Mothers and Daughters (26 page)

‘It’s not that,’ she turned to him in anguish. ‘Of course if he had affairs and sex and… as Evie reminded me sex makes babies, I’d have understood, asked Ned round to meet the girls… his half-sisters.’ She gulped on the words. ‘What hurts me so much is that Julian didn’t tell me, didn’t include his son… introduce him to us. He lived – when he was in London – close by and yet we never had an inkling about his existence. Why was that? Was he ashamed of him, ashamed of us?’

‘Of course not.’ He clutched the steering wheel, his feelings in turmoil, not wanting such a conversation now when they were driving. ‘Julian was hardly a saint, he made mistakes like the rest of us and, for what it’s worth, I think he made a mistake not to tell you, but for whatever reason, he didn’t. Look, Alice, can we stop somewhere, talk about this quietly?’

‘No, I just want to get home, please Frank. I’m sorry… the flight was wonderful, I’ll never forget it and I’m sorry it ended this way.’

He was chilled by her words; did she mean she didn’t want to see him again? Banish the ‘messenger’ of such news. But he’d promised to be at Laura’s wedding to take Julian’s place. He was doing too much for Julian, he thought now sorting out the mayhem he’d left behind, which had ruined Alice’s opinion of him.

‘As you wish, Alice, but please don’t blame me for it; you can blame me for telling you about it, but not for what happened.’

He’d been in love with her so long, though when she’d asked him to come and give Laura away, he’d convinced himself that time would have changed her and that his love for her would have died a natural death. Besides, hadn’t he often thought that there were too many complications between him and Julian for them to have a life together? But when he’d seen her again, his feelings for her were as strong as ever and he kidded himself that the secrets that bound him to Julian were in the past and now she was alone they might have a chance to be happy together.

He struggled to bank down his fury; Julian knew that he loved Alice. He’d even asked him if that was why he’d upped sticks and gone to live in France to put some space between them. He’d been rather vague with his answer and to his relief they’d been interrupted before the conversation got too deep.

Had Julian set up these hurdles knowing that he would find them too much of a barrier to nurture a love between them when he’d gone? He’d known for years that his heart condition would kill him early and he was older than he was, had he, could he, knowing them both so well, stymied any hope of them coming together?

No, Frank scolded himself for thinking such a thing. He was overwrought with the ruination of the day and Alice’s pain, Julian would never think like that, would he?

Alice stared out of the window at the passing scenery as she and Frank drove back to London. She felt disorientated, as if she didn’t know herself, the person she once was, the wife, now widow of such a man. She wondered if Cecily had known about Julian’s past life too, kept them from her all these years? Alice had been young, barely twenty-one when she’d married Julian, but not so young as not to have understood about Ned, accepted that Julian had had a liaison that resulted in a child before he’d even known her.

Who was he really, this man she’d loved and married? He felt now like a stranger. Had she conjured up the kind and caring man who’d professed to love her? But he had loved her, she told herself, surely he had, for how could he have kept up the act for so long? And he loved his daughters there was no doubt of that. But why had be not shared this part of his life with her, did he not trust her, respect her enough to do so? Surely he loved his son too, but if so why hadn’t he told them about him, included him in the family, especially as he’d been here in London from time to time, living so close to them?

They drove in silence most of the way back, both of them reluctant to speak in case more disclosures would reveal themselves. Frank dropped her off home and as he stopped the car she tried to apologize for her mood, conscious that he was unhappy, disappointed in how the day he’d taken so much trouble to plan had ended. She wished now she hadn’t mentioned seeing Ned, had stayed in blissful ignorance about Julian’s past. For whatever reason he hadn’t wanted her to know or he would have told her.

‘The paragliding was wonderful, Frank,’ she said, ‘I’ll never forget the experience of floating together in the sky, it was every bit as wonderful, more so in fact, than I imagined. Thank you so much.’

‘Shall I come in with you or is Laura there?’ he asked, turning to her a moment, his face stern as he struggled with his emotions, dashing any hopes she had of feeling easy with him again.

‘No… thank you.’ She opened the car door, she wanted to be alone to try and make some sense of it.

‘Please ring if you need me, Again, I’m sorry I had to be the one to tell you all these things, but it’s better out in the open and I hope you come to terms with it.’ He said, inwardly cursing Julian.

‘I’ll be fine, goodbye and thank you for the paragliding, I loved it I really did.’ She got out quickly and shut the door, almost slamming it in her anguish. She couldn’t bear to hear another word, have Frank floundering on, making excuses for Julian adding more insecurity to her muddled thoughts.

Frank was out of the car too and came and stood beside her and she had to almost touch him as she made for her front door. She struggled with a sudden wish for him to hold her, comfort her, and take away the chill of Julian’s betrayal.

She had her door key in her hand and she passed him quickly and went and unlocked the door, the whine of the alarm picking up. ‘Goodbye,’ she said, scooting in and turning off the alarm before shutting the door. She leant against it, listening to Frank slamming his car door and the throb of the engine as he started up the car and roared away down the street, leaving an overwhelming sense of loss. Not only Frank’s loss but Julian’s too, the very memory that she still clung to was flawed.

She passed a miserable night and the next morning she took the bus to see Cecily. She’d telephoned first, knowing how she often played bridge with friends or could even be out on some expedition with Kalinda, but she was there and Alice craved her advice and comfort.

‘My dear, whatever has happened, you look dreadful?’ Cecily greeted her from her usual place on the sofa, the day’s newspapers strewn over the cushions. She pushed them on the floor, patted the place bedside her, ‘Sit down, nothing’s happened to the girls or that baby has it?’

Alice shook her head, struggling with her tears.

‘Here’s Kalinda with some coffee for us,’ Cecily said, smiling at Kalinda. ‘Thank you, we might need a nip of brandy in it if we have to face bad news.’ She touched Alice’s arm in sympathy.

‘No, not unless you want some,’ Alice said, ashamed now of dashing round here as though the world had ended, though for her, in a way, it had.

‘It depends what you’re going to tell me,’ Cecily said. ‘We better have it in case, please Kalinda.’

Kalinda fetched the bottle from the drinks tray that stood by the window. ‘There you are, call if you need anything.’ She patted Alice on the shoulder as she left. She too understood suffering, and again Alice felt ashamed, she’d had a happy life compared to them.

‘You’re the only person I can talk to about it, Cecily,’ she started. ‘You might know all about it but it came as a terrible shock to me. I went paragliding with Frank yesterday, it was wonderful but then we landed and had a little time to wait for the truck to pick us up, I told him I’d seen a man that looked just like Julian, a young Julian, coming out of his block of flats and he told me…’ she dashed the tears from her eyes, ‘he was Julian’s son.’ She watched Cecily carefully but she looked as shocked as she’d been.

‘His
son
? You don’t mean godson?’

‘No son. He had a son with Frank and Henry’s sister, Sarah. After Henry died, she went to America to study and she didn’t realize she was pregnant for some weeks, and by then she was in love with someone else whom she married.’ She went on to tell Cecily about Julian’s part in Henry’s death.

‘I guessed that,’ Cecily said. ‘He never said anything to me about it and I didn’t ask, but I saw how much he suffered over it. I’d seen that situation in the war. So many beautiful, strong young men came back with appalling injuries and not a lot could be done for them. Julian told me Henry died, but that was all and all I expected to hear. Some things should remain private between those concerned, and it is not for us to judge.’

‘I know and it’s not that I judge him for but for having a son, a half-brother to the girls, that he kept secret from us. It happened before I knew him, but still, he had a son. Did you know anything about it, Cecily?’

‘No, we were close but he didn’t tell me everything. Anyway, at that time, I was travelling and working and we didn’t see much of each other. When did he find out?’

‘Soon enough, before Ned was born… he offered to marry Sarah, but she’d met someone else. Ned spent his childhood in America, Sarah had more children, but then Ned came here to London to study, work, I don’t know. And then I saw him… and I thought he was Julian.’

Cecily sat quiet for a moment, digesting the news; her hands clasped loosely in her lap, her faded eyes faraway. She said at last, ‘And Frank told you all this yesterday?’

‘Yes, and I was furious, it spoilt our lovely day. I made him take me home, miss the lunch he’d planned. I just couldn’t be with him, knowing he’d known all this about Julian, Ned is his nephew after all, and no one told me.’ She swallowed her tears, the injustice of it digging into her.

‘Did you feel, perhaps, as if you were not deemed important enough in their lives to be told?’ Cecily watched her.

‘Yes, I suppose I do, insignificant, compared to Julian’s bond with
their
family, and yet we were married, had children together and all the time he had this secret family. He often saw Frank when he went to Europe on business or here in London, but he never suggested we meet up, have him over to the house as we did with our other friends.’ She frowned trying to think back to the times Frank might have been here.

‘I think, am sure, you’ve got it wrong, my dear.’ Cecily put her hands over hers as they twisted in her lap. ‘Julian loved you, loved you and the girls more than anyone, you must not lose sight of that. But he was also close to Frank because of Henry and what happened to him and there was a bond there, a deep bond that has nothing to do with his love for you and it seems there’s a bond through their sister too. We do not belong to each other, Alice, and we should be allowed some privacy, don’t let this destroy you, destroy the love you and Julian shared, be thankful you had it for so many years.’ Her eyes skimmed over the pictures of her dead fiancés, ‘No one can take away that love you shared, whether it lasted a long time or hardly any time at all. It is there in your make-up and cannot be lost unless you choose to destroy it.’

She’d been lucky with her family and Julian, Alice knew that, and yet she still felt angry – torn to bits – that such a secret was kept from her and she was angry with herself for taking it out on Frank when it was Julian who was to blame. Cecily guessed her thoughts. ‘It’s very hard to accept some things in life, but you must accept this or you’re in danger of ruining everything. The loving life you shared together, the good memories you stored up. Tell the girls about Ned, their half-brother, ask Frank to introduce you. Does Ned know about you all?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Well get Frank on to it, and, Alice, don’t blame him, give him a chance.’

‘A chance for what?’

Cecily smiled a rather annoying, secret smile. ‘Just give him a chance, he’s a good man, he deserves happiness.’

Alice was weary of secrets. She had felt close to Frank when she’d seen him again, but now she felt that she and Frank could never be comfortable together after this. He was an honourable man and he’d do his bit at Laura’s wedding and then he’d leave and go home to France. Apart from wishes at Christmas and perhaps occasional visits if he came to London they would not see each other again.

Cecily obviously thought she’d said enough on the subject and asked how Evie was getting on juggling baby and work, and how the arrangements for Laura’s wedding were going. ‘Almost a Christmas wedding, candlelight, evergreens with bright berries, possibly even snow, it will be lovely,’ Cecily said. ‘Keep looking forward, my dear, the past is past and there’s no going back.’

‘It’s just the consequences of it that mess up the future,’ Alice said.

When Alice left Cecily she walked all the way down Park Lane to Hyde Park Corner to the bus that would take her home. She passed the showrooms of the gleaming cars and wished she could drive one on her own to a time before she known these secrets.

‘But we can’t possibly have Nick at your wedding, Laura,’ Alice protested, still poleaxed from Frank’s revelations, feeling she’d lost him as her ally in this venture.

‘Why ever not? He’s part of our family now, like it or not, and Freya’s coming, I’ve asked them both. I asked their little girl Lexie to be a bridesmaid, or rather she asked me and I couldn’t refuse her,’ Laura said. ‘Apart from Zara, I don’t know any other small children and I just want little bridesmaids and Lexie’s so pretty,’ Laura finished defiantly, her eyes hard on Alice; they were having tea together in the kitchen. She leant over to help herself to another biscuit and bit savagely into it.

Alice was furious. Nick had caused enough trouble in her family and was not welcome at the wedding. He’d even had the audacity to suggest he’d give Laura away before they found Frank. His arrogance was too much.

‘But… what does Douglas think about it and… his mother?’ Alice said, not wanting a row with her daughters and rather shamefully hoping that Elspeth’s opinion would count against him. She certainly wouldn’t put up with the married lover of her son’s sister-in-law and father of her baby flouting him at the wedding.

‘She’s fine about it, well we didn’t tell her too much, just that he and Freya are old friends of the family, which they are, Mum. We’ve known them for ever; Dad knew them and liked them.’