Montana Cherries (30 page)

Not wanting to talk to her.

“I’m fine just talking to you,” she answered. Which was a lie, but talking to Haley was more than she’d expected.

“He let me use the FaceTime,” Haley explained. “I called it all by myself. I’ve gotten good at it ’cause me and Jenna talk all the time.”

The phone swung around again until it landed on the top half of the puppies.

“Did you want one?” Haley asked behind the camera. “Leslie has five more.”

Dani laughed softly. She missed Haley. She missed Montana—the state, not the puppy. “I probably don’t need a puppy. I don’t have room in my apartment. It’s too tiny.”

“Can I see it?”

“Well, I’m not home right now. I’m at the park.”

Haley gasped. “I went to the park last week. Do you have swings?”

“No. No swings where I am right now.” Dani stood and moved so that she could put the bridge in the shot. “But there’s this bridge. It’s very pretty with the water running beneath it.” She moved again, and framed the tops of the trees and what could be seen of the New York skyline. “And there are lots and lots of buildings here.”

“That’s so pretty,” Haley gushed. She looked away from the camera again. “Daddy, isn’t that pretty? Could we go see Dani and go to the park?”

Dani held her breath. He wouldn’t come there. The last time he’d offered she’d told him no.

She heard the rumble of his voice again, but as before, she could make out nothing.

Haley returned. “Daddy says I got to go.”

Sadness welled up inside Dani and she looked down at her journal. Maybe she should process these feelings. Especially since she was about ten seconds from crying them out. “Thank you for calling me, sweetheart. I loved it so much. And I miss you,” she added. “Lots.”

“I miss you, too. Next time I’ll show you my house.”

Would Ben let her call again?

She hoped so.

“That sounds terrific,” she said sincerely. “I’ll look forward to it.”

The phone disconnected, and Dani dropped to the ground. Everything inside her screamed that she’d made a mistake in coming here. She wanted to go home.

She wanted to see Haley. And Ben.

She even wanted to see her dad.

But the logical side of her reminded her that this was where she belonged. She had her dream job, and she was in the city where she’d always wanted to live. She’d made it.

It was simple homesickness. Because she’d done the right thing in coming here.

Her therapist had explained that her leaving the home she’d grown up in had been healthy. It was her way of moving on. She’d separated herself from her mother—the house representing her mother—and because of that, she was already ahead in her recovery process.

The next step was to accept the fact that she not only didn’t have a mother
now
, but that she’d missed out on both a childhood and a mother her whole life. At least, in the traditional sense. Her life had been merely an illusion of normalcy. However, that didn’t define her future. It didn’t mean she couldn’t move forward.

If she wanted love, if she wanted to be “mothered” . . . that would be on her. She had herself for emotional support, and she could handle that. She got that. One day she’d be good at that.

Only, today . . .

Today she wasn’t quite finished grieving the loss of what she’d always wanted. A mother’s love.

So yes, moving here had been good. She needed to be here.

Even if she did often yearn to be firmly planted back in Montana.

chapter twenty-six

October 31

A
handful of kids in Halloween costumes dotted the sidewalk as Dani rushed from the subway station to her brownstone apartment on the Upper West Side. It was Friday night, she’d been one of the first out of the office, and she’d just come from her therapist—who’d declared she was making steady progress on her road to recovery.

Of course, she understood that recovery would be a life-long process.

But things were improving. Her job was good, and she loved her roommate. Her days were settling into a new kind of normalcy. To put it bluntly, her life was looking really good.

And Aunt Sadie would be arriving at her apartment any moment.

Entering her small foyer minutes later, the first thing Dani heard was Aunt Sadie’s laughter. Hurrying down the hallway, she turned into the small kitchen to find her aunt and her roommate already hitting it off.

“Dani.” Aunt Sadie turned, pleasure in her eyes.

Dani rushed into her aunt’s arms. They hadn’t seen each other in well over a year. “I’m so glad you’re here.” Her words were muffled by her arms, now wrapped tightly around her aunt’s neck.

When they parted, Aunt Sadie simply took Dani in, and after several long seconds her still-sturdy hand patted her on the cheek. “You look good,” she said. “Strong.”

“I am strong, Aunt Sadie.” She kissed her aunt. “And good.”

“It was lovely meeting you.” Dani’s roommate Beth held out one hand to shake, the other wrapped around her ever-present mug of coffee. “You two have a great time in Times Square this weekend.”

Dani and Sadie had a hotel room rented just off Broadway, and they planned to live it up.

“You should come with us,” Sadie offered.

“Really,” Beth began, “I couldn’t intrude. Plus, I’m looking forward to my own little weekend vacation. No roommate.” She winked at Dani. “You wouldn’t believe how much trouble this one is.”

The three of them laughed at Beth’s teasing, then Beth excused herself and disappeared into her bedroom. Aunt Sadie turned and once again looked Dani up and down. Dani did the same. Sadie’s stylish outfit was trendy and up to date, her hair remaining a fabricated light brown. Little about her hinted at her actual age. Dani was lucky to have this woman in her life.

“The city agrees with you,” Aunt Sadie said.

“Yeah.” Dani nodded. It was what she’d needed. It was allowing her to heal. “I think it does.”

“And Jaden says you’re doing great in therapy?”

“I am. It’s been really painful at times, and I’ve cried a lot.” She thought of the journal where she’d spent so many hours processing her feelings. “A
lot
. But the thing is, every tear that I shed seems to clean out more of the bad and make room for good.”

“That’s terrific, sweetheart. I’m so happy for you. And I understand your dad is seeing someone too?”

“Yeah.” Their conversations had gotten easier over the weeks. It made her wish to go home so she could see him in person. “We’re doing good, too. We’re getting there.”

“I’m thrilled to hear it.” Her aunt pulled her in for another hug. As she released her, she pointed to the tabloid article stuck to the fridge. “Now, tell me about this.”

Dani’s gaze went to the picture in Los Angeles captured last month of Ben, his mother, Haley, and Jenna. They’d been seen at a restaurant known to be a place more for children than for adults. Haley had told her all about it in one of their weekly phone calls. But what could she tell Aunt Sadie concerning why it was stuck to her fridge? Aunt Sadie knew about her relationship with Ben.

She knew that Dani still missed Ben.

And she remembered him from his college days. She’d been in town for harvest a couple of the years that he’d been at the house. She’d liked him.

“Beth thinks it’s fun that I know them,” Dani said, fudging the truth.

Her aunt’s perfectly lined brows lifted. “This is here because of Beth?”

Dani shrugged.

“Oh, sweetie. I’m sorry that didn’t work out.”

“Me, too.” Everything about their relationship had been perfect except for her.

They put aside thoughts of Ben and headed for their hotel, and once checked in, hailed a cab to the restaurant. They were saving the trip to their favorite café for tomorrow. Tonight’s reservations were more upscale. The food was delicious, the company sublime. And the view of the city spectacular. Aunt Sadie seemed to have the best time.

While Dani spent most of it staring out the window at the darkened sky.

After dessert, they walked off some of the calories as they made their way back to their hotel, but instead of going in, Aunt Sadie wanted to do more. The night was just getting started.

“You must love this,” Aunt Sadie said. She had her face tilted up, taking in the bright lights of the many billboards.

“I do,” Dani agreed. She followed her aunt’s gaze. She
should
, anyway. She’d claimed it was exactly what she wanted.

Only, most of the time, she found herself less than enthused.

“It’s everything I remembered,” she confirmed.

Her aunt brought her gaze back to Dani’s. “Then why the long face?”

“I don’t have a long face.”

Aunt Sadie pointed to a darkened window in the corner of the building beside them, where Dani could see their reflection. She had a long face. She looked sad.

“You miss home?”

“I love my life here,” Dani defended. “It’s what I’ve always wanted.”

“Sure it is, but wants can change.” Her aunt slipped an arm through hers. “And it’s okay if they do.”

Dani didn’t reply, instead thinking about Sadie’s words.
Had
her wants changed?

She
had changed, that was for sure. For the better. She saw reality more clearly these days, and she faced things head-on. There was no more living in a make-believe world.

But had her desires changed?

She wasn’t sure.

She’d spent the past two and a half months focusing on her job and her therapy sessions. Little else. She’d come to New York with a purpose, to build a life for herself. And she’d been working hard to meet those goals.

Her family relationships continued to strengthen, and her personal happiness grew daily.

Only, she always missed Ben. And she always missed home.

And she hadn’t allowed herself to stop and think about whether her wants had changed.

Checking her watch, she saw that it was nearing time for Haley’s call, and pulled out her phone. The background picture was a shot of Jenna standing between two princes at Disneyland, her smile stretching from ear to ear, and Dani passed it over to Aunt Sadie. “Did you see this? Jenna found a prince.”

“Two of them.” Aunt Sadie gazed at the screen. “That smile tells a story. She’s a good kid.”

“Yes, she is. And I miss her like crazy.”

There would be a few minutes before Haley called, so Dani motioned to the bleachers above the TKTS booth. “Do you mind if we sit? It’s time for Haley to call, and I promised her I’d show her the city.”

Aunt Sadie cut shrewd eyes to Dani. “You talk to Ben’s daughter?”

“Every Friday night.” She said the words casually, as if weekly chats with an ex lover’s daughter were normal. But there was nothing casual about the butterflies that flapped through her insides every Friday night before the phone rang.

She talked to Haley, and she loved it. But she always wished for more.

“Do you talk to Ben?” Aunt Sadie asked.

Dani shook her head. Not once.

The phone chirped, and the butterflies took flight. Dani smiled. Then the elation dropped. Gloria was FaceTiming her?

She answered to find that, in fact, it was not Gloria. Haley was using Gloria’s phone.

“Hi, Dani,” the girl squealed. “Do you like my costume?” The phone was pulled back to show Haley in head-to-toe Cinderella gear.

“You look marvelous,” Dani told her. “Did you trick-or-treat yet?”

“I did. Daddy took me and Leslie. I’m at the house with Gloria and Pops now.”

“What are you doing there?” Haley had taken to calling Dani’s dad Pops just like Jenna did. Apparently they saw each other a lot.

“Daddy has a date, so I’m spending the night.”

Dani completely lost the ability to speak.

Haley didn’t seem to notice, and continued chattering on, while Aunt Sadie reached over and took Dani’s free hand. Haley showed her the tub full of candy that had been acquired that evening, the decorations Gloria had on display on the front porch, and the clown outfit Pops had worn while handing out candy.

Ben was out on a date.

Overnight.

Dani’s heart hurt so badly.

Several minutes later, after somehow managing to carry on a partial conversation and show the girl pieces of New York, she hung up the phone and slid it back into her purse. Her hands shook.

“Are you okay?” Aunt Sadie’s gentle voice wrapped around her.

Dani nodded, but she wasn’t okay. Ben was on a date.

“You can’t have expected him to wait forever.”

“I wasn’t expecting him to wait at all.” She swallowed. Her eyes blurred with tears.

“But you’d hoped?”

She shook her head and the first tear slipped free. “I couldn’t hope that, Aunt Sadie. How could I? I was so dysfunctional when I left. He didn’t need that in his life.”

“Maybe not,” her aunt acknowledged. She patted Dani’s knee. “But how are you now? You seem better.”

She was better.

But did it matter? Ben had moved on.

And the reality was, she
was
still messed up. She would never be truly healed.

She thought of both journals currently sitting on the dresser in her bedroom. One was from her teen years. It had flooded her with guilt when she’d first found it, but today it made her mad. It made her hurt.

But she no longer felt as though she’d been in the wrong for writing the words she had.

The other had become the place she’d allowed herself to feel over the past couple of months. It often seemed like blood had been shed as she’d written on those pages, but the blood—the tears—had freed her in a way she’d never imagined.

How was she now? Had her wants changed?

She was good. And quite possibly yes.

But could she do anything about it, was the question.

Or was it already too late?

“You going home for Thanksgiving?” Aunt Sadie tactfully changed the subject.

“I don’t know.” Dani leaned back, putting her elbows on the riser behind her, and stared up at the black night. If she went home for Thanksgiving, she’d get to see the stars.

If she went home, she might get to see Ben.

“I wonder if any of the boys will be there,” she questioned. She hadn’t asked them yet.

“I understand they’re all planning to come home.”

“Really?” Dani straightened on the seat. It had been years since everyone had been home for the holidays.

“Jonas and I plan to, as well,” Aunt Sadie added with a tender smile. “We’re all hoping you can make it.”

Her whole family would be in Montana for Thanksgiving? She had to be there.

And maybe . . .

Her stomach twisted into a knot. Was it too late to want more with Ben?

Could
she consider new wants?

She loved her job here. Her roommate. She even loved the city—or . . . she didn’t
hate
it. But she couldn’t just walk away from the commitments she’d made here. Could she? She had clients who asked for her by name. She’d have to break a lease.

But in Montana . . .

She looked at the sky again. And she pictured Ben’s face.

How much had she already lost?

And was any of it salvageable?

She nodded, returning to her aunt’s question. The decision to go home for the holiday was easy. “I’ll be there. I wouldn’t miss it.”

The harder question was, would she go home seeking more?