Microsoft Word - At Last A Life Final Copy 16-03-09 (23 page)

so easy. I just don't understand why this has happened to me

and what I need to do to finally rid myself of this horrible

illness. Accepting it today seems very, very hard.

I do understand that this is just a blip and part of the

recovery, but it’s just so annoying. I never used to be like

this and I can't see a reason for me to continue thinking in

this way, but as you have said previously, when we get

anxious the thinking becomes more negative.

Regards

Max

Hi Max,

Referring to your quote below:

“After a few good days I am having a real bad time today. I didn't

sleep well last night and as soon as that happens, it all goes to crap.

- 129 -

Then I start worrying about the effects of not sleeping and here we

go again”

Firstly I can tell you to let the bad days go and not to go down the

road of worrying about not sleeping, how you feel etc. and trying to

work it all out. Only you can choose whether or not to take this

advice, I can only advise you and hope that you trust in my words.

Again you have let a bad day throw you into despair. You will have

lots of bad days on your road to recovery. It is all part of the process

and you really don't need to work out why.

Six years ago when I first received help from someone who knew

what he was talking about, I was asked the question: "Paul, are you

willing to give recovery as much time and space as it needs or are

you impatient to be better?" I said “After 10 years of feeling like this I

am willing to give this as much time as it needs". He said "Good,

then I will help you, but if you expect to recover in a week, then you

may as well walk out of that door". This person saved my life

because of that statement. Even when I left his help and began to

study the subject, I was not cured. I was far better, but not cured. I

had good days and bad days, but I always remembered what he

said: "Give it as much time as it needs".

Now if I had a bad day and worried about it - more stress and more

adrenalin.

If I tried to figure out why - deep thinking, tiring my mind even

further.

If I fell into the trap of self-pity and why me - more depression and

stress.

The list goes on and on and for years I did all of these things until I

heard these words. Throughout this time I did not make any

progress. How could I when I let one bad day throw me into such

despair. I have received several emails like yours from people who

are having a bad day or two thinking ‘this is not working’ and off they

go on the roundabout of medication and magic cures only to come

back weeks later saying: "Paul can we work together again." This

happens time and time again. I have to let these people go and get it

out of their system, but they always come back.

- 130 -

Max, don't become one of these people. It was only a couple of

weeks back that you told me that you felt great. You said: “I know

there will be some bad days but so what.” Why not celebrate all

those good days instead of being so bothered about one bad day?

You also say that you cannot work out why you feel like this, well my

book will tell you. Anxiety is your body's way of telling you to slow

down. I devolved panic attacks through drugs misuse. I had no

anxiety whatsoever, but the worry and stress of this awful panicky

feeling led to me having anxiety 24/7. Many people say I don't

understand why I feel like I do. I say “Have you been worrying

recently or had a period of stress”? They reply with such things as

"my mother passed away last month, my daughter left home, I also

lost my job a few months ago. Many don't even realise until you ask

them the question. Now it is not important why, the only thing that

matters is moving forward slowly but surely. So don't try and figure

out why or feel sorry for yourself, let’s just work at moving forward.

Regards Paul

Paul

Thanks for the reply. What you say makes so much sense

and everything you say echoes what my therapist is saying

(unfortunately I only see him for 30 minutes every couple of

weeks). What I realise I am doing is giving a bad day so

much significance. I had so many good days and things are

better than I could have believed or imagined they would

have been just a couple of months ago. So as you say, I

should be celebrating the great increase in good days

compared to bad. The good days are far outnumbering the

bad. You're right, I don't need to work out why but just accept

it as part of the recovery process.

I knew I was going to have more bad days and shouldn't be

surprised. How on earth could I expect recovery to be a

straightforward cure? It’s certainly not the case with any

other serious illness.

Your continued support is appreciated.

- 131 -

Regards

Max

That's a better response Max. The message seems to have come

across loud and clear. You know where I am if you need me. Don't

hold anything back, even if you go over old ground. I don't care what

you ask or how many times you ask, as long as it helps you. Max

you really are only asking the same questions everybody else asks,

the same concerns I had all those years ago. But just trust in what I

say. Not only have I studied the subject for years and written a book

on it, but I am living proof that what I say will work for you.

Nobody will ever know how bad I was all those years ago.

Sometimes I have to pinch myself to realise that I did come through,

but everything makes so much sense now and it is up to me to pass

my knowledge on.

Good luck

Paul

Max finally understood what I was trying to tell him. I wanted you to

read this as I feel it is very important for anyone that feels they are

improving. Put no pressure on yourself to feel a particular way, just

give yourself as much time as you need.

This one came from someone who emailed me on a regular basis,

utterly concerned about every symptom he felt and trying to find a

quick fix to banish these feelings

Hi Paul,

I am still concerned and worried about how I feel every day.

It worries me that I can no longer feel emotions and have

become so detached from the person I used to be. I try so

hard to feel like the person I used to be, but this seems

impossible at times. Please can you advise?

- 132 -

Regards Rob

Hi Rob,

This is exactly the problem - you are trying to be the person you

were before. You are not the person who could once feel emotions

and have an interest in your day and what was happening, not to

mention all the other things connected with anxiety. You are trying to

scramble back to who you were and trying to force feeling better.

The difference between you and me is that I finally accepted that

‘this is me now and this is how I feel, so I might as well get on with

my life’. No more questioning it or trying to be the person I was

before. I did not accept this was me forever, just for now. This was

so important to my recovery, which took a while. It was a bumpy up

and down affair, but I did it the right way. You still say you worry.

Again you have not accepted that this is you. What is there to worry

about? Your mind and body is tired and this is why you feel the

symptoms you do. You need to stop hating how you feel and adopt

a new attitude. Say "OK this is me for the time being. It feels awful at

times, but I am going to try and live alongside it for now instead of

fighting against it”.

Regards Paul

The following comes from someone I have been helping for a while

and is a conversation we had on msn. He had suffered for many

years and needed that extra help, as he was so used to fearing how

he felt and was never quite convinced that it was nothing more

serious.

Hi Paul,

I have been looking through other websites trying to find

some more information, but have decided enough’s

enough. I still felt there must be more to how I feel, but

now I am beginning to realise it is just anxiety playing its

tricks again, making me believe the worst.

- 133 -

As I have said to you before, if you must look for information, then

read it just for information and not to continually put your mind at

rest. As you know, as soon as one fear goes, we tend to find

another to replace it

“Yes, I know. You are so right. Anxiety can be a very clever

beast”.

Ha, ha, correct, it is…..but it’s not really the anxiety. It happens

because your body is sensitised, so a little worry that would not

bother you when you were healthy, seems massive and worthy of

investigation. It is all down to being sensitised which is why these

thoughts seem to come with such force. When you’re healthy, they

come and go, receiving little attention. This is very important and

that is why you are far better just letting these worries go, something

I learnt very early on.

Paul

This one comes from someone else who came so far but really

struggled in the early stages. It is one that I split up and answered

for him. I wanted to add it as it shows how someone can move

forward with understanding.

Hi Paul,

Just to make sure that I'm doing everything right, let's

assume you're me. In a situation at work, I'm in my boss's

office (happened yesterday) and I'm beginning to get

panicky. My body is going into panic mode and I'm "fuzzing"

out mentally. I kept accepting this as much as I know how. I

kept affirming “it's okay that this is how I feel." Then I made

sure that I was breathing property, corrected my posture and

really allowed the sensations to go on. That ended and

similar situations like this come up during the day in my sales

career. I will keep accepting this is how I am. Is this right? I

did have a breakthrough couple of days after letting this sink

into my mind and abandoning myself.

- 134 -

I really don't like the statement 'just to make sure I am doing things

right'. Again, recovery is about NOT DO. You don't have to do

anything - that is the whole point. You don't have to worry. You don't

have to question. You don't have to fight. You don't have to control

how you feel. You don't do anything but accept this is you for now.

Don’t see anxiety as a big monster, see it as a feeling - just your

body’s way of saying you have over-done things. You are

completely right in what you did when you felt panicky. Panic would

have loved you to try and control or push away how you felt. It would

have loved you to run away. It would have loved you to start with all

the 'Oh no, I am losing control'. You gave it none of this and it

passed. Well it will as it had no worry or fear from you to fuel it and

you deserve full credit for that. Panic is just adrenalin that will always

die down. I could feel like that now and it would not bother me in the

slightest as I have a full understanding of what is happening and that

it will pass. So I would have no worry, no fear and no fuel. Once you

do this several times, then you begin to de-sensitise. Your nervous

system calms down, your body begins to relax as it realises there is

no need to worry, and things get easier. The people who do the

opposite of what you did are the ones that say in the cycle. In my

days of suffering, I realised I was sensitised and that it would take