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been as committed to the meeting. People have lots of excuses and no one seems to miss getting together. I

am beginning to wonder if we misunderstood you. Without commitment we can’t seem to find a way to get

together.”

“Which might be a good reason not to,” John said putting down the menu.

“So you think there’s no value in people getting together if they don’t really want to?”

“Who said anything about wanting to, Jake. It’s valuable for the body of Christ to find each other and share

his life together. Where people are doing that they don’t need commitment. They’ll bend over backwards

to be with each other. Where they aren’t doing that, it does little good just to be committed to a meeting.

I’m convinced that most Christian meetings give people enough of God’s things to inoculate them against

the reality of his presence.”

It was a good thing our waitress walked up then to take our order, because I needed to sort out what he’d just

said. After we ordered, I turned back to John with half an eye on Jim who still sat alone. “So you think our

meetings could become a substitute for God himself?”

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“I don’t mean it that way. I mean they can become iconic. Because people get together, sit in a room, sing

some songs and share Scripture, they think they’ve experienced the life of the church. If that’s all been real,

they may have. More times than not, however, it’s just a routine they feel good about having accomplished,

but in the end they haven’t really shared his life at all. That’s why I like pulling commitment off of people.

You find out where they really are on the inside and that’s good for you and for them.“

“It sure doesn’t feel that way, though. It feels like they’re a bunch of flakes.”

“Maybe they are, maybe they’re just worn out with obligations. Let them detox from that for a while and

then you’ll all know better. Besides, just because they don’t come to a meeting, doesn’t mean you can’t

pursue fellowship with them individually.”

“So discipline isn’t important, John?”

“Discipline holds great value when your eye is on the treasure. But as a substitute for that treasure, obligation

can be a real detriment when it gives you satisfaction just for completing a task.”

“Yes, but I feel like such a failure now.”

“Why do you feel like a failure?”

“I don’t know. I guess I want to discover real body life, but how can we if we don’t find a way to get

together?”

“How could they stay away, if they had found it?”

I hate it when he reverses the playing field like that. I looked at him in a mock scowl and he shrugged his

shoulders as if to say, ‘What can I say?’

“You know what’s really strange, John?”

“What?”

“I feel like I have more to teach now than I ever have, and that I have far fewer people to share it with.”

John laughed heartily. “If I had a dollar for every time I heard that…” Then he put his hand over mine. “It’s

not about teaching, Jake. It’s about living. Learn to live this life and you’ll find no end of folks to share it

with. Teach it first, however, and that will be your substitute for living it.”

Our food finally came and with it a shift in conversation.

“How are the finances sorting out for you, Jake?”

“It’s tough, that’s for sure. We’ve always managed to get by at the end of each month, but this one looks

really tough. I lost two huge deals this morning. I was counting on one of them to get us into next month. I

don’t know how I’ll make it now. I was really trusting God to close those deals.”

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“Does trusting God to do what you think is best really sound like trusting God to you?”

It took me a bit to figure out what he was talking about since it was language I’d used without thinking. “I

guess I’d never thought that through.”

“It would seem to me that trusting God allows him to do whatever he desires. If I focus that trust on a

specific outcome, then I am only trying to manipulate him. Besides, you’ve still got a week, Jake. I wouldn’t

worry about it. God’s care for you wasn’t dependent on those two deals.”

“That may be easy for you to say. I’ve got almost $5,000 worth of expenses coming due in the next couple of

weeks and nothing on the horizon to pay them.”

“So what does that tell you?”

“That somehow God missed something, or I did.”

“If we don’t learn to trust, Jake, we will only interpret every event from our own self-centered vantage point,

which is invariably negative and undermines our relationship with God. Look at it this way. On your way

home one evening you have car trouble on the freeway and a dead battery in your cell phone, so you get

home two hours later than you said you would. If Laurie trusts you, there’s no problem. If not, as your

supper grows cold, she starts to worry, begins to feel threatened and even wrestles with the possibility that

you might be involved with someone else. When you finally get home, she’s already angry at you and you

have no idea why.

“Mistrust will only make us feel threatened or afraid so that we’ll either lash out at others in hostility, or turn it inward into depression. Growing in trust allows us to walk with God through our concerns and

disappointments, knowing he has something else in mind than we might have thought.”

“Well I don’t see any way I can come up with that kind of money in so short a time.”

“You’re thinking of only what you can do, Jake. There’s a thousand ways God can provide for you.”

“I guess he could turn my orange tree into a money tree if he wanted, but I’m not sure I should count on

that.”

“I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t. But you have enough for today already, don’t you?” I nodded through a

frustrated grimace. “That’s all we’re promised, Jake. He hasn’t promised to resolve our problems two

weeks in advance, just one day at a time as we walk freely in him. And he told us we could be content with

what he provides.”

“So if I just do what I want, he will provide all the money I need.”

John broke out in laughter. “Is that really what you heard me say?”

“Not exactly, but you make it sound as if I can just live in God without any thought of money. I’ve known a lot

of people who followed that road straight into financial ruin.”

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“Really?” John asked leaning over the table. “Can you name one?”

I tried to think of a name but couldn’t. “You know, lots of people try to live by faith and just end up begging

off of others.”

“So you’re saying that your experience has taught you that Jesus didn’t really mean what he said about seeking

the kingdom first? Just because someone says they are following God doesn’t mean they are. People often

put God’s name to their own agenda. But don’t let that rob you of the reality of living in his.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I sat back and just looked at John.

“What I’m saying is that following him, as he makes himself clear to you, is your responsibility. Providing

for you is his. You’ll be better off if you don’t get the two mixed up.”

“Well that flies in the face of my puritan work-ethic.”

“As well it should…”

“But doesn’t Paul say if you won’t work, you shouldn’t eat?”

“I didn’t say anything about not working. I’m talking about doing the work God gives you to do and

watching him provide for you as you do it. Paul was dealing with laziness and presumption, which is not

you, Jake. If he has called you to real estate, do it with all your heart and he will provide for you through it. If he hasn’t, don’t do it just because you’re anxious to find a way to provide for yourself. You might consider

that he may not be as interested in your doing real estate as you are. There are others to be helped on this

journey. Maybe he has that for you.”

“I’d love to be free financially to help others grow like that. I have some folks asking for my help already, but

I was trying to get the real estate business going again so I could finance my other desires. You think that’s

backwards?”

“No principle answers that, Jake. It depends on what he is asking of you.”

“But it seems so irresponsible.”

“In the mind of the world, it is. But if God’s asking you to do it, it would be irresponsible not to.”

“I guess I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. I want to trust God like that, but John, I’ve been

taught to provide for myself all my life. I don’t know how to do it any differently. How does he provide for

you, John?”

“In lots of ways, Jake. Some of it comes through work I do. Occasionally people I’ve helped in the past send

me some gifts at Father’s leading, which allow me to spend time with people like you. It’s different all the

time.”

“How freeing it would be to live with that kind of trust!”

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“That’s the trust he’s building in you right now and those deals falling through are part of it. Through

moments like this he wins our trust. And it’s obviously working.”

“What? Why would you say that?” I asked, not at all feeling like it was.

“Because you’re not as angry as you were when we first met. You’re in a desperate situation now; you’re

concerned, but you’re not angry. That shows some incredible growth.”

And for the first time I realized that God had changed something enduring inside of me. I wasn’t burying

my anger. It just wasn’t there even in my disappointment.

“Thanks, John. I hadn’t really seen that before now.”

“That’s how God wins your trust. He’s not asking you to do something despite all evidence to the contrary.

He’s asking you to follow him as you see him unfolding his will in you. As you do that, you’ll find that his

words and his ways will hold more certainty for you than your best plans or wisdom.”

“I’ve never seen it that way, John. I’ve always thought faith was something I had to conjure up to get God to

act.”

“That doesn’t sound too healthy, does it? Increasing trust is the fruit of a growing relationship. The more

you know him and his ways the freer you’ll be to live beyond the influences that tie you down to your own

flawed wisdom. As you see his faithfulness unfold in your life through the coming days, you will come to

know just how deeply you can trust him. That’s where you’ll find real freedom.”

“So there is no trust where there’s no relationship?”

“No, there’s not. Too many people confuse faith with presumption. They are consumed by their own

agenda, even quoting Scriptures that prove God will have to do it their way and end up so disappointed

when he doesn’t. But God will even use that disappointment to invite them into a real trust that is based on

his unfolding work in them.

“I love the fact that you want to disconnect ministry from income, Jake. That’s a godly desire. There is

nothing that distorts ministry more than believing you have to make a living by it. So much of our life in

Christ today is corrupted because people want to use ministry to secure their income. We have inherited

systems of body life and leadership that result from people trying to find a way to provide for themselves,

rather than demonstrating what it is to live in Father’s care. Once ministry becomes a source of income

you’ll find yourself manipulating people to serve you rather than Father’s love moving you to serve them.

Until you are free to trust God to provide for you, Jake, he will not entrust his people to you.

“Just don’t think you’re the one that has to do the providing. Get this lesson, Jake. Living in the freedom of

God’s provision is critical to what God has for you. Learn to live by what God puts before you, not by your

plans and schemes. On any given day it could be as much helping someone find freedom and life in Jesus as

it is to paint a house, or to dig those infamous ditches. He’ll provide all that you need, though he just may

not do it the way you want him to. And that’s as true for relationships with fellow-travelers as it is finances.”

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As we finished eating I noticed Jim sliding out of his table to leave. Surprisingly he had eaten alone and was

now making his way up the aisle that would take him right by our booth. I cringed inside, hoping he

wouldn’t see me as I nonchalantly tried to maintain my conversation with John.

“I don’t know all God has for you, Jake. Just keep following one step at a time, doing what you know to do

each day. It will become clearer in time.”

As John finished, Jim walked right up to our table and greeted me. It was not the same old jovial Jim. He

looked deeply pained. I introduced him to John and we exchanged pleasantries. Then Jim turned serious.

“I need to talk to you sometime, Jake, if that would be possible.” His words seemed to catch in his throat.

“Listen, Jake, I need to make a phone call,” John said slipping out of the booth. “Why don’t you take a

moment now?” Before I knew it John was gone and Jim sat down awkwardly. He put his head in his hands

and started to choke up a bit.

I was pounded by emotions from fourteen different directions. I didn’t know whether to slug him or feel

sorry for him. I just knew I didn’t want to be there right then. Finally he caught himself and looked up with

eyeballs deeply seared with anguish. “You must hate me, Jake.”