My Heart for Yours (21 page)

“
I gotta go.”

And then I do. I spin away from the fire and our friends, get in Mom’s car, and just drive away.

I drive around for more than an hour. Maybe two. I text Weston to tell him I’m safe. I don’t dare talk to Mom or Dad. I may be eighteen. I may be graduated. But there’s no mistaking I’m still in their mercy.

I can’t believe that Tobin didn’t see how obvious it was. How he was gone long before I was. Maybe he’s starting to understand how it felt to be slowing losing him as my parents packed up our old life for our new.

***

“
Let’s just ease some of the pressure off both of us, Delia,” Tobin said.

“
What do you mean?” I asked my heart starting to pound. I only had three weeks left in town before our family moved.

“
I mean it’s hard on both of us with your dad breathing down our necks. Let’s just lay low for a while and think. We’ll figure it out.” But the look in his eyes wasn’t anything that resembled reassuring. It scared the hell out of me.

What else was I supposed to do but let him go? It was obvious that he didn’t want the baby, the responsibility,
or
me. And right then, the tiniest part of me wondered if my dad hadn’t been right about Tobin after all. Even though I knew better. It was still Tobin who had pulled away first.

DESTINY

One for one?

Or a million for one?

Maybe two

Two lives

Two futures

Two choices

Just waiting

For a decision to be made

Like puzzle pieces

We fit

Filling holes

Making pictures

Making art

Making love

Or we don’t.

Twenty-One
Delia

I’m fairly sure that I’ve been crying for most of my drive, and when I stop in front of the house, I just sit in the car, wondering if I’m ready to go in.

My face is red, swollen, and my eyes are bloodshot. I’m a mess, but there’s no prolonging the inevitable so I step out of the car, dreading what I’m about to do. I slide inside silently, and make my way to the living room where I hear voices.

“
What happened?” Weston jumps up as I come into view.

Mom looks at me over her glass, with a raised eyebrow, and Dad follows Weston’s lead and is now standing.

“
Can I talk to you?” I ignore my father in favor of Weston, and lean my body toward the front door, hoping he’ll follow.

He nods, takes my hand, and leads me outside, but there’s something heavy between us that’s never been there before.

I know what I have to do. Even though I don’t get Tobin, don’t even know if I can be
around
Tobin, Weston isn’t it for me. It’s horrible doing this to him, but he just isn’t, and I’ve driven around and thought about it enough to know that I can’t force him to be right for me. And I can’t force myself to love him in the way that would make him right for me.

I lead him onto the front porch, and he closes the door quietly behind us. He’s wary. I’m wary. I want to erase everything wrong with this situation, but I can’t.

“
Are you okay?” He steps toward me with his hand out, probably poised to pull me into him, to try to mend the sadness. But I don’t think Weston’s hands are capable of that anymore. Not in the way he’d want them to be.

“
Weston, I—”

“
Don’t say it, Delia.” He shakes his head, practically pleading with me.

“
I’m going to.” I have to.

“
For him?” He lowers his head, but at least he doesn’t say
him
the way I know Dad would.

I shake my head. “No. Not for him.” Not even because of him, really. Because whether Tobin and I are together or not—and after today the chances are slim. “I just don’t love you the way I should. It was okay when we were first dating, but it’s not okay to keep being together. Not like this.”

“
So, it
is
because of him.” Weston backs up a step, his eyes uncertain.

I close my eyes, wishing there was a way to make him understand. “One day you’re going to meet a woman who sees everything wonderful about you and everything you hate about you, and make it all okay. And then you’ll see why we didn’t stay together.”

He pulls in a few breaths and stares at the porch under our feet.

The silence is killing me. I’d rather him call me a whore and run away. Instead he steps closer and takes my hands in his. And now I’m crying again, because I do like this. Him. But I know it’s not it. And it’s not even that I’m looking for someone to be married to, it’s that I know I will never marry Weston, and he wants to move that way. It isn’t fair.

“
I already did, Delia.”

My chest drops.

He pulls me close enough to kiss my cheek, and then without another word he spins around and heads inside.

I hate him a little for not fighting with me. For me. But the same thing also brings relief.

I slump against the side of the house. I’m just a destroyer I guess. A selfish destroyer. I don’t mean to be. I definitely don’t
want
to be. How could Weston feel that way about me? I’ve felt close to him, but not
that
close. Maybe it’s just that what we had was the closest he’d ever been to someone.

I want to be as strong as the wall I’m leaning against. Actually, I’d go for anyone stronger than me right now. But I did just let Weston go—one part of my safety net. What else do I need to do? And how many people will I hurt or make angry to get me what I want? No. What I need.

Needing out of my dress, I decide to brave inside.

“
Delia!” Dad yells. “Where have you been? We had
reservations
! You are not to blow off your family like that.”

“
Dad.” My voice is soft. I don’t have anything else in me right now. “One of my close friends was buried today.”

I stare at him and plead for him to understand. But I can see that he doesn’t.

“
We went to dinner without you. Weston had to cover for you.” His brows come up, and his lurking form sends my insides shaking.

I ignore him. And just before I start for upstairs, Weston’s walking down. With his suitcase.

“
What’s going on, son?” Dad asks. His tone in addressing Weston is all kind politeness. Or maybe it’s just politic settling in.

Weston glances briefly my direction before resting his eyes on Dad. “I have that thing in Baton Rouge tomorrow with my dad, and Tennessee a few days after, so…”

Dad’s jaw tightens as his eyes go between us. “Guess I’ll see you there.”

“
I’ll walk you out.” I turn to the door.

Neither Weston nor Dad says anything. Walking through the room is like moving through syrup. Weston opens the door for me like always, and I step into the pools of light in the driveway.

I feel Dad watching us as the door closes behind Weston who steps around me and almost breaks into a run getting to his car.

“
Weston?”

“
Don’t.” Weston turns to face me before jerking open the back door of his car, throwing his suitcase inside and slamming it shut.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen Weston feel so much—or maybe it’s that I’ve never seen him
show
what he feels so much.

“
I’m sorry, I—” I almost step toward him, but to do what?

Weston keeps his voice quiet. “Don’t give me any bullshit line about it not being about him, Delia. I’m not stupid. A few days ago when you left town, you clutched onto me like your life depended on it. About like you held him today. Right in front of me. Don’t feed me anymore bullshit and I’ll keep my mouth shut about what happened between us.”

Before I can make a snide remark about life not being about a series of appearances, he’s slammed the door and pulled out. Maybe I do want the nice guy he was on the porch.

I just need more space. Somewhere I can breathe.

“
Delia. What the hell is going on?” Dad’s voice booms out behind me.

“
He told you, Daddy.” I turn and put on my best sweet smile. “He had to go.”

In a move I don’t think I’ve ever done before, I push my way around Dad and head for the stairs. Instead of making everything better, I’ve made it all worse.

Tobin and I are in a fight—or a continuation of the year-old fight. Though, it all had to come out at some point if we’re going to see each other. Weston’s pissed at me, and Dad’s anger is brewing downstairs. If he doesn’t have it out with me tonight, tomorrow’s really going to suck.

I suddenly feel this urgency to fix it.
All of it.
I can’t be with Weston, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t know how he helped me, how important he was. How he was my friend when I needed one, and my support in the whole new world Dad dragged me into.

And I’ll also need to talk to Dad, but I don’t even know how to start that, yet.

But Tobin. That’s something I might be able to fix. Or maybe it’s just the thing I’m most desperate to fix. We might not be together, but I can’t take it if we’re not friends. I can’t be okay if Tobin isn’t in my life
somehow
.

I loved him so much. Love him. There’s no way I can tell myself it’s not still there—it’s just that there’s this huge mess in the way. Like all the power behind how I felt for him changed when he hurt me, made me mad, and now, being around him again, it’s changing back.

A shiver runs through me as I think about the night at the cabin. THE night at the cabin. The first of many. The first where we…My cheeks heat up at the thought of it. Of him.

***

I stood backwards on the ladder and he came up a step so our feet were on the same rung, still underwater. He looked down at me with his deep brown eyes, making my heart beat like crazy.