Mind Gym (7 page)

Once you are aware of how you tend to look at things and of your explanatory style, you can decide whether to change. This chapter and the diagnostic hopefully helped you realize how you can change the way you look at things, how you can be more attentively optimistic—and, for that matter, pessimistic when it will work to your advantage.

Of course, knowing is one thing, doing is quite another. This is an exercise book. You won’t get the true benefits until you work out.

GIVE YOUR MIND A WORKOUT

Before you know what to look for in yourself, learn to spot optimism and pessimism in others.

1. Scan for pessimists. Watch and listen to find friends, colleagues, and celebrities being interviewed on the radio or TV—anyone who is entirely pessimistic in the way they present their situation. Listen intently as they describe negative events as universal and permanent, and positive events as mere circumstances.

2. Scan for optimists. Watch and listen for people being entirely optimistic in the way they present their situation. Listen intently as they describe positive events as universal and permanent, and negative events as mere circumstances.

Psychologist Martin Seligman came up with the following “Three Good Things” exercise and tested its validity in increasing optimistic feelings.
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His research demonstrates that this exercise provides lasting happiness and fewer depressive feelings, which continues months after completing the exercise. So why not give it a try?

1. Every night for a month, write down three good things that happened that day and what caused them.

2. After each good thing, write what it means to you. Keep this in a journal or notebook so you can return to it and review what you wrote. They say it’s the little things that count, and after this month, you’ll likely agree.

Think of this exercise not as a lesson in understanding but as an activity that results in a winning argument.

1. Choose a perception you have about yourself that you would like to change—for example, a negative perception of what you are capable of.

2. Don’t become too entrenched in your position to start with. If you do, be willing to agree in principle that you will compromise or change your view if the arguments are compelling.

3. Imagine you are a prosecutor in a courtroom challenging your original hypothesis; give it everything you can. As the prosecutor, you don’t need to be fair; you need to make the best case possible. Don’t put up a defense as you go along but assemble all the arguments against your original view first.

4. Is there a case for the prosecution? If so, accept this without necessarily launching a counterattack.

5. Search for alternative explanations. There is almost always more than one reason. We tend to overemphasize the examples that support our beliefs and underplay any counterexamples that suggest alternative causes.

6. Try to find the right path between firm and supportive: too lenient and your views won’t change; too aggressive and you won’t want to change.

7. Challenge your assumptions about the importance of your view. So what if you can’t play a musical instrument or master all the functions on your mobile phone?

8. The ultimate fallback is to decide whether your view is helping or hindering. Even if, in your opinion, your view is true, that isn’t enough of a reason to hold on to it. If the belief is getting in the way, then it’s best to put it to one side.

9. The hardest part of arguing with yourself is being willing to be swayed. Ask yourself if you are being obstinate.

H
OW MUCH CONTROL do you have over your life? It’s a question that has puzzled philosophers, great academics, and people stuck at airport gates waiting for delayed flights.

The truth is that you have much more control over your life than first meets the eye. Rather than being a pawn, pushed around in some great game of existential chess, you have the ability to choose what you do, how you do it, and when you do it.

As wonderful as this choice is, it also has disadvantages. Are you procrastinating about a big project? Are you timid about asking that special person out on a date because you assume they’ll reject you? Are you frustrated by a situation at work that could actually open a door to a new opportunity? Why?

The chapters in this part of the book are filled with techniques to help you think differently, react differently, and regain control of your life.

This section starts with a chapter titled “Take Charge.” In it, you’ll learn ways to approach everyday challenges, such as being more proactive so things get done rather than hang over you like a cartoon rain cloud. You’ll learn how to take charge of your thinking when circumstances seem like they’re out of your control. And you’ll discover tools that not only allow you to choose how you think, feel, and react to situations but also give you control of those situations.

Next, in “Start a New Chapter” you’ll explore bigger issues, like
Where’s my life going?
The tools in this chapter will help you answer the big burning questions:
Am I doing the right things to get what I want in life? Am I at least headed in the right direction?
You’ll quickly learn how to clear your most common hurdles. You’ll better understand many of the things that may have held you back in the past. What’s more, you’ll almost immediately discover how to re-chart your future course.

Finally, the last chapter in this section, “End Procrastination Now,” will help those who want to change but don’t know where, how, or when to begin the process. In this chapter, you’ll examine why you procrastinate. Are you trying to avoid uncomfortable situations? Are you complacent? Are you an “action illusionist”? You’ll find out. And you’ll gain all the tools you need to stop procrastinating and start living, working, and building stronger relationships today.

No, you can’t control every situation in your life. But you can choose to take control of your thoughts, your actions, and your reactions. Dive into this next part. Wrap these chapters around certain areas of your life. You will be surprised by how much you can improve aspects of your life that you didn’t even know needed improvement.

T
he thoughts and preaching of Reinhold Niebuhr, a theologian born in the nineteenth century, may not be the most obvious place to start when considering how you can take control of a challenging situation, but a truism he described in a prayer still has much resonance today: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Over a century later, absolute wisdom may still be beyond the reach of humankind, but the ability to differentiate between what is in our control and what is not is very firmly within our grasp. Sometimes the difference is not obvious. For example, if you wanted a friend to read this book, you could recommend it. You could offer them a reward to read it, you could tell them why you think it is worth their while, you could even buy them a copy—all these things are in your control. But whether that person reads it or not, and likes it or not, is out of your control. This ability to distinguish and act on what is in or out of your control makes the difference between those who can banish the worry monsters and those who can’t.

Danny is concerned about selling his house. The market is soft. The real estate agent doesn’t seem very efficient. The last people who made an offer pulled out, and Danny won’t be able to afford the mortgage when it increases next month. He is losing sleep and it is affecting his work.
Please will someone fall in love with my house and make an offer today?
he says to himself.

The chances are no one will. Danny is focusing on what is out of his control: the market, the agent’s efficiency, the reaction of the last people who made an offer, the end of the discount on his mortgage. As a result, he is likely to feel powerless and use lots of mental energy without achieving very much. Danny is in “victim” mode—at best reacting to events and at worst waiting passively for them to show him his destiny, which is unlikely to be a particularly rosy one. This is not a good place to be. Danny would be better off summoning the courage, as Reinhold Niebuhr put it, to focus on changing the things he can.

Let’s take a look at Danny’s worries and the possible actions he could take to overcome them:

A skeptic might argue that there is no guarantee these proposed actions, or any others, will solve Danny’s problems. That skeptic would be absolutely right. There is no guarantee. What is 100 percent certain is that Danny can choose to focus on the left column of the list—his worries—or the right column of the list—what he can do about them.

People like Danny, who focus on their worries, have a “reactive” mind-set; they worry about all the things that might go wrong and feel they can’t do anything to change them. People with reactive mind-sets are likely to

   
•   respond to what happens, often feeling like a victim;

   
•   spend a lot of time worrying in ways that drain their energy but won’t improve the situation;

   
•   blame and accuse other people for the problems and challenges in their lives;

   
•   put off doing things for as long as possible and, in the end, work harder to achieve the same or a poorer result; and

   
•   fail to take action that would likely improve their circumstances.

People who focus on what they can do to make a situation better have a “proactive” mind-set. These people create a plan of action to tackle their problems and turn their attention to all the things they can do to positively influence the situation. People with a proactive mind-set are more likely to

   
•   take action proactively, doing things that will help;

   
•   feel in control of the situation and their lives;

   
•   have more free time to do what they want; and

   
•   be viewed as leaders or as strong.

If Danny focuses his attention on what he can do, two things will start to happen. First, he will feel better about his real estate problem, because rather than feeling impotent about the situation he will feel he can make a difference. Second, he will deploy his energy toward thinking about and doing things that could help.

A proactive mind-set is likely to also lead to a third benefit: As Danny starts to take action, new opportunities will emerge that he hadn’t even considered. Perhaps when he talks with the real estate agent, he discovers that he could help with Internet marketing, inexpensively improve the landscaping of the house, or clear out the spare room so that it appears larger and more desirable.

Proactive thinkers always focus on what they can do to improve a situation. As a direct result, they achieve more and feel more in control. They are in charge.

The idea of having a “locus” of control was put forward by Julian Rotter in 1954.
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He suggested that individuals with an external locus of control—people with a reactive mind-set—typically believe that rewards in life are determined by forces such as fate, luck, or other people. Individuals with an internal locus of control—people with a proactive mind-set—tend to believe events are triggered by their own behavior or capability. Further research has suggested there are numerous benefits to having an internal locus of control, or a proactive mind-set, including

   
•   greater job performance and job satisfaction,
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•   decreased likelihood of depression or anxiety,
³

   
•   healthier relationships,

   
•   higher academic achievements,

   
•   longer life expectancy,
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•   less stress, and

   
•   less illness.
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Social scientists generally believe that people with parents who were controlling or authoritarian are more likely to develop an externalized locus of control or reactive mind-set. Similarly, individuals who have experienced stressful life events, like the death of a parent or sibling, particularly when they were young, also tend to develop a reactive mind-set.

By contrast, those whose parents encouraged them to do things that produced direct and measurable results from their efforts, like learning to play a musical instrument, are more likely to have an internalized locus or proactive mind-set. Kindness also makes a difference: Children with an internal locus also seem to have parents who showed affection and love.