My Little Secret (8 page)

 

I have to get over her. Damn, I hate feeling like this. I swore, after Nevaeh, I would never get involved with another woman. Not only did I do that, but this one is married. The hard part is I really care about her. I mean, it's been over two years. She's been with me since my first novel, and we've been through so much. Not that it's all been peaches and cream, because we have definitely been through shit, especially when it comes to Ray, but at the end of the day is it worth my sanity?

I miss her already, and I know I won't be able to just let her go, but I have to start somewhere. I try to act like I'm not hooked, but it's two o'clock in the damn morning and I'm laying here in the dark, trying not to pick up my phone and call her. Okay, I'll admit that I did call her crib once, but her housekeeper answered the phone and told me she wasn't there.

Against my better judgment, I call her cell phone, hoping she won't answer. Maybe then I'll be able to move past these emotions and go to sleep. I start to just hang up, but then she'll call back and I really don't know what to say. The phone rings four times. Just when I am going to hang up, I hear her voice on the other end of the phone line, and I know at that moment it is too late.

“Jaydah, I knew you would call.”

At first I am speechless. I had to hear her voice, but a part of me doesn't want to. What am I supposed to say?
“I know you're married, but I have needs too?”
How selfish is that? I don't have any business fooling around with her anyway, so what does that make me? Yet, I can't walk away. I can't . . .

“We need to talk,” I speak into the phone, my voice not sounding like my own to my ears.

“I know, and I'm sorry for everything.”

“What happened with us, Midori? I mean, I knew it wouldn't last a lifetime, but does it have to be over this soon?” I find myself close to tears and I hate myself for that.

“Life happened, and it got out of control for both of us. Why can't we go back to how things used to be?”

“Because we're different people now. I can't keep playing second. Where does it leave me?”

We both get quiet, deep in our own thoughts, afraid to really say anything. I go back to how it used to be back in the day when we would hop a plane without hesitation and be laid up on somebody's island somewhere doing whatever. I remember those times when we would go to my book signings and she would pass out bookmarks for me, bringing people over to my table to get an autographed copy of the latest Jaydah B. novel.

I would also go to seminars with her, and I would be so proud as I smiled brightly in the back of the room, saying her speech with her line for line because we'd practiced so much, I'd memorized it in the process. Before all the lies and bullshit came into play.

“Jaydah, you know I love you, and I would never hurt you purposely,” Midori says, practically in a whisper.

My head won't let me say it back, although my heart feels the exact same way. “I know you do, but what do we do now?”

“We start over,” she says between sniffles. “We start fresh, and take it from there. That's all we can do.”

“And what do we do about Ray?” I ask, curious to see if she is sincere or not.

“He is my husband, Jaydah. I took vows and everything. What can I—”

“Let's just work on us. We'll figure that out later.”

We both get quiet again. There are so many things I want to ask her. Like, why did she lie to me about her birthday, for one? Who does that? As a teenager I may have lied about my age, but never the day I was born. That was a good one that I'd have to use in a book one day.

“I called your house earlier. Your housekeeper said you weren't there.”

“I'm not. I got a hotel room by the airport.”

“For what? Why didn't you go home?” Midori is wilding out. I didn't think it was that serious.

“I don't feel like dealing with Ray right now. I just up and left Belize and came home. He didn't even know I was leaving. I found a nude picture of his office manager in his wallet that was taken on his birthday last year, so I left him the picture with a note on the desk and rolled out. I came straight to you from the airport.”

I am speechless once again, which isn't normal for me. I knew Ray was a dog and stepped out, but on the flip side of that, she's been stepping out with me for years. I guess the determining factor would be who dipped out first, but at which point does it matter?

“Which hotel are you at?” I ask, turning on the bedroom light so I can find something to slip into right quick.

“Extended Stay off of—”

“I know where it is. What's your room number? I'm on my way.”

After getting her information, I hop into my whip and make it to the hotel in record time. What I like about Extended Stay is that each room has a separate door, unlike most chain hotels where you have to enter into a lobby. The rooms actually resemble moderate-sized efficiency apartments equipped with a small kitchen and necessities that you need for an “extended stay.”

Midori answers the door in a sexy red thong with matching bra similar to the one I have on. We share a long hug once the door is closed, and at that moment I know I have to keep her around.

Backing her curvy body up to the bed, we collapse in a heated embrace, neither of us wanting to be the first to let go. With skilled fingers, I unsnap her bra and release her firm breasts into my hands, caressing them appreciatively. Rolling her hardened nipples between my thumb and forefinger produces a long moan between kisses that could go on forever.

Taking the liberty of standing her up and exploring her body, I run my hand across her smooth stomach, everything feeling strange, yet oddly familiar at the same time. Using my fingertips, I expertly reach under the fabric of her thong to find her cut low, the way I like it. When I spread her lips with my thumb and forefinger, her clit practically jumps up at me, producing a quick smile from my own lips at getting reacquainted with a familiar friend.

Removing my lips from hers, I begin kissing down the front of her body, purposely ignoring her breasts because I know she hates when I do that. Instead of allowing my lips to touch her nipples, I breathe warm air on them, causing them to stand at attention. I kiss around the perimeter, then trail wet kisses down her torso.

Instead of removing her thong, I pull it to the side and open her up with my free hand. She smells like peaches and tastes just as sweet, and I lap at her stickiness until she can barely stand.

On wobbly legs, she backs away from me until she reaches the bed, pulling me down on her as she lays back. I fit comfortably in the curves of her body, as if we were made to fit together, and my body feels like I'm on fire.

Her kisses slow me way down, and we enjoy the feel of each other as we intertwine our bodies around each other. Tonight it will just be us. No toys, no music, no rush . . . just the sound of us breathing and the feel of our softness on each other. Our true skills will come into play, and I'm excited about it.

Midori pushes me onto my back and takes my breasts into her hands. My walls are contracting nonstop, and I break out in a sweat from the anticipation of feeling her lips on me.

This was what I needed, but a part of me knows it has to come to an end. Am I being greedy? On second thought, so what if I am? Shit, I have time invested, and she wasn't happy at home. That is all it boils down to.

She plants soft kisses down my stomach, and I spread my legs so she can make it do what it do. Midori comes off all shy and all that, but make no mistake about it, she knows exactly what she is doing. We just had this energy that set the room on fire every time we got together, and I just couldn't get enough of it.

She circles my belly button with her tongue and warms the inside of my thighs with her hands before she takes her place between them.

My breath comes in short pants, and I am almost hyperventilating because I know what is about to happen next. She moves her face closer to my lips and I can feel her breath on my clit when she exhales. I use one hand to hold her hair back from her face, and my free hand to spread my lips so she won't have a problem fully accessing me.

Damn, I can feel her getting closer, and when it feels like her lips are finally going to make contact, her phone starts blasting “My Boo” by Usher and Alicia Keys. I don't have to look at the phone to know who it is. The entire mood changes, and I feel like maybe I shouldn't be there.

She doesn't bother to answer the phone; instead, she crawls up beside me and pulls me into her arms. “Jaydah, I need you. I know it's difficult right now, but I just need some time to figure things out.”

I don't bother to respond. I just lay my head close to hers and hold her as tightly as she holds me. I'm not sure if my whole heart is in it, though. My gut is telling me I need to run for the hills.

“Take all the time you need. I'll be here,” I respond as I close my eyes.

I have to get back in my grind, and I know being away from Midori is hard, but getting rid of Nevaeh will be even harder. I don't feel like being bothered right now, and it's time to start making some people a part of the change. The question is: Who will it be? Nevaeh or Midori?

 

I was back home Sunday night—the same night I would have been coming home from Belize with my husband, had I not discovered his secret. Not that it was really that deep of a secret, because I knew Ray was messing around. But when you have solid evidence right in your face, it speaks volumes. That shit hurt, and even though I didn't have room to call a kettle black, I still had feelings.

The housekeeper took the liberty of unpacking my suitcases when I'd dropped them off days ago, and I am sitting on the bed, deciding if I am going to pack another bag for a few more days at the hotel or if I am just going to go ahead and face my husband and get it over with.

So many thoughts flow through my head. I'm trying to figure out if indeed we are really together for love, or is it just for convenience? Do our hearts beat on the same rhythm, or are we merely two strangers passing? Do I love my husband? Does he love me? Are we in love with each other? This is too much going on at one time, and I really don't want to deal with it right now.

I don't feel like dealing with Jaydah either. Am I making things bad on her as well?

Fed up, I decide to go back to the hotel, since I hadn't bothered to check out anyway, just in case things didn't work out at home and I needed to go back. I call my assistant at the office to let her know I will be in the office on Tuesday. I need to take one more day off to get my living situation together.

I know what I have to do, but I can't get up to do it. I'm tired of everything, and my heart won't allow me to get up and pack a bag. I remember lying back on the bed, but somehow I end up falling asleep. It isn't until I hear the front door open that I know I fucked up.

Instead of jumping up, I curl up in the bed and pretend like I am still asleep. I am suddenly glad that I hadn't started packing a bag because then I would have to explain myself and I don't feel like it.

When Ray gets up to the room, I can sense him standing in the doorway, staring at me, but I refuse to budge. I don't want to be the first one to speak because him being here pisses me off all over again. How could he cheat on me with that old bitch? At least, let it have been some real competition.

The weight of his body sitting on the bed makes me open my eyes and look at him. I'm sure my eyes are bloodshot from me just waking up, but the scowl on my face says everything. I'm heated, and in keeping it real, I don't really want to talk about it.

He, on the other hand, looks remorseful, but I don't trust it. He decided to spend his birthday with his mistress. That is not acceptable. I lied to my mistress so I could stay true to him, and he forgot the rules. How fair is that?

“Midori, I've been calling you all weekend. Why did you leave like that? Why didn't you answer my calls? I left you a ton of messages.”

Ray speaks to me in an almost accusing tone that I'm not in the mood for. How the hell does he think he has the audacity to question me and he was the one caught cheating?

“Answer your call for what? So you can tell me more lies?” I come back in an even tone that lets him know I am not going for that shit.

He has a lot of damn nerve, trying to pop fly. He had a picture of a naked woman that I knew in his wallet. It's not like she was some random chick. I could identify her and had seen her on too many occasions. I was forced to break bread with her, and she always gave me a fake-ass smile, like she knew she had one up on me, and in reality she always did. I can't handle it, and honestly don't want anything to do with this sick triangle we are caught in. The only reason she was able to keep her job all of these years was because she is screwing my husband. And her husband and mine were best friends. What kind of shit is that?

“Look, Midori, I don't want to argue with you.”

“Then don't!”

He looks defeated when I get out of the bed and go into the connecting bathroom to wash my face.

I should have stayed where the hell I was at because I really wasn't ready to deal with this just yet. It's too fresh. I can still see her naked body, and a part of me hated on her a little bit. Not that I wasn't on top of my game, but for her to look as old as she did, her body is gorgeous. At the same time, when you have a plastic surgeon as a husband, you can look as young as you feel whenever you're ready.

“Midori, can we please talk like rational adults? Let me at least explain myself,” Ray pleads from the bathroom door as I scrub my face with Neutrogena facial cleanser.

I guess he takes my silence for an okay, and I decide to let him talk while I floss and brush my teeth. At least if I feel forced to talk, I wouldn't be able to with a mouth full of toothpaste.

He gave me the watered-down version of the love affair he had with Barbara that started a few years ago. Apparently her husband is a whore, and she decided to return the favor. At the time I was just building my practice, and along the way I met Jaydah and wasn't really home much. When I decided I needed to spend more time with him, he was already feeling pushed away and was occupying his time with his mistress, so he didn't want to spend time with me. In the midst of it all, we were running circles around each other and running away from the thing that we wanted the most.

“Midori, I want to make it work. I want a family, and I want to be with you. Maybe we can start from the beginning,” Ray says to me in a tear-filled voice that has me choked up on the inside, but I refuse to show how I really feel until I get some things straightened out with him.

“Do you think it's that easy, Ray? Do you think you can just come in here and offer me a thought-out apology that you've probably been practicing on the way home, and everything would go back to normal?” I ask him after I finished gargling. Men, I swear, I hate them, always trying to flip shit like they don't do any wrong.

“My apology wasn't thought-out, Midori,” he says in a frustrated voice, like he can't believe I am acting the way I am.

Oh, well. You get what you put out there.

“Ray, you've been fucking your head nurse, you have the picture in your wallet to prove it, and you want me to forgive you? Does that sound logical to you?”

“Not when you put it that way, but that was a long time ago.”

“It was on your birthday, just a few months ago. I would've never done that to you.”

I brush past him on my way out of the bathroom and decide to prepare myself for bed, feeling a little guilty because I have been doing just that for the last few years. I have things I need to do tomorrow, since I decided to take the day off, and I hope one of those things won't include having to find an apartment. Of course, Ray is on my ass, so I have to pretend like he isn't in the room.

Turning my back to him and facing the dresser mirror, I pull my shirt and my bra over my head in one swoop, tossing them into the clothes hamper that I keep next to my dresser. I sift through my pajama drawer, quickly finding the multi-colored sleep shirt Ray absolutely hates. I wear it every time we are mad at each other, so he wouldn't try to touch me during the night. Bending over, I pull off my pants, forgetting that I had on a thong underneath.

Catching Ray's reflection through the mirror, I turn my head the other way to avoid his gaze as I select a lotion from the dresser to moisturize my skin before putting my nightclothes on. I can still feel him watching me as I run my hands across my skin. I snatch my nightshirt off the dresser and slip into it, taking time to put everything on my dresser back in its place.

When I chance a glance back in the mirror, Ray was standing behind me, trying to make eye contact. I don't respond. We just watch each other in the mirror, until he breaks the silence between us.

I am almost certain that my ugly sleepwear would serve as protection for me, but Ray doesn't seem fazed by it at all. Instead he presses his body up against mine and wraps his arms around me from behind in a loving embrace that shocks me at first.

I turn my face away because I'm not ready to forgive him. I'm not ready to feel what I'm feeling, because since the first time I found out he was stepping out on me, I've been determined to never feel that pain again. I blocked it out. I removed him from my heart, and I let Jaydah in . . . or so I thought. Now, I'm not so sure.

“Midori, look at me, please,” he says to me, gently turning my face toward the mirror.

I don't know where the tears come from, but it's like a waterfall is in my head spilling from my eyes and dripping from my eyelashes. I don't want to forgive him, but . . .

“Ray, I can't do this anymore.”

He is silent, tears streaking his face, causing the sadness in his eyes to look identical to mine. I'm not sure if his tears are because he can't have Barbara anymore and he is stuck with me, or if he feels like he is truly in danger of losing me. My heart won't let me ask.

“I need you. I need us to work. Please, can you give us a chance? I know what I did was wrong, I know. Please, just let me explain.”

I turn from the mirror to look him dead in his face, and I know instantly I am making a mistake. This is the kind of shit people do in the movies when they know they should leave, but they don't, and you find yourself hollering at the screen saying how stupid they are. I am that stupid woman at this moment, but I did take vows for better or for worse. I guess this is one of those “worse” times.

“Okay, let's talk. Tell me everything.”

I know I'm putting my life on the line and that I have a way out and didn't take it. I know that if this were a movie everyone would be calling me stupid right now, but I don't care. It's about my happiness, and I am happy with my husband, aren't I? Jaydah was just a quick fix, right?

As we snuggle up in the bed, I lie in his arms and listen to the story he fabricates. I don't believe any of it, but my heart won't let me say a word. Fake it till you make it. Those are the words to live by. I'm just not sure how long I'll be able to.