Mr. Burke Is Berserk! (6 page)
Read Mr. Burke Is Berserk! Online
Authors: Dan Gutman
“CHANNEL 7 NEWS IS ON ITS WAY!!!”
In case you were wondering, everybody was saying that Channel 7 News was on its way.
“TV? Cameras?” shrieked Andrea. “How does my hair look?”
“EEEEEEEEK! We're going to be famous!” shrieked Emily.
Sure enough, a few minutes later a big van pulled up with
CHANNEL 7 NEWS
written on the side. And you'll never believe who got out of the van.
It was Mrs. Lilly, this reporter who helped us make a newspaper about our school!
Some guys from the news van set up the equipment, and Mrs. Lilly stood next to Mr. Burke.
“This is Mrs. Lilly, of Channel 7 News,” she said into a microphone. “I'm reporting live from Ella Mentry School, where gilverâa rare combination of gold and silverâhas been found in the playground. With me is Mr. Burke, the school grounds-keeper. You were the one who discovered the gilver, Mr. Burke. Tell me, how do you feel right now?”
“Ah feel like Ah could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence,” Mr. Burke said.
“I beg your pardon?” asked Mrs. Lilly.
“What Ah mean is, right now Ah could just about hit a bull's backside with a handful of banjos.”
“I'm sorry; I don't understand,” said Mrs. Lilly.
“All Ah'm saying is, Ah feel like Ah could bluff a buzzard off a meat wagon right now.”
“Huh?” said Mrs. Lilly. “I have no idea what you're talking about.”
“What's a matter, ma'am?” asked Mr. Burke. “Don'tcha speak English?”
Mrs. Lilly was going to ask Mr. Burke more questions, but you'll never believe in a million hundred years who came running in front of the camera at that moment.
I'm not gonna tell you.
Okay, okay, I'll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter first. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you.
Violins Are Bad for Children
It was Mayor Hubble!
He grabbed the microphone from Mrs. Lilly. His secret service agents shoved Mr. Burke away from the camera.
“I'm happy to announce,” said the mayor, “that all the gold and gilver found on school property belongs to the city. We will use it to balance the budget blah blah blah blah create new jobs blah blah blah blah fix the roads blah blah blah blah cut taxes blah blah blah blah this great country blah blah blah blah and furthermore blah blah blah blah how long is this going to go on blah blah blah blah wake me up when it's over blah blah blah blah⦔
He yammered on for about a million hundred hours. I thought I was gonna die of old age.
“In conclusion,” the mayor finally said, “vote for
me
on Election Day. Thank you.”
Mrs. Lilly and the Channel 7 guys turned off their camera, packed up their gear, and drove away.
“Okay, the show's over,” said Mayor Hubble. “Everybody go home now. I'll take care of this gilver. And all you teachers, get back to class! You should be ashamed of yourselves.”
The secret service agents started to load the bags of gold and gilver into the trunk of Mayor Hubble's limo.
The teachers were sad. They had worked really hard to dig up the gold and gilver. Now Mayor Hubble was taking it away. We wouldn't be able to fix up the school. We wouldn't be able to bring back the art and music programs. We wouldn't have any toilet paper.
Bummer in the summer! This was the worst thing to happen since TV Turnoff Week.
We all started walking back into school. That's when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. In the distance, at the other end of the playground, a tall, mysterious stranger appeared. He was walking toward us in slow motion.
And he was bald.
It was Mr. Klutz!
“Mr. Klutz!”
“Mr. Klutz!!”
“MR. KLUTZ!!!”
In case you were wondering, everybody was shouting “Mr. Klutz.” He stopped about twenty feet from Mayor Hubble.
“Klutz!” said the mayor. “What in blazes are
you
doing here?”
“They let me out of principal camp early,” said Mr. Klutz. “The jig is up, Mayor. Give us back that gold and gilver. It doesn't belong to you.”
“Who's gonna
make
me?” the mayor asked.
“Ooooooooooooooooo!”
everybody said.
“Ah reckon Ah am,” said Mr. Klutz. “Because yer gettin' too big fer yer britches.”
“Ooooooooooooooooo!”
“Smile when you say that,” said the mayor.
Mayor Hubble looked at Mr. Klutz. Mr. Klutz looked at Mayor Hubble. All the kids and teachers were looking at Mr. Klutz and Mayor Hubble. Nobody was saying anything. A tumbleweed rolled by.
“That gilver belongs to mah teachers and mah school,” said Mr. Klutz. “Ah reckon you're tryin' to steal it and keep it for yourself.”
“Yer lyin' like a rug, Klutz,” said Mayor Hubble.
“And yer so crooked, you could swallow nails and spit out corkscrews,” said Mr. Klutz. “Just give back the gilver and nobody gets hurt.”
“Nothin' doin',” said the mayor. “Ah'm afraid this playground ain't big enough fer the both of us, Klutz.”
“Ooooooooooooooooo!”
“Then Ah'm gonna have to give you a whuppin' you'll never forget, Mayor,” said Mr. Klutz, “'cause you're a bad egg.”
“Ooooooooooooooooo!”
“Ah'm gonna kick your butt so hard, they're gonna need a team of surgeons to remove mah boot!” said Mayor Hubble.
*
“Ooooooooooooooooo!”
Mr. Klutz and Mayor Hubble were
really
mad. They started walking toward each other in slow motion. It looked like they were about to fight.
But you'll never believe who ran out and stood between them.
It was Andrea Young! Little Miss Perfect! The Human Homework Machine!
“Stop!” Andrea shouted, holding up her hands. “There's no need to resort to violence.”
“Why is everybody always talking about violins?” I asked. “Are they going to fight with musical instruments? They should fight with tubas.
*
That would be cool.”
“Not âviolins'!” everybody shouted at me. “âViolence!'”
“Oh,” I said. “Why didn't you say so?”
Suddenly, Mr. Burke pushed his way to the front of the crowd.
“The little lady is right,” he said. “Ah say we settle this the old-fashioned way: with a duel.”
“A duel!”
“A duel!!”
“A DUEL!!!”
In case you were wondering, everybody was saying “A duel.”
“Guns are violent, Mr. Burke,” said Andrea.
“Ah ain't talkin' 'bout a duel with guns,” said Mr. Burke. “Ah'm talkin' 'bout a
modern
duel ⦠with cell phones!”
The Duel
Mr. Burke explained the rules of the duel to everybody. The mayor and Mr. Klutz would each write their cell phone number on a piece of paper and swap the papers. Then they would stand back-to-back. They would each walk ten paces forward. Then they would turn around, grab their cell phones, and dial each other's number as fast as possible. Whichever cell phone rang first would be the loser. The other one would get to keep all the gold and gilver.
“It's a deal,” said Mayor Hubble.
“Deal,” said Mr. Klutz. “Ah'm betting mah smartphone is smarter than yer smartphone.”
“Ah'm warnin' ya,” said the mayor, “Ah'm purty quick on the dial.”
“No namby-pamby gilver rustler can out-dial me,” said Mr. Klutz.
Mr. Burke told Mr. Klutz and Mayor Hubble to stand back-to-back.
“Look, their butts are touching!” I whispered.
“Quiet, Arlo!” shouted Andrea.
“Ready ⦠set⦠GO!” said Mr. Burke.
Mr. Klutz and Mayor Hubble started pacing away from each other.
1 ⦠2 ⦠3 ⦠4 ⦠5 ⦠6 ⦠7 ⦠8 ⦠9 ⦠10.
Then they both spun around.
“Fill yer hand, ya yellow-bellied phone slinger!” shouted Mr. Klutz.