Mind Gym (3 page)

Sports commentators are not always complimentary about the sports stars they report on: “Oh, that was a cheap shot on the field!” or “He’s playing like a rookie.” Similarly, when you are in a critical state of mind, you hear an inner voice giving a running commentary on what you are doing and what you should be doing differently:
I’m making a fool of myself onstage
or
I’m paralyzed—I can’t decide what I need to do next
or
I think she would like me if I said something witty and charming, but I can’t think of anything, so she’s probably going to hate me
.

This state of mind is accurately described by the expression “You are your own worst enemy.” In sports terms, it is the equivalent of that old commentary cliché: “They’re playing against two teams tonight: the opponents and themselves.” Critical noise or chatter often peaks when you are doing something that matters to you: playing tennis, making a point in an important meeting, negotiating with the plumber, or sharing a passionate embrace. A voice pops up and starts talking to you about what you are doing, how you are doing it, and whether you are doing it right.

You may be fooled into thinking that this voice is helpful, but in fact it is a distraction. It’s a bit like when you try to get to sleep but can’t. The more you tell yourself,
I must get to sleep, I must get to sleep
, the more anxious you are about falling sleep, and thus, you actually become more awake. When you interact with people, your critical mind can be particularly distracting. It might instruct you with what to say to sound smart or it might observe,
I’m being boring
or
Come on, I should have shared better ideas with this person by now
. These instructions distract you, knock your confidence, and get in the way of what you are truly trying to accomplish.

When you are in a critical state of mind, you also suffer from what is called the “impostor syndrome.”
²
If you have ever thought,
I’m not able to do this; it’s only a question of time before they find out I’m faking
, then you have suffered from impostor syndrome.
³
And it’s okay to admit that you’ve had these thoughts. It’s more common than you might assume. In fact, almost all white-collar workers suffer from impostor syndrome at some stage in their careers, and some of the more successful people experience it throughout their working lives.
⁴
This means that all those people you are worried might expose you as an impostor are probably busy worrying that you are about to show them up. What a relief!

You are in a thinking state of mind when you are assessing options, deciding on a course of action, working through a problem, estimating the likely consequences or chain of events, or simply organizing your thoughts to make more sense of them. When you’re at your best in this state, your thoughts feel clear, precise, and positive. This state of mind is particularly useful when:

In this state you “think through a problem” and then decide what you ought to do and how you ought to do it. For example, you weigh the pros and cons of taking a new job; you decide whether you prefer grapefruit or orange juice for breakfast; you consider where to go on vacation or how to spend your weekend; or you plan how to have a difficult conversation with your boss.

When things don’t seem to be going the way you want them to, you need to rethink your course of action or plan and react accordingly. Moving into a thinking state of mind allows you to consider what is happening and the options available to you (as opposed to being in the critical state of mind, in which you punish yourself for being in a bad situation in the first place).

One of the most effective ways of improving yourself is to learn from your past experiences, consider what you did well, and decide what you could do better in the future if you were in a similar situation. This kind of reflection, best accomplished when in the thinking state of mind, helps you become more self-aware, more knowledgeable, and, in due course, more capable.

You want to be in a thinking state when asking yourself questions to make sense of your current life situation.
Why do my personal relationships start so passionately and end so abruptly? Why do I want to change jobs? Am I redecorating my home to increase its value or to make it a nicer place for me to live?
Asking, and trying to answer, some of the “big” questions can be a very helpful mental tool, so long as you ask the right questions and do something with your answers (otherwise it can turn into self-indulgent navel-gazing).

Most of the suggestions in this book are designed to trigger your thinking state of mind by suggesting approaches and techniques to help you think differently. But when it comes to putting these techniques into practice—as opposed to deciding which techniques to use—being in an engaged state of mind is key.

There are many phrases used to describe the engaged state of mind: “captivated,” “absorbed,” “in the sweet spot.” An engaged state of mind exists when your focus is external, on something in your immediate environment, and when you’re performing at your best. If you can drive, you might recall the moment when you first drove somewhere on your own without thinking,
Check mirror, change gear, right blinker
, but instead your attention was completely on the road ahead and the other motorists while you sang along to the radio. Or you might recall the first time you skied to the bottom of a slope and you were not quite sure how you got there, but it felt great. Equally, it could be writing an email, contributing in a meeting, talking with people at a party, or reading a book. The key is that while you were performing a task, you didn’t have any distractions, either internal ones (voices telling you what you should or shouldn’t be doing) or external ones (checking a clock or looking around for other people to talk with).

When you are absorbed by what you are doing, you are engaged and totally present. By not judging yourself, you interfere less with the task at hand and allow your potential to take over. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (pronounced
chick-sent-me-high
) describes this state as finding “flow.”
⁵
It is where you are likely to feel peak performance and immersion in what you do.

Leading in the 1950 Monaco Grand Prix, Juan Manuel Fangio approached a blind corner, and instead of continuing at his typical 100 miles per hour, for some reason he braked hard and took the bend at a crawl. As he rounded the turn, he saw a nine-car pileup. If he had been traveling at his usual speed he would almost certainly have been caught in the crash and might well have died. Instead, he drove safely past.

So, what was it that caused Fangio to brake suddenly and for no obvious reason? It wasn’t until some time later that even Fangio could explain why he slowed down. Without being aware of it at the time, a part of his mind had noticed that the faces of the spectators in the stand ahead, which would usually be fixed on him as the race leader, were turned away toward the crash.

If he had been in a thinking state of mind, it would have taken too long to process this piece of information to react in time, and if he had been in autopilot, he wouldn’t have spotted that anything was different. But Fangio was completely engaged, as any Grand Prix champion would be, so he picked up on this unusual detail, realized that it could mean danger, and took an intuitive, split-second decision that saved his life and won him the race.

Learning to move away from harmful states of mind and into helpful states is critical—keeping yourself mentally on your toes to live the life you truly want to live.

Need to turn the autopilot off? Here are the best ways to switch back to manual:

  
•   
Look for something new
. Practice scanning your environment, consciously looking for what is new, different, and unusual. Ask yourself questions, like
How has this street changed since the last time I walked down it? What are the differences between the people on the train? What do I notice today about my colleagues?
These questions might seem silly, but they force you to live in, think about, and focus on the present—to become aware of your surroundings and not slip back into autopilot.

  
•   
Learn that “always” isn’t absolute
. One of the reasons why all of us can get caught in autopilot is that we tend to see the world as a set of absolutes. You are apt to believe that such and such will always happen, because so far it always has. This is a mental shortcut, which saves you from having to think about it again. As a result, your thinking falls into patterns of your own making and you are, in effect, switching on the autopilot.

  
•   
Accept other people’s perspectives
. Have you ever had a boss or colleague you thought was overbearing, dogmatic, aggressive, or rude? Do you think they saw themselves in that way? Surprisingly enough, they might not. If they were asked to describe themselves, they might say they were assertive, direct, honest, and candid. One of the reasons why conflicts can get so ugly is that it’s easy to fall into a state of autopilot and respond to others without thinking or without considering others’ perspectives. By staying alert to other people’s perspectives, you can move out of autopilot and into a more constructive state of awareness.

Right now you might be hearing critical noise in your head. You might be asking yourself,
Can I do this? Will this work? Can I really become engaged?
The answer is yes. But you need to start with getting rid of the critical noise.

When you want to move from the critical state of mind to the thinking state, do the following:

  
•   Bring objectivity and analysis into your thinking. Ask yourself,
What are the facts of the situation at hand and what are simply my assumptions?

  
•   Think like an attentive optimist (chapter 2).

How do you move to a reflective state of mind? After completing any task, think back on what you have achieved, what you did well, and what you would like to have done differently. Golfers can practice reflection between shots but not while taking them. Parents can practice reflection after disciplining a child. Salespeople can reflect back after pitches and presentations. All of us would benefit from practicing reflection at the end of each day.

When you want to move to a more reflective state of mind, do the following:

  
•   Schedule quiet moments in your day. Don’t eat lunch at your desk while answering emails, but find a place where you have the space to think.

  
•   Take advantage of “dead time”—standing in line, commuting, waiting for other people. Use that time to reflect on what you are trying to achieve, what you’ve learned, and what you can do better.

  
•   Relax. See chapter 20 to find ways to calm your mind into a state where you’re reflections will be at their most astute.

When you want to engage in a task but you hear the critical noise make its entrance (
You don’t want to do
that) or you find yourself busy thinking rather than being absorbed in the moment, there are several things you can do:

Vital components are part of what you are doing, and may indeed be essential, but they aren’t tied directly to the outcome of a situation. For example, if you are talking with a person on the telephone, a vital component is the other person’s tone of voice. If you are playing tennis, a vital component is the speed of the ball. If you are being interviewed, a vital component is the posture of the interviewer. The trick with these vital components is to not allow critical noise to start:
He’s folded his arms; I’m clearly boring him
. Instead, you need to observe or report on what is happening without commenting on it, and trust yourself to do what is right as a result. Focusing on vital components makes you more present and aware of your surroundings. Most important, it moves you toward an external focus, which helps silence the critical noise.

When you focus on an eventual outcome, it is all too easy for the critical state of mind to take center stage. Your critical voice starts spewing negative thoughts:
I’m never going to make it to the top of the mountain. The sales targets are impossible. It’ll be years before we finish redecorating the house
. To quiet this voice and get engaged, focus on the steps you are taking to get the task accomplished. A mountain climber will focus on getting to the next ridge or, when really exhausted, on simply taking the next step, one at a time. A salesperson will concentrate on the call to a specific potential client, rather than on reaching his or her quarterly sales number. A DIY hobbyist will devote him- or herself to each stroke of the brush. By focusing on the steps you need to take to get where you want to go, rather than on the eventual outcome, your mind switches from critical noise to being engaged.

The balance between challenge and skill is a sensitive one. If a task is too challenging (e.g., preparing a meal for twenty-five guests) for your level of skill (e.g., you can’t even boil an egg), you might feel anxious about completing the task. If you have more talent or skills (e.g., you are a celebrity chef) than is required to complete a task (e.g., toasting bread), you can feel apathetic toward it. If neither skill nor challenge is needed, you are bored. However, if you are skilled in something and there is a challenge to meet, you can become immersed and enjoy what you are doing. You are also more likely to achieve your potential by managing this balance between skill and challenge.