Mr. Burke Is Berserk! (2 page)

“Remember the time he mowed big circles in the grass and told us they were made by UFOs?” asked Michael.

“Maybe Mr. Burke isn't really a grounds-keeper at all,” I said. “Maybe he kidnapped the
real
groundskeeper and locked him in the equipment shed where he keeps the lawn mowers. Stuff like that happens all the time, you know.”

“Stop trying to scare Emily,” said Andrea.

“I'm scared!” said Emily.

“Mr. Burke probably escaped from a loony bin,” said Ryan.

“Yeah,” I said. “He probably snatches kids during recess and buries them under the monkey bars.”

“We've got to
do
something!” Emily shouted. Then she started freaking out and went running down the hallway.

Sheesh, get a grip! That girl will fall for
anything
.

The rest of us walked to class with our teacher, Mr. Granite, who is from another planet. After we put our backpacks into our cubbies and pledged the allegiance, it was time for math. But you'll never believe who poked his head into the door at that moment.

Nobody! Poking your head into a door would hurt. But you'll never believe who poked his head into the
doorway
.

It was Mr. Klutz!

“To what do we owe the pleasure of your company?” asked Mr. Granite.

That's grown-up talk for “What are
you
doing here?”

“Remember when I went to principal camp last year?” he said. “Well, I have to go again. I just wanted to say good-bye.”

“Bye!” we all said.

Principal camp sounds cool. I'll bet the principals sit around a campfire and toast marshmallows. Maybe I'll be a principal when I grow up so I can go to camp and eat toasted marshmallows.

After Mr. Klutz left, Mr. Granite went to the front of the room.

“It's time for math,” he said. “Turn to page twenty-three in your—”

But he didn't get the chance to finish his sentence, because at that moment an announcement came over the loudspeaker.

“All classes please report to the all-purpose room immediately.”

“Not
again
!” moaned Mr. Granite.

“Yay, no math!” I yelled.

We had to walk a million hundred miles to the all-purpose room. Along the way, we saw our art teacher, Ms. Hannah, and our music teacher, Mr. Loring. They were each pulling a rolling suitcase.

“Why did you bring suitcases to school?” Ryan asked them.

“We take them with us wherever we go,” said Ms. Hannah, “because you never know when you're going to get fired.”

“We like to be ready,” added Mr. Loring.

Ms. Hannah and Mr. Loring are weird.

In the all-purpose room our class got to sit in the front row. But I had to sit next to annoying Andrea. Ugh, disgusting! I made sure not to let my elbow touch her elbow on the armrest so I wouldn't catch her girl germs.

The vice principal, Mrs. Jafee, was on the stage. She held up her hand and made a peace sign, which means “shut up.”

“I'll be in charge while Mr. Klutz is gone,” she told us. “We have a special guest who would like to speak with us today. How about a big round of applause for Mayor Hubble?”

We all clapped our hands in circles. Mayor Hubble came down the aisle with two secret service agents behind him. He was smiling, passing out buttons that said
REELECT MAYOR HUBBLE
, and shaking hands with everybody.

It would be cool to be the mayor. He's like the king of the town. My friend Billy who lives around the corner told me that Mayor Hubble has a limo, and a big throne at city hall. Guys carry the mayor around in a chair, and girls in bikinis feed him grapes.

Mayor Hubble climbed up on the stage.

“I have bad news,” he announced. “The town is broke. The government has cut off all our money, but we still have to balance the budget.”

I didn't know what he was talking about.

“Does this mean you're going to raise taxes?” asked Ms. Jafee.

“Taxes?!”

Mayor Hubble suddenly groaned, grabbed his chest, and dropped to his knees. It looked like he was gonna die.

One of his secret service agents rushed over to help the mayor. The other one leaned over to talk to Mrs. Jafee.

“Never say the
T
word in front of the mayor,” he told her.

Mayor Hubble leaned into the microphone.

“I will
not
raise taxes!” he shouted. “I'm going to
lower
taxes!”

“If we don't have enough money,” asked Mrs. Jafee, “shouldn't you raise, uh, the
T
word?”

“Read my lips,” Mayor Hubble shouted at her. “No new taxes!”

“Why do we need to read your lips?” I asked. “You're
talking
.”

“That's just an expression, Arlo,” Andrea told me, rolling her eyes.

“I don't understand,” said Mrs. Jafee. “How can we get the money to balance the budget if you don't raise … the
T
word?”

“I have an idea,” said Mrs. Roopy, our media specialist. “We could have a car wash. We could raise the money, balance the budget, and have fun all at the same time!”

“Yeah!” everybody shouted excitedly.

“No!” said Mayor Hubble.

“How about a bake sale?” asked Miss Laney, our speech teacher. “People love to buy cookies and cakes.”

“No!” said Mayor Hubble.

“A raffle?” suggested our reading specialist, Mr. Macky.

“No!” said Mayor Hubble.

“Why not just close down the school?” I suggested. “That would save money. Then we could stay home and play video games all day.”

All the kids cheered at my genius idea.

“No!” said Mayor Hubble. “There's only one way to balance the budget. I can tell you with just three little letters.”

The three little letters were
C-U-T
.

“Cuts!” Mayor Hubble shouted into the microphone. “We need to cut the amount of money we spend so we can balance the budget!”

Just saying the word “cut” seemed to make Mayor Hubble's eyes light up with excitement. He had a crazy look on his face, the kind of look that evil geniuses in the movies have when they explain how they're going to take over the world.

“The first things we're going to cut,” Mayor Hubble told us, “are the art and music programs.”

“So long,” said Ms. Hannah, taking her rolling suitcase. “I'm outta here.”

“Right behind you,” said Mr. Loring.

“But we
love
art and music!” one of the kids shouted.