Mr. Burke Is Berserk!
Read Mr. Burke Is Berserk! Online
Authors: Dan Gutman
To Emma
 Â
1. The Big Race
 Â
3. The
T
Word
 Â
7. Gold Fever
 Â
8. Gilver
 Â
9. The Gold Rush
10. Violins Are Bad for Children
The Big Race
My name is A.J. and I hate ice cream.
Actually, that's not true. I
love
ice cream. In fact, it's one of my favorite things in the world. I was just pulling your leg there.
No, I wasn't doing that either. If I was pulling your leg, I would actually be taking your leg and
pulling
on it. Why would anybody want to pull on a leg? That's a weird thing to do.
*
Speaking of weird things, last week the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. When I got to school, our groundskeeper, Mr. Burke, was sitting out in the playground on a riding lawn mower.
Well, that's not the weird part, because Mr. Burke sits on a riding lawn mower all the time. The weird part was that right next to him was our principal, Mr. Klutz. He was sitting on
another
lawn mower.
All the kids gathered around to see what was going on. I went over to my friends Ryan, Michael, Neil, and Alexia.
“What's going on?” I asked.
“Mr. Klutz and Mr. Burke are going to have a lawn mower race,” said Michael, who never ties his shoes.
“The first one to reach the monkey bars wins,” said Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn't food.
“Lawn mower races
rock
,” said Alexia, who is a girl but is cool anyway.
“The loser has to pay the winner a dollar,” said Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes.
Mr. Klutz and Mr. Burke revved the motors of their lawn mowers and glared at each other.
“Get ready to
lose
, pardner!” shouted Mr. Burke. “Ah reckon Ah'm a-gonna give you a whuppin' you'll never forget.”
He talks funny. He had a toothpick in his mouth, too. What's up with that?
“Kiss my grass!” yelled Mr. Klutz. “You're going
down
, Mr. Burke!”
That's when Andrea Young, this annoying girl with curly brown hair, came over. She was with her equally annoying cry-baby friend Emily.
“Hi, Arlo!” said Andrea. She calls me by my real name because she knows I don't like it.
I didn't say hello to Andrea because I knew the guys would start teasing me and saying I was in love with her.
“They shouldn't have dangerous races and gamble on school property,” Andrea told us. “It sets a bad example for children.”
“I agree,” said Emily, who agrees with everything Andrea says.
“Can you possibly be more boring?” asked Alexia.
Andrea stuck out her tongue at Alexia. Alexia stuck out her tongue at Andrea. Emily stuck out her tongue at Alexia. Alexia stuck out her tongue at Emily.
Whenever somebody says something mean to you, always stick out your tongue at them. That's the first rule of being a kid.
“I'm not boring,” Andrea said. “I just don't like violence.”
“What do you have against violins?” I asked.
Everybody laughed even though I didn't say anything funny.
“Not violins, Arlo!” Andrea said, rolling her eyes. “Violence!”
Oh. Why can't a truckload of violins fall on Andrea's head?
Our gym teacher, Miss Small, came running out in front of the lawn mowers. She was carrying a big flag.
“On your mark,” she yelled, “get set⦠GO!”
She waved the flag. Mr. Klutz and Mr. Burke took off.
*
A Seesaw Battle
The lawn mower race was hilarious, because lawn mowers go
really
slow. I mean, I can
walk
faster than those things. It was like watching a turtle race. But it was still exciting, and everybody was yelling and screaming.
“Put the pedal to the metal, Mr. Klutz!”
“You can beat him, Mr. Burke!”
We all walked alongside the lawn mowers so we could see who was winning. First Mr. Klutz took the lead. Then Mr. Burke took the lead. Then Mr. Klutz was ahead. Then Mr. Burke was ahead.
“This is a real seesaw battle!” shouted Ryan.
“Are they going to fight on the seesaws?” I asked. “That would be
cool
!”
After about a million hundred minutes, the lawn mowers reached the other end of the playground. Mr. Burke jumped off and touched the monkey bars first.
“Yee-ha!” he shouted. “Ah'm a-grinnin' like a weasel in a henhouse.”
Mr. Klutz gave Mr. Burke a dollar. All the excitement was over, and we had to go into school to start the day. Bummer in the summer!
“Mr. Burke is weird,” I said as we walked to class.
“Remember the time he grew a corn maze on the soccer field?” asked Neil.