Mind Gym (12 page)

The first chapter in this part, “Get in the Right Relationship Mind-Set,” will give you a greater understanding of how you perceive yourself and show you how you perceive others. You’ll then take a look at how the people in your relationships might view you as well as others. When you understand the perceptions of yourself and others, you’ll be able to quickly identify and remove false or misleading perceptions to strengthen your relationships.

Next, you’ll learn something that can make or break any relationship: all the tiny clues that spotlight what went wrong, what could go wrong, and how to avoid going wrong altogether. For those of you struggling with a current relationship, “Bid for Attention” is a must read. In this chapter, you’ll identify your verbal and nonverbal bids for attention. You’ll be able to spot the cues you receive from your relationships; discover the messages you’re sending to your partners, your friends, your coworkers, and the world; and learn how to change these cues to build deeper connections.

Finally, “Get the Best from People” dives into the concept of motivation. What motivates you to fix a relationship? What motivates you to enter a relationship or even to stay connected to someone at all? In this chapter, you’ll learn how to spot other people’s motivations and identify your own motives, so you can deepen your connections and have a greater impact in your relationships. This chapter will forever change the way you see yourself and the people around you. Even more important, it will teach you how to get the best from others and yourself.

Get ready to deepen your connections. If your romantic relationship is solid, this section will still help you better understand your interactions with coworkers, friends, someone you’re forced to deal with, your child’s teacher, your best friend’s boyfriend or girlfriend—even your in-laws.

D
o your clients irritate you, your suppliers let you down, or your romantic relationships wither after just a few months? If you find it difficult to keep old friends or make new ones, maintain your colleagues’ loyalty or stay with the same employer, the chances are it’s because of your relationship mind-set. Your relationship mind-set is the established set of thoughts and attitudes you hold that determine how you approach and respond to others. These thoughts and attitudes influence the quality of your relationships, how you interpret others’ behavior, and how you connect with others. A healthy mind-set is likely to lead to positive, enduring relationships at both work and home.

No one knows for sure how we arrive at our relationship mind-set, although most psychologists suggest that we develop it in our early childhood. Psychologist John Bowlby, a pioneer of attachment theory, believes that a relationship mind-set is formed based on an infant’s experiences with its caregivers—parents or family members.
¹
As young children, we look to caregivers for protection, comfort, and support.

Based on a caregiver’s responses to our needs, we paint a picture of how the world of relationships works—a template that we use to interpret any new relationships.
²
We start to make assumptions about what we can expect from other people and even what we deserve. Based on these early childhood expectations, we develop strategies and ways of responding and attaching to others.
³

Are your relationships characterized by intimacy? For example, do old clients still invite you out to lunch? Are you close to your brothers or sisters? How independent are you? Do you flourish when you’re left to your own devices and resent being given advice? How you behave in your relationships, Bowlby believes, is influenced by how well you experienced secure attachments when you were young.

Early childhood experiences may influence your current relationship mind-set, but it doesn’t mean you have to be a slave to those experiences forever. If you feel your relationships are not as strong as they could be, then understanding your current mind-set is the first step toward improving them.

To understand your relationship mind-set and learn what you can do about changing it, start by considering the following statements. Don’t spend too much time thinking about each one. Quickly decide whether you generally agree or disagree with the statement.

There are two factors that make up your relationship mind-set. The first factor relates to how you see yourself, which we’ll call
I’m okay
.
⁴
The second factor relates to how you see others, which we’ll call
You’re okay
. To discover which factor is predominant in your mind-set, look at whether you answered “Agree” or “Disagree” to each specified statement earlier and then add up the corresponding number of points. For example, if you agreed with statements 1, 3, and 7, and you disagreed with statements 5 and 10, you will have a total of 2 points.

This table is for the
I’m oka
y
factor:

Write your total
I’m okay
points (it should be between 0 and 10) here:_____.

Now do the same for the next set of statements, which relate to the
You’re oka
y
factor:

Write your total
You’re okay
points (it should be between 0 and 10) here: _____.

These results reveal how you typically look at yourself and how you look at others. Of course, this is a simple evaluation with only ten responses, so the results you’ll get are more suggestive than conclusive. Nevertheless, it can help you become more aware of how you relate to others.

If your
I’m okay
points are greater than 6, then you’re likely to feel pretty good in your own skin. You value yourself and are likely to agree with the statement
I’m okay
and maybe even
I’m an all-around good person
.

If the
I’m okay
total is less than 4, then it suggests the opposite. You might not value yourself very highly. You might agree with the statement
I’m not okay
or
I’m not good enough
or maybe even
There’s a lot that’s not quite right with me
.

The same rules apply to the
You’re okay
points, which are about how you see other people. Do you tend to assume that other people are good, worthy, and positive until they do something that proves otherwise? Or is it more often the other way around: they need to prove themselves before you are willing to be impressed. A positive total (especially more than 6) suggests you’re in the
You’re okay
camp. And a total of less than 4 suggests you’re in the
You’re not okay
camp.

Plot your results in the following grid to see what your relationship mind-set tends to be:

You should now have plotted where you are along the two axis lines, which will place you in a particular quadrant of the grid. This is where it gets interesting, because you can now consider the two factors together, which will give you a sense of your overall relationship mind-set. We’ll go through each of the quadrants, explaining the meaning and impact of the variations in each relationship mind-set.

People with this mind-set are in the best position to build positive relationships. They adopt the perspective that everyone—including them—is inherently good. They tend to be logical and understanding. They are influenced by emotion but not ruled by it. They’re self-aware and tolerant, and they understand that people often behave irrationally. They also look for the positive motives behind other people’s behavior. When things go wrong, they give people the benefit of the doubt and do their best to work collaboratively with them. People with an
I’m okay, you’re okay
attitude are perceived by others as being open, direct, and honest.

If you are in this quadrant, you are likely to have a good sense of self-worth and be trusting of others. As a result, you’re also likely to be at ease around other people and feel comfortable about having close relationships. If your relationships aren’t working, it’s not because of your relationship mind-set.

When people have an
I’m okay, you’re not okay
mind-set, they typically behave with a sense of superiority. They believe that they’re better or smarter than everyone around them. In their opinion, people constantly fail and disappoint them, not delivering what they said they would or as they should. People with this mind-set criticize and reprimand others by focusing on their failings and shortcomings—usually while glossing over any errors or missteps they may have made themselves.

Being on the receiving end of people with the
I’m okay, you’re not okay
mind-set is not pleasant. They come across as argumentative, crass, and dismissive (
I always know best
). As a result, other people may avoid them, leaving them feeling unsupported, which in turn reinforces their view that others are somehow wrong. Although people with this relationship mind-set often come across as having presence and importance, they also often feel threatened and isolated.

Points that land you in the
I’m okay, you’re not okay
quadrant suggest that while you may feel good about yourself, you don’t have a lot of faith in other people. You may have found that other people are unreliable, so you protect yourself by not allowing others to get too close. This mind-set can inhibit others from forming strong relationships with you.

People with this mind-set tend to feel pretty rotten about themselves. They sense that when relationships fail, they are at fault or they are less competent, successful, or significant than others. They may lack confidence or feel that they don’t fit in. They are often on the lookout for evidence of their own shortcomings, highlighting the areas where they compare unfavorably with others (e.g.,
He is smarter / more stylish / in better shape than me
) while ignoring the fact that they themselves may be miles ahead of their counterparts in other areas.

People who get stuck in this mind-set often feel helpless and, as a result, tend to let opportunities pass them by. To those around them, these people can be exhausting. Compliant, lacking in confidence, and short on motivation, they seem dependent, vulnerable, and a bit weak. And while seemingly friendly, they can be hyper-negative complainers who never get enough support and encouragement. Basically, they behave like victims.

If your points place you in this quadrant, you’re probably very hard on yourself while putting others on pedestals. You may think that you would feel happy if only you could get people around you to respond properly to you. But if you retain the particular
I’m not okay, you’re okay
mind-set, you won’t. And whatever support others do give you, it still won’t be enough.

The
I’m not okay, you’re not okay
quadrant is not a nice place to be. People with this mind-set have usually been dragged here by others (such as uncaring parents, cruel lovers, or bullying employers). Certain life events or strings of events may have damaged these people’s faith in humankind and left them feeling helpless. If you’re familiar with the
Winnie-the-Pooh
characters, think Eeyore.

People with an
I’m not okay, you’re not okay
mind-set expect the worst of themselves and others; they expect to fail and to be let down. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy (because they seek out the pitfalls) and a self-reinforcing prophecy (
See, I knew they’d let me down
).