatening you, Ray, but I promise you that if the bitch isn't gone by lunchtime, you won't like how shit goes down. It's cheaper to keep me, Ray. Believe me when I tell you, it's cheaper to keep me.”

I don't even bother to wait for a response. I simply turn to rinse my cup and set it inside the dishwasher. I can feel his stare burning a hole into the back of my head, but Ray isn't stupid. I have five brothers who are just waiting for him to fuck up, so they'll have a reason to chop him up into little pieces and feed him to the family dog.

Just to be a smart ass, I take the keys to my car, and to his on the low, so he will have to move out all the other vehicles he has in our five-car garage to get to the jeep he drives when he isn't driving his Phantom to the office. Normally he would have already switched spaces with the Phantom, and when I see that he hadn't swapped cars yet, I take advantage of the situation.

We park in the driveway because, who feels like having to back out of the garage every day when, if the car was right there, we could get in and bounce? I don't care either way. Since he wants to make shit hard on me, I'll be making it hard on him.

After my drive in to my office, I park my car in front of my building, and after checking to make sure everything is running, I walk two blocks down, battling the wind to go to the Starbucks coffee shop, so I can get some scones and another cup of coffee, since I'd neglected to eat breakfast. The wind is whipping up some kind of crazy, and I have to almost walk backwards to keep from being blown away.

As I attempt to do just that, I bump into a soft body, and instantly regret it. I don't want to turn around because I think it may be Jaydah stalking me, but to my surprise it is Nevaeh. I haven't been in the same space with her since dinner that night, and I'm kind of surprised that she knows my name.

“Midori, how are you?” she asks me with a bright smile that suddenly makes it feel a little warmer outside.

I am stunned by how beautiful she is, and I can't take my eyes from her face. “I'm good. How have you been?” I finally respond, stepping into the warm embrace she offered. I can smell her Pink by Victoria perfume wafting up from under her scarf as we embrace, and I close my eyes and inhale for a quick second, trying to remember and forget at the same time how it feels to be held by a woman.

“I'm good. Just had to drop off some shots to a photographer not too far from here.”

“And how is Jaydah?” I ask on the sly, just to see if she will answer the way I want her to. I want her to say she is going through it and she doesn't know why, so I can tell her it's because of me, but she doesn't say that. In fact, her answer takes me totally by surprise.

“Oh, girl, I can't keep her off me. Mmmm, she just got me turned the hell out.”

“Is that so?” I say in response, not sure how Jaydah would feel about her just outright telling people her business. Not that Jaydah is shy with the fact that every so often she wants a soft body in her bed, but she doesn't just go around saying that shit to total strangers either.

“Honey, I'm pressed for time, but check this out. What are you doing for lunch today? I want to talk to you about something,” Nevaeh says, seemingly oblivious to the fact that she just told me she's gay. At the same time she piques my curiosity, and makes me wonder what she has to talk to me about.

I was actually planning to go over to Ray's office to set a few of them bitches straight and to make sure he gets rid of Barbara's bitch ass, but what Nevaeh has to say seems a tad more interesting. It's cool, though. I'll just make it a quick lunch with her so I can still jet over to Ray's office and have time to get back for my afternoon patients.

“I should be free around that time. What did you have in mind?”

“Let's meet at the Lotus on Chestnut Street, let's say, around one. We could have a nice light lunch and chat. We have a lot of catching up to do.”

We exchange numbers, and I hurry back to the office to get my morning started.

I zip through patient after patient, letting my staff know to transfer a few of my patients to the other resident doctor so I can take a late lunch. By twelve I am done, out the door, and sitting at the Lotus fifteen minutes early, waiting for Nevaeh to show up. At first I thought this was a setup, but when I see her walking into the restaurant ten minutes later, I know I made the right choice by showing up.

“Hey, Midori,” she says as we embrace, and her perfume made its home in my nostrils again.

If I was the type, I would definitely bed her ass, just to get back at Jaydah, but for me it isn't that serious. I just want to know what she wants to talk about.

We place our orders for salads and hot tea, which are served to us immediately. We both take several sips from our tea and a few bites from our salad before we begin to speak.

“So, what did you want to talk to me about?” I ask as I bite down on a crouton and lick the dressing from my fork.

Her eyes follow the sensual movement of my tongue, and I pretend like I don't notice, as I tease her with what she could possibly have.

“Jaydah was telling me that you and Ray were going through it, but she wouldn't say exactly why. Was it about her?”

I am surprised at just how bluntly she posed her question, as if she was simply asking me about the weather or where I got my shoes. I decide to tread lightly because this feels like a setup, and if I know Jaydah at all, I know she wouldn't have spoken about us to any woman. Nevaeh was jealous, and she came here to puff her chest out and let me know that she possibly has won. Little does she know that if indeed she does get Jaydah, it would be because I handed her over, not because she took her from me.

“No. Why would you ask that?”

“I was just wondering. Jaydah is so fidgety around you, and if past experience serves me correctly, that means she has a thing for you.”

“Well, I'm flattered that you think so, but Jaydah and I are just acquaintances. There's nothing there that I could think of, and besides all that, I'm married,” I say, flashing my ring, which set Ray back a several thousand dollars.

“I know enough to know that a ring doesn't mean shit, but I totally understand. Please excuse me, though. I was simply inquiring.”

“Hey, there's no love lost, especially since I didn't know you and Jaydah were an item, but do tell her I said hello.”

“I certainly will. As a matter of fact I'm on my way there now. My pussy has been throbbing all day, and we both know she's good at fixing little problems like that.”

I don't even bother to respond; I just simply enjoy the rest of my salad, while my silence seems to eat at Nevaeh's nerves. I know she wants me to wild out and act a fool, but you got to wake up a little earlier in the morning to get me pumped.

As she gathers her belongings and gets herself together to walk out, I wish her a wonderful day and blow her a kiss, causing her cheeks to turn beet red.

“Hey, don't forget to tell Jaydah I said hello. Better yet, have her call me.”

That was the highlight of my day as she turned and stormed out of the restaurant, almost tripping out the door. I swear, I crack myself up.

Finishing the rest of my tea, I take my time to get myself together and mentally prepared for what could possibly go down at Ray's office. I'd hate to have to resort to my old ways when I was a young girl from the bottom of West Philly ready to knock a bitch dead in her face. I'd like to think that I am grown and sexy and could handle a situation better than that, but if I walk into that office and Barbara is still there, there's going to be trouble—trouble, said in my best Dollar Bill voice, à la Bernie Mac from
The Player's Club
.

I pay the bill, leaving the waitress a hefty tip because I like the shape of her lips. I think to get her number, but know that it is this kind of behavior that got me in trouble in the first place. Once settled in my Vanquish S, I ease into traffic and head uptown. Hopefully I won't have to act a fool, but we will soon see.